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Smiling mad, he's so happy

The Smappy Blog

The Tower

"It seemz like it'z takin furever," BoB said, pacing around the control room, as the moving parts inside the central column rose and fell. "Afterall, we iz just tracing a call, how long can it take?" BoB said, looking at the monitor attached to the column. "There appears to be something slowing time down, slowing down the Escape Pod," Celliri said. Without warning, a bright purple light burst through the floor under the column of the control room, illuminating everything and tinting it slightly purple. The column started to rise and fall, but it was stuttering. Instead of the usual noise, it made a sound more like a stuttering car engine. "Celliri, wat'z happening?" BoB said, dashing around the controls. "We appear to be caught in some kind of tractor beam," Celliri said, as the noise grew faster. "Da controlz aren't wurkin!" BoB yelled as the noise grew louder and faster. The Escape Pod was shaking violently as the column returned to its usual pace, and the materialization noise roared louder than ever throughout the room.

The light had faded as the Escape Pod materialized, and everything seemed normal. BoB got back up off the floor, and looked around the room, inspecting it for damage. When he saw it was just the same as before, he walked to the door, and opened it inwards. Right outside, there was a person with some sort of gun, pointed directly at his face. "And hello to you too," BoB said, looking at the gun. "Fine weather we're havin," BoB said, calmly walking past the person, and shutting the escape pod door. "Actually, we might not be havin weather, who knowz. Do we have weather?" BoB asked, turning back towards the person with the gun. "You are under arrest for-" started the person, but BoB interrupted. "Fur what? Parking violation? Illegal breathin? Or do ya just not like BoB very much?" BoB asked. "You are under arrest for materialization of a time machine upon the premises." said the police alien. "Well, itz not like dare wuz much choice, wuz dare?" BoB said. "Who set dat up anyway? Why would dey want to drag time machinez in here if dey don't want dem parking here?" BoB asked, pacing around the room and examining it.

The floor was made of a dull, dark grey metal. It was an irregular shape, seemingly having no symmetry. The walls were made up of hexagonal columns, interlinked in no real pattern. The columns were made of an even darker grey metal, with emerald green stripes on every corner of them. There were a couple of tunnels, but they were too poorly lit to be able to see more than a few feet in. The ceiling was black, and seemed to show either stars or lights in it, though it was too high up to be sure. The only feature of the room was a slightly raised platform that BoB's Escape Pod had landed on, where the police alien was still standing, angered that BoB didn't seem afraid of him. "You will be silent, and be taken to the project leader for questioning," shouted the police alien. "Oh, he wants to answer sum questionz? Good," BoB saind, hopping back up onto the raised floor. "No, you will be questioned. Don't you know how this works?" asked the furious alien."Yes, and it usually doez end up with BoB askin da questionz. Now, come on, quick, ya gotta take BoB to yer leader," BoB said, letting himself be led away.

BoB was led down a few passageways, and then into a large grey room. Its walls, floor, and ceiling were all painted a dark grey, and seemed to be made out of stone. On the right side of the room were two normal looking jail cells, with a wall of metal bars dividing them. The bars were made of the same dark grey metal as the walls in the room BoB had landed in. As the police alien closed the cell door behind him, BoB looked around the cell. The only thing in it was a slab of metal welded to the wall, which had a mattress and a bright red blanket on top of it. It was obviously intended to only be a temporary holding cell, presumably to hold people before a trial. Within minutes the police  officer returned, with someone else behind him. The new alien looked like a normal person. He was slightly overweight, with grey hair and a moustache.

BoB jumped up from where he had sat down on the bed, and rushed over the cell door. "Hello, yer hear fur questionin, right?" BoB said, reaching through the bars to shake the old alien's hand. "Well, BoB haz sum questionz fur ya, so it'z a good thing ya came. Question one iz: why do ya have a tractor beam directly into time? Question two: Why do ya just throw dem in jail as soon as they show up? Doezn't it ever occur to ya dat if someone has a time machine, dey might also be able to open a lock? And question three: Why are ya so unprepared fur when sumone doez show up? Dis cell iz old. Everythin in it is covered in dust," BoB said, rubbing his foot across the floor and wiping away dust. "Da barz are rustin. Dat lock seemz very out of date. And while da cop did arrest BoB, he didn't seem very prepared. It took him a couple uv minutez before he was yellin and angry, before dat he just seemed shocked," BoB said, looking at the cop.

"So it really works?" said the grey haired alien." "So wat really wurkz?" BoB asked. "Look, doez BoB need to ask ya doez questionz again? Did ya stop listening?" BoB asked. "The Timenet, the thing you were brought here by, it must work," said the alien. "If ya mean a big purple light thingy, den yes, it wurked. Why? Did ya expect it not to?" BoB asked. "You came here in a time machine though. You must be able to help us. Please, you must help us," said the alien. "Well, BoB could help a lot better if BoB wuzn't in a cell," BoB said. "Oh of course, sorry. Officer please release him," said the alien. "I'm the project leader," said the alien, holding out his hand. "BoB'z BoB, time traveler and profeshinal sign inspector," BoB said, shaking the project leader's hand over-enthusiastically. "So, dis project, wat iz it?" BoB said. "Ah, yes, follow me then," the project leader said, walking of. BoB followed him, with the police officer right behind him.

BoB was led through identical corridors, until they came to a small balcony-like room. Is was mostly made of glass, with the front of it having a panel covered in screens and keyboards. It overlooked a room filled with people in lab coats. The room was very large, with walls made out of the same grey metal as everywhere else. There were rows of computer desks with scientists working at them, and on the far wall was a blue tinted computer screen.

"This is where we made our calculations for the flight," the project leader said. "Wat iz da flight? Yer not being very useful here," BoB said. "A long time ago, scientists realized that very soon, our sun would warm up too much, destroying our planet. We set to building this whole building out of the toughest material on the planet. It could withstand a nuclear blast, we hoped it would be enough to keep us safe. This building, the Tower, holds every single person that lived on the planet. But as we were loading everything else into the Tower, the planet's surface had gotten too warm to go outside. We had underestimated how long the Tower would take to build. Some vital supplies hadn't managed to be brought inside, including some vital parts needed in the machines to keep growing food forever. We had enough to get them running, but over time the replacements broke down. We're slowly growing worse and smaller crops every year, with no way to fix it. We can't go outside, the entire planet is burned. It's been so long, space around the planet is far too warm. We don't have enough materials to build a ship large enough to save everyone and able to withstand the heat." "Ah. So ya figured if ya could make a time machine, ya could get off da planet before it ever burned, or at least rescue enough materialz to be able to build a big enough ship," BoB said.

"Only sumthin went wrong, didn't it? Somewun here did dare math wrong, and da test ship got thrown off into time," BoB said. "Yes. The boss demanded we speed up the project, without regards for consequences. Somewhere along the line, someone messed up. The ship was lost, and now we have no hope of being saved." "So ya wurked out a way to launch a tractor beam into time, and pull out da first passing ship ya could, and hope dey'd help ya," BoB said. "What? No," said the project leader, looking suprised. "No? Wat do ya mean no? Ya can't mean no, BoB'z alwayz right. Well, sumtimez right," BoB said. "The Timenet was launched to capture the ship when it came back around." "Came back around? Wat do ya mean?" BoB asked. "We have discovered  that time is all a closed loop. At the end of time, when the last thing disappears from reality, a big bang will happen, creating the start of the universe all over again," said the project leader. "What? Are all yer scientists stupid or sumthin? Sure, there may be somthin dat createz a new universe at the end of time, but it won't create dis universe!" BoB yelled. "Yer never going to catch them, because dare never goin to come back around. Ya just sent doze people, and yer only meanz of escape, fallin back through time towardz da begining of da universe," BoB said. "Who decided dat wuz a good plan?" BoB asked, angrily. "I did. I have been given the highest authority in the Tower, because unless the project succeeds, we're all doomed," said the project leader.

"But you can save all of us. You can go back in time to bring us the materials before the planet was burned," said the project leader. "No, BoB can't. BoB'z landed here, and iz part of events now. If da past iz changed, dis will have never happened. It will create a paradox. Really, how dumb are yer scientists?" BoB said. "But surely you can at least stop the flight from ever taking off in the first place, right?" "No. It'z already happened, and ya can't change dat. Da only thing BoB can do iz get dem off da ship after dey've taken off," BoB said. "But how will that help save all of us?" asked the project leader. "It won't. But at least den dey will be safe fur now. BoB will try to bring back any equipment off da ship BoB can, but dat'z all dat can be done. Den BoB will come back, and try and think up a new plan." "Very well. I'll switch off the Timenet," the project leader said, going to the far end of the balcony and messing with the controls.

BoB was led back to his Escape Pod, and opened the door. "How will you find the ship?" asked the project leader. "Ah, dat'z a good question," BoB said. "Hang on, back in a second," BoB said, shuttng the door. Seconds later, the Escape Pod was dematerializing, as the bright light shining from the inside slowly faded brighter and darker. Just as it had disappeared completely, it started to rematerialize. BoB burst out of the door. "Did you save them?" asked the project leader. "No not yet, BoB had to share da brilliant thing BoB just did," BoB said. "See, BoB can't change events ya know happened, but BoB can change events nobody knowz happened. So, since ya never mentioned if dare wuz, say, a tracking device dat could measure exactly when in time da ship wuz, BoB could put dat on da ship, as long as no one saw BoB," BoB said. "And now dat BoB'z shared BoB'z brilliance with ya, BoB'z off," BoB said, leaping back into his Escape Pod. "Be back in five minutez," BoB said, shutting the door. The Escape Pod once again started to dematerialize with a loud wheezing, scraping noise, and faded out of existence.

"Now, becuze we're movin through time to get to da ship which iz also travelin through time, day're goin in real time in comparisun to da Escape Pod," BoB said, pushing the engines to full power. In the central column the poles were rising and falling quicker, and the engines were roaring. Sparks shot out of one side of the control panel as the room shook. On the screen, BoB could see the ship ahead of them, tumbling through time, with seemingly no control. The Escape Pod started to land, and the view was replaced with a metal wall. BoB opened the door, and saw he was in an empty room, barely large enough to hold the Escape Pod. BoB pressed a button on a small control panel on the wall he was facing, and the door slid open. "Who are you?" Yelled someone from BoB's left. BoB looked, and saw someone wearing a blue jumpsuit with orange lines on it, pointing a huge gun at him. "Hello to ya too. Iz da only way people can introduce demselvez by pointin gunz at BoB?" "How did you get on this ship?" asked the crew member. "Well, ya see, it'z quite a funny story. See, BoB wuz sent here frum da future to save ya and da ship, becuze yer scientists are all incredibly stupid, so yer accidentally being sent to the begining of da universe, where ya will disintigrate into nothin," BoB said. "Whats so funny about that?" asked the crew member. "Ya mean ya don't find dat funny? Good. Den ya might want to listen to BoB," BoB said.

BoB walked towards the crew member, and then right past him as he raised his gun again. "Where do you think you're going?" he asked. "To da front of da ship, where everybody else iz, and where da controlz are. Come on," BoB said, running down the narrow corridor. "I can still shoot you," said the crew mwmber. "Well hurry up already, BoB doezn't have all day. But seeing az how BoB'z yer only hope of getting off dis ship before ya disintegrate into before time, maybe ya should consider not doin dat," BoB said. BoB had come to a door at the end of the passage, and opened it up. On the other side was a huge room. The floor was beige metal, with little bumps on it. The front of the ship was a huge window taking up most of the ceiling too. The part of the ceiling what wasn't a window was silver, with small lights in it, lighting up the whole room. At the very front of the ship were the controls, on a huge dashboard. In front of it was a leather chair mounted in a groove in the floor, presumably to allow it to roll along the rail so one person could operate the controls.

"Attention crew memberz!" BoB yelled as he dashed into the room. "Ware currently headed back towardz da beginning of da universe in an out of control ship with no wayz of actually flying it, but don't worry, becauze BoB'z here, and it would probably be greatly appreciated if ya don't shoot BoB," BoB said. "Who in the world are you, and how did you get on this time ship?" asked one of the two crew members in the room. "Never mind dat, ask yer friend with da gun," BoB said. "Now you know what's interestin? Da fact dat dis ship wuz only built in two dayz. Anyone care to explain dat?" BoB asked. "How did you know that?" asked the crew member with the gun. "BoB looked ya up on da way hear," BoB said. "Might it have sumthin to do with da thingz all three of ya are carrying on yer beltz? BoB asked, grabbing one out of a crew member's belt. Wat iz this?" BoB asked, waving it around. "It's a tool used to build things. It scans every atom of something, deconstructs it, and then can accurately rebuild it somewhere else. You can set it to specifically what you'd like to build if you have blueprints," said the crew member with a gun. "Good. What ya need to do iz take az much of dis ship apart az possible. Every piece iz important. We need to get az much az possible back to da tower," BoB said. "But first, someone needz to show BoB da power room," BoB said.

The power room was just down the hall. On the way there, a crew member had explained that the engine was using a new experimental form of power that was decaying, probably because it was surrounded by time energy all around the ship. The power source was the only thing lit up in the dark room. Tubes hung from the ceiling, lit by the bright white light in the center of the room. BoB pulled the Universal Remote out of his pocket, and hit the rewind button. "What did you do?" asked the crew member, as the light grew stronger. "It'z a Universal Remote. It can use limited time effectz, such as temporarily rewinding sumthin back in time fur a while. Unfortuneately, da power source iz still decaying, and it will keep gettin faster until the time effect warez off," BoB explained, leaving the room and heading back to the front of the ship.

"Hey, you can't touch those controls," the crew member said to BoB, who was now sitting in the chair by the controls. "Well, if ya wanted to not be blasted back before time, den sure, but ya probably didn't want that, did ya?" BoB said, trying to steer the ship. "Da problem iz, both da end and da begining of time are like black holez to time machinez. If ya get too close, the pull of it will suck ya in and destroy da ship," BoB said, trying to turn the ship around. BoB put the thrusters up to full power, and the ship started to shake and rattle. "Not enough of da ship haz been deconstructed. We'll never get away in time. BoB will have ta find another way to save dat planet," BoB said, hitting a button to talk on the ship's speakers. "Everyone, get back to da front of da ship az fast as possible. We'll never escape in dis ship, but BoB'z should make it. It'z hidden in a small room. Just look fer da red phone booth, ya can't miss it unless yer incredibly stupid," BoB said, getting up from the controls.

Minutes later, all three crew members were inside the Escape Pod, and BoB took off. After a few minutes of whezing and groaning, the Escape Pod landed again.

"Dey'll be happy to see ya, don't worry. BoB wuz only gone fur about five minutes anyway," BoB said, throwing the Escape Pod door open. Outside, a large group of police officers were gathered. They all pointed they're guns at BoB in unison. "Or maybe a bit longer then five minutes," BoB said quietly to himself.

 

To be continued.

Long Wait

"Celliri, ware iz we headed?" BoB asked as his escape pod started to materialize. "We are landing on Triton, one of Neptune's moons," Celliri said, as an image of it popped up on one of the screens. "It lookz like a giant cantaloupe," BoB said. "It is unknown what causes that sort of terrain. It's surface is covered with ice, and it appears to have cryovolcanoes that erupt on its surface," Celliri said as the escape pod landed. "Records indicate that the planet has slowly been heating up for the last couple thousand years for unknown reasons, possibly related to the planet's core heating up," Celliri said as BoB put on his spacesuit. "It should be eazy to find da scape pod piece if it'z an uninhabited moon," BoB said, opening the door. BoB looked on a digital map in the corner of the spacesuit's visor. "Celliri, why'd ya park so far away?" BoB asked, heading towards the signal of the escape pod piece. "It was not possible to land any closer due to dangerous terrain," Celliri said. "So it'z better to walk a couple miles in dangerous terrain with volcanoes?" BoB asked, walking back into the escape pod. BoB grabbed the joystick, and flew the escape pod closer to where the signal was.

The entire escape pod shook, and BoB fell to the floor. "Celliri, wat wuz dat?" BoB asked, grabbing the joystick and trying to get back in control as the escape pod twisted wildly through the sky. "Your driving skills flew the escape pod right above a cryovolcano as it erupted," Celliri said. BoB managed to get the escape pod back under control, and flew on, until they were close to the signal. BoB Looked at the monitor again, and saw that they were now further away. BoB pulled the escape pod back, and they were suddenly closer to the signal. BoB brought the escape pod down, and opened the door. "But whyz dat?" BoB asked, opening the door. "For dat to happen, da scape pod piece would have to be straight down from here," BoB said, about to step out the door. Right in front of BoB, a giant blast of ice erupted, shot off into space. "Well, itz a good thing da scape pod haz a forcefield," BoB said.

The escape pod was now positioned right at the edge of a large slope on the hole where the ice was blasted out. The hole was a couple miles wide, but at the bottom of the slope, there was something looking like a dull bronze. "Well, lookz like BoB'z going down dare," BoB said. BoB got a long cord meant for spacewalks from a closet hidden in one of the walls, and hooked one end of it to a handle on the control console. BoB checked to make sure he had the Universal Remote in one of the space suit pockets, and jumped out the door, sliding down the smooth icy slope.

At the bottom, BoB saw a metal hatch with a wheel on the end of it. BoB turned the wheel, and the hatch swung outwards. BoB looked inside, and his tether pulled tight, stopping him from going any further. BoB took the tether off and stepped inside, closing the hatch behind him. BoB saw the inside had a breathable atmosphere, and took his helmet off. BoB looked around, and saw he was in what looked like a small ship, with blue and green hologram screens along one wall, and a long couch looking thing at the other, with hatches all along the wall behind it. At the other end of it was what looked like a door, with a screen next to it. BoB pressed the screen, and the door opened up into a small airlock with another screen. BoB pressed on the other screen, and the door in front of him opened as the one he had just came out of closed behind him.

The area outside the airlock was a giant room so high BoB couldn't even see the ceiling. It featured a giant glass column filled with a faintly glowing dark blue liquid, which appeared to be the only source of light, leaving the edges of the round room dark. In the liquid symbols seemed to float by slowly, changing as they rose up to the ceiling. To BoB's right the ceiling sloped downwards into view, where it led to many massive hallways. The walls of the hallways seemed to be filled with smaller tubes, stacked on top of each other, all of them filled with a blue liquid like what was in the big column. The hallways all had balconies facing the giant column, with no visible way to get up or down from them. There were no staircases, and no shafts that could have any sort of elevator. The hallways all stretched on too far to see the ends of them, leading into darkness.

BoB walked over to the giant column, and saw a gray stone looking slab connected to its side. On the ground in front of the slab was a round platform in the floor, made out of the same material. BoB touched the slab, and it was filled with a blue glow like the mysterious liquid was giving off. The strange symbols that had been floating up started to float back down the column, appearing on the glowing slab. "Celliri, wat iz dis?" BoB asked. "It appearz to be a keyboard, but if it iz, den why iz da letterz not being automtically translated?" "It does not match any language recognized. It may be because nobody has ever encountered this language, or because the language is so old nobody uses it. Programs are being run to decipher the language, checking the future and past to see anything that may decipher the language," Celliri said.

BoB tapped on one of the symbols, and the platform he was standing on shook. Blue handrails appeared on the edges of the platform as it floated up, and over to one of the balconies. Halfway towards it, another platform jut like it floated next to it the opposite way, empty. The platform BoB was riding one settled into a indentation that the other platform must have just been in, and the guardrail disappeared. BoB walked down the corridor, past thousands of tubes stacked on top of each other. BoB looked in one, and inside he could see a vague outline. "Dis stuff iz probably used in suspended animation hear," BoB said out loud to himself, walking down the corridor further.

BoB inspected more as he went down the hall, but the liquid was too thick to see more than a vague outline of each tube's inhabitants. "Freeze, Rosgak spy!" yelled a voice behind BoB, as a gun was pointed at his back. "Ah, hello, how are are you?" BoB asked, whipping around. "Nice weather we're having. Well, actually not weather, dis is a space ship, ya probably don't get much of dat around here. Anyway, BoB here'z a profesinal sign inspector, and- oh, nice face," BoB said, as he looked at the creature pointing the gun at him. It looked vaguely like a person, but with a pterodactyl-like head. It was wearing an armor made from the same stone like material the keyboard on the tube was. There were groves in the armor where more blue liquid ran through, with the same symbols as in the column.

"Cease your talking, spy," said the alien. "And hello to ya too. Who are ya?" BoB asked. "I am Gavak, third in command on this Hafrean warship," said Gavak, angrily. "BoB'z BoB, head of da... uh, escape pod, time traveling telephone booth." "You will be taken to the commander. He shall determine if we kill you first, or let you rot in the holding cell," Gavak said following BoB down the corridor. "Izn't dat a bit much? Ya could just give BoB a tank you, maybe a nice welcoming party or something. How'z BoB supposed to inspect signz when dis stupid ship doezn't even have any?" BoB asked. They eventually came to a platform like the one BoB rode on before, but much larger. Gavak pushed a couple of symbols on a panel like what was connected to the column, and the platform rose up.

The platform came to a stop in a large domed room, where the walls and floor were made out of a reflective black material. On the side of the room BoB was facing was a throne, also made out of rock-like material like almost everything else. Above the throne was a white tinted window, which didn't have anything to be seen out of it other than the ice that surrounded the planet. Sitting on the throne was another Hafrean, bigger than any of the others, which must have been its guards. "Bow before General Rathalnar of the Hafrean army," said Gavak, bowing. "Sir, this Rosgak spy has somehow snuck aboard the ship, and was inspecting the suspended animation tubes when I found him," said Gavak. "Is that a Rosgak? They certainly have changed a lot in the hundred years we were gone," said Rathalnar.

"Hello General, dis iz BoB, and BoB'z got a very serious complaint about your hospitality," BoB said. "How did you get aboard this ship?" asked Rathalnar, angrily. "BoB'z ship landed on dis planet, and right az BoB got out, somethin exploded in front of BoB. In da crater it left, dare wuz a hatch, which led to an escape pod and into the ship," BoB said. "The defenses around this planet were supposed to be able to keep everything out," Rathalnar muttered. "Well, dey certainly weren't," BoB said.

"Why did you come here? What information do the Rosgaks want from our mission?" Rathalnar asked. "BoB'z not a spy. BoB iz traveling da universe to find lost piecez of BoB'z time machine. BoB landed here looking for one, not to spy on anythin. But now dat you asked, wat iz dare on dis ship? Dare thousandz, maybe millionz of Hafreanz on dis ship in suspended animation, but why? Iz dis some sort of ark? The last survivors of yer planet, sent to space to find a new planet?" BoB asked. "Why would we answer your questions, Rosgak spy?" asked Rathalnar.

"But den if dis wuz a ship for da last survivorz, why would ya build a planet around it dat haz an atmosphere ya couldn't breathe?" BoB asked. "You mean the Rosgaks don't know about the ambush?" Rathalnar asked. "Ambush? Ya built a whole moon just fur an ambush? Dat seemz like a lot of work just for an ambush," BoB said. "Either the Rosgaks have sent their stupidest spy, or you're playing dumb," said Rathalnar. "The war between the Rosgaks and the Hafreans has lasted thousands of years. Nobody who started the original conflict is still alive, nobody knows who started the war or why. Because nobody knows what had started this war, nobody is willing to sign any sort of peace treaty," said Rathalnar. "So da only solution iz to shoot each other into extinction and hope you were right?" BoB asked.

"You will not interupt the general," said one of the guards, pointing a halberd-like weapon at BoB. "The technology necessary for ships to travel long distances in short amounts of time was lost as the war dragged on. Both sides went from sending hundreds of ships a day to launching only a few ships. Because the distance between the planets is so great, it now takes hundreds of years to send ships to the other planets, by which point the other side has already gotten the information and sent a counter attack." "So as your war goez on, you lose more and more resourcez ya need to build ships. As da war goez on, ya loze more and more progress. One way or another, you might be forced to find peace, maybe becauze everyone ran out of shipz, or becauze someone, somewhere will get some sense and surrender," BoB said. "If there ever is peace, it will be because the Rosgaks have been eliminated!" yelled Gavak. "You will not interupt the general!" yelled a guard, the tip of his halberd now glowing green.

"The Hafrean army got information that the Rosgaks were sending a final fleet, consisting of all their remaining ships and warriors. We had no way to fight back. We didn't have enough ships or firepower to destroy them. But one day, a secret weapon appeared out of thin air. A strange wooden red panel appeared. Our scientists were able to find a strange energy on it, something they reverse engineered. This energy allowed our ships to travel faster than they had in centuries. They came up with a plan: they would build a massive warship with this new technology, and disguise it as a moon. The entire force of soldiers they sent out would be put into suspended animation for one hundred years, when the Rosgak fleet would be in the prime position of the warship to fly over to it, and destroy the entire fleet. The entire planet would be almost defenseless and we would send every remaining ship. We could finally destroy the Rosgaks, or force them to serve us," Rathalnar said. "Sir, something's wrong," said a Hafrean guard, stepping off another platform.

"What is it?" asked Rathalnar. "The systems indicate no sign of the Rosgak battle fleet," said the guard. "Hm. The army must have found something that could destroy them while we were in suspended animation. Gavak, order the execution of plan B: launch an attack on their planet, enslave or eradicate all Rosgaks," said Rathalnar. "Yes sir," said Gavak, making what must have been a Hafrean salute, and descending on the platform the guard came in on. "You, take the Rosgak spy to the holding cell for questioning," Rathalnar said to the guard. The guard stepped on the platform BoB was on, and pushed a couple buttons. "Bye general, and tanks fur da history lesson," BoB said as the platform went down.

Within seconds, they were in a lower level than the suspended animation tubes, and the guard locked BoB into the prison cell. "BoB'z terribly sorry," BoB said, getting his Universal Remote out of one of his spacesuit pockets. As soon as the guard's back was turned, BoB pressed the pause button on his universal remote, and the guard froze. BoB unlocked the cell with the Remote, and ran onto the platform. "Let'z see, it only haz three settingz. Dat wuz da one dat brought BoB to da general, and dat one brought BoB down hear, so dis haz to be da right one," BoB said, pressing the remaining symbol. The platform shot up, and BoB ran down the hall.

"Celliri, iz dare any progress on figuring out da language?" BoB asked. "A small amount, but nothing that would be able to translate the entire language," Celliri said. "Iz it enough to translate coordinatez?" BoB asked. "It might be able to, why?" Celliri asked, as BoB got on the platform leading to the column. "Becauze we need to get a warning to da Rosgakz. It doezn't matter who started dis war, nobody dezervez to be enslaved or erdaicated without at least being warned so dey can fight back," BoB said as the platform landed. BoB looked at the stone slab, and saw he could make out a few words. BoB saw the coordinates, and pressed the seek button on his Universal Remote to summon the escape pod. The escape pod materialized around him, and BoB rushed to the controls. "If BoB showz up 2 hourz earlier dan it iz now, maybe datz enough time to warn them and give dem a chance," BoB said, pulling the dematerialization lever.

The escape pod materialized, and BoB stood up from the chair he had been sitting in. "Hopefully da air iz breathable, BoB forgot da space helmet back on da Hafrean ship," BoB said, checking the monitors. "Itz not, but we haz a forcefeild, so BoB can at least look outside," BoB said. BoB opened the door, and saw nothing. BoB looked all around, and only saw space. He dashed back inside, and checked the coordinates. "We in da right spot, and da right time," BoB said, looking outside as if the planet would appear. "Unless... oh no. We iz in da right time, itz dem whoze not," BoB said. "BoB, what do you mean?" Celliri asked. "Never mind dat, we need to go back to dat ship, ya alwayz listening through da watch BoB wearz anyway, you'll hear when BoB dramatically monologz." BoB said, setting the coordinates for the ship.

The escape pod materialized on the ship again, and BoB rode the platform to the suspended animation tubes. BoB could see the liquid was starting to drain from the tubes. "Dey waking up for da attack," BoB said, jumping on the platform and sending it up into the general's room.

"What are you doing here? How did you escape?" asked Rathalnar. "Not important," BoB said. "What do you mean not important? Why would you escape only to come up here and announce your presence?" asked Rathalnar. "BoB escaped a couple minutez ago for you. BoB uzed da time machine to try and warn da Rosgakz of yer attack," BoB said. "So you were a Rosgak spy!" Yelled Rathalnar. "No. Ya see, dare iz no Rosgakz," BoB said. "What do you mean? Of course there are, we've fought them for thousands of years," Rathalnar said. "But dare aren't any anymore. You wuz only supposed to sleep for a hundred yearz. But Celliri, BoB'z computer, said the planet your ship was disguised as had been slowly heating up for centuries. And da reason Celliri couldn't translate yer written language wuz becuze by da time most other inteligent life formz were venturing into space, yer planetz were gone. Dare wuzn't enough left to ever figure out da language, so dare aren't enough recordz for da scape pod to find. You haven't been asleep for a hundred yearz, you've been asleep fur at least ten thouzand. Both plantez, Rosgak and Hafrea are gone. Dey were destroyed thousandz of yearz ago," BoB said. "You're lying, Rosgak spy!" yelled Rathalnar.

"No. Check yer systemz. Dare iz no planetz anywhere near where dis ship iz headed, and dare haven't been for thousandz of yearz." "The Rosgaks must have sabotaged us, there's no way we could have miscalculated so wildly," said the general. "No. Ya never did miscalculate. It waz all planed frum da begining. Dey knew da only way dey would end da war wuz to destroy both planetz, so they built a ship. BoB wuz right in da begining wen BoB said it wuz a ship full of da last survivorz, just nobody knew it yet. Dey built dis ship to send enough Hafreanz off so dey could maybe find a new planet to inhabit. Dis ship wuzn't disguized, it wuz sent here to slowly turn into an inhabitable planet. Only somethin didn't go as planned, and now it's an uninhabiatable icy wasteland," BoB said.

"Then what will we do now that we have no Rosgaks to fight, and no planet to live on?" asked Rathalnar. "Da first thing ya should do iz find another planet to live on," BoB said. "Set the systems to scan for the nearest inhabitable planet," Rathalnar said. "Yes sir," said one guard, stepping onto a platform and descending. A couple minutes later, the guard came back up on the platform. "Sir, the nearest inhabitable planet appears to be very close. It is a planet called Earth," said the guard. "Set the course for Earth then. IT will be our new planet," said Rathalnar. "Scuze BoB, but ya can't do dat. Darez people on dat planet, ya can't just take it over," BoB said. "I am the general of the last surviving Hafrean ship. I can and will do whatever I want," said Rathalnar. Rathalnar pushed a button in one of the armrests on his throne. "Our plans have changed," he said, broadcasting himself throughout the ship. "Our planet and the Rosgak's planet were destroyed ten thousand years ago. The army knew this would happen, so they sent an entire ship out to find a new planet. We have found that planet, but it is inhabited. You must prepare for battle to take over this new planet," said Rathalnar, switching the speakers off.

BoB aimed his Universal Remote at the button the general had pressed and turned it back on. "Don't prepare for battle if ya don't want to be destroyed. BoB haz a time machine dat lookz like a  big red box parked near yer big blue column. Everyone who wantz to escape should get in dare. Everyone who thinkz BoB can't or won't destroy dis ship to save a planet can stay on board and get ready for battle," BoB said, switching the speakers off and using the Universal Remote to remotely unlock the escape pod door. BoB could hear thousands of footsteps on the floor below, as thousands of Hafreans ran towards his escape pod. "BoB will give ya one last chance, general. Do ya want to attack dis planet, of find a different uninhabited one?" BoB asked. "Prepare for flight towards Earth," said Rathalnar, and one of the guards rode a platform out of the room. "Dat wuz a very bad choice," BoB said, activating the platform he was standing on.

"Celliri, how long should it take dis ship to get to Earth?" BoB asked, running through the crowd. "It should take about eighteen minutes for the ship to get to Earth," Celliri said. BoB saw a hallway leading off to the left, and looked inside. At the end of the hallway was just a platform. BoB got on the platform, and pushed the only symbol it had. The platform rose straight up, and BoB saw he was in a room he hadn't seen before.

The room was huge, but smaller than any of the rooms he'd seen so far on the ship. It was completely dark, lit only by the faint glow of the blue liquid running through many tubes. BoB turned his Universal Remote on, and used it to turn on some lights that were hidden around the room. BoB saw that every set of tubes had more stone slabs with symbols on them. "Celliri, iz dare anythin ya can do to translate more of da language?" BoB asked. "No. Nobody in all of history has been able to figure out the language. There's no way to figure it out," Celliri said, as the ship shook. BoB fell backwards as the ship took off. Now that the ship was in flight, bubbles were shooting through the liquid in one tube. "Celliri, BoB'z just going to cut their fuel off, dat should stop dem, right?" BoB asked. "No. Their ship will carry on forwards, crashing into the planet," Celliri said. "Okay, bad idea. New plan: start pushing buttonz," BoB said, pushing buttons at random on the stone slabs. Something rose from the center of the room. BoB saw it was another suspended animation tube. Inside was a piece of BoB's escape pod.

BoB looked at the stone slab connected to the tube, and could manage to make out a few words. "Doez dat say weaponz system?" BoB asked out loud. "Of course, dey somehow uzed da power of da time energy da wuz still on da escape pod piece to make their weaponz even stronger. Dey might have even figured out how to erase thingz frum time," BoB said, pressing buttons wildly, hoping to release the escape pod piece. BoB got out the Universal Remote and used its laser cutter to cut through the tube.

BoB grabbed the escape pod piece, and put it in one of his smaller-on-the-outside pockets in the spacesuit. "Let'z see, dat'z a targeting computer, dat'z fuel, dare weapon systemz iz slowly lozing power now..." BoB said to him self, looking around. "Oh, dare we go, now datz a plan," BoB said, getting back on the platform back down. "Come on, can't dis go any faster?" BoB said as the platform floated down. "Oh, yes it can," BoB said, using his Universal Remote to take control of the platform.

BoB flew down the empty corridor on the platform, and landed it right next to his escape pod. BoB didn't see anyone else heading towards his escape pod. "Last chance fur anyone who wantz to survive dis," BoB yelled over the speakers. "You have a couple minutes to get down to da blue column and in the red box," BoB said, turning off the speakers. BoB went into the airlock to the escape pod he had left his helmet in, and grabbed it.  BoB saw nobody else heading towards his escape pod, so he dashed inside and closed the door.

"BoB would really appreciate if ya all could go into a different room or somethin, BoB really needz da space," BoB yelled into the giant crowd of Hafreans in his control room. They slowly went through the door into another room in BoB's escape pod, and BoB went to the controls. "Celliri, find a place dat Hafreanz could live in, and materialize dare as fast az possible," BoB said. The escape pod started to make its dematerialization sound, and it took off. "Why is it so important to be there fast if this is a time machine?" asked one Hafrean that was still in the control room. "Couldn't you just come back the second you left?" "Sometimez, yes," BoB said, slipping switches and pushing buttons. "Why only sometimes?" asked the Hafrean. "Becuze like history, da rulez of time chance constantly. Wat workz sometimez might change. BoB might be able to appear exactly when we wuz one time, but da next time it might be relative to BoB again," BoB said, as the escape pod started to materialize. "What do you mean history changes? History doesn't change, it's... history," said the Hafrean. "It doez. It changez a lot, ya just don't notice becuze ya don't have a time machine. Like dis planet we've landed on sayz it was never and will never be inhabited. But as soon az BoB openz dat door, history will change, and it will say it haz been inhabited," BoB said.

"Everybody out, we've landed," BoB said over the intercom. Hundreds of Hafreans ran into the control room, running towards the door. BoB checked the systems, and it showed the only Hefren left on the escape pod was the one BoB had been talking to. "Ya need to get out of here right now so BoB can save a planet. Dis place haz treez and animalz, Celliri'z syystem'z say it should be inhabitable," BoB said. "But what if we don't manage to survive?" asked the Hafrean. "You will. Da systemz say da Hafeanz live for millionz of yearz on this planet. Da system can't be wrong," BoB said, slowly pushing the Hefrean towards the door. "But you just said history can be changed," said the Hafrean.

"Some thingz can be, but only relatively small thingz. Almost nothing could change so much it could destroy an entire civilization before it even started," BoB said, managing to get the Hafrean out the door. "You'll all survive, probably. BoB haz some tools fur ya, hold on," BoB said, grabbing a box out of the hidden closet. "Dis box haz lots of thingz you'llneed, like lighterz, matches, axes, spearz, and some food and water rationz. Ya can definately build a new planet if ya have toolz and stuff," BoB said, putting the box down outside. "BoB will come back sometime, and see how itz getting along," BoB said. "But for now, BoB really, really needz to save a planet," BoB said, shutting the door and taking off.

BoB materialized on the ship, a little later than he had left. "Celliri, how long doez BoB have left?" BoB asked. "You have an estimated five minutes and fourty six seconds until the ship is in position to fire, six minutes and three seconds until it lands, and six minutes and four seconds before it crashes into the planet."

BoB broadcast himself through his escape pod all throughout the ship. "Hello, ya may have noticed ya don't have much firepower. Dat would be becuze BoB stole yer secret weapon. So now yer only optionz seem to be to give up, or crash into da planet. Not very good choicez," BoB said. "We will destroy you. We will destroy your ship, then send our escape pods out to collect the secret weapon," said the general over the speakers. "Good luck with dat," BoB said as the escape pod dematerialized and flew alongside the ship.

From the outside, the ship was shaped like a cone with a flat tip in the front, and it grew vastly wider around the back where the engines were. The whole thing was made out of the same stone-like material as everything else, and the etchings and grooves along the ship's exterior looked like the cantaloupe-like markings that were on the planet around the ship.

"Celliri, how long do we have until dare weaponz are out of power?" BoB asked, grabbing the joystick. "You have about four minutes until the ship's weapons are too weak to fire," Celliri said, and a countdown appeared on the screen. A giant blast hit the escape pod, and the entire room shook. "BoB needz to stay close enough dat da weapon system can target BoB, but BoB needz to be slowly leading dem away frum dare course," BoB said, dodging another blast from the ship. BoB kept swerving and looping, dodging blasts, but slowly moving his escape pod to the left. A ringing was coming from the escape pod phone.

"Watever it iz yer selling, BoB doezn't want it," BoB said, hanging up the phone. The phone rang again, and BoB picked it up. "How'd ya get dis number?" BoB said, hanging up again. The phone rang again. "Just because it says phone across the top of it doezn't mean ya should be calling it," BoB said, hanging up again as the escape pod got hit again. The phone rang again. "You sure don't give up, do ya?" BoB said, swerving around another laser. "Don't hang up this time BoB," said a voice from the phone. "Why not?" BoB asked. "This is the queen of the planet Indrusia," said the queen. "Never heard of it. Look, could ya call back later? BoB haz just taken down da weapon systemz on a ship dat'z about to hit a planet and iz currently dodging lazerz. Could ya call again in five minutez?" BoB asked as the escape pod rolled out of control.

"You saved our planet from the apocolypse of monsters before. You came up with the solution to-" the queen started. "Stop, don't say anyhtin else. BoB'z a time traveler, dat hazn't happened yet. Ya can't tell BoB about BoB'z future, even if it'z already happened fur ya," BoB said, getting the escape pod under control. "So letz see, BoB saved yer planet frum monsterz in da futre or da past, and den gave ya da scape pod phone number. Why ya callin right now den?" BoB asked. "You left instructions to call this number at exactly this time and tell you that you need to come to the  Kaganag galaxy diplomatic meeting because somebody is planning an assassination," said the queen. "Oh, and you also left instructions to tell me to have you turn left as hard as you can, right now," she said.

BoB turned left, and saw the ship turn sharply towards him. "Celliri, iz it off couse enough to miss da planet yet?" BoB asked. "Yes. Systems indicate it is currently headed towards Jupiter," Celliri said. "Good," BoB said, setting to coordinates for the ship's engine room.

The escape pod materialized in the engine room, and BoB cut the fuel lines to the rockets. "Now dey can't turn. Dare stuck on dare course," BoB said, stepping back into his escape pod, and picking the phone up again. "Alright, BoB'z coming," BoB said. "There was something else I was supposed to tell you," said the queen. "You have thirty six hours to stop the assassination."

"Why would BoB say dat? Well, it'z BoB'z instructionz, dare has to be a reason. See you five seconds ago," BoB said. BoB could hear the sounds of his escape pod materializing as he hung up the phone. "Celliri, trace dat call and land dare, we have an assassination to stop," BoB said, as the escape pod dematerialized.

Space Train

"All right, so if dat lever iz da squbbly lever, den dat one must be da blibbly lever," BoB said, reading the instruction manual for his escape pod. BoB pulled the lever, and the escape pod shook. "No no no, don't do dat-" BoB started as his escape pod started to fall. "BoB'z in da middle uv space! We can't be fallin!" BoB yelled. BoB reached for the emergency brake and pulled it. A screeching, grinding noise filled the escape pod as it slowed down, and sparks shot from the walls. BoB looked out the front of his escape pod, and saw there was green and blue energy floating in space, seeming to come from behind his escape pod. "Oh great, watz dis stuff?" BoB asked. "That is time energy leaking out from a hole you just created. The escape pod shot through time without even dematerializing, and the escape pod just shot right through," Celiri said. "Wait, wat'z dat?" BoB asked, seeing a light in the distance, getting closer. The light was closer now, and BoB could make out that it was a space ship, headed right for his escape pod, and very quickly. BoB ran back to the control, and quickly pulled the dematerialization lever, then pulled it again. BoB's escape pod started to materialize inside the spaceship.

BoB stepped out, and saw he was in what looked like a train, with red carpet flooring and silver walls. There were wooden benches and tables all around, but nobody sitting at them. BoB walked across the train car to a silver door in the wall with blue lights in it. There was no door handle, so BoB used his Universal Remote, and the door split part horizontally. Behind that was another door, which opened a couple seconds after the first one. BoB stepped through, and saw another area exactly like the one he just came from, but with people inside it. Everybody seemed to be panicking and running around, so BoB stepped inside quickly before anyone saw him, and the doors closed behind him.

"Scuze BoB, but could ya tell BoB why everyone'z paniking?" BoB said to the person next to him. "Didn't you see it? One of the passengers got shot?" The person said. "It doezn't look like anyone'z hurt hear," BoB said. "They were shot with a laser. They had a red glow around them, and then they were just gone," the passenger said. "Nobody saw who did it den?" BoB asked. "No. Wait, how do I know it wasn't you? Who are you anyway? You weren't here five minutes ago," the passenger said. "BoB would never do something like dat, and BoB would never lie" BoB said. "How do I know you're not lying?" the passenger asked. "Becuz BoB said so," BoB said. "What are you even doing here? Where'd you come from?" the passenger asked. "BoB'z a professional sign inspector, and also an instant detective," BoB said. "I've never heard of either of those things," The passenger said. "Of course not, dare top secret. And if ya tell anyone else, yer gonna be in very big trouble," BoB said. "What is an instant detective anyway?" the passenger asked. "See, da second a crime iz committed, a secret detective iz teleported to da scene of the crime to investigate," BoB said. "Now, BoB has sum vestigatin to do, keep it top secret dat ya even saw BoB," BoB said, and disappeared into the crowd.

BoB walked to the other end of the train car, and opened the door with his Universal Remote. The next car was entirely silver, with nothing except a blue screen on one wall. BoB walked over to the screen, and pointed the Universal Remote at it. The screen lit up, and BoB tapped a button labeled information. "Welcome to the first flight of the first ever space train, made in the Flurmupiakenddib galaxy," a voice said from the screen. "This train runs between the Flurmupiakenddib and Zizzyxz galaxies. However, this ride still takes many days, even with our state of the art equipment. So we have many activities for passengers to do in this time. We hope you will ride with us again. However, you really have no other choice, since we have the first space train," the voice said, and the screen shut off. BoB walked back through the door, and back in to the other train car.

"Hello, excuze BoB, but BoB'z investigatin dis murder, and BoB wuz wondering if ya would like to answer sum questions," BoB said to another passenger. "Sure, I'll answer any of your questions," the passenger said. "Good. Now, question one: are ya da murderer?" BoB asked. The person looked at BoB as if he was crazy, and walked off. "So iz dat a no?" BoB yelled across the train car as the doors closed behind the passenger. "Who knew investigatin wuz such hard work?" BoB muttered. Suddenly, the train car shook. BoB ran to the window, and looked outside. Instead of space that had been there just a second ago, there were turquoise flames around the train car. The train car was shaking hard, and people were falling over. BoB pointed the Universal Remote at a speaker, and pressed the button. "Hello, dis iz yer captain speakin, and-" BoB started, speaking into the universal remote. "You're not the captain!" One of the passengers yelled, as they hung on to a table to keep from falling over. "Da whole space train caught on space fire, and dat's wat yer worried about?" BoB said. "Fine, dis iz totally not yer captain speakin, but da whole point iz dat BoB'z talking now, so BoB'z in charge. We seem ta have encountered a slight bit uv turbulence. Now, if ya look out, well, really any window, you'll see dat da train iz on fire. Darez a simple explanation fur dat. Da train iz actually on fire, and we're all BoBably about to die," BoB said, just as the train shook more violently, and then went back to normal. "Oh, no! Look at dat, we're alive!" BoB said.

BoB looked out the window, and saw a planet very close to them. "Wuz dat planet dare before?" BoB asked one of the passengers. "No, I don't think so," the passenger said. "Right den. Dat probably not good," BoB said, running to one end of the train car. BoB opened the doors to the room with the screen and walked inside. BoB turned the screen on, and hit a button that would show the route. "Error. We are off course. Estimated arrival time: Three thousand years, five days, one minute, twelve seconds," said a voice from the screen. "Dat'z also probably not good," BoB said, going back in the car with all the passengers. BoB looked out the window, and saw they were much closer to the planet now. BoB ran back into the car holding his escape pod, and got inside.

BoB turned on the screen on the ring above his control panel on, and saw an error message. "Emergency: we are in a quickly decaying orbit. Estimated time until impact: ten minutes," Celliri said. "And dat meanz wat?" BoB asked. "The train is in an orbit that is bringing it closer to the planet, and has ten minutes until it crashes to the surface," Celliri said. "Wat can BoB do about it?" BoB asked. "Nothing can be done. The train can not escape the planet's gravity," Celliri said. BoB ran back outside, and saw the light blue lights that were in the doors were now red. "Depressurizing all Z area compartments preparing for release," said a voice through the train's speakers. "Decompressuizing all Z area compartments." "Celliri, wat does dat mean?" BoB asked. "It means that all the train cars that are labeled as the Z area will be depressurized," Celliri said. "Where are we?" BoB asked. "We appear to be in the baggage cart of the Y area, which appears to be the first train before the Z area," Celliri said. 

BoB pointed his Universal Remote at a speaker and turned it on, speaking into the universal remote. "Everyone in da Z area, head to da front of da train!" BoB yelled. BoB tried opening the door with his universal remote, but it wouldn't open. "Da door seems to be stuck, but BoB can get dat fixed in time! Well, probably. Maybe anyway," BoB said, aiming the Universal Remote at the door again. BoB turned it to the strongest setting, and blasted the doors. The lights in the door started flashing as BoB finally got them open. People started running through the now open door, and the baggage cart started getting full. "Everybody get in da phone box!" BoB yelled over the siren coming from the train cars. As the last of the people ran inside, BoB got in and shut the door. BoB looked on the monitor for life signs on the train cars that were detaching, but saw that nobody was left on them. "Everybody wait in here. And don't touch anything if ya don't want to go flying into another dimension or destroying time!" BoB yelled, and ran back out of the escape pod. BoB turned his Universal Remote back on, and tried to shut the doors. He kept aiming at them, even as the Z section train cars detached and started to fall, creating a vacuum that sucked BoB towards the doors. He reached out for the nearest thing behind him, and managed to grab his escape pod door handle. BoB was hovering parallel to the floor of the train car, but the doors started to shut. The doors slammed shut, and BoB fell to the floor.

BoB opened the other door that led to the rest of the train car, and told everyone in the escape pod to get out. "Oh, right, BoB still need to do something about the impending fiery crash," BoB said, looking out the window. But just as he said that, the train was surrounded by turquoise fire again, and everything shook. When everything stopped shaking, BoB looked out the window. There was nothing much to see, other than hundreds of stars far away. BoB went into the car that had the screen, and turned it on again. "Error. We are off course. Estimated arrival time: Two thousand years, thirty days, fifty six minutes, thirty four seconds," said the voice. "Celliri, didn't dat voice say it wuz three thousand years last time BoB turned it on?" BoB asked. "Yes, it did it said it was three thousand years, five days, one minute, twelve seconds last time," Celliri said. "Den maybe dat explain why we were about to crash, and den we wuz in da middle of space. Maybe dat fire iz a teleport system on board malfunctioning, cauzing da train to teleport randomly into space," BoB said. BoB opened the door and walked back into the highly crowded passenger car. 

BoB looked out the window, trying to see if there was anything outside other than stars. BoB heard a sound like someone was banging on metal, and looked around. He saw that everybody else was looking around, wondering where the noise had come from. Then the noise came again, and BoB looked up. "Dis wouldn't happen to be a train with two floorz, would it?" BoB asked. "No," whispered someone towards the back of the car. Another knock came from the ceiling, the sound echoing around the silent train car.

"Alright, somethings up there, but maybe it'z just curious, and will go away," BoB whispered. "It probably hasn't ever seen a space train before, maybe it will just go away." BoB said. "But nothing can exist in space! It's a vacuum!" yelled a passenger. "BoB would say what ever dat thing iz, it seems to be doing a pretty good job," BoB whispered, as another of the creature's knocks rang through the train car. "It's going to eat us!" The person yelled. "Dare iz no reason to believe dat," BoB said. "Just becuz it'z new and unknown doezn't mean it wants to eat us. Maybe we can be da first train full uv people to meat something dat lives entirely in space. But darez no reason to fear it and think it will attack ya just because it different. Nobody ever met somethin like dis before, dare'z no reason to think it will hurt you until you have an actual reason," BoB said, as the creature knocked again. There was a scraping noise from the ceiling, like fingernails on a chalk board. A giant, long, claw came through the ceiling, and started to cut a hole into the ceiling.

"Right den, dare yer cauze!" BoB yelled, opening the door to the baggage car with the Universal Remote. "Everybody get in dare, and get in da red phone box!" BoB yelled over people screaming. Once everyone was in the baggage car, BoB shut the door behind them. "Air loss detected in car Y-9. Detaching cars Y-9 and Y-10 for the safety of our other passengers," said the automated voice over the loud speaker. "Can we pleaze get in dare a little faster?" BoB said, as a giant claw came through the metal door. BoB started shoving people inside, and then shut the door. BoB set the coordinates so they would materialize in the next baggage car, and pulled the lever. 

The escape pod started to wheeze, and dematerialized. "Error, the train seems to de disappearing," Celliri said. "Lock on to dat train, don't let it teleport away. BoB need to fix whatever iz wrong wrong with dat train, or dee people gonna be stuck teleportin through space forever," BoB said. The escape pod started to wheeze furiously, and sparks shot from the walls again. The column came to a stuttering stop as they materialized. The escape pod was flying through time, and right in front of them was the train, surrounded by fire. "Celliri, how can da space train be time traveling?" BoB asked. "It must have flew through the hole you created by crashing through time earlier. The train must have gotten some time energy in the engine somehow, and when it activates, the train flies through time to anywhere in the universe," Celliri said. The train was starting to fade away, and BoB's escape pod started to materialize on it. 

BoB stepped out side, and saw they were in another luggage car, which had a sign over both doors that read "section X luggage car."  "It'z safe to get out now," BoB said to all the people in his escape pod, as he got his Universal Remote out to open the door. The door slid open behind him before he even pushed a button, and BoB saw a passenger standing there. "How iz ya supposed to get these doors open without a Universal Remote?" BoB asked. "The door recognizes every passenger on board, and opens automatically for them," said the passenger. "Oh, right, yeah BoB knew dat, becuz BoB'z a fellow passenger," BoB said, and quickly walked out the door. BoB looked around for one of the cars with a computer in it, and opened the door. He turned on the screen, and hit a button saying "passenger list." He used the Universal Remote to add his name to the list. "New passenger. Please place your hand on the screen," said the monitor. BoB placed his hand one the screen, and a light flashed green. "New passenger recognized," said the screen, turning off. BoB heard a scream from the train car he had just left, and ran back inside.

BoB saw a person surrounded by red crackling energy screaming, then they faded away before BoB could get a good look at them. "Everybody freeze!" BoB yelled, using his Universal Remote to lock both doors. "As the official investigater fur dis, BoB say everybody here iz a suspect, and nobody iz allowed to leave dis car," BoB said to the packed train car. "Attention all passengers," said a robotic voice from the speakers. "Attention all passengers. Passengers have disappeared in cars A-4, F-6, O-1, and U-5. All passengers are advised to be cautious at all times," said the robotic voice. "All right, dat'z interestin." BoB said. "Ya all stay here, BoB haz some more vestigatin' to do," BoB said, walking back to the luggage car where the escape pod landed, and unlocking the door for a second.

BoB went inside his escape pod, and came back out with a USB stick. He went back to the room with the screen, and stuck the USB stick in it. The USB stick automatically downloaded the data, and BoB went back to his escape pod, locking both train car doors behind him. BoB plugged the USB into a spot on the control console, and looked at his screen. "Celliri, which passengers were da ones murdered?" BoB asked. "Unknown. The passengers list only shows that there are six less passengers than when the train departed," Celliri said. "Check da lists, and compare which passengers were dare earlier, but den gone a couple minutes later," BoB said.

After a couple seconds, the screen showed up with 6 different names, and listed by the times they no longer showed up on the system. "All right, search all uv these people, see if dey have anythin in common," BoB said. There was a wait of a couple seconds, and lots of information popped up next to the names. Looking at them, BoB could see none of them even were from the same planets, and some were even from different galaxies. "Celliri, check if any of doze planetz have had a war against anywhere, or will in da future," BoB said. "One of the planets, Turmathir. is a peaceful planet, and has only ever been involved in one conflict in all of history," Celliri said. "Good, wat planet wuz it dat Turmth... Turthmi... dat planet wuz fighting?" BoB asked, trying to pronounce the name. "It was a war against the planet of Ogisvoz, a planet known for starting wars with almost every inhabited planet in multiple surrounding galaxies. Ogisvoz has also started multiple wars with each other planet on this list," Celliri said. "Check if dare iz any passengers from Ogisvoz den," BoB said.

One name showed up on the screen. "Dat got to be who it iz," BoB said, just as the name faded from the screen. "Wat happened?" BoB asked, opening his escape pod door, and hearing the robotic voice talking. "...is dead in car S-3," BoB heard the voice saying. BoB walked back into the escape pod, and closed the door. "Well, dat wasn't da person either," BoB said. "Search anything you can think of Celliri. Haz anyone been famous? Have dey ever met each other? Anything you can think of," BoB said, looking at the monitor, as it updated with a seventh name.

BoB saw lots of new statistics pop up on the monitor, but none of them were related. Most of the people didn't know each other, and none of them were very famous. "Wait a minute," BoB said. "Doze net worths are going down in a decreasing order, check everyone's net worth on this train, den sort dem by highest value to lowest value," BoB said. A list popped up on the screen, in descending order of net worth. The seven people with the highest net worth were also the people who had been murdered. "So den, if BoB'z right, we need to keep an eye on da person eight on dat list," BoB said. "But why would dey kill dem instead of take dem randsome?" BoB asked out loud. BoB saw the person was only a couple of train cars away, so he stepped out of the escape pod and headed that way. BoB walked in the car, and the first thing he did was use the Universal Remote on the security systems, so that the footage would be sent directly to his escape pod. BoB sat down and watched the person he was looking for. They seemed to be talking to someone next to them, and hadn't even noticed BoB walk in. BoB set his Universal Remote to detect any form of energy in the car.

BoB didn't have to wait long, because within five minutes of BoB sitting down, a red glow surrounded the passenger. They screamed, and faded away quickly. The person they had been talking to jumped back, and BoB looked around to see if anyone was holding a weapon. Nobody seemed to be, or looking like they were hiding one. "BoB'z da official vestigator  on dis train, and BoB'z locking dis car down to make sure dat criminal can't escape," BoB said, locking one door, and stepping back into the baggage car. "BoB will be vestigatin' in here, and find whoever did dis," BoB said, locking the door. BoB went back inside his escape pod, and looked at the footage. He didn't see anyone pull out any sort of weapon at any point. "Celliri, wat about da energy readingz? Wuz dare any sort of energy dat a blaster would use?" BoB asked. "No. The only change in energy seems to be an energy usually emitted by a teleporter," Celliri said. "Iz dare any way to trace where dis teleporter leadz?" BoB asked. "Yes. It seems to lead to a space police station," said Celliri. "Can BoB call dem and ask why dey abducting people?" BoB asked.

A couple seconds later, the police department answered the call, and a face appeared on the monitor.  "Dis iz BoB, highly secret instant investigater on da space train. Wat do ya think yer doing kidnappin people off da train?" BoB asked. "Oh, it's you again, the sign inspector. And you're currently on the space train?" The person asked. "Good, we've been trying to reach it but..." the signal started to fade and was filled with crackling noises. "-ignal is very weak." they said. "BoB noticed. Talk faster den," BoB said. "We're trying to..." the crackling noises started up again. "-ave them, tra..... -taged." they said as the signal got weaker. "So den of course ya save da richest first. Why can't ya just take everyone at once?" BoB asked. "Tel...-rter is too weak. It can...-ne at a time, but then it needs rechar...-ing. But this is highly important: the tra... -s a... -ap. It's been destinat... -ive into..." The signal got too weak, and the screen went black. 

"Celliri, check all da train flight plans, and see where dis train iz headed," BoB said. "The train shows it is programmed to fly to the Zizzyxz galaxy, just as it says," Celliri said, showing a route map on the screen. BoB looked, and saw there was nothing in one area of the map. "Celliri, dat blank spot lookz suspicious, compare dat to a real image uv space dare," BoB said. A picture showed up, and BoB saw the missing spot was just pure blackness, with no stars around it. "Celery, iz dat a black hole?" BoB asked. "It seems to be," Celliri said. "How close iz dis train flying to dat?" BoB asked. "Too close. Calculations show that if the train is pre-programmed to take this route, it will fall into the black hole," Celliri said. "But if the train keeps teleportin, maybe it won't get dat close," BoB said. "The train appears along its original route every third time it teleports. If it teleports about every five minutes, you have about twenty five minutes before we are too close to the black hole," Celliri said. "Twenty five minutes? Dats easy if ya have a time machine," BoB said, running outside.

BoB opened the door again as soon as it landed, and people came flooding inside. "Don't touch anything if ya don't want to spin off into a parallel dimension or die," BoB said over the speakers. Once all the people were inside from this section, BoB moved to the next one. This went on for quite a while, until BoB was finally in the A section, with fifteen minutes left before the train flew into the black hole. Everybody got inside,  and BoB pulled the lever. The wheezing started, and the escape pod dematerialized. "See, BoB managed to save everyone," BoB said. The escape pod suddenly started materializing. "Wat? No, dat not supposed to happen, BoB didn't say to materialize!" BoB yelled, pushing buttons on the control panel furiously. The column stopped moving, and BoB saw that they were right where they had dematerialized from. "Celliri, what happened?" BoB said. "The train is in lock down, nothing can teleport in or out, and that also affects dematerialization," Celliri said. "What can BoB do about dat den?" BoB asked. "In the front of the train you should be able to shut it off," Celliri said.

BoB ran out the door, and used his Universal Remote so that nobody could mess with his escape pod. BoB ran off as fast as he could towards the front of the train. By the time he was in the front of the train, five minutes had already gone by. "Wat now Celliri?" BoB asked, looking around the controls. "It appears there aren't any controls here," Celliri said. BoB was already unscrewing a metal panel from the wall, with wiring behind it. BoB grabbed the first wires he could find, and ripped them out. The door shut behind him, and locked itself. BoB grabbed all the wires he could, and yanked them all out. "You've disabled the lockdown BoB," Celliri said, as BoB jumped up, and went to work unlocking the door.

"Train car A-1 detaching from train car Engine," said a robotic voice over the speakers. BoB unlocked the door, and saw a thin tunnel of energy linking the train car and the engine car together. BoB jumped the large gap, and the door immediately shut behind him. BoB rolled to his feet and ran towards the baggage car. "BoB, even though the engine is detached, the cars will still keep their momentum. You only have three minutes," Celliri said. BoB ran into the baggage car, and jumped in the escape pod, with the door closing automatically behind him. BoB hit the emergency lever immediately, and the central column made a noise like a car engine stuttering, then with a huge wheezing noise it dematerialized almost instantly.

BoB put the coordinates for the exact time the train should have been arriving at the station in, and pulled the lever. The escape pod materialized, and BoB opened the door. "You have arrived at your destination," Celliri said over the escape pod sound system. People started running out of the escape pod, and once BoB was sure everyone was gone, he closed the door. "Celliri, why would sumone try to destroy their own train?" BoB asked. "As you fixed the space train, I checked who the CEO of the company in charge of building the space train was. He had so much insurance on it, he would have tripled his money if it failed, so he programmed it to fail," Celliri said. BoB set some coordinates to a couple of days ago, and pulled the lever.

As the escape pod flew through time, BoB wrote a note, and finished right as they landed. BoB deleted a couple of things from the USB stick that was still plugged into the computer. "BoB, what are you doing?" Celliri asked. "BoB'z giving dem an anonymous tip, so dey will investigate dat space train. Don't worry, BoB'z deleted all da stuff dat happen in da future, like when da people disappeared from da train," BoB said. "BoB, you could create another paradox," Celliri said. "Nah, it'z probably fine, time probably won't burn to dust," BoB said, stepping out of the escape pod.

BoB walked over to a desk, and placed the note down, and the USB stick on top of it. "Hey! What what do you think you're doing in here!" a space cop yelled at BoB. "BoB'z a highly secret BoB'z a professional sign inspector, it'z a job so secret dat nobody knows about it. Nobody can know about sign inspectorz, becuze BoB couldn't be able to properly inspect signs if they knew BoB was coming there to inspect dem," BoB said.

"Oh, that makes sense. Is this sign good?" asked the space cop. BoB looked at it, and then made a disgusted face. "Oh no, it haz a very bad font, it'z too, small, dat'z all wrong. Dat'z gonna be a heavy fine from da sign inspection committee. However, BoB could just ignore it if ya look in to this here," BoB said, pointing at the note and USB stick. "All right, we'll investigate that sir. Thank you," said the space cop. "Good. Oh, and you'll probably be getting a call from BoB in a couple of days," BoB said. "Okay, thank you sir," said the space cop, clearly wanting BoB to go away so BoB couldn't fine him for the sign. "See you... well, earlier actually," BoB said, stepping into the escape pod. A couple of seconds later, the escape pod started to dematerialize, and it slowly faded out of existence right in front of the space cop's eyes. 

2021

*NOTE: CERTAIN NAMES IN THIS BOBLOG HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY*

 

BoB had been waiting for a couple minutes for his escape pod to land. On the screen it looked like they should have almost arrived at their destination, but the escape pod had slowed down. "Updates available. Downloading updates," Celliri said. "Updatez? Wat updatez? Updates fur what? Ya can't just go downloading updates of thingz without tellin BoB!" BoB yelled. "Download complete. Installing updates.Installation complete. Compatibility check. Error: Incompatible console. Control room reconfiguring at a later date," Celliri said. "Wat wuz all dat about?" BoB asked. "Your Universal Remote has now been updated and linked to the escape pod. It now has a small amount of control over time around you. You can freeze time in a small area, slow it down, or speed it up, but it drains the batteries very quickly, and wears off as soon as the escape pod dematerializes. The interior or the escape pod will also be updated and slightly remodeled so that it has a slot for the remote," Celliri said. "Can BoB just turn da scape pod update to remind BoB later? Because if BoB'z going to the future with angry orange robotz, it wouldn't be good to be locked out of da scape pod," BoB said. "You will be reminded in half an hour," Celliri said, and the escape pod started to materialize.

BoB opened the door, looked outside for a second. "So dis iz da right place? We here just before Frump* got hiz device so he'd be around forever, so BoB can stop it?" BoB asked. "Yes. We have arrived a few hours earlier than when he first heard of it," Celliri said. "Well, if dey new about something like dat, it would be all over Twitter," BoB said, and went to Twitter on his escape pod's screen. The first thing he saw was that instead of blue, Twitter was now mostly decorated in orange, and the bird in the logo was now a orange-yellow cat. The top tweet was from Denald K. Frump* himself. It said "I was told my new business, Steak on a Stake, is going to fail. BAD! I have too much at steak!" BoB checked the date, and saw that it was 2021. "How'd he get in office a second time? How'd he even survive da first four yearz? He'z ainchent" BoB said. He scrolled down a bit, and saw a tabloid linking to their article, "5 REAL TIME TRAVELERS caught on CAMERA!!!!!" BoB looked at it, and the first picture was of BoB yesterday, holding up a sign with coordinates, and a date on it. Behind BoB was his escape pod, and everyone in the picture was slightly turned towards it, as if it had just appeared. BoB set the coordinates for those on the sign, and pulled the lever, as he grabbed some materials to make the exact same sign.

His escape pod materialized, and the second it was safe to open the door, he walked out, holding the sign high above his head. People suddenly started rushing towards BoB, wondering where he had come from. BoB stepped back inside, set the time to arrive ten minutes later, and dematerialized. He stepped out, and saw that the entire crowd was gone. A cardboard sign was blown into his escape pod by the wind. BoB looked at the back of the sign, and saw it had something written on it. "Frump Needz to be stopped by two o clock. Go to deez coordinatez, and be careful about guardz." On the bottom of the sign were coordinates. BoB flipped it over, and saw it was the sign he had just held up. BoB set the coordinates for five minutes ago, pulled the lever, and started working on the back of the sign.

The escape pod materialized, and BoB stepped out. The crowd of people were still there, and they were all swarming around BoB. "How did you do that?" asked a reporter. "Was it a magic trick?" "No, it wuz actually a smaller-on-da-outside phone box that can travel in space and time using highly complicated fizzicz," BoB said. "But if ya just go to dat store across da street and wait dare fur ten minutez, BoB can explain how it works," BoB said. People slowly started walking over to the store across the street, but some people looked like they doubted BoB. "Go! Don't ya all want to know how to build yer own time machinez? OR at least very spacious closetz?" BoB said. That got people moving. They started running to the store across the street. As soon as everyone was gone, BoB put the sign down somewhere. He stepped back into the escape pod, set the coordinates, and pulled the lever. "BoB, you just lied to those people. You have no intention of telling them how to build a time machine, do you?" Celliri asked. "No, but dey weren't dare in five minutes when BoB landed dare. BoB knew ya'd be saying things like 'Oh BoB, don't go ripping the time space continuum apart!' 'BoB, you've just torn the universe in half!' if BoB didn't get dem to go away," BoB said. "BoB, you just caused a bootstrap paradox. You wrote that sign because you saw the sign that you wrote in the future, giving no origin of where you had originally found this information," Celliri said. "Iz dat gonna rip da universe apart?" BoB asked. "No, but it's probably best to not do that," Celliri said. "Az long az BoB'z not ripping da universe apart, it'z fine."

BoB's escape pod materialized, and BoB saw he was standing in front of the Orange House "So wat does BoB do, just walk right up and knock?" BoB asked. BoB started walking up towards the doors, when a machine gun popped out of the ground, aimed directly in his face. BoB got out his Universal Remote, and pressed the button. The machine gun retreated back into the ground. BoB kept walking, and every couple of steps a new weapon popped out of the ground. BoB was just about at the door, when he heard a metallic clunking sound around the corner. BoB tried to hide behind a column, but he couldn't get there in time. BoB saw it was a Frumpbot, but it looked slightly clunkier than the ones he had seen in the future, and it had a grove running down the middle of it. "Halt. You-Are-Trespassing. Backup-requested," said the Frumpbot. "Intruders-Instantly-Recieve-Sentencing. Punishment-For-Trespassing:-Death-Sentence." BoB started running back to his escape pod, as more Frumpbots started following him. "Your thirty minutes are up. Would you like to update now?" Celliri asked. "Not now, BoB'z being chased by killer robot! How about ya try again in another half hour?" BoB asked, as something exploded behind him. BoB jumped into his escape pod, and shut the door. BoB set the coordinates to arrive a couple of hours later inside the Orange House, and dematerialized. 

Since BoB's escape pod still had Twitter on the screen, it started moving much faster as BoB traveled through time, and he saw reports of the Orange House grounds being broken into by someone in a London phone box, who had disappeared, with security footage of BoB. "Well, datz not good. Hopefully da Frumpbotz aren't still on high alert," BoB said, as the escape pod materialized. "Actually, they aren't independent Frumpbots yet. They are currently just combat suits for soldiers to wear, so that they can be protected from most things, and have massive amounts of firepower," Celliri said.

BoB stepped out of the escape pod, and onto the red carpet lining the halls. "Celliri, iz dare some way to make a giant mysterious phone box invisible?" BoB asked. "Your universal remote can project an invisibility field around you and any objects you need, but it won't work if you're to far away from the object," Celliri said. "Can da scape pod dematerialize and park somewhere it won't be noticed, and den just come back here?" BoB asked. "Your Universal Remote can summon the escape pod straight to you at the push of button," Celliri said, as the escape pod dematerialized. "BoB, you can aim the remote at security cameras and pause the footage so they won't know you're here," Celliri said. BoB saw a camera, and pushed the button on the remote. BoB needed to get his escape pod pieces so that Frump could never use them in the future to build his own time machine, and somehow make sure that he could sabotage whatever life support device that was going to be demonstrated to Frump today, so he wouldn't get one, at least until he was out of office. 

BoB was headed down the hall, looking for where Frump would be, when a guard saw him. BoB pressed the pause button before the guard could call for backup, and the air pulsed around the guard for a second. The guard was standing absolutely still, paused until BoB's escape pod dematerialized. "Warning: battery power at eighty percent. Batteries recharge over time," said Celliri. BoB continued walking, and eventually he saw a group of security guards talking. One of the guards saw him, and alerted all the others. BoB pointed his remote at the first one grabbing a walkie talkie, and hit pause. "Warning: Battery power down to sixty percent," said Celliri. BoB hit pause at another guard who was pulling a gun on him, and right as the air around the guard rippled, a bullet fired from the gun, now suspended in mid air. "Warning: Battery power low, forty percent," Said Celliri. "Batteriez charge over time?" BoB asked, as he paused another guard. "Yes, they recharge over time automatically," said Celliri as the guards got dangerously close to BoB. BoB aimed on the ground behind the guards, and pressed fast forward. The sir rippled, and BoB threw the remote over into the space he had just sped up. BoB dodged the first guard, and knocked the gun out of his hand, but there was another right behind him. BoB rolled under that guards outstretched arm, and ran to the far end of the hall where the remote was. BoB grabbed it, and it was now fully charged due to time being sped up as fast as the remote could handle. BoB paused the last two of the guards, and continued on.

BoB looked at a wall, and saw there was an air duct. BoB unscrewed the grate with the Universal Remote, and climbed in. "Dis should keep doze guardz away," BoB said, and climbed through the air duct. It was now sloping up wards, and BoB could tell he was in the ceiling now. BoB saw light shining in from a grate. BoB looked through, and saw Frump sitting in a chair. "So? I'm in charge of this  country. I can do whatever I want!" BoB heard Frump yell into the phone. "What do you mean that's not how it works? I don't need to know this! I'm in charge, I don't care about laws, I have executive orders!" he said. "Oh yeah, well you're fired! Yes I can remove someone who was elected from power, I'm in charge, I can do what I want!" Frump yelled, and threw the phone against the wall. "It has been half an hour, would you like to install updates?" Asked Celliri. "Yes! Fine! BoB'z sneaking here, be quiet," BoB whispered. "Who is that?" Frump asked. BoB locked the doors with his Universal Remote so no guards could come in, but him shifting his weight caused the grate to come loose.

"Who are you?" screamed Frump. BoB aimed the remote at everything electrical he could see so that Frump couldn't call for guards. "Telegram! Wait, datz da wrong century. Uh, personal email deliverer?" BoB said. "Is that something new?" asked Frump. "Yes, it a new way fur ya to get all yer personal emailz. See, it'z top secret, so not even da prezident knowz about it. See, den nobody can accuse ya of getting classified emailz on da wrong server!" BoB said. "So it is new? I don't like new, or change. I hate change," Frump said. "Not an email deliverer, definitely a telegram!" BoB said. "I'm currently working on sending the country back to the middle ages anyway. It was great then, only the rich people could be educated. I want to make it that great again," said Frump.

"Who are you, and how did you get in here?" Frump asked reaching for the button to call security. "Why isn't the button working?" Frump asked, mashing the button. "And why did the doors lock?" he asked. "See, BoB'z really a professional undercover sign inspector. It'z a job so secret, only two people know about it, but BoB'z been told to meet da prezident by BoB'z boss. Da job'z so secret, not even the guards can know about it, dat'z why the door are locked," BoB said. "Do you have any identification, professional sign inspector?" Frump asked. "No, becuze if undercover sign inspectorz went around giving out buisiness cardz saying dare undercover, dat would just give it away and everyone would know," BoB said. Frump suddenly got a call on his cell phone, and answered it. 

"Yes, I know that you say I can't do that, but I'M IN CHARGE, AND YOU'RE ALSO FIRED!" Frump yelled into his phone, and smashed it against the wall. "Have you heard the news? I'm about to split the United States of Frump in half, with all Democrats all forced to live on one side in their own country, and Republicans on the other half. But since I own all the land, I can just pass laws screwing the Democrats over so they have to come into the Republican half of the country!" Frump said. "Ah, yes, great idea. Frump. How is it gonna be divided? Is the line gonna be horizontal or vertical? What about diagonal? Which direction will it be diagonal in? From northwest to southeast, or from northeast to southwest? Or what if you do it in alternatin stripes? What if ya do it with dots of land? Will there be walls separatin them? Wat if ya do it in a zigzag? And wat will ya do about independentz and otherz? Do dey get a small strip in da middle? Do ya just throw dem into da sea? Ya probably never even thought about any of deez questionz, and ya really shouldn't do dis  until ya can answer all doze questionz," BoB said.

"I don't take suggestions from anyone, I stopped listening a long time ago. I have a meeting with a foreign company come to show off their new life support system blue prints and results right now, I can't have you discussing sign inspectors in here. I demand you unlock those doors," Frump said. "Okay, BoB will leave right away den Mister Frump," BoB said unlocking the door. The person that would be showing Frump the results of the life support system was walking in, and BoB pointed the remote at the pepers they were holding. The papers burst into flames, and Frump started yelling. "What have you done? I DEMAND YOU GIVE ME THAT DEVICE!" Frump yelled. "Guards! Turn up maximum defenses! Activate the experimental forcefield!" Frump yelled. "Oh, BoB'z so sorry, were doze da only copies of doze paperz?" BoB asked the person who had walked in the door. "Yes! I spent four years developing it, and now the blueprints are gone! I should have made copies!" The person yelled. "Well, if it only takes four yearz, Frump will be out of office by den. Yer blueprint shouldn't spontaneously combust den," BoB said, running out the doors.

BoB pushed the button to summon his escape pod, but the remote made a high pitched beeping sound. "BoB, the Orange House has an experimental forcefield turned on, interfering with landing. You need to get to the courtyard before you can call the escape pod, and even then there's not a guarantee it can lock on to the exact position," Celliri said. BoB looked out the first window he saw, and immediately saw a Frumpbot patrolling under it. BoB kept running, checking every window, until he saw one with no Frumpbot under it. He used the Universal Remote to shatter the glass, and jumped out into the courtyard. The thud of BoB landing alerted the Frumpbots to him, and they started locating the source of the noise.

BoB pressed the button to summon the Escape Pod, and it started appearing at the far end of the courtyard. BoB ran over there, pausing a Frumpbot that shot at him. A Frumpbot fleet flew above him, firing giant bullets down. BoB was only a couple feet away from his escape pod, when a Frumpbot rapid fired at him. BoB was close enough for his escape pod forcefield to be protected, and the bullets bounced off it. BoB opened the door, and saw the control room was now white, and the central panel had been changed. "Oh great, now how'z BoB supposed to find da dematerialization lever?" BoB said, shutting the door and running to the controls. BoB grabbed the biggest lever he could find, which was a big yellow lever, and pulled it. The escape pod started to dematerialize, and BoB was safe from the Frumpbots.

BoB suddenly realized that he hadn't managed to grab his escape pod pieces, and that meant in the future Frump would still be able to build a time machine. "Nope, we going back!" BoB said, and looed around on his console. He saw a giant back button, and hit that. The escape pod rematerialized in the courtyard, and BoB saw his joystick plugged in to one part of the console. He grabbed it, and flew the escape pod straight at the window of Frump's office. The escape pod smashed through the window, and BoB poked his head out. "Excuse BoB, ya haven't seen any other dimensional wooden phone box pieces lately, have ya?" BoB asked. "Wha- No, I haven't!" Frump said. "Guards! He's in here again!" Frump yelled. Behind him, two red escape pod pieces faded into view. "Ya weren't lyin fer once", BoB said, as he grabbed the escape pod pieces that had just materialized. He shut that door, and pulled the dematerialization lever. 

Now that BoB was safe, he had a look around his new escape pod interior. The floor was a checkered white and light gray pattern. The walls were now white, but yellowing in some spots already, and higher up they changed from light gray, to dark gray, to black, and then the ceiling. There was still the escape pod exterior indented into the wall, so BoB could see outside through the three windows. Next to the escape pod indentation were two white hand rails, and caution tape on the floor in front of that, with two red vents next to it. Above the escape pod indentation was an arching thing, holding a valve in place just above the exterior. The walls now had all sorts of strange things on them, one side of wall had a vent with a lever below it, looking like some sort of air conditioner. Another part of the wall had a round screen, showing a computer generated escape pod flying through time, with a screen that showed their destination next to it. In one corner there was also a chair, and near the opposite wall from the chair there was a strange, curved machine with two glass windows. 

On another wall, there were four storage containers in the wall, and a yellow tube sticking out of the wall next to a ladder. BoB's control console now had vents around the base of it. The central column was multicolored, and had black cylinders that rose and fell in unison with the wheezing. Towards the top of the column it had strange cone like structures and flat round bits until it touched the ceiling. BoB's control console now only had four sides, but it could now spin around. There was a ring around the column that could be spun around. On it were six levers, and a monitor. There was now a place for BoB's universal remote on one panel, and every panel had a place for the joystick he used to fly around to plug in. There were also lots of new buttons which he didn't know what purpose they served, and there were at least three different keyboards total.

"Good thing BoB haz it set up to automatically take BoB to da next scape pod piece," BoB said. "Actually, every update sets your settings back to the way they originally were. You have to now update your setting preferences again," Celliri said. "Great. Doez it come with an instruction manual at least?" BoB asked. "The instruction manual is thirty thousand five hundred seventy one pages long," Celliri said. "Never mind," BoB said, as he prepared himself to try and figure out what each button did.

The Other Dimension

"Well, stopping' him from gettin elected didn't work," BoB said, back in his escape pod. "But wat would would happen if BoB stopped him gettin his tiny hands on dat life support device? Would the universe collapse?" BoB asked. "No. As long as the only change you make is that he doesn't get that technology, he would never live long enough to ruin the world like you saw earlier," Celliri said. "Good," BoB said, setting coordinates. BoB pulled the dematerialization lever, and the escape pod started making the wheezing noise.

BoB's escape pod shook, and BoB looked outside. He saw black energy swirling from the side of the tunnel of energy, and grabbed the joystick. BoB tried to steer the escape pod away, but the pull of the black energy was too strong. The view outside the door was nothing but darkness for a few seconds, until the lights flickered, and the wheezing noise started.

BoB opened the escape pod door, and looked around. He seemed to be in a normal city, with a few people walking around. BoB looked at the escape pod, and saw that lots of black energy rising off it like steam. 
"Celliri, wat iz dis energy?" BoB asked. "Unknown energy. It was released when the central column of the other escape pod was shot, dousing the exterior in it. This energy has not been found anywhere else in the universe," Celliri said. "Well, time to find out where BoB iz den," BoB said. "All BoB need ta do iz find a newspaper."

An hour later, BoB walked deeper into the city, still not having found a newspaper. There were a lot more people walking around now, and BoB finally found a place to buy a newspaper. BoB put in the change, and grabbed a newspaper. "It would really just be easier if BoB'z smart watch actually worked for normal smart watch thingz," BoB said. "It does, BoB," Celliri said. "Really? Becuz BoB doezn't have an instruction manual," BoB said. "Not after you threw it at an alien that was chasing you, no," Celliri said. BoB looked at the newspaper, an saw everything was written backwards. "Nice newspaper. BoB'z not payin just to get a glitchy newspaper," BoB said, pulling out his remote. He made the machine release another newspaper, and the glass in the machine rippled. This newspaper was also backwards. 

"Iz glass supposed to ripple?" BoB asked, walking over to a car. BoB aimed the remote at a car window, and pressed the button. Everything around BoB started to ripple. Suddenly, a creature appeared through the car window and started to grow. The creature was blue, with tentacles on the bottom half of it, and had pincers for arms. The head was round, flattened on top, and it had four pincers around its mouth. "You have crossed universal boundaries. Prepare to be destroyed," the creature said. "Universal boundaries? Wat doez dat mean?" BoB asked. "You have crossed universal boundaries. Prepare to be destroyed," the creature said, before firing a green beam of energy from one claw.

"Wat does it mean universal boundaries? Celliri, wat iz dis?" BoB asked, running away. "Error. All coordinates are negative numbers. This is not possible," Celliri said, as the creature emerged from the shiny black wall of a building. "BoB got it!" BoB yelled. "Ever look in a mirror and think yer seeing another world? Well ya are. It's dis one. Almost every action iz almost da same, but it'z mirrored. It'z so similar, the universes are connected by mirrors. When ya see somethin in a mirror, you're not seeing a reflection of dat thing, you're seeing through into the other reality, where the thing iz in the same place, but mirrored. And these creaturez come out of any reflective surface, because dey patrol both universes and attack anything that'z done something without the same action being performed in the other," BoB said. "BoB, how are you sure?" Celliri asked. "Because, the whole time BoB'z been running, BoB'z been looking in anything reflective. And there's no reflection of BoB." 

"But what does that mean?" asked Celliri. "It means we wuz sucked here, without dis universe'z 'scape pod being sucked through the other way. So since dare'z two BoBz here now, dey want to get rid of both. If BoB can get out of here, den dey should stop," BoB said, as he rounded the corner and saw his escape pod. The creature behind BoB shimmered out of existence, and reappeared through the glass in the front door of BoB's escape pod. BoB rolled under it, and opened the door. "Celliri, iz da coordinate still in da system?" BoB asked, shutting the door and rushing towards the control panel. "Yes, you just have to pull the lever," Celliri said. "Good. BoB just need it to grab da scape pod now," BoB said, turning on the monitor. The creature grabbed the escape pod, and it shook violently. The creature started to suck away the black energy that was still rising from the escape pod. BoB waited until he was sure it had taken most of the energy, and pulled the lever.

"Dare. Now dat it'z sucked off most of dat energy dat pulled da scape pod here in the first place, we should be able to get to where we wuz trying to go," BoB said as the wheezing started. There was only blackness for a couple of seconds, until the escape pod materialized in the tunnel of energy. "Dare, now lets actually get where we wuz suppose to dis time, okay?" BoB said, and the escape pod started to wheeze.

BoB returns to the Future (Part 3)

*NOTE: CERTAIN NAMES IN THIS BOBLOG HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY*

 

A MESSAGE FROM CELLIRI:

Today, November 8th, is the most important day most people reading this will ever be alive for. It determines who controls this country, and what will happen in the future. It determines whether we have robots patrolling the streets, shooting everyone who is different, or not. It determines if a racist cheeto man has a time machine to ruin the universe with. It controls who lives and who dies in the future, and how many of each there are. So before you vote today, read BoB's blog, and see what happens.

"Yer gonna execute BoB before bragging? Dat not sound like Frump. How iz ya even alive after a hundred yearz anyway?," BoB asked. "I was elected president in 2016, and put all my billions, which is just an amazing amount of money, but it changes by the day, into finding something to keep people alive longer. A couple of years after I was elected they finished a machine, so I signed an executive order that I would be president forever. And now, even 100 years later, I'm still the greatest president ever," Frump said. "How come yer not blown off the face of da planet by now den?" BoB asked, inching away from the Frumpbots. "I promised the leaders of countries the same machine that my scientists found to keep people alive if they would just hand over leadership of their country to me. It was the greatest deal ever, just the greatest deal. Now I rule the whole world! Every country has a wall around it, even islands! China had one already to start! I built a whole wall around the planet just to keep illegal aliens out!" Frump yelled.

"Wat'z in yer safe Frump? How do ya know it's the greatest scientific discovery? Ya know nothing about science, or anything really," BoB said, moving in front of some sort of control panel. "Frumpbots, hold that thing," Frump said, and a Frumpbot grabbed BoB from the back. "The things held in that safe had some sort of new energy, which the greatest scientists analyzed. They managed to make that same kind of energy, and they time traveled. They're working on a a time machine now, so I can fix the past bigly, by being in charge of everything. The past was a disgrace. DISASTER!" Frump yelled. "In fact, this time machine is powered by that energy, which seems to make it smaller on the outside," Frump said. "Dat belongz to BoB actually. See, dat why BoB'z come here in da first place. So if ya could hand it over, den BoB can get on with stopping ya a little faster," BoB said, slowly reaching for his remote in his pocket.

"It's your property? Why do I care? I've changed the laws bigly since I was elected. Now any law that doesn't benefit me is gone. The president has absolute power because of one of my executive orders. I can do whatever I want!" Frump yelled. "Wher'd ya build all da Frumpbots frum? Who let ya get away with dat?" BoB asked, turning his remote on. "The Frumpbots are built right here in the United States of Frump, because I brought back jobs! They're mass produced to be police officers, and come with thousands of ways to kill you. But some are charging docks for the machine that keeps people alive. People will step into one for the first time, and since only the people I have decided are worthy enough to live for hundreds of years will have one, the machine will close up on them, and they will have no choice but to serve me as a scientist. They can't ever rebel, because their weapons are programmed to not fire on me," Frump said.

"Lord-president-Trump-sir," said a Frumpbot that had appeared on a screen in the wall. "It-is-done. Research-has-been-completed-you-are-free-to-fly-your-machine-for-the-first-time." "I'm 'free to fly?' Don't you dare act like you can tell me what to do! SELF DESTRUCT!" Frump yelled at the screen. "I-am-sorry-sir. I-will-self-destruct. I-hope-my-destruction-shall-make-America-greater-again," said the Frumpbot, before it exploded. The screen turned off as what was left of the smoking orange metal fell over.  Trump reached for a button. A column rose from the floor, with a console around it like BoB's old escape pod interior. The inside of the column inside the glass glowed a goldish orange color. The column screwed itself into the ceiling, and a humming noise started. "Now, I will make the past great again!" Frump yelled, reaching for a lever.

"Yeah, ya could do dat, but BoB don't recommend it," BoB said. "Why not? What are you going to do to stop me?" Frump asked. "Well, BoB'z remote here has a lazer, and becuze ya were walking around talking so much, ya didn't notice BoB had cut yer Frumpbot in half, and whatever dis machine wuz behind it," BoB said, and kicked over the remains of the Frumpbot that had  been holding him. "Let'z see, it sayz dat dis wuz... oh very important. All da thingz in yer building wuz controlled by dis. Including..." BoB said, and opened the safe. "Yer safe," BoB said and grabbed the escape pod pieces in there. "Dat wuz pretty stupid of ya to make yer safe controlled by a single computer. DIZASTER!!!!!!!" BoB yelled. 

"Frumpbots, execute him!" Frump yelled. "System-malfunction. DISASTER! DISASTER!" a Frumpbot yelled. "See, yer software controlling all da fully robotic Frumpbots wuz also destroyed. MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!" BoB yelled. "I'll execute you myself!" Frump said, pulling a huge orange gun from under his wig. "Doing sumthin yourself? Dats a first. But now dat yer defenses are down, BoB can do dis," BoB said, and pressed a button on his remote. BoB's escape pod started materializing around him as Frump fired at BoB. The shot bounced off the escape pod forcefield, and hit the column of Frump's time machine, cracking it. The lights flickered in Frump's time machine, and the light in the column faded. Black and dark green energy started spilling out and whipping around, destroying things. "Dat energy will make dis place explode ya know. Ya really should be more careful with weaponz near dangerous time and space devices," BoB said, and pulled the dematerialization lever. "Celliri, BoB'z going to have to make a stop before we go to da next scape pod piece," BoB said.

BoB's escape pod materialized on a sidewalk, near a large line of people. "BoB'z gonna have to vote, and make sure Frump never getz elected," BoB said. "BoB, are you even a US citizen?" Celliri asked. "Yes. No. Probably. BoB have lots of cards by now for when people are saying BoB needz authorization, dare got to be at least one in dare datz right," BoB said. "By voting today, you have had a direct part in events, meaning you can't ever do anything about it if Trump wins," Celliri said. "Well, better den just letting it happen," BoB said, and stepped outside. "Dat'z a lot of people. Even a time machine can't help BoB avoid waiting fur hourz here," BoB said, getting in line and preparing for the hours long wait.

BoB Returns to the Future (Part 2)

"Greatest execution? Why should BoB care if it da greatest execution, BoBz gonna be dead by the end of it," BoB said to the five Trumpbots pointing guns at him. "Unless ya don't do yer jobs right, but den it wouldn't be da greatest execution. Actually, it could be, if ya really suck at yer jobs and miss shooting everyone else by milez," BoB said. "Cease-talking-and-prepare-for-the-greatest-exectuion," ordered the Trumpbot. "But Trumpbutts, can't you just not shoot fur a second, so BoB can tell ya what a bad idea it iz to let BoB have a remote dat controls technology, and den send robots to execute BoB?" BoB said, and pointed the remote at the Trumpbots. BoB pressed the button, but nothing happened. "All-models-of-Trumpbots-are-shielded-from-all-external-forms-of-technology. You-have-made-a-mistake. Just-the-greatest-mistake. Prepare-for-execution. Your-Execution-will-make-Trumpland-great-again," the Trumpbot said.

"So it not been great in the hundred and one yearz since Trump got elected?" BoB asked. "Error. Logic-is-being-used-by-the-enemy. Logic-is-not-allowed-by-order-of-Trump-prepare-to-face-maximum-execution," the Trumpbot said. "Maximum execution? Dat not even make sense. Did Trump just throw words together because he thought dey sounded good? Actually ya, dat'z exactly wat he would do," BoB said. "You-have-offended-Trump-you-will-face-the-biglyest-exectuion-yet. Trumpbot-weapons-ready." "Before ya shoot BoB, BoB has to tell ya what a bad idea it wuz to not take BoB'z technology controlling remote, while BoB iz close to a hologram projector," BoB said, and pressed the button on the remote. Hundreds of holograms of BoB appeared, and BoB started running back to his escape pod.

"Celliri, iz evertything in da scape pod fixed yet?" BoB asked as the Trumpbots shot at the holograms. "Switch-to-heat-vision. Target-located. Proceed-with-biglyest-execution," the Trumpbots said. BoB looked back, and saw wheels had deployed from the Trumpbots' feet, and all five were chasing him. BoB swung the door open, and slammed it shut as the Trumpbots banged at the door. "Celliri, can we go somewhere a couple miles away frum da Trumpbots?" BoB asked. The escape pod dematerialized, and appeared in a field, far away from any Trumpbots. 

"So, let's see, we have to go see Trump and shut down doze Trumpotz before we can find da scape pod piecez, otherwise they'll keep trying to execute BoB," BoB said. "Trump's location is unknown. He is hiding somewhere, and does not show up on any scans. Wherever he is, it may be made out of the same material that covers the planet," Celliri said. "So den, let'z see, Trump like to brag about anything, he makes skyscrapers... Celliri, wat'z da tallest building on da continent?" BoB asked. The location popped up on the screen taking up one wall of BoB's escape pod. "Of course, he'd pick da second largest skyscraper if he wanted to live in a skyscraper, letting anyone attack da tallest skyscraper while he'z in another one, if he wuz smart" BoB said, and pulled the dematerialization lever. "BoB, where are we going?" Celliri asked. "To da tallest skyscraper!" BoB yelled.

"BoB, something is seriously disturbed here," Celliri said. "Seriously disturbed? Dat's definitely Trump," BoB said. "No BoB. Time and space are very disrupted here, and the top levels have some sort of forcefield preventing landing. We can't land on the top floor, but we've landed as close as we can," Celliri said. BoB stepped out, onto a floor of a building. The floor, walls, and ceiling were all completely black, and so were the doors. The place looked like an apartment complex. BoB started to look around for a staircase, but there wasn't a staircase on the floor. "Staicase, appear!" BoB yelled, and pushed a button on his remote. A staircase rose from the floor, made out of the same black material as the walls, and a hatch slid open in the ceiling. "Oh, dat worked," BoB said, and climbed the staircase. The next floor looked just the same. BoB used his remote again, and made another staircase. BoB climbed a few more staircases, before he got to a floor where the floor and ceiling were orange, the walls were white, and a staircase wouldn't appear.

"Celliri, why won't da staircase appear?" BoB asked. "The pervious floors were made with a material that could be manipulated by signals passing through it. Since the remote affects electronics and you wanted a staircase, the remote sent out a signal and programmed a staircase. But only the floor here is made out of that material, and since the ceiling won't open, the staircase doesn't appear," Celliri said. "So iz BoB on da top floor den?" BoB asked. "According to the buildings blueprints you are. But there's still room for another floor to be above you. It could be hiding a secret floor for Trump to live in," Celliri said. BoB inspected the ceiling, and saw a camera hidden in one point, pointing straight down. "BoB found da secret," BoB said. "Face-unauthorized. You-do-not-have-permission-to access-this-floor," said a voice from a speaker.

"If dat'z where Trump hidez, den hiz face must be da key. Oh, BoB got an idea," BoB said, and pointed his remote at the floor. He pressed the button, and a Trump face appeared in the floor. "Face-authorized. Access-granted," said the voice, as a hatch opened, and a ladder dropped down. "BoB never want to have to think of Trump's ugly face again," BoB said, as he climbed the latter.

BoB climbed up the ladder, and saw the room. Two walls were a bronze-ish color, and the other two were silver. There were no windows, and there was no sign of anyone living here. There was tons of machinery all around, and a safe in one of the walls. BoB looked over at the safe, and tried to open it with the remote, but nothing happened.

"Hello, public enemy number one. You're trying to steal the most important scientific discovery ever made?" said a voice behind BoB. "Trump! Where'd you come from?" BoB asked. Tump ignored him, and carried on. "Luckily, I have the greatest safe to hold it all. Just the greatest safe. This is one more thing to add to your list of crimes. Your list grows bigly with each minute you spend here. But you don't have that many more minutes, because you're about to be executed, and this time it will work," said Trump, and a Trumpbot grabbed BoB.

BoB Returns to the Future (Part 1)

"Celliri, where'z we going' next?" BoB asked. "We are heading towards the only known cube planet in the universe," Celliri said. "Iz dat where da next scape pod pice iz?" BoB asked. "Yes. Many of them all appear to be gathered in one location on this planet," Celliri said, as the wheezing noise started. "BoB, you'll need a space suit to go out on that planet, there's absolutely no atmosphere," Celliri said, and BoB ran off. As the wheezing stopped, BoB walked back into the control room wearing a spacesuit. BoB opened the door, and stepped out onto the planet. Under BoB, the planet was made entirely of metal. "Celliri, iz da whole planet like dis? Made out of metal?" BoB asked. "Yes. The most recent reports indicate this planet consists of entirely this material. This metal is resistant to any sort of scanning, so it is unknown if the whole planet is metal all the way through, or if it's just the surface," Celliri said. BoB continued to walk, until he looked at the ground.

"Celliri, does anyone live on dis planet?" BoB asked. "Unknown. No life signs detected, but if their homes were made out of the same metal that makes up this planet, they would be impossible to scan," Celliri said. "So den, why iz dare deez weird groves on da surface?" BoB asked, and bent down to examine them. They seemed slightly curved, and seemed to curve towards where the escape pod was. BoB continued walking, and came to a huge groove, a huge circle around where BoB had landed his escape pod. "Celliri, wuz we forced to land here? Because dis spot seems to coincidentul fur us to just land here," BoB said. "We landed here with no sign of outside interference," Celliri said. The ground under BoB started rumbling, and BoB started to run back to his escape pod. "Celliri, watz going on?" BoB asked. "Some form of technology is opening underneath us," Celliri said, as the metal groves started splitting apart. "So dis is sum sort uv space hatch thingy dat's gonna open?" BoB asked. "Not going to. It's already opening," Celliri said, as the hatch opened completely, with BoB and the escape pod falling through.

BoB was falling through the sky, with his escape pod still a couple hundred feet away, spinning wildly. BoB angled towards it, and tried to grab the door handle. He managed to grab it, and pulled himself towards the door. He put his feet on the edges, and pulled the door open. BoB grabbed the inside of the door frame, and pulled himself through. "Celliri, why BoB able to stay on da floor in hear?" BoB asked as he pulled the door shut. "It's because the interior is in another dimension, and because of artificial gravity. But if the system breaks, we'll go spinning out of control in here," Celliri said. BoB grabbed the joystick to pilot the escape pod, but it wouldn't work. There was a crash, and the whole control room shook. BoB opened the door,but gravity pushed him back into his escape pod. BoB grabbed on to the outside, and pulled himself up. He saw his escape pod had landed lying down, but still intact. BoB closed the door, and dematerialized the escape pod, rematerializing it standing up.

BoB walked out without the space suit helmet, and looked around. "Celliri, dis place look highly familiar. Where and when is we?" BoB asked. "Unknown. Those systems are currently malfunctioning after the crash landing," Celliri said. BoB looked around at the neighborhood. It had a bunch of different styles of houses. There was a normal, modern house, there was a futuristic floating house, and an old castle tower, all right next to each other. "Dis place looks very familiar, but BoB'z never been hear befour," BoB said. BoB walked off, and started looking for anything he might recognize. "Celliri, how far iz it to da scape pod pieces?" BoB asked. "It's not to far, but it would probably be easier to materialize there. Unfortunately, we can not dematerialize until all systems are fixed," Celliri said. "Ya do dat, and BoB'll figure out where it iz we landed," BoB said.

BoB continued to walk, but all he saw was more random houses. BoB saw a person up ahead, and ran up to talk to them. "Hello? BoB just need a minute to ask bout where it iz dat BoB iz," BoB said, but the person continued walking, without even looking at BoB. "Celliri, why dey act like dey can't hear BoB?" BoB asked. "We might have some form of fault in the systems, where while you are here, they can't see or hear you," Celliri said. BoB jumped in front of the person, and started jumping up and down. The person jumped back, and walked around BoB, giving him a nasty look. "Nope, definitely can see BoB," BoB said.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a house flicker for a second, but when he looked at it, it was the same as before. BoB noticed a flicker in the sky, and looked up at it to. "Wait a minute. Celliri, watz da weather like?" BoB asked. "The weather is clear, at-" "No. It'z not clear. it'z startin to get rainy," BoB said. "Impossible. All the atmosphere measuring instruments remain undamaged," Celliri said. "Dat wat BoB thought," BoB said, pulling the remote out of one of the space suit pockets. He pointed it at the sky, and pressed the button. The clouds flickered, and disappeared.

"Holograms, people who can't hear BoB... dis iz very familiar. Let'z see, BoB wuz hear last before da scape pod blew up, and before the interior changed, so it must have been... oh no," BoB said. BoB pointed his remote at one of the houses, and pressed the button. The hologram flickered away, and a large metal cylinder was standing there. "It iz. Celliri, do ya know wat year it is yet?" BoB asked.

"That information has been recovered. It is October 22nd, 2516, and you are on Earth," Celliri said. "Dat mean BoB'z..." "Wanted. Most-Wanted. Just-The-Most-Wanted." "No, actually, BoB wuz goin to say one year after when BoB got hear in dat DeLorean, Trump controlled da planet with hiz army of Tumpbots, and den BoB robbed the 7458th National Tumpbank. Wait, Trumpbotz? Oh," BoB said, and turned around. He saw five Trumpbots holding guns at his head. "You-Have-Admitted-Guilt," said one Trumpbot. "You-Will-Now-Be-Executed. But-Do-Not-Worry. It-Will-Be-The-Greatest-Execution. Just-The-Greatest."

 

To be continued...

The Power Plant - Part 3

BoB walked back to the elevator, and pressed the button. The elevator shook as it rose up, and the doors opened. BoB put the spacesuit back where he had found it, and got in the other elevator. As the doors closed, a bell sounded. "Celliri, wat wuz dat?" BoB asked into his smart watch. "That was the lunch bell. It's now lunch hour," Celliri said. "Wat floor wood dat be den?" BoB asked. "Try floor three," said Celliri. BoB pressed floor three, and the elevator shot up. The doors opened, and BoB saw the huge cafeteria. As BoB got in the line, the elevator doors opened, and more people came flooding out. When BoB got to the front of the line, he was handed a tray with food on it. BoB sat down at one of the tables, and examined the food.

"Celliri, wat iz dis stuff?" BoB asked. "It appears to be a salad, macaroni and mayo-" "Did ya say macaroni and mayo? Ew, BoBz not eating dat," BoB said.  "It's what they eat in the future," Celliri said. BoB took a bite of the macaroni and mayo, and immediately spit it back out, all across the cafeteria floor.  "BoB, everyone's staring at you." "Dat'z normal," said BoB, as he got up and threw the rest of it away. "BoB, you could have at least eaten the salad," Celliri said, as BoB looked around. "BoB doezn't like salad. Anyway, BoB have an apple for later if BoB'z hungry," BoB said, and pulled something out of his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. He looked down, and saw it was a pineapple. "Well, kind of an apple anyway."

BoB saw someone sitting down, who wasn't dressed like anyone else. "Hello dare, BoB routine knowledge check. BoB'z probably late. Or right on time, BoB'z not sure any more," BoB said, sitting down next to them. "Routine knowledge check? What's that?" the person asked. "Dat's where BoB asks ya question, and ya answer," BoB said. "Oh right, one of those." "Now first question: Yer not dressed like any of da miners, or da scientists. Who are ya?" BoB asked. "I'm in charge of health and safety here, making sure nobody gets hurt." "Okay, next question den: how far iz we from earth?" "We're not even in the same solar system," the health and safety inspector said. "Right, but if ya were to take the ship dat brough ya here back, how long would it take ta get back?" BoB asked. "It would take at least a couple of months to get back." "Den how do ya get the budilight rocks back home?" BoB asked. "Every week, we teleport it back. In fact, we're doing it today." "And now, for BoB's last question, where would BoB find everyone's records?" BoB asked. "It would be on the 18th floor, but you'll need a key to get in." "Tanks! BoB'll be going to the 18th floor den," BoB said, getting up. BoB ran into the elevator, and hit the button for the 18th floor.

"Celliri, wat doez dat remote BoB picked up earlier do?" BoB asked. "Scans indicate it is used for a multitude of functions, including lock picking, laser cutting, and it also has access to the teleport systems of this facility," Celliri said. The doors opened on the 18th floor, and BoB walked down the hallway. BoB came to a door, and scanned his card. The door opened, and BoB saw tons of file cabinets lining every wall. BoB found the one labeled H-K, and started looking around for a file labeled "health and safety." "Aha!" BoB yelled, as he found the file. BoB opened it, and started reading it out loud. "Health and safety inspector: John Smith? Well, dat don't seem right." "John Smith is a very common name, BoB," Celliri said. "Dat's da problem. It so common, yet nobody'z actually named dat. It'z just wat people use wen dey want to be secret. Celliri, do ya have a picture of dat guys face?" BoB asked. "Yes. Both his face and voice pattern have been saved to the databases," answered Celliri. "Good. Search it, see who dat guy iz," BoB said. BoB's smart watch started flashing with images as it searched for any match, and finally a page appeared. "Oh no. Dat iz very extremely bad and not good," BoB said. A voice came on over a loud speaker. "Attention everyone. Please report to the 20th floor for weekly budilite transport."

"Celliri, how long does dis base have before it goes boom?" "There's thirty minutes left until this base explodes," Celliri said. "BoB better hurry den," BoB said, as he rushed to the door. BoB scanned his card, but nothing happened. "Someone'z locked BoB in!" BoB yelled. "BoB, you have that remote, just point that remote at the door and push the power button! It will automatically use whichever setting is best." BoB pulled out the remote, and pointed it at the door. The door unlocked, and BoB ran to the elevator. BoB pounded on the floor 20 button, and the elevator flew up. BoB rushed out the doors, and to the end of the hall. BoB used the remote, and the door swung open. Inside the room was a huge circular room, half the size of a football stadium, with tiers of seats leading down to the floor. On the furthest end of the room was a metal plate, with some sort of laser pointed at it, and tons of mine carts lined up. "Attention everyone!" BoB yelled. The room was so huge, nobody heard him. "Celliri, can da remote mess up their speakerz?" BoB asked. "As long as it's pointed at a speaker, just press the button, and use it like a microphone," Celliri said. BoB pressed the button, and spoke into the remote like it was a microphone.

"Attention everyone! Dis place must be evacuated immediately!" He shouted, and everyone turned to look at him as he walked down the tiers of seats. "If BoB prediction iz correct, and it iz, becauze BoB'z been there, dis whole place is about to blow up in, well, now it's about twenty minutes. BoB know exactly who responsible fur dis, so if ya see him, don't let him get away!" BoB yelled. "Celliri, open that page ya had up before, and project it onto da wall," BoB said, holding the remote away so nobody could hear him. The page appeared on the wall. "Now, look at dat page. Dat person right dare iz yer health and safety inspector, right? Well, he's actually head of a company, which iz in deals to buy almost every transportation business. Buses, cars, trucks, spaceships, everything. If everyone got teleporterz, he'd go out of business, so he came here ta ruin everythin. If ya see him, grab him, make sure he can't get away!" BoB yelled, as the whole building shook. Right next to BoB, someone ran past. "Dat's him! Get him!" BoB yelled, and someone grabbed him. 

"Open the teleport and get everyone out of here!" BoB yelled. The device pointed at the metal plate started to glow, and then shot out a beam. On the metal plate, a portal opened, and through it, BoB could see a factory. "Just step through dat portal dare, den yer safe!" BoB said, and everyone started running. "Wait a minute!" BoB yelled through the speakers. "If everyone's running towards da portal, who's holding the evil guy?" BoB said. BoB saw the person impersonating a health and safety inspector running towards the portal, and ran to grab him. BoB grabbed him just feet away from the portal, as everyone else ran through. "Now, BoB'z got somewhere fur ya to go," BoB said, and pointed the remote at the portal. He pressed the button, and the view changed to a jail cell. BoB pushed him through, and saw two cops on the other side. "Oh, don't mind BoB, BoB just put dis guy in here fur now. He'z blowing up da budilite mining facility on planet... BoB don't know the name actually. Da point iz, he'z blowing something up, and you'll probably see it on the news in about..." BoB checked his watch. "Fifteen minutes. Oh, dat means BoB only have fifteen minutes to get out of here. Bye!" BoB said, closing the portal.

BoB ran to the elevator, and pressed the button for floor four. The elevator doors opened, and BoB ran to his escape pod. He opened the door, and rushed inside. "BoB, whatever you do, don't pull that dematerialization lever," Celliri said, as BoB pulled the dematerialization lever. "Oops." "BoB, flip the green switch. It'll stall us dematerializing. You haven't carved the message into the wall yet, and if we leave, we'll cause another paradox," Celliri said. BoB flipped the green switch, and instead of the normal wheezing sound, it sounded like a car engine stuttering. BoB rushed outside, got in the elevator, and pressed floor 3, where the remote was held in the forcefield. BoB got his remote ready, and as soon as the doors opened, pressed the button. The forcefield disappeared, and BoB grabbed the other remote.

"BoB, it's very important to remember which remote is which. If you put the one that you've been carrying around this whole time away, then that will cause a paradox." "Yeah, BoB'z holding da remote BoB just grabbed in BoB'z left hand," BoB said, as he pressed the floor four button on the elevator. "Or wuz it BoB'z right?" BoB said as the doors opened. "Let'z see, how wuz it when BoB found it? Uh... It wus in.. dat cabinet! Yes!" BoB yelled, as he ran to the cabinet on the wall behind his escape pod. BoB opened it, and found a couple pieces of his old escape pod in there. "Oh, so dat why we wuz here in da first place," BoB said, as the took them out, and put the one remote in. "Now wat Celliri?" BoB asked. "You need to do the coordinates! Use the laser cutter on the remote!" Celliri yelled. "BoB, the stalling won't work much longer. The engine's will get to full power, and then the whole escape pod will disappear," Celliri said, as BoB cut the numbers into the wall. "Done!" BoB yelled. He picked up the escape pod prices, jumped into his escape pod, and shut the door. He heard a boom, and a screeching sound as his escape pod dematerialized instantly. "Dat wuz close. Now, where next?" BoB asked himself.

The Power Plant - Part 2

BoB's escape pod materialized in the room against the wall, six hours earlier, and ten feet to the left. "Celliri, iz we dare?" BoB asked. "Yes. We have arrived at our destination," Celliri said. BoB swung the door open, and looked around. He saw the forcefield in the center of the room, and walked towards it. Inside was the remote BoB had picked up earlier. "Who are you?" said someone, pressing a gun to BoB's back. "Oh, can ya pleaze not point dat thing at BoB?" BoB said, and turned towards the person pointing the weapon at him. "Peeplez point gun at BoB all da time, itz gettin really old. At least put sum veriety in yer threat! Dare'z been spears pointed at BoB occasionally to, but never something interestin," BoB said. "Why can't sumone put a mace in front uv BoB'z face? Or maybe an ax? How about a bow an arrow? Maybe sumone could try a catapult? Actully no, BoB doezn't need a catapult, dat to big. Maybe dey could have a little tiny pocket catapult? Oh, dat a good idea, BoB should suggest dat to sumone when BoB'z bein' threatened. Doez ya have a pocket catapult by any chance?" "Enough of your blabbering!" yelled the guard. "Who are you, and how'd you get into a top secret vault in the middle of space?" The guard asked. "BoB'z very important, ya better not shoot BoB, or yer boss will be mad with ya," BoB said. "We'll see about that. I'm going to take you to him for questioning, and we'll see if he even knows who you are," said the guard. "Oh, good!" BoB said. "Take BoB to yer leader then," BoB said as the guard led him out of the room, and into an elevator.

"Twenty seven floorz? Dis iz a big place, especially fur being underground," BoB said, looking at the buttons in the elevator. The guard pressed the button for the 27th floor, and the elevator rose very quickly, knocking BoB to the ground. BoB got back up, and was led out the doors by the guard. The room around BoB was the same hexagon shape as the one BoB had just left, but much larger. The walls were made of gold and silver, and the carpet seemed to be made out of a strange alien animal BoB hadn't seen before.  In the center of the room was a desk, also made of solid gold, and a chair, turned backwards. "Sir, we captured this intruder on floor four," said the guard. The person in the chair turned around, and looked familiar to BoB. "Ya know, ya look kinda like Trump if he got his fat butt in shape, and wuz much younger," BoB said. The person was dressed in a suit, and had an obviously fake orange tan, and was wearing a live cat on his head. "It is for intergalactic Trump Worship Day, where everyone over a certain net worth must try their hardest to look like emperor Trump. Now, who are you, intruder?" the person asked.

"Dis iz BoB, on very important secret business. BoB'z a, uh..." BoB looked around the room, and saw a poster on one of the walls. "Professional sign inspector! And BoB iz very secretly under cover, see? BoB can't have anyone know dare a sign inspector running around, inspectin all their signs to make sure dey up with sign standards, or dey might tamper with da signs. Den BoB couldn't inspect da signs properly, ya see?" BoB said. "Professional sign inspector? I've never even heard of that," said the person. "Datz why it a secret," BoB said. "Can I see some form of identification then, Mr. Sign Inspector?" "BoB can't carry identificationz, or else somone might find out BoB iz a professional sign inspector, see?" BoB said. "That makes sense to me. Now, do you need anyone to escort you around to inspect all these signs, Mr. BoB?" asked the person. "No, dat would make da whole secret bit uv BoB'z job pointless. But ya could make sure BoB can go anywhere in here without guards annoying' BoB?" BoB asked. "Sure, just take this pass," said the person, handing BoB a shiny card. "Tanks!" BoB said, and got into the elevator.

BoB pressed a random button, and the elevator went down quickly, knocking BoB to the floor again. The doors opened, and there was a sign, saying "Floor 15: Science & Planning." BoB walked down a hallway until it split into two paths. BoB chose the path on the left, and kept going until he came to a door. It had no door handle, but instead had a place to insert a card. BoB put the shiny card he got from upstairs in the slot, then took it back out again. The door rose up, and BoB walked inside a huge room. It had rows of desks, descending like bleachers, and the furthest end of the room was taken up by a giant floor to ceiling monitor. BoB saw a person walking past, so he walked up and started talking.

"Hello Mr. Scientist. BoB'z just doing a routine knowledge check, so BoB'll need to ask ya a couple questionz to make sure ya know wat yer doing here," BoB said. "First question: What'z da purpose uv a twnty seven floor building under ground?" BoB asked. "This place is a mining facility, built to obtain... wait, routine knowledge check?" said the scientist. "Yup, routine knowledge check. It'z a new policy, see," BoB answered. "What do you mean new? We've had this ever since this place has been up and running. In fact, we just had one two days ago," the scientist said. "Oh. Well, itz an old policy, but dis onez a surprise knowledge check, so nobody can just study da questions before hand. Now, second question: Wat iz ya mining down here?" BoB asked. "We're mining for budilite, a very rare material on earth, but very common on this new planet," said the scientist. "Third question: Budilite? Who named dis? Did dey get sued? "It's called budilite because the person who discovered it was very drunk, and thought it would be funny." "Fourth Question: Wat does budilite do?"  "It provides a new form of energy, that no other known material is able to produce. The energy is used to make teleporters work, but since there's not much budilite on earth, it's very expensive, and teleporters are only for the very rich at the moment. If we can start mining the budilite here, hopefully teleporters can become cheap enough for everyone to afford one."

"Tanks fur yer time, now, can ya direct BoB to da minerz?" BoB asked. "Just go to floor one, and then use the special elevator to get down into the mines. Just make sure you put on one of the space suits that are in the hall, you need it before you go into the mines," said the scientist. "Bye den," BoB said, and walked away. The door rose automatically, and BoB went back to the elevator. BoB hit floor 1, and fell over as it descended. BoB got out, into a rocky dome, with only the floor being covered by metal. Across from him was an elevator, and space suits hanging on the wall. BoB put a space suit on, and got in the elevator. He hit the only button in the elevator, and it went down into the mines. 

The doors opened, and BoB saw a very large tunnel, where the sides seemed to be made of a light blue crystal, and they glowed a blueish green color. On the floor, a light purple fog floated. When BoB walked, it got swept around. "Hello, iz anyone dare?" BoB asked. "BoB, you need to turn your radio on," said Celliri. "Celliri, how iz ya talkin to BoB if da radio izn't on?" BoB asked. "It's the smart watch you're wearing BoB. It automatically connects to most speakers in most futuristic space suits. To turn the radio on, press the button on the side of your helmet," Celliri said. BoB pressed the button, and called out again. "Iz anyone dare?" BoB asked, as he kept walking through the tunnel. He saw a group of people up ahead, and walked up to them. BoB tapped one of them on the shoulder, so they turned around, and turned on their radio.

"Scuze BoB, do ya have time for a routine knowledge check? Ya just had one two days ago, but itz a new policy to have a surprise one," BoB said. "No, it's time for a routine knowledge check, the last one was two days late," said the miner. "Oh, right, dat wuz just, uh, a test to see if ya pay attention. Now, first question den: how long has dis mining expedition gone on, and when will ya leave?" BoB asked."It's been a couple months since it started, and we plan to leave when this area of the planet is mined out, then in a couple months we'll build a new base on the other side, and mine that out. We're supposed to keep doing this until the entire planet is mined out," the miner said. "Now, second question: how much of dis stuff doez ya mine a day?" BoB asked. "We can get about ten carts a day worth of budilite mined, but..." "But wat?" BoB asked. "Sometimes it seems to disappear. Like yesterday, we mined nine carts full, but when we put it on the upper floors, in storage, eight carts of it disappeared. This has gone on ever since we've got here," said the miner. "Oh, so somone'z stealin dis stuff? Well, it can't be to hard to find den, it'z only one location. Yer the only onez one this planet, fight? No alienz, no other minerz?" BoB asked. "No, it's only us," said the miner. "Well, it'z easzy den. BoB'll find yer stealer person, don't worry. Really, how hard could it be?"

 

To be continued...

The Power Plant - Part 1

A wheezing noise started, and a red phone box appeared on the rubble covered surface of the planet. The sound stopped, and the door swung open. "Celliri, ya sure dis da place?" BoB asked, looking over the rubble. A breeze blew over the rubble, and lots of dust flew off into the wind. "Yes BoB, the escape pod piece should be in this general area," Celliri said. BoB shut the door behind him, and started walking away from the escape pod. In just a couple of minutes, he was at a huge hole in the ground. "Well, BoB not gettin down dat," BoB said, and walked back to the escape pod. 

"Celliri, how deep iz dat hole?" BoB asked once he was back in his escape pod. "It's miles deep BoB. We don't even have enough rope to get down there," Celliri said. "But BoB can fly!" BoB said, and got out the joystick. The escape pod lifted off the ground, and BoB pushed forwards on the joystick. BoB got to the edge of the hole, and they started descending. The monitor on the wall opened up, and the exterior of the escape pod light up. "Danger, BoB. We can not go any deeper. We are getting to close to the planet's core, which is giving off some strange energy, interfering with the equipment," Celliri said. BoB made the escape pod ascend a little, and looked around. He saw a tunnel in the side of the hole, and flew inside of it. The tunnel got narrower and narrower, until it opened into a large metal hexagonal room. BoB landed his escape pod, and opened the door. The room was covered with large chunks of stone debris, and dust covered the metal floor. In the center of the room was a small metal structure in the shape of a pyramid, with a wire  on each side, pointing up. BoB flipped a switch on the side of it, and a blue bubble of energy appeared above it, then flickered away.

"Wat iz dat, Celliri?" BoB asked. "It is some form of force field generator. It must have been guarding something inside of the force field," Celliri said. "So it wuz a safe den?" BoB asked. "It would appear so," Celliri said. "Den sumthin important must uv been hear," BoB muttered to himself. BoB looked at the wall opposite him, and saw there was a huge chunk of concrete in front of it. BoB pulled as hard as he could, and the concrete tipped over. Behind it, BoB saw an elevator shaft, with its doors stuck open. BoB poked his head inside, and looked down. Below him was the elevator, crumpled into a heap. One floor above BoB, the doors of the elevator shaft were also open. BoB walked back to his escape pod, and took off. He flew into the elevator shaft, and rose up, until he could get out the other doors. BoB landed his escape pod, and stepped out.

The walls were blackened by ash, as was the floor. Nothing else was in this room, just a cabinet that had fallen off the wall. BoB looked around, and saw something in the ash on the wall. He walked over to it. There was the outline of his escape pod in a clean section of wall, as if it had blocked ash from touching the wall behind it. Chiseled into the clean section of wall were numbers, and a message. The words "take it",  and and an arrow pointing down towards another cabinet. BoB opened it, and inside was a TV remote. "If ya say so, strange wall message," BoB said, and walked back into his escape pod. "Celliri, wat are doze number on dat wall?" BoB asked. "They are coordinates, it seems," Celliri said. "Where will dey take BoB?" BoB asked. "Back in time by about six hours, and move us ten feet to the left," Celliri said. "Exactly where dat scape pod outline iz. Like BoB thought. Celliri, any idea how long itz been since whatever destroyed dis place occurred?" BoB asked. "Running calculations... An explosion large enough to destroy an entire facility of this size, at the current temperature it's at, the explosion must have happened approximately... two hours ago, give or take a couple of minutes," Celliri said.

"Den dat mean BoB have bout four hourz to find da scape pod piece before wat ever explosion happenez, and destroy da entire place," BoB said, and pulled the dematerialization lever. "Celliri, to doze coordinates! Wez got four hours ta get a scape pod piece before everythin go boom!" BoB said, and the column started rising.

 

To be continued...

BoB Causes a Time Distortion

As BoB's escape pod flew through the paradox, sparks flew out of the control panel, and the lights turned off for a second. "Celliri, wat happenin?" BoB asked as the lights turned back on. "We are nearing the end of the paradox. As we get nearer to the end, it becomes more dangerous to fly through here," Celliri said. BoB looked out the door, and saw that there was black lightning shooting out the sides of the tunnel. "BoB, take the controls, and don't let that lightning touch us. If it does, the systems will be overloaded, and we won't be able to land," Celliri said. BoB grabbed the joystick, and pushed forwards on it. BoB dodged lightning blasts, but up ahead, the tunnel of energy started to warp. "Celliri, iz dat da exit?" BoB asked. There was a loud ripping sound, and a gap of purple energy started to appear in the walls. "BoB, keep flying straight, and don't stop," Celliri said. BoB pushed the joystick completely forwards, and they shot off. BoB flew over the widening gap, but it seemed to start pulling them in. "BoB, press the turbo booster!" Celliri said, and BoB pressed a button. They moved forwards slowly, but then they were being sucked slowly backwards again into the purple energy. The escape pod shook, and the column started to rise and fall because they were landing.

"Celliri, wat iz dat purple stuff?" BoB asked. "That is time being disrupted. Two points in time somehow collided with each other, and disrupted time. The place we are now and the other point in time that touch are bound together. At any time out there, you could be transported to the other point in time. It can only happen a certain number of times, so you have to be fast in getting the escape pod piece, or you'll be stranded away from the escape pod," Celliri said. "But woodunt whoever lives here get teleported to?" BoB asked. "No BoB. You've traveled here in time, so you're the only one that will be affected," Celliri said. "But woodunt da scape pod be teleported to? Why BoB need to be fast about it?" BoB asked. "The escape pod is a time machine. Once it lands, it will stay in that time until it takes off again. That's why you have to be fast, or you'll be stranded in whatever other time, with no way to escape," Celliri said. "Right. Dat not good," BoB said, and walked towards the door.

BoB opened the door, and saw a castle,with guards patrolling it. "Well, BoB in medieval timez den," BoB said. BoB felt something very sharp poke into his back. "What are you doing here?" said a voice from behind BoB. "Oh, hi there Mr. Voice With Pokey Things Poking BoB," BoB said. "BoB just came here becuz BoB's scape pod crashed here, and BoB needs to get BoB's time machine piece back, which your castle probably has, and, uh... Ya have no idea what BoB sayin, right?" "You responsible for this magically appearing box of witchcraft?" The voice asked. "No. It a time machine, see, and it bring BoB here... ya probably think BoB iz crazy don't ya?" BoB said. "Yes. Any connection to the portal in the sky then?" Asked the voice. BoB looked up, and saw a huge gap in the sky, like someone ripped the sky open. Inside was the orange energy of the paradox, but it was slowly being turned purple. "No, BoB actually haz no relatiun too dat." "Right. Nice try," said the voice, and BoB was poked in the back. "Get going," the voice said. "Where BoB going?" BoB asked. "To the dungeon with you, witch." "Of course. Ya know, BoBz alwayz in dungonz. It da first thing people say to BoB. 'Hello!' 'To da dungeon with ya!' Iz dis a common occurrence for people?" BoB asked, as he was led away. 

BoB was led over a drawbridge and through a garden, before going down some stairs and into a cell.

The guard who had led BoB here locked the cell, and started to walk off. "Hey, wen BoB gettin out here? Don't BoB get a trial?" BoB asked. "You get tossed in  a barrel, and thrown in a river. If you sink, you aren't a witch, and if you float, you get burned at the stake," said the guard. "Dat no exactly fair dough, iz it? BoB either burns or drownz? Dat not very good optionz," BoB said as the guard walked away. "Celliri, how BoB get outta here?" BoB asked. "You wait," said Celliri from BoB's watch. "Dat helpful," BoB said. Around BoB, the air seemed to shake, and everything started dimming, until everything was black. BoB started to fall, and colors started to swirl around him in the dark. Color started to come back, and BoB slowly stopped falling. BoB looked around, and saw he was still in the cell. "Celliri, wat happen?" BoB asked. "You passed through a time disruption. You are now four hundred years in the future, on the other end of the time disruption," Celliri said. BoB kicked at the rusted bars in the cell, and they fell out with a clang. "Ha! BoB free!" BoB yelled. BoB ran up the stairs he was led down, and came out in the courtyard, where all the grass was withered and brown. "Celliri, wherez da scape pod piece?" BoB asked. "In the highest tower," Celliri said. "Course  it iz," BoB said. BoB walked across the courtyard, and into the entrance of the castle.

BoB started walking down the vine covered hallway, and saw a broken spiraling staircase. Suddenly, everything tuned black again, and BoB started falling. When color returned, the staircase was repaired in front of BoB. "BoB back now, right?" BoB asked. "Yes. you went through another time disruption," Celliri said. "Uh oh. Sumone comin," BoB said. BoB heard footsteps behind him, and ran up the stairs. A guard jumped out in front of him, and sun his sword. "STOP! BoB have weapon to!" BoB yelled, and pulled out the first thing he could from his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. BoB looked, and saw it was a banana. "Oh. Never mind den," BoB said. "Banana? It very fresh. It haven't even been planted yet actually! It planted couple hundred years in da future, so it real fresh," BoB said, and peeled the banana.  BoB ate the banana, and threw the peel at the guard's face. "IT AN ALIEN! IT EAT YER FACE! RUN!" BoB yelled, and pushed the guard down the stairs. BoB continued running up the stairs. When he got to the top, he kicked the door open, and saw the room was empty.

"Celliri, wat happen?" BoB asked. "You are in the wrong tower BoB. You took a wrong turn," Celliri said. "Wear iz da thing den?" BoB asked. "It is in the dining hall." "Why it go dare?" BoB asked. "Because it is. The only reason it is in the tallest tower is because sometime between now and 400 years in the future, someone put it there, and must have forgot about it," Celliri said. BoB ran down the stairs, ran down a hall, and found two huge wooden double doors. "Iz dis da place Celliri?" BoB asked. "Yes BoB. It seems there are people in there though, so watch out when you go-" Celiri said, as BoB swung the doors open. "-In." BoB saw everyone was looking at him. "Hello! Dis BoB! BoB just here late because BoB'z invatation got here real slow. You know wat ya should have? Email. It great! Much better dan peplez on horsez! Anyway, BoB wuz totally invited, so ya can all go back to eating!" BoB said, and tried to find a seat. BoB saw a space next to two people, and squeezed in. "Hi. How it goin?" BoB asked. Both the people sitting next to BoB got up and left. "Good! More room for BoB den!" BoB yelled.

"Hey, buddy, could ya pass dat turkey?" BoB asked the person sitting next to him. BoB grabbed the entire turkey, and started chewing on it. "Dis chicken isn't bad fur something not metal," BoB said. "Ya know wat dey should be servin here? Nutz. Not walnutz, but da metal kind. Doze good. Specially if dey gold. Gold iz da tastiest. Da king could probably ford gold, right?" The person BoB was talking to got up and left. BoB scooted closer to the person sitting on the other side of him, and started talking. That person left, too. BoB kept scooting over and talking to everyone, but they all kept leaving. Eventually, BoB got to the last person sitting next to him. "Hey, wat dis feast for even?" BoB asked. "It's for the enchanted artifact we found today. The king says it will bring good luck," the person said. "So if BoB come here in a time machine, it witchcraft, but if da king find somethin, it enchanted? Guess peoplez with power always could be hippocritz den," BoB said. He looked over, and saw the person he was sitting next to was gone.

BoB ate everything at the table, since there was nobody else there to eat it. Suddenly, the king stood up, and started talking. "Today, we had this feast to celebrate the finding of this enchanted artifact. It will surely bring us good luck, and lots of gold! And now, here it is," The king said, and lifted up a glowing piece of red wood. "HEY! Dat BoB'z scape pod piece!" BoB said, standing on the table. "No, it is an enchanted artifact of good luck!" said the king. "Dat doezn't mean it not BoB'z. Plus why it enchanted den?" BoB asked. "Well, it's enchanted because it's all... glowey?" the king said. "So anythin dat gloez iz enchanted den? Dat enough fur you? Cuz den flashlightz iz enchanted too, right? Never mind don't answer dat. Ya haven't seen flashlightz yet, have ya? Anyway, can BoB have BoB'z scape pod piece back pleeze?" BoB said. "No, you may not! It is my property, because I found it," said the king. BoB jumped off the table, and grabbed the escape pod piece out of the kings hand. BoB noticed a lot of guards with crossbows pointed at him.

"Oh, BoB not supposed to do dat?" BoB said. "Freeze, or you get shot!" said one guard. "Ya couldn't shoot some magical BoB dough, could ya?" BoB asked, as he grabbed a flashlight out of one of his pockets, and shined it at himself. One of the guards crossbow bolts just barely missed him. "Oh, come on! A second ago glowed thingz wuz magical!" BoB said as he ran out a side exit. BoB kept running, until he got to another staircase. He ran up it, but saw a guard. "Oh, hi, dare no need to attack BoB," BoB said to the guard. "BoB have permission to be here frum da king. Smappy BoB: Professional Castle Inspector here. Let BoB get BoB'z card..." BoB said, reaching in his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. BoB suddenly pushed the guard down the stairs, and kept running. Everything started to go black, and BoB started to fall again.

"Oh, dat actually a good time fur dat to happen," BoB said. "Celliri, iz dis da tallest tower?" BoB asked. "Yes BoB. It is. And the good news is, there is no escape pod piece detected here," Celliri said. "Why dat good?" BoB asked. "Because that means you got the escape pod piece, and we can get out of here," Celliri said. BoB walked slowly to the top of the tower, catching his breath. He opened the door at the top of the staircase, and saw an almost empty room, with a couple of stones missing from the floor. BoB hopped over the gaps, and looked out the window, which was just a hole in the wall with bars surrounding it, no glass at all.

He saw it was a long way down. "Celliri, BoB stuck up here, right?" BoB asked. "Yes BoB. The guards will come up those stairs, and you'll be trapped in this room," Celliri said. "Doez BoB have enough time to get back down the stairz?" BoB asked. "No BoB. The next time disruption will occur in forty-five seconds," Celliri said. BoB looked at the window again, and had an idea. He tore off the grate covering the window, and climbed out onto the ledge. "BoB, this is dangerous," Celliri warned. BoB reached inside his smaller-on-the-outside pockets, and pulled out a thin, metallic rope. "BoB, that is the emergency tether from the control room. It is meant to stay there, in case of an emergency where you might have to leave the escape pod, hence the name." "Dis count az a mergencey," BoB said. "Plus, BoB have more in da scape pod anyway, it no dig deal," BoB said, as everything went black, and he started to fall.

BoB looked around, and saw he was back in the past, with the metal bars still covering the window. BoB attached the tether to the bars, and took a picture of himself just as the door opened.

"How'd he get out there?" asked one of the guards. "BoB'z out here, ya can't get BoB!" BoB said. One of the guards pointed their crossbow at BoB. "OH, ya can. But not now!" BoB said, as he backed out off the ledge.

Luckily for BoB, the ledge was so large, the guards couldn't stick their crossbows out far enough to hit him. The rope pulled back on BoB as it reached its full length, and BoB dangled ten feet off the ground. Below BoB was a muddy circle, which looked like he could use it as padding. BoB cut himself loose, and fell right through the mud, into a pit below.

"Ooh, nice idea fur a trap," BoB said. Everything started to black again, and BoB fell. "Oh, dat wuz fast," BoB said as he fell though time in the void. 

"Celliri, dat not take long at all befoure BoB wuz falling through time," BoB said. "No BoB. That's bad. The gap in time is healing itself, and the time disruptions are getting closer together. Only a few more, and the gap will be fully healed, and you'll be stuck in whatever time. You have to hurry BoB," Celliri said. "Thanks Celliri, dat helful." BoB reached around in his pockets, and found a grappling hook. "Why BoB carry grappling hookz?" BoB asked himself. "Well, guess it a good thin BoB does," BoB said as he shot it off. He climbed the rope, and pulled it up after him, sticking it back in his pocket. "BoB, quick, go! Get out of here!" Celliri said, and BoB ran off. BoB got to the front gate, and ran off, only to find the drawbridge was rotted and unusable. BoB waited a couple of seconds, and started to fall again. "Well, dat one way ta do it," BoB said as color started to return.

BoB ran across the drawbridge, and towards his escape pod. "BoB, systems indicate there will only be one more time distortion," Celliri said. "So BoB'll be stranded in the future den?" BoB asked, running at top speed. "Yes BoB. You have to get into the escape pod, then you'll be safe. You have less than thirty seconds to get there though BoB." "BOB SEEZ IT! UNLOCK DA SCAPE POD DOOR CELLIRI!" BoB said, almost there. BoB grabbed a hold of the door handle, and everything flickered for a second.

"Oh no," BoB said, as he saw the dust covered control room. He looked outside, and saw nobody chasing him. "No no no no no," BoB said, running his hand over the dust covered control panel. BoB walked outside, and saw the same rip in the sky as there was four hundred years in the past. "Oh, you think yer funny?" BoB yelled up into the tear in the sky.  out here, "Ya think yer funny, time? Distortin', teleport BoB away at the last possible second, stranding BoB fourhundred years away from everything? Well yer not. BoB won't be stayin here fur much longer, thank ya very much, time," BoB said, and walked into his escape pod. He pulled the dematerialization lever, and the central column rose. The lights on the walls turned on, very dimly, but flickered off again; the column fell, and nothing happened. 

"So ya think ya can do this to BoB, time?" BoB yelled into the rip in the sky. Thunder came echoing out from the gap. "Ya can't!" BoB said, running back into his escape pod. BoB opened a secret panel, and got one of the metallic emergency tethers out of it. BoB opened another one, which had a nozzle inside of it. BoB stuck a balloon on it, and tuned it on. "It'z a good thin BoB has dis," BoB said to himself. BoB took the balloon, and tied it. "Good thin BoB has helium, huh time? BoB had dat in dare for if BoB ever need to throw a party, but dat not much use when yer stranded in.. wat, the sixteen hudredz? How ya gonna throw a party den?" BoB asked, now under his control panel, messing with the wires. BoB shut the paneling under the wires, and walked outside. "Ya think BoB want ta be here, four hundred years frum BoB'z time, and from a workin scape pod? Good of ya to make dat decision, time," BoB said, tying the tether around the balloon. "Good thing BoB has an idea den," BoB said, letting the balloon float up. "After all, watz four hundred years wen ya have a time machine? Sure, it not work much now, but it could with just a little more power running through it. Watz four hundred years wen ya have a time machine, a balloon, wire, and a power source..." BoB said. "One right above yer head?" BoB said, as black lightning surged through the wire, and directly into the control panel. BoB dashed inside, and pulled the dematerialization lever.

"Wen ya have a time machine and need to save yerself, da only thin ya need iz an idea, and sum luck!" BoB yelled as the door swung closed. The column rose and fell, stalling. BoB kicked the control panel, and the normal wheezing occurred, louder than normal as the escape pod tried to take off. The lights on the walls flashed, but were barely noticeable because they were so dim. The wheezing stopped, and BoB grabbed the dust covered joystick. BoB steered through the purple energy, lightning blasts grazing the escape pod. One hit the glass door, and cracks appeared in the glass. BoB steered through the tunnel, until he saw a narrow gap ahead. He flew through it, and was in the paradox again. BoB checked the navigation, and pulled the lever. "Dare time! Wat ya think of dat? Four hundred years, traveled by an ancient wooden box! Bob traveled four hundred yearz, all becuz of a balloon, a string, and an idea!" BoB said, as the wheezing ended. The whole room was starting to glow orange and turn hot. BoB ran outside, and saw his old escape pod sitting there. BoB hopped in it, and shut the door. 

"BoB, you got caught in a time distortion! How did you get b- oh no. BoB, we have to get out of here, now," Celliri said. "BoB know, BoB know!" BoB said, and pulled the lever. BoB looked outside, and saw the future escape pod was steaming with purple energy, and paint peeled completely off in some spots. Orange energy started to come out, just like in the paradox. "BoB, you shouldn't have done that. That escape pod will explode in a few seconds, causing another paradox," Celliri said. "Iz dat wat da orange energy iz? Paradox?" BoB asked. "Yes," Said Celliri. The future escape pod was letting off more and more orange energy, and it was steaming up into the sky. The escape pod was blasting out energy, which was all around it. There was a surge of energy, and the future escape pod was gone, and BoB's escape pod disappeared. If it had been there a second longer, BoB would have seen the energy fly into the rift in the sky, and seal it shut.

"BoB, you have caused a paradox," Celliri said. "So? BoB wuz already in a paradox," BoB said. "That's the problem, BoB. We caused a paradox, inside a paradox. This in turn will create another paradox, and so on. We have now crated an infinite tunnel of paradoxes inside each other," Celliri said. "So wat?" BoB said. "And we're about to go right through them," Celliri said as the control room shook. BoB looked out the window, and saw them fly from one tunnel, into another that appeared in the side. They were then yanked into another tunnel on the side of this paradox, and it kept happening. "Wat we gonna do Celliri?" BoB asked. "We can't escape these paradoxes by flying. If we continue to tumble, we'll just be caught here endlessly. But there is one tiny amount of time when we're in between paradoxes, that we might be able to get out of here. Right as we pass through paradoxes, we are basically nowhere. If we dematerialize right then, we might be able to escape these paradoxes." "Okay den, give BoB a countdown," BoB said, grabbing the lever. "Three... two... one..." BoB pulled the lever, and the lights on the walls shone as bright as they could.

"Did we make it?" BoB asked as the lights dimmed again. BoB looked outside, and saw it was the blue energy outside, instead of the paradox. "Yes! Alright Celliri, take BoB to da next scape pod piece!" BoB said, pulling the lever again. 

The Debate (And the Destruction of The Universe)

BoB's escape pod flew through the paradox, as BoB was slammed into the spinning walls. He looked outside the glass door, and saw they were about to hit the side of the tunnel of energy. Suddenly, a vortex opened right where the escape pod was about to hit, and they flew through it, into a tunnel of blue energy. "Wait a minute... dis look like da normal vortex where BoB travel through time! Dez dat mean we out of da paradox?" BoB asked. "Systems indicate a mix of paradox energy contaminating this time stream. We are not free of the paradox yet," Celliri said. The control column started to rise and fall, and the wheezing noise began as the walls started slowly flashing.

"Why iz dis timestreem thing cantanumated?" BoB asked. "It appears we are in a different dimension," Celliri said. "Iz dat bad?" BoB asked. "Not necessarily," Celliri said. "Oh, well dat good." "The bad part is this is not a fully stable universe.  It's an alternate timeline, that just sprang up with no reason, with no events that could have caused this to happen. It's only a few miles wide. Outside of that, nothing exists. In an hour at the most, this dimension will collapse, sending everyone in it back to standard reality, exactly where they were before, convinced it was a dream," Celliri said. "Befour? Befour wat?" BoB asked.

"This dimension just sucked random people in it. Once they return to the normal universe upon this dimension's collapse, they'll have been gone only milliseconds, not even fast enough for anyone around them to notice." "Why can't BoB just take off again den?" BoB asked. "There is a piece of the former escape pod exterior in this dimension," Celliri said. "Wat? But dat impossible! Ya just said dis dimension wuz only formed a few minutes ago!" BoB said. "Yes. It is impossible. That's why we got here from a paradox," Celliri said. "Wear iz dis scape pod piece? It can't be to far away, if da dimension is so small," BoB said. "It appears to be right outside the door," Celliri said. BoB walked over to the door, and opened it. He found a letter, but no escape pod piece. BoB started to read the letter.

"Dear BoB,

You are an idiot great person, just a great person.

How ever, i hate your guts, and want to kill you. You made me look like an idiot the last time we had a debate. I obviously couldn't be an idiot, ever, be cause im too much of a geanus geuneeus billiarnt smart to be stopid stewpid stoopid dum.

i  have arived in this dimension to have another debate with you, so that i don't look so stopid stewpid stoopid dum.

i heve stoled yore escape pod piece, so that you have motavatun motervision a reason to debate.

if you debate with me you will get it.

Signed,

      Evil BoB

This letter co-written by Ronald Drumpf

"Dat stupid Evil BoB! He saw da scape pod piece!" BoB said. "What are you going to do about that?" asked Evil BoB, who was standing in the doorway. "Well, BoB'll... go put a suit on and debate, BoB thinks," BoB said. BoB walked off into the escape pod's changing room, and put on a nice suit. "BoB'z ready fur dat debate, Evil BoB!" BoB said, and closed his escape pod door behind him. "Good. I'll get ready, and then I'll make you look dum! When those lights turn on out there, get on the stage," Evil BoB said. After a few minutes, the lights turned on, and BoB stepped onto the stage, behind his podium. He looked off to his right, and saw Evil BoB standing next to him, with a cat glued to his head. "Moderator, come on, ask the questions!" Evil BoB said after a couple moments of silence. "What? Oh, sorry, I was distracted by your, um, interesting choice of headwear," said the moderator. "IT'S MY REAL HAIR!" Evil BoB screamed, spit flying from his face, and onto the people in the front row. "Well, then, let the debate, uh, begin," the moderator said.

[NOTE: The debate has been written as a transcription, because that's how BoB sent it to us] 

Moderator: For the first question... mister Evil BoB is that really your real hair?

Evil BoB: IT'S MY REAL HAIR!!!

 

Moderator: Okay then, whatever you say. But seriously, you know how unconvincing that looks? Anyway, now that the debate has begun, maybe both of you should tell us a little about yourselves. Evil BoB, you start.

Evil BoB: Hello everyone, I’m Evil BoB. Some people know me as the head, CEO, king, and overlord of Evil BoB Skyscrapers. Just like everyone else, I have to work hard. I got a tiny loan of a million dollars, and now I have built hundreds of Evil BoB Skyscrapers! Others may know me for my amazing reality show, Celebrity Trainee, where I tell people what to do, and if they don’t do it right, I fire them!

Moderator: And what is your platform, Mister Evil BoB?

Evil BoB: My platform? Why, I use racism, of course! Nothing can work as well as good old-fashioned racism! Just look at all those voters it’s got me!

Moderator: And now, BoB, can you tell us about yourself?

BoB: Well, BoB don’t have much political experiencez, but-

Evil BoB: AHA! SEE? He isn’t even fit to be president! Vote for me!

BoB: BoB wuz talking! BoB donut have much experience in politics, but BoB know lot about how a government works becuz BoB iz a very high ranking professional sign inspector, and haz to file tonz of paperworkzez every year.

Evil BoB: That’s not logical! You think you know how to run a government just because you file paperwork?

BoB: Ya think ya know how ta run a government just because yer rich and have a TV show?

Evil BoB: That’s not true! I’m also a racist! That’s what makes me fit to run for president!

Moderator: BoB, tell us about your platform.

BoB: Itz uhhhhh… its….

BoB looks around at the stage under him.

BoB: Itz made of wood!

Evil BoB: That’s not what they meant! Look at this idiot! Who would you rather vote for? An idiot, or me, a racist bigot? I say it’s a clear answer! Evil BoB for president 2016!

Moderator: Alright, now, for the first question, for both candidates… What do you think of gun control?

Evil BoB: I think everyone should have more guns! Guns for all! Guns solve everything!

BoB: Dez guns really solve everything? Can ya get peace with guns?

Evil BoB: Of course you can! Once you shoot them all dead, they can’t be around causing trouble!

BoB: Well, dat not peace, iz it? BoB think dat people should deffanitely not be alloud to purchase semiautomatic weapons. Doze should only go to the military.

Evil BoB: Oh please. “Peace?” Everyone knows that guns are the second best solution to everything, just behind racism! Car not starting? Shoot it! People vandalizing buildings? Shoot them! Teacher didn’t give your kid a good enough report card? Shoot that report card! Gas station pump broken? Shoot it! Guns solve everything! What do you want next, for people to have the safety on their guns on at all times? How would you even enforce that?

BoB: BoB not sure how BoB'd enforce dat but maybe-

Evil BoB: Did you hear that? He’s not sure! He doesn’t have an answer!

BoB: Well, itz better den just making stuffs up about how you’ll fix the problem!

Evil BoB: Your lack of political experience is showing, idiot! Besides, if someone leaves the safety off on a gun, and some idiot’s kid shoots it off by accident, it’s just natural selection!

BoB: BoB pretty sure dat not how natural selection workz.

Evil BoB: Sure it is! See, here.

[Evil BoB pulls a grenade out of his pocket, takes the pin out, and throws it into the crowd, where it explodes.]

Evil BoB: See, that’s natural selection. Those people in the explosion? They couldn’t run fast enough, so now they’re dead.

BoB: Dat not natural selection, dat murde-

Evil BoB: HEY PARAMEDICS! KEEP AWAY FROM THOSE PEOPLE WHILE I TRY TO PROVE A POINT, OR YOU’LL BE THE NEXT VICTIMS OF NATURAL SELECTION!

Moderator: Um, let’s move on to the next question, okay? Next question: What do both candidates think about healthcare?

Evil BoB: I think those paramedics need to stay away from those victims of natural selection, OR THEY’LL BE NEXT!

BoB: BoB think we should try to give healthcare to everyone and-

Evil BoB: Nobody should get healthcare! That also ruins natural selection! Then if somebody gets sick or injured, which may or may not happen through a grenade explosion, they might still get better!

Moderator: Um, next question, since I’m worried you’ll kill- err, naturally select more people. Next question: What is your stance on taxes?

BoB: BoB think everyone should have to pay de same percentage of taxes, with no loopholes four de rich.

Evil BoB: Taxes? Why, only the poor should have to pay those! Taxes on the rich? How stupid! Why, just yesterday, I had to pay taxes on my warehouse full of grenades, like some filthy peasant! Is that fair to do to someone whose net worth is one hundred times that of what a normal person will make in a lifetime? I think not! Vote for me, and nobody will pay taxes if they’re over a certain net worth, which will be determined on a later date! Not only that, but anyone can be a millionaire if you vote for me! Or invest in my new company, which I assure you it’s not going to go bankrupt like my last four! After all, would someone with a cat on his head lie to you?

Moderator: All right, and now, what do both of you think about these big corporations and them buying off candidates?

BoB: It need ta stop! Now politicians just pass laws for what’s good for de companies!

Evil BoB: Well, the people who gave me a campaign contribution at WOLF News don’t want me to talk about it, so I won’t say too much. However, we won’t need to talk about it once I pay the media to not talk about it any more! Like that grenade I threw that probably killed at least one person? We won’t talk about that once I bribe the media!

Moderator: Next question: What about education?

BoB: BoB think we should have free education for everyone. After all, everyone needs an education, or dey'd vote fur mister killey-killey over dare.

Evil BoB: Everyone must pay for school! The only schools we’ll have open are Evil BoB Universities, where everyone must pay, and can only be taught Evil BoB approved material. Plus, it’s been statistically shown that the less educated you are, the more likely you are to vote for me! All my supporters are stupid! I love stupid people! And now, stupid people, I ask you this. Do you want other people to be smarter than you? Of course not! That’s why you need to vote for me, so that nobody can be smarter than you. In fact, here I’m thinking I should change my campaign slogan from “Make America Better Again” to “Do you want to not look like an idiot? Vote for Evil BoB!”

BoB: Who'd vote for dis guy? He killing people before he even getz into office, and now he calling all his supporters stupid. Why would ya want him as president?

Evil BoB: I wasn’t done talking! Now, here, you only need to be smart enough to pull the pin out of a grenade in the United States of The Glorious Evil BoB, Our Best President Ever… which is the new name for America, by the way, but it could be shortened to “U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E.”, pronounced “Us-ot-ge-BoB-pe”, for those who don’t want to remember all those letters, or who don’t even know what letters are. Anyway, I’m going to throw this grenade into the crowd, and someone needs to remove the pin, to prove they have what it takes to live in the U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E.

[Evil BoB hurls a grenade into the crowd. Followed by an explosion as someone pulls the pin.]

Evil BoB: See, now that person was smart enough to pull the pin, but wasn’t smart enough to throw the grenade, so they didn’t deserve to live in the U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E.

BoB: Congratulationz, yer a murderer.

Evil BoB: Nope, it’s just natural selection.

Moderator: Next question: What do both candidates think of wars?

BoB: BoB think we shouldn’t st-

Evil BoB: KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL FOR HAVING THE AUDACITY TO NOT BE PART OF THE GREAT U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E!

BoB: BoB wuz talking! BoB didn’t even get two express BoBz views on de matter, just like watz been happening dis hole debate!

Evil BoB: We should blow up all those other countries using all those free guns I promised! Or, failing that, because I have my hands… My very big hands, I may add, on the nuke button then, I’ll just press the nuke button before they can kill us! I can demonstrate with grenades if you people would like me to!

Moderator: Uh, that won’t be necessary. Just calm down, we’re almost done with these questions. Next question: What should we do about illegal aliens?

BoB: BoB think-

Evil BoB: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I BUILT MY CAMPAIGN AROUND! THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS I LIVE FOR! BOB, YOU AREN’T EVEN GOING TO GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE! What we’re gonna do, is BUILD A WALL, AND MAKE THE REST OF THE WORLD PAY!

BoB: Dat'd be hard to do if you blow up de world like ya wanted to last question.

Evil BoB: You Idiot! We get the money first, and then blow them up! Now, I’m gonna use that money, and build a wall all around America, or as it will be called The U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E! Now, I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself: “But these aliens have ladders! Surely they’ll just climb the walls!” But no! I will put up a ceiling around ALL of the U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E, using the best, unbreakable glass I can find! And now you’re surely thinking: “Oh, but grand lord Evil BoB, how will we get air?” Simple! I put tiny little microscopic holes in the glass, enough that there’s air, and then we can all live happily, with nobody who might be different than us ever getting in. And now, I bet you’re wondering “But Mister Evil BoB, assuming you let the outside world survive, how will we import and export things?” I have that all taken care of too! We simply have only a couple of sliding door like things built into the dome around the U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E. that open for planes to fly through, but high enough some alien can’t be sitting on top of the dome and just jump in as the doors open, getting inside of the beautiful U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E!

BoB: Ya crazy! Not nice, harmless, BoB crazy, yer just murdering lunatic crazy!

Evil BoB: Sure, you think that now, but when I save us from those who are different from us, you’ll see! We’ll be much safer!

BoB: How do someone get out of de U.S.O.T.G… Watever it iz ya keep saying?

Evil BoB: They don’t get out. Besides, why would they want to get out? They’ll have it best here.

Moderator: Well, that concludes that debate. 

[This concludes the transcript of the debate]

BoB walked off the stage, and saw Evil BoB. "Can BoB have dat scape pod piece back, pleeze?" BoB asked. "You think I'd actually give you what you wanted, even though I promised? Do you even understand politics?" Evil BoB asked. Suddenly, everything rippled, and it felt like everything was shaking. BoB looked up in the sky, only to see it peel away like wallpaper, and reveal absolute darkness. "BoB, danger, this entire universe is collapsing!" Celliri said through BoB's watch. "BoB could tell, thanks!" BoB yelled back. "I have this piece of your escape pod, and I'm taking it with me! Really, you are so stoopid stewpid  stopped dum for falling for this plan!" Evil BoB said, as he walked to his green Paramedic Personal Call Box. BoB saw a corner of the paneling of his escape pod sticking out of Evil BoB's pocket, and lunged towards him. BoB managed to grab on to the piece. Evil BoB grabbed it too, and they started struggling over it. 

"BoB, you have to get out of here before the universe collapses completely!" Celliri said. "Why? BoB thought ya said it wuz safe!" BoB yelled. "But not for you! BoB, in the standard universe, you aren't there! You're time traveling through time in that vortex, which exists outside of standard time! That means there's nowhere for you to be put back to in the normal universe, which means you'll be killed!" Celliri said. "Oh. BoB don't want ta be killed," BoB said. The universe was unraveling around BoB and Evil BoB, with small flakes of it flying away rapidly. BoB realized he didn't have to struggle against Evil BoB, so he kicked him in the stomach, and ran towards his escape pod. What remained of the rapidly dissolving ground seemed to start tilting right, starting to tip into the void. BoB's escape pod was already floating off, so BoB ran as fast as he could. "Celliri, open the door!" BoB yelled, as he jumped off the edge of the world.

The door swung open, and BoB fell right into the control room, where gravity was normal. The door shut instantly behind BoB. BoB pulled the dematerialization lever, and walked over to the glass door as the wheezing started. He saw Evil BoB's escape pod doors close, and the escape pod fade out of existence. That faded out of BoB's vision, and the only thing BoB could see was the blue tunnel of energy around him. Suddenly, a deep red blast appeared, burning the sides of the tunnel to nothing. "BoB, take the joystick, and whatever you do, don't let that energy touch us!" Celliri said. BoB ran to the controls, and grabbed the joystick. He pushed it as far forwards as possible, and realized it was only getting him closer to the energy, because his escape pod was facing backwards. BoB immediately pulled backwards on it, and they shot off. "Celliri, wat happening?" BoB asked as they shot backwards through the vortex.

"The entire timeline is being wiped out. Once this energy fills this tunnel, the way to this tiny dimension will be shut off forever. If we're caught in the energy, we'll be vaporized," Celliri said. "How long till we back in da paradox Celliri?" BoB asked. "Five..." Celliri started counting. "Four." The energy  was catching up, even though they were going full force. "Three." BoB could see the tunnel slowly turning from blue to orange as they got closer to the paradox. "Two." The energy was so close, the entire interior of the escape pod was shining bright red. "One" They shot out of the tunnel, and into the paradox. The vortex in the side of the tunnel sealed itself, with the bright red energy shining through the cracks, until it faded, and the dimension was sealed forever. "Celliri, what happen to doze people Evil BoB killed? Will dey be dead in da normal universe too?" BoB asked. "Luckily, due to that dimension technically not existing, they'll be exactly where they were in the normal universe before they were sucked into the dimension, and they'll be alive," Celliri said. 

"Ya know, BoB should write a transcript of dat debate. Maybe it can be put on BoBz website!"BoB said. BoB looked at the monitor into the paradox, and saw Evil BoB's escape pod behind him. "How'd Evil BoB get here? He couldn't get into the paradox!" BoB yelled, as the escape pod was carried to wherever its next location would be.

 

© 2016 SmappyBoB. All rights reserved.

BoB and The (Near) Crashing Of The Escape Pod

BoB's escape pod materialized in the paradox again as he took off, and the control room spun. "I told you not to pull that lever," Celliri said. "Well it wuz too late den, huh?" BoB said, as there was a crash, and the control room shook. BoB was holding on to the control console, trying to reach the joystick. BoB managed to reach it, but because the control room spun, BoB lost his grip on it. "Danger! The whole control room will explode if you don't manually override in ten," Celliri said. The control room shook, and BoB lost his grip on the central column, and went flying through the air. 

BoB opened his eyes, and saw trees above him. He rolled over, and saw he had been lying on grass. He looked around, and noticed he was in a forest covered with fog. "Wut wuz BoB doing here?" BoB asked himself. "Let'z see... BoB wuz... hmmm. BoB came here... and uh... Scape pod piece! Dat it!" BoB said. "Let'z see... BoBz watch say ta go... north! Dat da way to go to find it den!" BoB said, and ran off. The further BoB ran, the thicker the fog got. Eventually, BoB heard a growl behind him, and turned around. The fog was too thick, and he couldn't see what it was.

"Iz anyone dare?" BoB asked. Suddenly, a tiger ran out of the fog at BoB. BoB jumped to one side, and ran off. BoB ran, and saw a vine leading up a tree. BoB climbed it, and hoped the tiger wouldn't find him. BoB jumped from tree to tree, until he saw a river up ahead. He got to the last tree, and swam across the river. "Ha ha ya stupid tiger! Catz don't like water!" BoB said. The tiger jumped in the water, and started swimming across. "Or wuz dat dogz..." BoB asked to himself, as he ran away. 

As BoB ran across the mountain, he came across a giant cliff. BoB ran along the edge of the cliff, and looked behind him. He saw the wolf that was chasing him catching up fast. BoB tripped over something as he was looking behind him. He looked, and saw it was an orange cat. "Hello, I'm a talking orange cat," said the cat. "Dat nice. Good fur you!" BoB said, and ran off again. After a while, BoB saw the cat again. "Wat do ya want from BoB, magic talking cat?" BoB asked. "I could chase off that wolf that's chasing you," said the magic talking cat. "Okay. Dat would be very nice, since BoB wuz running from it," BoB said, and the cat ran towards the wolf. Suddenly, the wolf disappeared.

"Tank ya very much, magic talkin cat! Now, BoB haz a scape pod piece to find," BoB said and walked away. "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!" yelled the cat. BoB turned around. "Wat wrong with ya, magic talking cat?" BoB asked. Suddenly, the cat transformed into Donald Trump's wig, and started chasing BoB. "Bad magic transforming cat! BAD!" BoB yelled, and ran. "DEPORT!" screamed the psychotic Trump wig. "Aw, go build a wall around yourself, ya stupid thing!" BoB said. 

Up ahead, in the water, BoB saw his wooden fireman private call box, and ran across the beach towards it. "I hate Mexicans! I'm not racist!" screamed the Trump wig. "Iz ya a failed clone uv Trump or sumthin? Cuz dey got da racizim just right!" BoB said. BoB was  almost to his wooden escape pod, but suddenly it seemed like there was some force pulling him back. "You'll never leave unless you vote for me!" screamed the Trump wig. BoB ran with all his strength to his escape pod, and threw the double doors open. He ran inside, and shut the doors behind him, locking the Trump wig out.

BoB climbed the stairs to the control panel, and looked at the central column extending to the ceiling. "Wait a minute. Sumtin rong hear..." BoB said. "Let see... BoB wuz on da beatch...  and da wig wuz really a cat dat den turned into a wig, and BoB met it on a mountain... but BoB wuz on da mountain, den how'd BoB get to da beatch? And den dare wuz also a wolf... but wasn't it a tiger befour? And befour da mountain, BoB wuz in a jungle... But where wuz BoB before dat? How BoB get to all doze different places, without seeing dem befour? BoB didn't juzt teleport dare... wut wuz BoB doing in dat jungle? BoB got up, and den... BoB looked four a scape pod piece. But... wait a minute... wasn't BoB in BoB'z old scape pod now? And how dis interior back hear?" BoB said, and walked to the doors. He opened them, and saw that he was in his old escape pod. He closed them again, and started pacing.

"If only BoB could member wut happened befour da jungle! Befour dat... BoB wuz... BoB wuz... flying through the air... in... in... BOB'Z SCAPE POD!" BoB yelled. "And den... it wuz bout to explode... everythin wuz shakin... and den BoB went flying! BoB got it! BoB'z just knocked out right now! It all a dream! Dreamz don't ever make sense! Now... how can BoB wake up?" BoB asked, and opened the doors once again. He saw he was in some sort of larger space ship, where a couple of smaller ships were parked. Suddenly, he heard the sound of his escape pod materializing, a thousand times louder than ever. All around him, were thousands of copies of his old escape pod. "Maybe, if BoB find da right on, BoB will wake up?" BoB said. He walked around, looking for his new escape pod, made out of glass. Suddenly, he saw it. The one copy of his new escape pod, among thousands of the old ones. BoB threw the door open, and started to fall. He looked down, and saw he was falling from a cloud, in the shape of his escape pod.

"Well, maybe BoB will wake up from dis!" BoB said, as he fell. Suddenly, there was a wheezing noise next to him, and his escape pod was falling too. "Yes!" BoB yelled, as he grabbed the door and yanked it open. He looked inside, and saw it was the purple control room. As soon as he shut the door, everything started to spin, and there was a sudden shake. 

​BoB opened his eyes, and saw he was back in his control room, and it seemed to be falling apart. "Five..." counted Celliri. BoB saw the joystick laying right next to him, and grabbed it. "Four..." He pressed the button on top, and everything stopped spinning. The monitor turned on, and BoB saw outside they were about to fly into the side of the paradox. BoB tried to steer them away, but they flew through, and there was a wheezing sound as his escape pod materialized. "Good work BoB," Celliri said. "Tanks. How long wuz BoB asleep?" BoB asked. "Only five seconds," Celliri said. "Well, nobody can tell BoB BoB not a fast thinker... or dreamer... or watever ya'd call it," BoB said. 

They landed, and BoB opened the door. There was blackness all around BoB, but he seemed to be standing on a hard surface. He looked down, and saw a wall of his old escape pod at his feet. He picked it up, and hauled it inside his escape pod. "I'll deport you!" came a voice, and the Trump wig from his dream came into view. "Celliri, shut da door!" BoB yelled, and the door swung shut. "So Celliri, if we dematerialize now, we go back into da paradox, right?" BoB asked. "Yes," Said Celliri. "How can we scape dat paradox den?" BoB asked. "We have to just let the paradox keep carrying us, until we come out the other side, and are able to travel through time freely again. However, the paradox will probably take us to a couple of different places, so we'll have to take off a couple of times," said Celliri. "Well den, away we go!" BoB said, and pulled the lever.

BoB Flies a Space Plane Surrounded By Magic

BoB's escape pod flew through the red and purple vortex, and BoB was on the floor as his control room spun around. BoB looked through the glass door, and saw different places fly by very fast, then fading out into a red tunnel, with bolts of energy flying through it, occasionally hitting the escape pod. Suddenly, the whole control room seemed to warp for a second, and the lights in the walls started to flash, faster then they ever had before. Instead of the usual wheezing noise his escape pod made as it landed, it seemed high-pitched, and much faster. Suddenly, everything shook, and there was a thump. Gravity seemed to go back to normal, and BoB got up.

"Celliri, wat happen?" BoB asked. "We flew into the paradox, and it threw us through points in time were other paradoxes occurred, because we tried to escape the pull of the paradoxes. But we couldn't escape, and it kept sucking us in, until the emergency landing feature kicked in. However, landing while flying through a paradox damaged the systems. Wherever we landed, it seems we have opened some sort of wormhole in the vicinity," Celliri said.

BoB opened the door to his escape pod, and saw that in front of him was another door. BoB opened that, and saw lots of people seated in front of him. BoB looked around, and noticed it was an airplane. "Oh great, so da scape pod lands in da bathroom? Just great," BoB said. BoB looked around, and he saw it was black outside the windows. BoB figured it must just be night, until large rock flew past the window. BoB looked through another window, and saw what looked like a planet. "Celliri, where on earth iz BoB?" BoB asked. "Error. You are not on earth," Celliri said. "Oh. Oh, dat VERY bad. VERY VERY BAD," BoB said.

BoB suddenly wondered why people weren't panicking at this news, and saw that all of the passengers were asleep. "Wait a minute. Celliri, why can BoB breathe in space?" BoB asked. "Unknown. Let's just go with magic for now," Celliri said. "Okay, dat sound good. Dat wat BoB figured anyway," BoB said. "BoB should kinda get deeze peplez ta earth though. It might be bad if dey, like, stuck in space," BoB said. "Celliri, can ya open da door to the cockpit?" BoB asked.

Suddenly, the doors opened, and BoB walked in. The door closed behind him, and BoB saw the pilot and the co pilot were asleep. "Well, good thing BoB here ta help den if dey all asleep," BoB said. BoB moved the pilot out of his seat, and grabbed the wheel. "How BoB fly dis thing?" BoB asked, and tilted the wheel. The plane did a barrel roll, which almost knocked BoB over. "Celliri, why dare gravity on a space plane?" BoB asked. "Magic," Celliri said. "Oh, okay," BoB said. "Celliri, can ya give BoB directions back to dat worm hole?" BoB asked. "Turn around," said Celliri. BoB turned the plane back around. "Now what?" BoB asked. "Your destination is straight ahead," Celliri said.

BoB saw a small red speck ahead, which grew larger and larger the closer they got. Eventually, they were about to fly through it, and a blast of energy fired inside it. "Celliri, what iz it?!" BoB asked. "That is the wormhole. It appears to be made out of the same energy the paradox was," Celliri said, right as the plane flew through it. There was a huge bump, and the plane sped up. BoB tried to keep bolts of energy from hitting the plane, but a couple still hit it. "Celliri, make da force field around da scape pod big enough for this entire plane, so it safe!" BoB said. "BoB, we are approaching the middle of the worm hole. Once we get past the mid point, the whole plane will be trying to tear itself apart, so you have to fly it out as fast as you can, before it breaks apart. If we're lucky, the wormhole will collapse in on itself as we fly out of it," Celliri said. The plane shook violently, and BoB heard a groaning noise, like the plane was breaking. BoB heard people screaming from the rest of the plane, and figured he should help them not panic.

BoB hit the fasten seat belts sign, and started talking over the intercom. "Hello, dis iz yer new, uh, mercency captain speaking, and would like ta remind ya to fasten yer seatbeltz. Now, ya may be wondering 'what dis red, swirly, energy firing lightning at us?' Or maybe; 'why did they not warn us bout red, swirly, energy before we took off?' Or maybe ya thinking; 'AHHHHHHHHH WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, CAN DIS COOL, MAZING, PROBABLY HANDSUM MERGENCY PILOT SAVE US?' Well, BoB probably can," BoB said. "We're almost out of the deadly red swirly stuff anyway, so it probably fine. We should be safe within minutez. But it gonna get a little bumpy az da plane starts ta get free of da worm hole, so BoB suggests dat ya all HOLD ON TA YER SOCKS!" BoB yelled, and the plane shook even more, and the energy outside started to move faster and faster.

BoB saw a blue speck up ahead, getting bigger and bigger. "We almost out!" BoB yelled. The plane was almost there, but seemed to be slowing down, and the the energy seemed to be collapsing towards them. "BoB, the wormhole is collapsing in on itself! We have to get out of here before it does, or we'll be destroyed!" Celliri said. "BoBz wurking on it, okay?" BoB yelled, and he made the plane fly as fast as it could. The end of the wormhole, leading out to the sky, was rippling like it was made out of water. The plane suddenly started picking up speed again, and they burst out of the wormhole, as it shut behind them. 

BoB walked out of the control room, and saw everyone staring at him. "Good news, peplez! Ya can stop holding on to yer socks now, cuz we're safe! By da way, dis wuz all just a dream, and ya can go back to sleep now. Except da peplez flyin da plane, cuz dey still asleep. But whateverz. Now, go back ta sleep!" BoB said, and opened first the bathroom door, and then his escape pod door. 

"Why wuz  dey all sleepin if it wuz day on earth?" BoB asked. "We arrived three hours later then when the plane originaly flew through, because of messed up time and space. They will now be three hours late when they land," Celliri said. "Well dey should be happy! Dey not fly out into space!" BoB said. "Anyway, dare wuz no scape pod piece, but BoB guesses dat way happen when ya make a emergency landin to escape a paradox," BoB said. "Speaking of paradoxes, don't pull that lever yet, because-" Celliri started, but BoB had already hit the lever. "Why? Wat gonna happen now?" BoB asked. "The paradox caused damage to the demateriallization circuits, which means we're going to fly right back into the paradox!" Celliri said, and the control room started to spin uncontrollably.

 

BoB and the Water Planet (part 2)

Last week, BoB went to a planet covered entirely by water in his quest to get pieces of his old escape pod back. He saw some sort of underwater base as he was being chased by sharks, and went inside. 

BoB saw a window, and looked through it. He saw the shark staring back at him. "Ha ha ya poopy shark! Ya can't get BoB! Ya would have to break da window!" BoB said. The shark hit the glass, and the glass cracked the tiniest bit. "Oh. Well, even if ya did get in, ya wouldn't have any water to swim in! Ya could only get BoB if ya broke the hole place down!" BoB said. Suddenly, he heard a bumping noise from the other side of the building. BoB turned his head slightly, and saw there were lots more sharks outside. "Oh. Ya brought friends, did ya?" BoB asked. Suddenly, there were lots of loud thumping sounds as sharks rammed the building, and water started leaking in.

"BOB DINDN'T WANT  YA TO BREAK IT ALL DOWN, DUM SHARKZ!" BoB yelled. The sharks rammed the building again, and the water started leaking in faster. BoB looked around for a way out, and found a door. He ran towards it, and pulled it open. It lead to some sort of tunnel, and BoB closed the door behind him. He ran through the tunnel, until he saw a door on the other end. He swung it open, and immediately peered out the windows to make sure there weren't any sharks outside. He looked around the new room, and noticed a desk with a computer on it. BoB walked over to the computer, and turned it on. It immediately opened to an email account, with an email opened. The email said: "Plans for bases on new planet have stopped. Your complaints about the sharks have been recognized. Please return to our planet immediately."

"Oh good! BoB not da first one to make shark mad! Deeze iz sharkz with anger issues!" BoB said. BoB looked closer at the monitor, and noticed something. "Hey, wait a minute! dat look like a windo of BoBz old scape pod!" BoB said, and checked the map in the corner of his diving helmet. "It iz!" BoB said, as he started the break apart the monitor to get the window out. There were more thuds as sharks crashed against this section of the building, and water started rushing in. "BoB, can't you just take the whole monitor?" Celliri asked. "Yer right!" BoB said, and ran back through the tunnel to the entrance, carrying the monitor. When BoB got to that room, it was half flooded. BoB walked to the exit as quickly as he could, and tried to open the air lock. It was stuck. BoB looked around, and saw a gap big enough to swim through. BoB swam through the gap but there was a shark on the other side, waiting for him. BoB smacked it on the head with the monitor, and the window of BoB's escape pod broke free. BoB grabbed it, and swam as fast as he could back to his escape pod.

BoB swam straight up next to a cliff, and looked behind him. He noticed that the sharks were catching up fast. "CELLIRI, WAT CAN BOB DO?!" BoB yelled. "BoB, you do have a jet pack built into your diving suit. All you have to do is press a button on the outside of your helmet," Celliri said. "Why didn't ya tell BoB befour?" BoB asked. "It was right there in page one of the instruction manual," Celliri said. "Dare wuz a instruction manuel?" BoB asked. BoB pressed the button on his helmet, and he went shooting up. "BoB, the jetpack is on auto pilot. It will take you right back to the escape pod, but you'll have to swim for the last couple yards, because there isn't enough power," Celliri said. Even with the jet pack, the sharks were still very close to BoB. The jetpack started to slow down, and BoB started to swim as fast as he could. "Celliri, open da door!" BoB yelled, as he got close to his escape pod. The door swung open, and a little water spilled out the door. BoB swam into his escape pod, and the door swung shut.

Inside, his escape pod was filled with even more water than before, so BoB had to swim  to pull the dematerialization lever. "Celliri, how dis get filled with more water den before?" BoB asked. "This water appears to have some form of microscopic life, that can put out water. The water was appearing faster than it could evaporate, so the whole control room filled with water. We're going to materialize in the middle of space with no force field, and blast all the water out, so I suggest you hold on to something," Celliri said, and the column started rising and falling as the wheezing noise began. BoB grabbed on to two different levers, and held on as tight as he could as the door opened. All the water was sucked out. The door closed, and BoB fell to the floor of his now dry control room.

"Celliri, where iz we now? Iz dare another scape pod piece here?" BoB asked as he took the diving suit off. "No BoB, the next piece isn't anywhere near there. We appear to have arrived... oh," Celliri said. "Oh? Wat oh? Why oh?" BoB asked. "The controls seem to have short circuited because of all that water, and we landed millions of years in the past, but in the same location," Celliri said. "So? What so bad about dat?" BoB asked. "By releasing that water into space, it will eventually start to orbit some larger planet. The water will continue to make more water because of the organisms inside of it, and create that planet we were just on, causing a paradox. BoB! We need to get out of here right now!" Celliri said.

BoB ran over and pulled the dematerialization lever, and the escape pod started to fade away, into the tunnel of blue energy. "Dare! We safe now!" BoB said, but suddenly, a swirling red and purple vortex appeared in front of them. BoB grabbed the joystick and tried to fly around it, but the escape pod was sucked in. "The automatic gravity systems are breaking!" Celliri said. "Wat dat do?" BoB asked. "It's what keeps you on the floor, no matter how the exterior is tumbling," Celliri said. Suddenly, the whole control room shook, and the joystick fell out of BoB's hands. "HOLD ON TO YER SOCKS!" BoB screamed as they flew into the vortex.

BoB on the Water Planet

BoB's escape pod started to materialize, and the lights flashed. BoB walked over to the door, and looked out the glass. It looked like BoB had landed in an aquarium. Suddenly, a shark swam at the glass, hitting its head, and swimming away. "Celliri, why BoB underwater?" BoB asked. "This whole planet we've landed on is underwater. But  don't worry. We have a force field around the exterior," Celliri said, and BoB opened the door. "But it hasn't fully been put up yet, because we've just landed," Celliri said as water gushed in. BoB shut the door, and grabbed a bucket.

BoB scooped up water in the bucket, opened the door, and started bailing out as more water gushed in. The water kept flooding in, faster than BoB could bail it out. "BoB, get on a diving suit!" Celliri yelled, and BoB ran off to put one on. When he came back into the control room, he saw it was filled halfway with water, but more didn't seem to be coming in because of the force field.. BoB shut the door as water gushed out, into the rest of his escape pod. "Celliri, how we gonna get dis water out?" BoB asked. "The water will evaporate. Once you're gone, I'll turn the heat to the maximum so the water will evaporate faster," Celliri said.

BoB put on his diving suit helmet, and walked outside. There was a little map in the corner of his helmet, with an arrow pointing towards the piece of his escape pod. BoB was looking at the arrow, and not where he was going, when a shark swam at him. It tried to bite him, but BoB swam over it. BoB swam as fast as he could, but the shark was catching up.

BoB kicked it in the face, and it started to swim away. "HAHA, TAKE DAT YA DUM SHARK!" BoB yelled, and the shark started to turn back around. "NEVER MIND! BOB SORRY! BOB VERY VERY SORRY!" BoB yelled as he swam away from the shark again. "That shark shouldn't have been able to hear you through your diving helmet," said Celliri. "Oh sure, BoB really care about dat now!" BoB said.

Up ahead, BoB could see a bunch of metal dome like buildings, with tunnels connecting them. BoB swam as fast as he could towards them. 

BoB got closer to the building, and circled around it, looking for a door. When he found one, it slid open, and BoB went inside. BoB expected the doors to close automatically, but when they didn't, he looked around for a button. He found one, and repeatedly pressed it. The doors he came in shut right before the shark could get him, and the other side of the air lock opened up. BoB took off his helmet, and looked around. He saw lights on the ceiling, but they were just bright enough to see by. He seemed to be in some kind of kitchen, with a stove across the room from him. BoB saw a window, and looked through it. He saw the shark staring back at him. "Ha ha ya poopy shark! Ya can't get BoB! Ya would have to break da window!" BoB said. The shark hit the glass, and the glass cracked the tiniest bit. "Oh. Well, even if ya did get in, ya wouldn't have any water to swim in! Ya could only get BoB if ya broke the hole place down!" BoB said. Suddenly, he herd a bumping noise from the other side of the building. BoB turned his head slightly, and saw there were lots more sharks outside. "Oh. Ya brought friends, did ya?" BoB asked. Suddenly, there were lots of loud thumping sounds as sharks rammed the building, and water started leaking in...

 

TO BE CONTINUED...

BoB and the Asteroid

In the middle of space, a red telephone box faded in and out of existence, with a white light flashing from the inside. If anything had been close enough to the air bubble that surrounded the box, they would have heard a strange wheezing noise as the box appeared.

"Celliri , why doze round dents in da wall flash dis time? Dey didn't do dat before," BoB said inside his escape pod. "We are now operating under 98% power. They did not flash before because we were low on power," Celliri said. "Why do dey have to flash anyway?" BoB asked. "Because it looks good," Celliri said. 

"Celliri, where iz BoB? Where BoB land?" BoB asked. "We have landed in space, near Jupiter, as you requested," Celliri said. "Oh yeah, about dat... why BoB need to put in destination? It wurked before wen BoB just pull da lever," BoB said. "You had to put in a destination, because you pulled the wrong lever," Celliri said. "Well, which one wuz BoB SUPPOSED to pull?" BoB asked. "The purple one," Celliri said. "DEY ALL PURPLE!" BoB yelled. "Well, if you hadn't spilled grape juice on the controll panel before, you wouldn't have this problem, would you?" Celliri asked. 

BoB walked off to another room, and came back with a bucket of paint. BoB painted the normal dematerialization lever blue, and put the bucket of paint back. "Dare! Now BoB can't get confuzed!" BoB said. BoB pushed a button on a different section of his control panel, and it flipped over to reveal a joystick. 

BoB pulled the joystick, and a monitor appeared on a wall. On it, BoB saw an asteroid circling his escape pod outside. "Celliri, iz dat suppozed ta happen?" BoB asked. "No. We must have materialized right as it was passing by us, and it's now drawn into orbiting us," Celliri said. "BoB don't want ta be killed by an asteriod!" BoB yelled, and pushed forwards on the joystick. "BoB, it wasn't going to hit us, but it will now that you started flying," Celliri said.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" BoB screamed, and hit the button marked "super speed." BoB's escape pod gained speed, but the asteroid trailed behind BoB. "Physics shouldn't be working like this," Celliri said. "BoBz in a magic disappearin time travlin phone box, and ya want ta complain about physics?" BoB yelled. "Collision with Jupiter at current trajectory expected within fifteen minutes. Chances of the asteroid colliding with exterior, 97%. Estimated time before impact, one minute and forty eight seconds," Celliri said. "Yeah yeah yeah, what BoB supposed ta do, disappear?" BoB asked.

"Wait a minute, dat's it! disappearin!" BoB said. He pulled the lever he painted blue, and the lights started to flash as the wheezing noise started. His escape pod disappeared from space, leaving an asteroid speeding for Jupiter.

"Hey, BoB just remembered sumthin!" BoB said. "Congratulations," Celliri said. "Celliri, can ya upload deze picture to BoB'z ofishall site?" BoB asked, plugging a USB stick in the USB port on his control panel. "Uploading. These pictures should arrive on the site on exactly seven PM, April eighth, two thousand sixteen," Celliri said. "Iz it really gonna take dat long?" BoB asked. "BoB, we are traveling through time. When I uploaded those, we were just passing by the date and time mentioned. It took less than a second to upload," Celliri said. "Oh, yeah, dat right," BoB said. "BoB want to land there to make sure doze picture turned out," BoB said. "BoB, we're time traveling to get your pieces of your old escape pod back, remember?" Celliri said. "Oh yeah, dat right!" BoB said. "Den away we GO!" BoB said, and pulled the lever that would automatically take him to the next piece of his escape pod.

BoB and the Mysterious Mannequins

Last week, BoB escaped the planet covered in burning ice, and got a piece of his old escape pod back. After sledding down a hill on it and taking off, he flew off, to the location of the next piece.

The column rose and fell, and BoB's escape pod started making its wheezing noise. The tunnel of blue energy faded in and out, being replaced with a field, covered in half dead grass. "Celliri, iz it safe too go out dare, or does BoB need da space suit again?" BoB asked. "Systems indicate it is 100% safe to go outside," said Celliri. "Good!" BoB said, and opened the door.

Outside, the sun was setting, and it was starting to get cold. BoB could see that there were ten small, worn out looking wooden houses not too far ahead, and other than that, there was nothing. In every direction, there was withered brown grass, and there wasn't even a tree in sight. BoB wandered towards the set of houses and saw that on the porch of one of the houses was a white plastic mannequin in a rocking chair. Instead of a normal head, the mannequin's neck pointed up into a cone. A small gust of wind blew, and the mannequin started rocking in its chair slowly. "Well, dat freaky," BoB said. 

BoB walked over to the house with the rocking mannequin, and looked around. The porch was old and rotting, with small holes where the wood wore through. Above the house numbers saying this was house 260, there was a letter H, and a number one behind it.  ""H 1 260? Celliri, what dat mean?" BoB asked. "Unknown. There is no apparent meaning behind these numbers," Celliri said. "Anybody home?" BoB yelled out, and rang the doorbell. Inside the house, a sound halfway between a doorbell and a dying cat warbled out, followed by a thump, and then a crash. BoB rammed the weak old door open, and saw the machine responsible for making the doorbell noise had crashed to the ground. 

The inside of the house didn't look much better than the outside, with the floor giving away in places. There was no carpeting in all of the house, yet where the living room must have once been, there was a couch, and an old TV. On the couch sat a mannequin, just like the one outside. BoB walked back outside, and went to the next house. He rang the doorbell, and when nobody answered, he opened the door. He went up the stairs, and saw a bedroom. Lying in the bed with a blanket around it was yet another mannequin. BoB walked out of the house, and noticed something odd about its numbers. Unlike the other house, this one had an H, followed by a 2. Under these, the house number was -130. 

BoB kept wandering from house to house, and noticed something about the numbers on the houses. They had no pattern at all. H3, +10, H4 -63, H5 -17, H6 -30, H7 -35, H8 +20, H9 -25, H10 +15. There was no pattern to the numbers at all, and inside every house, there was nothing, except a mannequin. Every house had a mannequin, all of them exactly the same. "Celliri, what should BoB do now?" BoB asked. "Have you explored everywhere?" Celliri asked. "BoB haz went in every house, but dare nothing dare. Da only thing BoB didn't do waz walk out of da group of houses and look around," BoB said. "That would seem to be the only option," Celliri said. "How ya no if a piece iz here anyway?" BoB asked. "Systems indicate it can not be more than 25 miles away from the location of materialization," Celliri said.

BoB set off walking, leaving the village behind. BoB walked for about 20 minutes, without seeing anything but grass all around him. Not even a single tree was there, not a single cloud in the darkening sky, and BoB hadn't heard any noise at all since he left the cluster of houses. BoB looked back for the first time since he wandered off, and he couldn't see the houses. BoB looked ahead again, wondering if he should journey farther, when he saw the back of his escape pod less than twenty feet ahead of him. "Celliri, did ya move?" BoB asked. When he looked ahead, he saw that the cluster of houses was also ahead, and he had somehow come back around in a circle. "Celliri, what happen? Did BoB walk in a circle?" BoB asked. "Data from your watch indicates you had traveled in a straight line, never moving off course," Celliri said. "Iz dis a really small planet or sumething?" BoB asked. "Systems indicate planetoid is small, but still large enough it should take days to walk its surface," said Celliri.

BoB looked at the houses, and suddenly one set of lights turned on. All the lights on the porches turned on automatically, because the sun had almost set.  BoB noticed something wrong with one of the porch lights. One of them lit up red. "Aha! Celliri, dat must be BoB'z light four da top!" BoB said, and ran over to it. Before BoB could reach it, everything shimmered, and the world dissolved into a swirling vortex of colors. Then everything stopped swirling, BoB was somewhere completely different. It looked like a mall, but unlike everything else he had seen so far, it looked new.

"Celliri, wat happen?" BoB asked. "It appears you are in the exact same place as you were before you disappeared, yet are in another dimension," Celliri said. BoB saw a map of the mall, and walked over to it. It looked perfectly normal, except there were no exits on the map. On the floor guide, it listed all the floors, with a star saying "you are here" for floor one. BoB noticed something about floor 3 on the map, and looked more closely at the map. For floor three it said "Floor 3: Your only chance of escape." "Well, dat friendly," BoB said, and ran up an unmoving escalator.

When he got to floor 3, he saw a piece of paper lying on the floor, with a couple of drawings on it. BoB picked it up, and saw it had little rectangles on it, all with an H, followed by a number after it. Under the drawing, thee was a line, saying "Code: H1, H2, H3, H4, H5, H6, H7, H8, H9, H10" BoB looked behind him, only to see the escalator that brought him up here was gone, and replaced by a solid wall. BoB looked ahead again, and saw that in front of him were six different doors, all having the same logo on top. The only difference was that each door had a different number on it, from 1 to 6.

"BoB, don't move," Celliri said. "If you pick the wrong one of those doors, you will die." "Well what can BoB do?" BoB asked. "That piece of paper says code on it. Maybe there's a code you can put in somewhere?" Celliri suggested. BoB looked at the paper again, and got an idea. "AHA! Celliri, calculate 260-130+10-63-17-30-35+20-25+15!" BoB said. "Why?" Celliri asked. "Da paper here say H1, H2, H3 blahblahblah, and da houses have da letter H and den a number. So, if ya take da house numbers and put dem in den not one big string without da letter H and numberz, ya get da math problem BoB told ya. Now, wat iz da answer?" BoB asked. "The answer to the math problem is five," Celliri said. "Good!" BoB said, and opened door number five.

Inside, it looked just like an average clothing store, but the mannequins were all the same kind he saw back near the houses. BoB saw a large screen on one wall, and went over to it. It had lots of buttons on the frame around it, so BoB pressed one. A commercial started playing on the TV screen, and BoB looked for the home button. When he pressed it, the ad ended, and was replaced by a black screen with yellow lettering on it. It read; "This Store is the best place to buy clothes, discount toys or home goods. (Please tap the screen to continue reading." The word home was circled and underlined, which seemed suspicious to BoB. BoB looked around, and saw the section marked Home, with a strange circle around the word. BoB decided he should take a picture of these strange mannequins that were all over the place, so he took a picture:

BoB ran to the home section, and saw a button. He pressed it, and suddenly everything started dissolving again, and it was all just a swirling blur of color. When BoB felt ground under him again, he immediately started running towards the red porch light. The sun had set completely, leaving it very dark out, yet the little light there was seemed to shine off the mannequins. BoB grabbed the red light, and unscrewed it. It was burning hot, so he put it in his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. BoB suddenly noticed something seemed off. "Celliri, has there been any wind since BoB was teleported?" BoB asked. "No, there hasn't. Why would you ask?" said Celiri. "Because the rocking chair mannequin stopped rocking before BoB wuz gone... so then why can BoB still hear rocking?" BoB asked, and whipped around. The rocking chair was empty, with no mannequin in sight.  BoB turned back around, and heard a creak. He spun back around, and saw there were now mannequins looking out the doors of the homes. He spun back around, and saw that there was one with the door partially open in front of him. He backed away, and kept his eyes on all of them at once.

"HA! BoB saw dis on TV once! De quantun locked, or sumethin like dat! Dey can't move while ya look at dem!" BoB said. Suddenly, one of the ones further from BoB moved its arm up slowly. Another stepped forward. A couple more moved, and started running towards BoB "Ohkay den, maybe not," BoB said, and started to run. "DA TV LIED TO BOB! HOW COULD IT DO DAT?!" BoB yelled as he ran as fast as he could back to his escape pod.

Suddenly, the air in front of him started to swirl, and a couple more mannequins appeared in front of him. "Doze must be from da department store!" BoB yelled, and dodged to one side. BoB could see his escape pod up ahead, and ran even faster. Suddenly, a fist from one of the mannequins shot past BoB on his left, and hit the ground. Where it hit, the ground immediately got covered in shiny white plastic. 

BoB was almost to his escape pod now, and mannequin fists kept flying past him. "Celliri, open da door!" BoB yelled, and the door swung open. BoB ran right inside, and the door shut behind him. He ran to the control panel, and pulled the dematerialization handle. He looked out the glass door, and saw the mannequins fists were coating the outside in plastic. "Wait a minute, why dare no wheezing going on?" BoB asked. "You have to set a destination, BoB," Celliri said. "Oh, right!" BoB said. "We're going to get the next piece of da old escape pod," BoB said. "You have to be more specific than that, BoB," Celliri said. "Fine, Jupiter or sumethin, just get out of here!" BoB said, and the wheezing noise started. The indentations in the wall started glowing and fading in sync with the rising an falling of the column, and the outside started to fade in and out, being replaced by the tunnel of blue energy. 

Outside, on the planet of the mannequins, the plastic coated box started to make a strange sound, and started glowing from within. The glow and sound faded in sync with each other, until the sound faded out completely. All that was left on the planet were the mannequins, and hollow plastic in the shape of a phone box.

BoB and the strange planet (part 2)

Last week, as you recall, BoB crash landed on a strange planet made of ice, where fire shot out of the ground. The emergency landing caused BoB's escape pod to change. BoB didn't like the new glass version, so he set out to find the pieces. He wandered around the planet, until an alien found BoB, and threatened to kill him.

"You have escaped the snare," the alien said. "You will die," it said, and pointed a blaster at BoB. BoB rolled to the side, and the blast missed, causing ice shards to fly everywhere. "Plan has failed. Initiate plan two," it said, and threw something at BoB. "Scuze BoB, but why you throw thingz at BoB? Cuz dat not nice, see? Did BoB do anything to you? Cuz ya should only do dat too bad guyz. Like politicanz! Do ya have politicanz here? Anyway, BoB not do anything to ya, so ya should leave BoB alone," BoB said. "You have offended the citizens of this planet," said the alien. "Oh yeah? By doing what?" BoB asked. "Existing. You are different than us. WE do not like that. Therefore, you must die," it said, and aimed its blaster at BoB. "Ooooh, nice. Ya very nice, aren't ya? YA DIFFERENT DAN US! SO DEN WE NOT LIKE!!!!! Dat all ya do, just like Trump!" BoB said, and kicked the alien in the face.

BoB ran towards his escape pod piece, but suddenly aliens burst out of the ground in front of him. They were made of many blocks of ice, forming the vague shape of a person. Inside their heads, there was a fire ball that BoB could see, which must have been their brain. "Calling for backup in sector 547863955-v-38540. Alien creature on the loose. It must be killed," the aliens said into some sort of radio. BoB pushed past the aliens in front of him, and kept running towards the escape pod piece. BoB was almost there, when ten more of the aliens rose up out of the ground less than fifteen feet away from him. They advanced on BoB, but suddenly fire shot out of the ground.

"Haha ya dum alienz! ya melted!" BoB said, and ran through the fire. He got to the escape pod piece, and picked it up. It was the bottom of the escape pod, but somehow BoB managed to pick it up and not drop it. "Celliri, what BoB do now?!" BoB asked. "Run back to the escape pod. The location has been put in your map," Celliri said. "Celliri, how BoB get there if there killy monsters in da way?" BoB said, as he ran towards the aliens. "Your best solution would be to run," Celliri said. "Celliri, can't ya just take off and land next to BoB? Or at least on da other side of da killy monsterz?" BoB asked. "Route recalculating. Turn right. If you reach your destination, congratulations. You were not killed," Celliri said. BoB turned right, and kept running, only to see a huge hill, with a red speck that must have been his escape pod near the bottom. "COULDN'T YA JUST LAND ANYWHERE ELSE?" BoB yelled, and turned around. He saw the aliens coming closer, and got an idea. He put the escape pod piece under him, ran, and jumped.

"HAHAHA YA DUM ALIENZ! BOB FASTER DAN YA!" BoB yelled, sliding down the hill on his escape pod piece. The aliens shot lasers at him, and BoB leaned to one side. "Celliri, open da scape pod doorz!" BoB yelled. BoB lined himself up with the escape pod as best he could, and turned to look at the aliens. He saw that lots of them were chasing him, sliding like penguins.  BoB looked ahead of him, and saw that the base of his old escape pod was too wide to fit through the doors of his new escape pod. Just as BoB was about to smack into the his escape pod, he grabbed both sides of the escape pod piece he was using as a sled, and put all his weight on one side. This caused the piece to lean, with one side rising up, and BoB fit through the doors. He heard the doors close behind him, followed by the thump of an alien hitting the door. BoB's sled kept its momentum, and he pulled the dematerialization lever as it slid by the control panel.

The column in the middle of the console rose and fell as his escape pod made its wheezing noises, and BoB took off the space suit. BoB looked out the glass door, and saw that the planet outside seemed to be fading away, replaced with a tunnel of blue energy. "All right Celliri, dat one piece down! Now letz go to da next one, and hope dare a lack of evil killy thingz!" BoB said. "But there aways seem to be evil killy things, no matter where we go..." said Celliri, as the column rose and fell again, and the tunnel outside started to fade away.

BoB and the strange planet (Part one)

Last week, BoB picked up an alien on a strange planet, and brought them to earth. The alien tried to eat Denald Frump's cat wig, so BoB was taking him home. BoB put in a destination, and pulled the lever again. The whole room suddenly shook, and everything started spinning.  "Celliri, what's goin on?!" BoB yelled. "You did not let the engines charge properly," said Celliri"Hold on to somethin!" BoB yelled. "Hold on to what?" Al yelled back. "Well, there would have been sum thin, if it didn't break before!" BoB said, as a light blew out. "HOLD ON TO YER SOCKS!" BoB yelled as he pulled a lever, and every light blew out. 

 An emergency light came from the column in the center of the control panel, and BoB started pushing buttons. "Ya no, ya could help BoB, Al!" BoB yelled to the alien. "By doing what?" asked the alien. "JUST PUSH BUTTONZ!" BoB yelled, and the room did a barrel roll. Al started pushing every other button BoB hadn't, and suddenly the column started to rise and fall. "YA DID IT AL!" BoB yelled, as the wheezing noise started. BoB saw that al was fading, but by the time he got over to him, he was gone. "Celliri, wat happen?" BoB asked. "The alien pressed the home button. It should have teleported him home," Celliri said "Can BoB do dat?" BoB asked. "There isn't enough power left. We must land immediately, or we will be stuck forever," said Celliri. BoB started pulling levers, but all that happened was the control room started shaking. The light on the central column started to dim, and BoB finnally found the materialization lever. He pulled it frantically, and the column rose and fell as the noise started. Just as the column stopped moving, the light faded. 

"Celliri, what happen? Did BoB land it?" BoB asked to the completely darkened room. "We almost ran out of power. The emergency systems kicked it, and landed at the nearest point they could refuel. Activating reserve power," Celliri said, as the lights came back on. "Danger. Exterior sustained critical damage. Must reform. Using minimum power requirements to rebuild,"Celliri said, as the interior doors started to glow white. "BoB, you must get out of here, quickly!" said Celliri. "Wat if dare no air out dare? Den wat?" BoB asked. "The systems are sustaining a small bubble around the exterior which contains earth atmosphere and a protective forcefield. It should keep you from dying. Hopefully," said Celliri. The doors swung open, and BoB ran out. He opened the doors for the outside, and they shut behind him. The box was glowing white, and shaking. The light on top started flashing, and it made a noise like it was about to take off. The outside started to break apart not huge prices, and the light flashed faster. It broke into pieces just before it dematerialized, and the prices were gone. A couple seconds later, and the noise started again. Once it stopped, there was a telephone booth, with glass on all sides, and a door that slid open.

BoB slid the door open, to find that he was back in the control room, without having to open the interior doors. He turned around, and saw that the door was behind him, and on the other two sides, there was glass, but where the back should have been, there was his control room. "Celliri, what wuz all dat?" BoB asked. "The exterior was meant to be indestructible, yet you flying before the repairs were complete on the outside, and the low power, broke the outside into small pieces. We only had enough power to make this exterior, which is extremely breakable," Celliri said. "So dat way it have to look like forever now? And ya can break it just by throwing roks at it? Cuz BoB not good at flying, so dat not gonna wurk. Can BoB fix it?" BoB asked. "You would have to find all the original pieces, which have been scattered throughout time and space, because it exploded when it was dematerialized," Celliri said. "Where da closest pice den?" BoB asked.

"Searching. Calculated. The nearest piece is right on this planet. There has been a map downloaded to your watch, which will show the coordinates of the piece. Systems detect no life on this planet, so it should be a safe journey, providing you have the right gear," Celliri said, and a hidden door slid open, to reveal a silver space suit. "This is a temperature controlled fire proof suit, perfect for exploring this planet. You must put it on, as the air bubble outside is fading," Celliri said, as BoB put it on. When he put the helmet on, a display popped up in the corner, showing his the closest way to the piece he was looking for. Luckily, it wasn't that far away. BoB opened the door, and stepped out. The door automatically locked behind him, and BoB turned around. From the outside, you couldn't even see the inside, making it look like a normal phone booth. It would be a perfect disguise, if anybody used phone booths anymore. BoB looked a head, and started walking towards the red blinking dot that showed where the piece was.

As soon as BoB got out of the air pocket, he saw that the planet was ice under him, yet there was fire shooting out of the ground in random places. "Celliri, why it do dat?" BoB asked  into a microphone in his helmet. "This planet is close to a star, so it's normal temperature is 800 degrees Fahrenheit, yet gravity is so powerful, it compresses all the water vapor together, forming solid ice on the surface, making it unmeetable. The planet also has pockets of unidentified flammable gas which bursts to the surface, instantly catching fire from the heat," said Celliri. "BoB din't need a math lesson." "Actually, it would be qualified as science." "FINE! If ya say it geography, den it geography!" BoB yelled back.

"Danger BoB! Look out!" Celliri yelled, just as fire erupted in a circle around BoB. "BoB trapped!" BoB yelled. "BoB, your space suit is fire proof! You can just run through it it you're fast enough!" Celliri said, and BoB shot off. BoB kept running, and he saw a tiny dot of red on the horizon. "In one mile, you will arrive at your destination," said Celliri. BoB continued running, but suddenly fell over. BoB looked up, and saw an alien looking back at him. "You have escaped the snare," It said. "This will not be tollerated. You will die," It said, as it aimed a weapon right at BoB.

BoB And the Kautionioddities

Last week as you recall, BoB put his head back in the escape pod after convincing someone to vote for him, and shut the door. A few seconds later, and there was a huge wheezing noise as the box began to fade. The last thing the person outside heard was BoB talking to himself, saying: "Why it look so different in hear? Oh yeah, dat right! It got repaired! Ohh it look so cool! Actually... on second thought... BoB don't like it." The box was gone, but the wheezing continued for a few seconds.

So, as promised, the inside of his escape pod will be described. BoB looked around, and saw the room was shaped like a hexagon, with circular indentations set in the walls, and purple lightbulbs inside them. The metal column no longer attached to the ceiling, instead just rising and falling. The walls were purple, and so was the floor. Even his control panel was purple. "Celliri, WHY EVERYTHING HAVE DIFFERENT SHADE OF PURPLE?!!!?" BoB said. "The systems that determine color are broken." "But why? Didn't everything get fixed?" BoB asked. "It would have, but you spilled grape juice inside them, and they were used before everything got repaired. Which reminds me, there are new rules." "Rules like WAT?" BoB yelled. "You will not be eating or drinking in here, and you will not track mud inside." "Dis BOB'Z scape pod, and BOB make all rulez in hear!" BoB yelled. Suddenly, the whole room shook, and alarms started going off. "OH, right, BoB supposed to be flying!" BoB said, and started pushing buttons.

"Danger! Landing at nearest planet!" Celliri said, and the column started to rise and fall. "So... where BoB land?" BoB asked. "We have performed an emergency landing, because the engines are over heating. They need time to be broken in before being used to time travel too far," Celliri said. "But you said planet!" BoB said.  "Yes. We were teleporting through space, because you pushed the wrong button." "How long it take to charge da engines?" BoB asked. "Maybe two hours, at most," said Celliri. "Right. BoB goin explorin den. Be back soon! Maybe," BoB said, as he pushed a button to open the interior doors. There was another set of doors outside, a smaller one, that were connected to outside his escape pod, and this worked as an air lock. He opened the second set, and stepped out.

The sky was purple, and there was a red sun high in the sky. BoB closed the door behind him, and it automatically locked. The ground was gray and rocky, like an asteroid, but BoB could see buildings up ahead. He started walking towards them, but suddenly the holes opened up in mid air, and three people jumped out, wearing yellow and black checkered military gear. They wore what looked like motorcycle helmets, with yellow tinted visors. "Caution! A strange thing approaches!" one of them yelled. "Oh, sure, ya military peoplez jump out of nowhere endpoint gun at BoB, but BOB strange? And what doze uniform? Don't tell BoB doze camouflage." "This is camouflage, unidentified space creature. How did you get here, thing?" "BoB come here in red scape pod dat go WHEEEEEEZEEEEEE, WHEEEEZE, WHEEEEEEEZE and teleport. It right behind BoB, ya know?"

"You are under arrest for arriving outside of the legal docking area. Inspect the box." Two of the soldiers walked over, and gasped. "Wat yer BoBlem?" "This is not the standard colors of the planet. You have committed two infractions. You must be put in jail, and your ship confiscated." "If BoB hauled off to jail, can BoB at least know where BoB iz?" BoB asked. "Your question is within out guidelines to answer. You will get an answer, unidentified space creature. You are on the planet Kautioniodditie, in the Maritinausan Galaxy. This is one of the most well known planets in the whole galaxy. How have you not heard of it, Unidentified Space Creature?" "Can ya stop calling BoB unidentified Space creature? Call BoB BoB, okay? BoB izn't dat civilized anyway, so BoB can't know about it den, right?"

"No matter how civilized you are, you must comply with our laws." "No." "You will comply." "Nope." "You must comply." "Sorry, nope." "COMPLY." "Noperz.  Yer comment has ben filed in da propriat area dough, witch iz da garbage." "You must comply. Failure to comply results in all assets being forfeited to the Kautionian government." "Fine, BoB'll comply." "Unidentified Space Creature-" "BoB." "Right, Unidentified Space BoB, prepare to go through teleportal 556735683-G5, with your ship being transported as well." "Wow, ya really got dat bit mezmerized, don'tcha?" BoB said, and the air rippled, and a circle of yellow energy swirled in the air. "Proceed, Unidentified Space BoB." said a person, and nudged BoB through with a rifle pointed at him. BoB walked through, and suddenly felt like he was falling. He shot down a tube of yellow energy, until there was a dot of light at the end. BoB looked behind him, and saw all three soldiers behind him, and his escape pod. BoB looked forward again, and saw they were about to shoot out of the tunnel.

BoB shot out the end, and felt gravity take effect, and fell to the floor. "Get on your feet!" yelled one guard, pulling BoB up. BoB was in a white hallway, with cells on either side that had bars made out of red lasers. A guard grabbed what looked like a hair dryer out of their belt, and aimed it at BoB. They looked at a hidden screen, then said there were no weapons detected. A guard shoved BoB into an empty cell, pressed a bunch of buttons on a number pad outside, and walked away once the red lasers came down. "Celliri, can ya hack dis thing to let BoB out?" BoB asked after pulling the watch out of his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. There were some beeping noises, and the lasers faded. BoB walked out of his cell, and started walking off, when he heard a voice. "Please, break me out, too!" said the voice. BoB turned around, to see a short, furry purple alien in the cell he was looking in. "Why ya in dare?" BoB asked suspiciously. "I crash landed on this planet when I ran out of gas, because my co-pilot just knew we didn't have to get gas, and since my space ship was yellow and white, they locked me up for a life sentence, and destroyed the space ship," it said. "All right, fine, BoB'll save ya. Celliri, open the- oh, ya already did it," BoB said as the bars faded. BoB ran in the direction he saw them push his escape pod, and turned the first corner. He saw the alien was keeping up, and kept running.

BoB was suddenly outside on a balcony, overlooking a scrap yard full of ships, with barbed wire and a wall surrounding it. "Deeze peplez iz crazy about yellow and black bean da only colerz," BoB said and jumped a short distance onto a dusty hill. He ran down a path, and saw it lead to the only gate into the place. BoB stopped, and the alien bumped into him. "Why did you stop?" the alien asked. "See doze? Doze iz probably motion detecting lazerz. BoB saw den in moviez," BoB said. "Well then what do we do?" asked the alien. "Run!" BoB yelled, and dragged the alien with him. Every alarm went off, and search light came on. BoB kept running, and hid behind a pile of junk. "How will we ever find your space ship?" the alien asked. "It looks like it color coded, so look four red thingz, and find a little red box," BoB said, and ran behind another pile of spaceships. BoB kept running, until the spaceships around them were red. They seemed to get newer the closer BoB got to the center, so BoB ran to the center of the red spaceship section. The alien screamed, and BoB turned to see a soldier standing there with a smoking laser. "RUN! DIS WAY!" BoB yelled, and pulled the alien along. BoB saw his escape pod, and ran towards it, as a guard missed another shot. BoB fished a wireless car key out of his pockets, and pressed the unlock button. The light on the top of his escape pod flashed, and the doors swung open. Inside, it just looked like a hollow box, but the back wall was purple, and it swung open as BoB got nearer. BoB shoved the alien through, and jumped in. He slammed the door shut, and ran into the control room. He pulled the dematerialization lever, and the column rose and fell. 

"So den, where ya want to go, alien dat BoB doezn't no yer name?" BoB asked. "Al," said the alien. "Okay, where you want to go, Al dat BoB doesn't no yer name?" BoB asked. "I've always wanted to go to this strange planet called 'Earth,'" said the alien. "Alright, before BoB take ya dare, wat you eat on yer planet. Cuz if you eat peplez, den yer not allowed to go." BoB said. "We just eat gerbils and and other small rodents there. Can I go? PLEASE???????" asked the alien. BoB, being BoB, did the stupid thing and pushed some buttons, and there was a wheezing noise as they landed. "Alright, Dare. BoB'z landed. Ya can get out now," BoB said as he opened the doors. Al pushed open the other set of doors, and BoB walked out after him. "Alright, BoB'z in sum kinda stadium... dare sum one on a stage..." BoB muttered. Suddenly, BoB saw a huge TV and Donald Trump's face appeared on it. Millions of screaming Trump fans waved banners, most with Trump's face on them. Al jumped at a banner, and BoB immediately ran after him. "Sorry, four dat thing attacking ya, but it...ummmmm....BoB'z pet! Yeah, dat it! Where it go?" BoB asked. Suddenly, there was another terrified scream, and BoB ran towards it. "Sorry!" BoB yelled as he pushed people out of the way. BoB heard another scream, and saw Al jumping at another banner. BoB grabbed him, and ran off. "Sorry for da ripped banner! Actually, wait, yer Trump supporterz! Ya should thank BoB!" BoB yelled as he made his way to his escape pod. BoB opened it, and jumped inside. He shut the doors, and pulled the dematerialization lever. "Alright, what waz ya thinking?" BoB asked. "I thought they had pictures of a fat pink gumball with a gerbil on it's head, and I wanted to know where I could get one," Al said. "Well, ya better tell BoB what planet yer frum, cuz ya don't get to go to earth." 

BoB put in a destination, and pulled the lever again. The whole room suddenly shook, and everything started spinning.  "Celliri, what's goin on?!" BoB yelled. "You did not let the engines charge properly," said Celliri. "Hold on to somethin!" BoB yelled. "Hold on to what?" Al yelled back. "Well, there would have been sum thin, if it didn't break before!" BoB said, as a light blew out. "HOLD ON TO YER SOCKS!" BoB yelled as he pulled a lever, and every light blew out. 

Super Mega Highly Political BoB and the Debate

While BoB's escape pod was being repaired, he decided he needed something to do. He remembered he was running for president under the B.I.Z.Z party, and he hadn't been invited to any debates. This got BoB mad, and he decided he'd have to have a debate.*

*For the purposes of this BoBlog, dialogue has been color-coded.

 

He got a stage together, and put out a bunch of folding chairs, before he remembered he'd need an audience. He scribbled out a message in crayon on some pieces of paper, and ran around handing them out. Once all the flyers were handed out, he ran back to his stage, and dragged a box of costumes slightly behind the stage.

"Celliri, can ya be a moderator four BoB'z debate?" BoB asked into his watch. "Candidates can't be moderators," said Celliri. "BoB nose dat, dat why BoB not da moderator!" BoB yelled. "Candidates can't be moderators." "BOB NOSE DAT!" "Candidates can't be moderators." "BOB. NOSE. DAT. DAT. WHY. BOB. NOT. MODERATOR!" "Candidates can't be moderators." BoB suddenly understood what Celliri was trying to say. "FINE, BE CANDIDATE, AND MODERATOR! BOB NOT CARE!" BoB yelled, as he set up another podium, and wrote in crayon on it. He set up a video camera, and put it on a delay of five minutes until it took video. BoB strolled back onto the stage, and checked his watch.

He heard someone coming, and ran off again. He put on a security outfit, and ran up to the person. "Bag check security BoB here! No bags? Go on through, and take a seat! NEXT!" BoB realized there was nobody else, and ran back to the podium, and put a suit on over the security outfit. "Thirty seconds!" Celliri called. BoB got to the podium just as Celliri started talking about the debate. "BORING! BOB KNOW ALL ABOUT DIS! GET ON TO DA PEPLEZ YELLING!" BoB interrupted.

"Mister BoB, what platform are you running on?" asked Celliri. "Platform? Wat dat? Ya mean dis stage? BoB not running now, but BoB could run on dis platform," BoB said, and started jogging in place. "Let me rephrase that. Where do you stand on the issues?" "What Issues? BoB didn't know BoB was standing on any issues!" BoB said, and jumped back.

"Never mind. Let's get on to the questions then. How do you feel about the state of the economy?" "BoB didn't know dare was a state called economy. Do dat make 51 uv den now? OH, wait, you mean how da economy doin? It bad, BoB guess it bad? Maybe?" "Well then Mister BoB, what will you do to fix the economy?" "Make everything run on BoBucks! Den BoB could buy out Trump!" BoB said.

Suddenly, Evil BoB was there, with a cat glued to his head. "Did somebody say Trump?" asked Evil BoB.  

"We now have two candidates... one just appeared out of nowhere, but I guess we have to go with it," said Celliri.

"So then BoB...s. How will we got our jobs back from overseas?" Celliri asked. "Well..." BoB started, but was interrupted by Evil BoB. "YOU ALL KNOW IT NOT REALLY OVERSEAS! Its the Mexican Government, and they just BRAINWASHED EVERYONE INTO BELIEVING THEM! The only corse of action is building a wall, and if that don't work, BLOWING MEXICO OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH! Did you know there was a time when Mexico didn't exist as a country? Those were probably the best days in the universe! So now, If I'm elected president, let's MAKE MEXICO NONEXISTENT AGAIN!" said Evil BoB.

"But dare were a time when da usa didn't exist, so yer point iz... Wat?" BoB said. "Both of you, stop arguing. Evil BoB, let's say you're wrong about Mexico brainwashing everyone-" Celliri started, but was interrupted by Evil BoB. "BOB WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT EVIL BOB IS NEVER WRONG, YOU FOOL. And when Evil BoB is elected president, anyone who says otherwise will die a slow and painful death. Then we can MAKE THE USA GREAT AGAIN!" "Yes, Evil BoB that is very nice, but let's pretend you ARE wrong, impossible as it may seem, and say the jobs are in China? How do we get them back?" "Why, we just BLOW THEM OFF THE MAP!" Evil BoB yelled. "Iz dat how ya deal with everything?" BoB asked. "Why yes! And If you don't like it I can-" "Blow BoB off da face uv da earth, so BoB'z heard."

"So BoBs, what do you think we do about gun control?" Celliri asked. "BoB not know much about gunz. BoB only know dat when BoB pay in BoBucks, peplez with guns chase BoB and yell at BoB. And when BoB visit different planets, things with gunz chase BoB and yell thingz, until POWPOWPOW! BZZZZZZZT! FEFGFNHGBRTYIUJHRUOIYFGDFRHKYUHNBVAROIGLE! Things explode!" BoB said. "Everyone should have a gun, except for Mexicans, so they could shoot the Mexicans! And once every Mexican is dead, they all have to give up the right  to have a gun, because then they might turn on Evil BoB!" yelled Evil BoB.

"What do you think we should do on the education system?" Celliri asked. "BoB think everyone should have a free education, cause most people iz only az smart az BoB, and apparently dat a bad thing." BoB said. "Nobody should be educated at all, because then they might oppose me! Those who want to be educated, can come to my Evil BoB Academy, where they can pay lots of money to be educated! We should also cut down taxes for the rich, and raise them for the poor, so that only the worthy get educated! Oh, and if anyone is a Mexican, they can't get in, even if they are rich! In fact, I changed my mind. At Evil BoB Academy™, there is a free class everyone can take... SHOOTING MEXICANS!" Evil BoB yelled. "Sir, if you mention killing Mexicans again, I will have to make you leave."

"And now for my last question of this debate... how do either of you plan on dealing with illegal aliens?" asked Celliri. "And here it comez..." BoB muttered. "by KILLING THEM ALL!" shouted Evil BoB. "Yup, BoB knew it was coming..." BoB said. "Sir, I warned you. Leave now, or I will be forced to call Bag Check Security BoB on you!" Celliri yelled. "I don't see any security around, you stupid computer," said Evil BoB. BoB tore off  the shirt he was wearing, reveling the security uniform underneath. "Ooooh, BoB'z always wanted to do dis..." BoB said, and tackled Evil BoB. Evil BoB pressed a button on his watch, and disappeared.

"Well then, you still haven't answered the question BoB," said Celliri. "Wat was da question?" BoB asked. "How do you plan on dealing with illegal aliens." "Alien? Dat remind BoB of sumthin... THIS DEBATE IS NOW OVER, GOOD BYE!" BoB said, and turned his video camera off.

He started running back to his escape pod, when he noticed the one spectator was following him. He slowed down, and the person caught up to BoB. "So, who ya gonna vote for?" BoB asked. "Out of all the candidates there, I'd say the person at the empty podium." "Wha... Celliri? But she not even answer a question! Come on, out of BoB or Evil BoB, who you vote four?" BoB asked. "I guess I'd vote for you then," said the person. "Good! Good choise. BoB thinks someone tried to get rid of whole races of people before... what was dat jerkz name? Hider? Hilter? BoB don't remember, sumthin with a H in it." BoB said, as he unlocked the doors on his escape pod. "Well anyway, good choise picking BoB. Make sure ya vote BoB on election day!" BoB said, as he stepped into his escape pod. The door shut, and the person stood there staring for a second.

After about thirty seconds, BoB stuck his head back out and said: "You better vote BoB, cause dis here a time machine. BoB can just keep comin back, until ya do vote for BoB." BoB said, and then shut the door again. a few seconds later, and there was a huge wheezing noise as the box began to fade. The last thing the person outside heard was BoB talking to himself, saying: "Why it look so different in hear? Oh yeah, dat right! It got repaired! Ohh it look so cool! Actually... on second thought... BoB don't like it." The box was gone, but the wheezing continued for a few seconds.

 

BoB's new escape pod interior will be described next time in: BoB And the Kautionioddities.

Super Secret Ninja BoB

We're sorry there hasn't been a blog since last year, but BoB kidnapped our tech team. How do we know it was BoB? We got this letter in the mail, with letters cut out of magazines.

 

Your tech team haz bean kind nappeded. You will nut find den again unless you leave 10000000000000000000000000004400000006788996432000000 dollarz worth uv bob bucks near dat tree. You no witch 1. You will nevar trace da kind napperer.

Sincerely:

-BoB

 

So, we printed out lots of BoBbucks, and when we saw BoB, we put them under the nearest tree. BoB ran up to it wearing a ninja mask, picked it up and shouted: "DA SPECTACULAR NINJA BOB TAKES DA RANSOM MONEYZ!" and ran off as the cops chased him. He had left a little map to where he was holding the tech team, and we followed it. It lead to a four star hotel, where BoB was paying for ten different rooms, and the team had no idea they were kidnapped; they thought it was just a company vacation. Once they checked out of the hotel, they fixed the servers, and we could do BoBlogs again.

It turns out the latest thing BoB had been doing was running around in a ninja costume, being unsneaky, and blundering around.

It all started when BoB saw a bank robber running off, and BoB wanted to stop him. BoB decided he needed a costume, so he ran inside the nearest thrift store. He grabbed as many costumes as he could, and checked out by putting 742 BoBucks on the counter. He ran out the door and put on a ninja costume. There was no sign of the robber, but BoB had a brilliant idea. "Celliri, where'd da bank robber go?" BoB said into his watch* (*it was made last BoBlog, and is connected with his escape pod). A little map popped up, and BoB followed it. He ran faster than should have been possible, thanks to BoB logic, and caught up to the robber. He jumped on top of a car, did a backflip, and landed in front of the robber. "FREEZE ROBERBOBER!" BoB shouted, and the thief fainted. BoB decided he had to tell the police who caught this criminal, so he wrote a sticky note, put it on the robber's forehead, and ran once he heard sirens.

Later that week, he was wandering about, doing whatever it is he does, and he saw Evil BoB. He knew it couldn't be Evil BoB, but he had to make sure, so he walked over. "Hey, iz ya evil BoB?" BoB asked, and was rewarded with a slap in the face. Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB ran, and BoB ran after them. Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB ran to an abandoned warehouse, with a sign saying: "Do not enter. Absolutely no plans for world domination happening in here."

BoB saw this sign, and decided a disguise would be good. He put on his secret ninja outfit, and charged in. The inside of the building was very dark, with almost no light. As BoB walked in, the door slid shut behind him. He stuck to the shadows, and looked for Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB. While he was looking for Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB, he wasn't looking where he was going, and accidentally walked right into a ladder hanging from a catwalk. He climbed it, and looked around. Still no sign of evil BoB.

He looked where he was going, and saw a beam of light coming from one of the two skylights in the building. He decided he'd have to jump across so he wouldn't be seen. He crouched, and jumped through the beam of light, rolling in a somersault. While this would have looked cool to anyone watching, this made an amazing amount of noise, which BoB didn't think of, due to his lack of foresight. BoB jumped to his feet, and saw something move in the shadows. He quickly, with all the skill his three hours of training gave him, got a plastic throwing star, and threw it. He ran to where he had seen the movement, and saw he just hit a mouse that scampered off when he came close. He continued sneaking, and up ahead he saw another patch of light. He decided he would just run through this one, so he continued running. As he passed into the beam of light at the very center of the warehouse, alarms sounded, and BoB seemed to hit a wall. BoB tried to run backwards, but he was trapped inside the beam of light.

BoB heard evil laughter, and turned to see Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB. "Why hello, you've been trapped!" said Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB. "Why'd you trap BoB dough?" BoB asked. "Ah, yes. This is revenge for sending me up in the sky one that firework," said Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB. "So... do dat mean you iz evil BoB?" "Yes, you incompetent clone!" said Now-Confirmed-as-the-real Evil BoB. "BoB not a clone! In fact, you just a fig of BoB'z magination! BoB knows cuz BoB read it on da internet! How'd you 'scape, and not, ya know, die, by the way?" BoB asked. "I simply used this to escape!" yelled Evil BoB, and held up a watch with a digital screen. "What dat do?" asked BoB. "Brocili, untrap non-evil BoB," said Evil BoB, and the light disappeared. "WHY YA CRAZY RIPPY OFFY EVIL BOB! YA RIPPED OFF BOB'Z WATCH, AND BOB'Z COMPUTER! BOB GONNA SUE! BOB GONNA SUUUUUEEEEEEE!!!!!! CELLIRI, CALL SUE! WHO IZ SUE, BOB DON'T NO, BUT CALL SUE ANYWAY! IF YA GONNA SUE, BETTER ASK SUMONE NAMED SUE!" "Brocili, activate plan number 5835922632!" yelled Evil BoB, and the warehouse shook. Suddenly, a Samurai costume appeared on Evil BoB, and he jumped at BoB with his sword. BoB drew his sword, and blocked Evil BoB's. As they fought, the warehouse kept rumbling, and the walls seemed to be falling away, revealing a void of nothing, with little white lights spinning around in it.

BoB got Evil BoB pinned down and was ready to knock him out, but he had something he had to ask first. "Wat with da void of infinitely swirling inky blackness outside? Like, really? How come nobody saw dat? And why an evil samurai have da power to make infinitely swirling voids of inky blackness?" "Aha! You see, it wasn't really Samurai Evil BoB all along! It was me! Super-villain Evil BoB!" He said, and the Samurai costume burst, and revealed a spandex costume with spiked shoulder pads, a purple cape, and a backwards B in the front. "As long as you are in this other dimensional void for fifteen minutes, you will be trapped forever in the void, and I will be free to do... THINGS! EVIL THINGS! SO LONG, BOB!" yelled Evil BoB. "Brocili, teleport!" Evil BoB said, and disappeared.

"Celliri, Give BoB directions to the real universe again," BoB said, and only got a picture of a sad face, and a recording saying: "The location you are trying to reach seems unavailable from where you are. The location may have been closed, destroyed, or utterly annihilated. Please try again earlier." "Earlier? Celliri, what dat mean?" BoB asked. "You have a time machine. Would you like to use it or not?" came Celliri's reply, and two buttons popped up on the screen of BoB's watch. BoB hit the one that said yes, and there was a wheezing noise, as BoB's escape pod teleported onto the floor.

BoB jumped off the catwalk (with a spectacular backflip), and ran inside the escape pod. "Celliri, will BoB be safe in here?" BoB asked. "Analysis shows 0.0000000000000000000007 percent chance of surviving the void closing in. Best course of action: get out of here." "Oh, fantastic BoBsevation!" BoB said, and started pulling levers randomly (his best course of action for anything). There was a wheezing, and the escape pod took off. It wheezed again, and it had landed. BoB stepped outside, and saw the void had closed in more. "Celliri, what happened?!" BoB asked. "We have appeared in the exact same coordinates, just five minutes later. You have approximately 7 minutes left before complete annihilation. Correction: until you have 0.0000000000000000000007 percent chance of survival."

BoB ran back inside, and started throwing junk out of an old chest in the corner of the control room, until he found a universal remote. "AHA!" BoB screamed, and plugged it into the control console. He pressed a couple buttons on it, and pulled the dematerialization lever. When they landed, BoB stuck his head out, and screamed in rage. He slammed the door, and the escape pod was off again. It rematerialized seconds later, and BoB continued punching buttons at random. "Three minutes to ultimate demise. Recalculating chances of survival. New chance of continued existence: 0.0000000000000000000005 percent." "OH, YOU VERY CHEERFUL, AREN'T YOU?" BoB shouted, and punched buttons on his watch. It opened a GPS, and BoB had an idea. "Celliri, open previous destinations!" BoB said, and a new screen loaded. "AHA! so ya left then, and landed here, so if BoB put in doze coordinates, den just change da time..." BoB said as he pushed buttons with an actual purpose in mind.

"DANGER! FIFTY SECONDS TO ANNIHILATION!"Celliri said. "Oh, stop panicking!" BoB said, and pulled the dematerialization lever. "Thirty!" Wheeze...Wheeze...Wheeze... went the escape pod. "Fifteen!" The wheezing noises were getting louder now, as if the escape pod was being held back. BoB turned on the screen to show the invisible security camera's view, and saw the void had consumed all of the warehouse except for one circle of ground around the escape pod. "SEVEN!" The wheezes were almost unbearably loud now, and the ground was almost out of the security camera's view. "FIVE! FOUR!" The wheezing was way to loud now, and the sound echoed in the domed control room. "ALL UNNECESSARY SYSTEMS SHUTTING DOWN. REROUTING ALL POWER TO TAKE OFF. SORRY BOB, THAT MICROWAVEABLE BURRITO WILL HAVE TO WAIT." The central column was rising and falling faster than it ever had, and with a noise like a small explosion, a crack appeared, glass shards flew everywhere, and turquoise energy whipped through the air. There was a rushing noise, the control room rumbled, and flames shot out of the console. 

BoB was awoken from being unconscious from the loud beeping of the Wii U installed in the escape pod. He got to his feet, and ran outside. He quickly grabbed a fire extinguisher hidden in a panel on the outside, and ran inside to put out the fire. Once the fire was put out, BoB saw the whole control room was in ruins, and was totally unusable. He checked to see if any of the other rooms were better, but the hallway had caved in at the first intersection. BoB walked back to the control room, and turned on his watch. "Celliri, iz ya dare?" BoB asked. He waited, but there was no response but static. "Celliri?" Still no answer. BoB looked around, and the only thing he saw that was still standing was the table that had the microwave on it. BoB walked over there, and saw his half cooked microwave burrito was still in there. "Celliri?" BoB tried one more time into the watch, and when there was no answer, turned to leave.

As the was about to open the doors, he heard a soft humming behind him, and turned around. He saw the light in the microwave was on, and the burrito was spinning. BoB ran back, and heard a beeping coming from his watch. He looked at the screen, and there was a message. "Plug your watch into the escape pod now." BoB got the charger, and plugged the watch in. The screen flashed millions of colors at once, and a pinging noise came from it. BoB heard a creaking noise, and saw the central column was falling. It crashed to the ground, and as the glass cracked, there was a rushing noise. Soon the whole control room was filled with a light blue mist. A screen popped up on the watch, that said: "update complete."

"Celliri, iz ya dare now?" BoB asked into the watch. "No." came a voice from the watch. "Oh... okay den." BoB said, and walked out of the control room. "Wait a minute! Den who dare on da watch?" BoB asked. "Nobody." "Who Nobody? BoB looking for Celliri." "Who did you think this was?" "Ya said it was Nobody. Iz dat Celliri?" "No." "Was dat sarcasm?" "Yes." BoB jumped around the control room in happiness, and only stopped once he noticed the microwave was beeping.

He got his burrito out, and then pressed a button on the watch. "Celliri wook upf mwumpf fungmph shup phadipf," BoB said while chewing his burrito. "No no no, BoB not say upf mwumpf fungmph shup phadipf, BoB said how to redecorate a scape pod!" The page reloaded, and a button popped up on the watch. BoB hit it, and the GPS popped up. "The shortest path to not getting destroyed is right outside the door. Walk 10 feet, open the doors, close the doors, and you will have reached your destination. Unless you want to get destroyed, then that bit is entirely up to you."

BoB ran out of the doors as the inside of the escape pod started to glow white, and quickly shut the doors. "Celliri, Why BoB not allowed in?" BoB asked. "The escape pod is repairing itself. The result is white hot lasers flying through there, and various mechanical parts." "Okay den, while da scape pod fixes, BoB gonna do some ninjaing." BoB suddenly remembered he had taken the mask off earlier, as they took off, and he started to panic. "OH NO, DA WORLD CAN SEE NINJA BOB WITH NO MASK! DIS NOT NINJA BOB, NOPE! YOU NOT SEEIN NINJA BOB WITH NO MASK, NOPE!" BoB shouted as he ran off. "LOOK AWAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" He yelled as he ran down the street, to nowhere in particular.

BoB's Final Time Travel Adventure (for a while anyway) (Part 2)

As BoB's escape pod was rammed by Evil BoB's, one of Celliri's computers flicked on, and a loading bar appeared, unnoticed by BoB. BoB's whole escape pod was upside down, and BoB was clinging onto the controls for dear life. BoB started mashing buttons with one hand, hoping something would happen. The TV screen built into the wall turned on, and showed what was happening outside. BoB saw the orange tunnel of energy, and then Evil BoB's escape pod came into view. "DAZE GONNA RAM BOB AGA-" BoB shouted, but was cut off as there was a crashing noise, and the whole escape pod rocked back and forth. On the TV screen, BoB saw the escape pod was hurtling towards the edge of the tunnel of energy, and expected the escape pod to explode when it touched the energy. Fortunately for BoB, the escape pod's emergency systems kicked in, and they rematerialized, but not before a shower of sparks flew out of the control panel. Gravity righted itself, and BoB was brought back down on the floor of his escape pod. "All write, time to see where BoB landed," he said to himself, and opened the doors.

He put one foot outside, and all that was there was open air. He looked down, and saw he had materialized right on the edge of a cliff, and the doors were facing the wrong way. He climbed back inside, and tried the dematerialize, but there was a stuttering noise, and the lights flickered. "Celliri, wat goin on?" asked BoB. "The other escape pod ramming us has purposefully corrupted the time circuits, and the safety protocols prevent dematerialization when vital systems are damaged,"said Celliri. "But something good did come out of the other escape pod ramming us. When the exteriors collided, I was able to connect to the other escape pod's systems, and downloaded a new update. It contained the blueprints for a watch that is linked to all escape pod systems, allowing you to control them from even the exterior. You can even contact me from it," said Celliri, and out of the control panel popped a digital watch, with buttons on every side. BoB put it on, and walked outside. He remembered that he couldn't walk outside, so he grabbed on to one side of the exterior, and crawled along there, until he was on firm ground again.

"Celliri, can you hear BoB?" BoB asked into the watch. "Yes. Waiting to receive orders," said Celliri through the watch. "Good. Cloze da doors so nobody can get in fur now. Well, how dey would get in even if da door was open is a mystery, but still," BoB said, and heard the doors swing closed. "Oh, and uh, wat year iz this, and where iz BoB?" BoB asked. "The year is 45,000 B.C, and you have been here before, but it was a little later, in Roman times," Celliri said. "Hmmm..." muttered BoB. "Ya mean the place where da big boulder almost fell on horses?" BoB asked. "Yes, that is correct." BoB thought for a second, and thought of something (which is really hard for him). "GOOD! Activate sum mathey stuffz, and figure out where dat boulder started rolling then! Once dat's dun, activate a GPS and lead BoB right to there!" BoB shouted. Once the calculations were complete, BoB started running towards the red dot on the map the watch screen was showing, which wasn't far away.

When BoB got there, he grabbed the largest boulder he could find, and put it right smack dab in the middle of where the one boulder had allegedly started rolling. "Celliri, doez dis watch have a lazer cutter on it?" BoB asked, and suddenly a red light on the front of the watch lit up, and fired a laser. BoB got to work, and started carving the boulder to look like his head. "Celliri, do more math stuff and figure out what BoB wood half to do to make dis boulder fall off dis hill on da same day it did before," BoB said. "But that is messing with the space time continuum, putting this rock here to save yourself!" said Celliri *. (* If you haven't figured it out by now, read BoB's "BoB in Rome" BoBlogs) "But it already happened, so it gotta happen!" BoB said. Celliri couldn't argue with that logic, and the instructions popped up on the screen.

When BoB was done he tuned around, and saw some prehistoric people behind him, about to thrust a spear through him. "BoB don't wanna be a shishkaBoB! Celliri, turn da laser on again!" BoB yelled, and shot the laser at the spear.  While the prehistoric people were confused, he ran back towards his escape pod, and saw they were following him. Soon he saw the escape pod again, and put on more speed.

Once he was there, he grabbed onto the side, and inched towards the doors. "Celliri, open up!" said BoB, and the doors swung open. He got inside and quickly closed the doors, and got to the control panel, trying to figure out his next move. Suddenly, everything shook, and BoB turned on the invisible security camera. He saw that the two prehistoric people were lifting the exterior, and pushing them off the cliff. "Interior stabilization, engaged," said Celliri, and everything stopped tilting inside. "Why can't ya do dat when BoB'z in flight?" BoB asked. "Because the systems are trying hard enough to even stay in flight when you are flying," said Celliri.

Suddenly, on BoB's security camera, there was only sky showing. "They have tipped the escape pod. Flight systems activating. Crash in Five... Four..." said Celliri. BoB ran around mashing buttons, and it seemed to do something. "Three, anti-gravity thrusters activating," said Celliri, trying to say two different things at once. "TWO, Thrusters online, ONE.... Crisis averted. Flight mode activated. Altitude: 500 feet," said Celliri. BoB opened the doors, and saw they were indeed flying. "OH! BoB haz a idea!" BoB said, and shut the doors. "Go fast az possible to anywhere dat will be da USA in 2015, and haz a storm... storming right now!" BoB said, and felt himself being pushed backwards. "You have arrived at your destination," said Celliri, and BoB felt the escape pod land.

He opened the doors, and started pushing the DeLorean (which had started this whole mess, way back in our BoB to the Future BoBlog) out the doors. BoB then ran back inside, got everything metal he could get his hands on, a long rope, and some duct tape, and ran outside into the rain again. He tied the rope around the DeLorean, and the other end to the light at the top of his escape pod. Then, he duct taped everything metal into as tall a tower as he could, and duct taped that to the light on top of the escape pod. He got in the DeLorean, set the time circuits for October 21st, 4:29 P.M. (remember, this takes place before the couple paragraphs of the BoB to the future BoBlog, so he wasn't there yet) and left the door open. He then ran back inside the escape pod, activated flight mode, and shot straight up.

"What are you doing?" asked Celliri. "Trying to time travel with two brokan time machinez! BoB'z DeLorean need power, but it have none... but BoB gonna fix dat! Iz dat az high az we can fly and still keep da DeLorean on the ground?" BoB asked. "Yes," said Celliri as BoB walked towards the still open doors, putting gloves on. "You still did not answer my question," said Celliri. "BoB gonna put it another way then," BoB said. "Finding Evil BoB, and getting out of here," he said, as he jumped, and closed the doors in mid air. 

As he plummeted, the grabbed on to the long rope, slowing his fall, and after a while, landed back on solid ground. He quickly got in the DeLorean, and started driving in circles, until he hit 88 miles per hour. He looked out a window, saw a flash of lightning, and hoped it would work. The lightning hit the tall metal pole attached to the top of the escape pod, electrocuted the rope attached to the DeLorean, which gave it the power it needed to time travel. As soon as there was a flash of light, he entered flight mode, and pressed the button that immediately teleported his escape pod into the DeLorean, so he wouldn't leave it behind.

Unfortunately, he crashed into another flying DeLorean time machine that appeared in front of him. BoB quickly got in his escape pod, and was thankful he had called it back inside the car. He hit some buttons, and with a screeching, wheezing noise, it dematerialized, with Celliri trying to keep the whole system from exploding.

It teleported right under his car, hovering in mid air with the flight function, and the car fell through the doors, saving it from smashing into a million pieces. BoB pressed another button, and his escape pod dematerialized again, the lightbulb on top blowing out. 

BoB Suddenly heard Evil BoB's escape pod wheezing into existence, and it materialized right next to BoB's. Evil BoB must have seen BoB on the security camera, because it soon dematerialized again. "Celliri, open da doors! BoB not letting him get way dis time!" BoB said, and drove the DeLorean inside. The doors swung shut, and BoB pulled the dematerialization lever. With the most terrible screeching noise imaginable, BoB's escape pod took off, and everything started sparking. "System calculations say that unless some external variable happens, we will not be able to materialize again because of the corruption to the time circuits. Due to this danger, my system will be pushed to it's limits, and unable to function properly," Celliri said. "BoB better find a way to fix da timey wimey thing den!" BoB said, and grabbed the joystick.

He used the radar screen to find where evil BoB's escape pod was, and when he saw it, he rammed it as hard as possible. It seemed impossible to pull away at first, but when he did, there was a scratch in Evil BoB's escape pod, letting BoB see the inside, where Evil BoB was panicking. "I have an idea. It is beyond my system functions to do so, but I have an idea. You must ram him again, and whatever you do, do not break contact with the other escape pod," said Celliri, and BoB pushed on the joystick so hard, the plastic started to crack. There was a crunch, and on BoB's TV, Evil BoB's escape pod was covered by a black and purple beam, and when it faded away, Evil BoB's escape pod had stalled. "Quickly, pull away, then ram him again!" Ordered Celliri, and BoB, always happy for an excuse to ram something, rammed it again. It spun towards the edge of the tunnel, but a pure white portal appeared, and sucked it inside. BoB flew his escape pod in after it, and the portal closed up.

"Celliri, what was that about?" BoB asked. "When we rammed him the second time I blasted the corruption back through the crack, and into the other Escape Pod's systems. That rendered it helpless, and when we rammed it, I opened a portal to the nearest weak point in time," explained Celliri. "So, what iz da weakest point in time closest?" BoB asked. "Time is always weakest right before a new year comes around. According to my calculations, that is December 31st, 2015, 11:58 P.M." said Celliri. There was a wheezing noise as they landed, and BoB saw that Evil BoB had already landed, and was running from his escape pod.

Not wasting a second, BoB ran out of his, and went after Evil BoB. Evil BoB jumped the fence to a place saying "DANGER: FIREWORKS" on it. BoB jumped it, too, and continued running. "Celliri, After BoB'z done here, calculate exactly how long it was since BoB first left, and when BoB will take off again, den return home to dat point in time, so BoB on schedule with current time," BoB said into the watch. When BoB looked up, he saw that Evil BoB was gone. He looked around, trying to figure out where Evil BoB had went, when Evil BoB pinned him to a huge rocket shaped firework behind him. 

"Aha! You followed me here, huh? Well guess what? When this firework goes off at midnight, you're going to explode with it!" said Evil BoB.  BoB struggled against Evil BoB, and managed to pin him to the rocket. It flew up, with both BoB and Evil BoB on it. Evil BoB was plastered to the front, screaming, while BoB yelled into the watch "CELLIRI, AT EXACTLY MIDNIGHT, TELEPORT BOB! IF BOB NOT TELEPORTED: POW POW BAM BAM BYE BYE BOB!" BoB yelled into the watch. BoB heard people counting down below him, and got ready. "Three!" BoB started counting with them. "Two!!!" "ONE!!!!!!! SMAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!" BoB yelled, right before the firework exploded.

BoB was teleported to outside his escape pod, and saw that having Evil BoB on the fire work made it explode into a huge picture of BoB's head. BoB turned, and walked inside his escape pod.  Celliri had already calculated it down to the second of how long BoB had been gone. There was a wheezing noise, and the Escape Pod dematerialized, back into 2015.

 

The E-

BoB walked around the corner, from where he had been hiding since exactly 5 minutes and 37 seconds earlier, after the escape pod landed there. "Aw, BoB missed telling everybody Smappy New Year," BoB said sadly. 

The En-

"WAIT! BOB'Z IN UTAH! IF BOB HURRY AND DRIVE DARE IN DA DELOREAN, BOB MIGHT GET IN DA OTHER TIME ZONE IN TIME!" BoB said, driving out the doors of the escape pod, pushing the button in the DeLorean to summon the escape pod. As he went over 100 miles per hour towards Nevada, the last thing that could be heard was BoB shouting "SMAPPY NEW YEAR!"

BoB's Final Time Travel Adventure (for a while anyway) (Part 1)

Last week, as you recall, BoB jousted, nearly got burned at the stake by crazy medieval people, and decided he would fight the dragon if they let him go. They agreed, and BoB fought the dragon, only to find it was Evil BoB in a robotic dragon suit. Evil BoB had gotten in his evil version of BoB's escape pod (a smaller-on-the-outside Paramedic Personal Call Box) and flew into the sky. BoB chased after him in his escape pod, and tried to ram him. Before he could, Evil BoB dematerialized, and BoB did, too, in order to chase him. As soon as BoB did, he heard a crashing noise, and his whole escape pod shook.

"Oooh, dat dan Evul BoB!" BoB shouted to nobody. BoB was running around the control panel, pushing buttons and pulling levers, pretending he knew what he was doing, and looked a the Wii U game pad that displayed the picture for his security camera,where he saw bits of rainbowy debris floating all around his escape pod outside. "Celliri, analyze dat floaty stuffz out dare," BoB said into a microphone on the control panel. "Analysis complete. It appears to be debris from some form of bomb." said Celliri, BoB's computer system. "BoB-Omb!" BoB shouted randomly, and went back to the controls.  

He pulled on the joystick, but nothing happened. "Celliri, why BoB not movin?" BoB asked. "The explosion seems to have stalled the flight circuits. We can not move anywhere currently," said Celliri. "Hmmmm...." said BoB, as he thought (which took all of his brain power). "Aha! Celliri, is it safe to go out there?" BoB asked. "No. The debris seems to be giving off an unidentified form of radiation. It would not be wise to go out there," said Celliri. "Oh well, dat's to bad. BoB would have liked if it were safe," BoB said, as he tied a rope from under the control panel to the inside of his escape pod. "What are you doing?" asked Celliri. "Jumping!" BoB said, as he jumped out the now open doors. "Gearomino!" BoB yelled, as he fell. "The correct word is Geronimo," said Celliri, But BoB didn't hear.

BoB was now floating under his escape pod, in the orange tunnel of energy surrounding everything. BoB reached out, and tried to grab a piece of debris, but it seemed to float farther away. BoB realized the debris wan't floating away, he and his his escape pod were. He saw that his escape pod was floating towards a sheer drop down a tube of fire. He realized he had to hurry up, and snatched desperately at debris. He finally grabbed a piece, and started climbing his rope. He got to the top, and started climbing in, pushing the debris forward first. Once he got in, he shut the doors quickly, and was safe once again.

"Celliri, analyze wat dis ding iz doing so the scape pod can't move," BoB said. "I can not do it. The radiation seems to prevent me," said Celliri. "Hmmmm... maybe BoB can reverse the polarity of the moron flow..." BoB said, and got his magic wand out of one of his smaller-on-the-outside-pockets. He tapped the debris, and the rainbow glow faded from it. "Item analyzed. Reversing it's commands.... The Escape pod should be able to move again." "Celliri, find the machine dis was lunched from, and track it," BoB said. "Tracking now," said Celliri, and the floor shook as they were in motion. On the Wii U screen, BoB saw Evil BoB's green escape pod, and grabbed the joystick. BoB pushed forwards, and rammed Evil BoB's escape pod. At  least he thought so, but he heard a wheezing noise, and figured out that Evil BoB had rematerialized. BoB did so too, grabbed something off the control panel, and walked to the doors. He opened them, and next to him was a green Paramedic Personal Call Box. He noticed the ground was covered in purple sand, and realized he wasn't on earth anymore.

BoB knocked on it, and waited. "Hello? Iz dare anyone home? Dis iz a flower delivery," he said when there was no response. There was a wheezing noise, and Evil BoB's escape pod was gone. BoB got back in his own escape pod, and took off again. "BoB put a tracking device on Evil BoB'z scape pod, so now BoB can track dem!" BoB said to Celliri. BoB looked on an old fashioned radar screen, and saw the dot was close to his. "Dat odd... It like he really near BoB..." BoB said, and the whole room spun as his escape pod was rammed by Evil BoB's.

 

To be continued...

King BoB? (Part 2)

BoB's black armor-clad opponent had his horse charge to the other end of the stadium, as BoB tried to get on his horse. It took five minutes, but BoB got on the horse and went to his end of the stadium. BoB grabbed his lance, someone blew a horn, and BoB's opponent came at BoB. BoB's horse charged forwards, and BoB hit his opponent's helmet, at the same time as his opponent glanced BoB's arm. BoB saw the helmet flying up, and tried to catch it on the end of his lance. To do this, he jumped off his horse, and lunged for it. He got the helmet on the end of the lance, and looked down. He saw he was falling towards his opponent's horse, and grabbed the nearest thing is sight, which happened to be the horse's tail. BoB swung under the horse, and grabbed on for dear life. This scared the horse, and it started bucking wildly, throwing the rider off, and knocking him unconscious. BoB accidentally lost his grip, and the horse ran out of the stadium. "And the winner is... That Thing!" yelled the announcer over the booing of the crowd. BoB jumped around happily, and then saw the tiny little cut on his arm. "AIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! BOB HAZ A BOO BOO!" BoB yelled, and fainted.

When BoB came to, it was night, and there was a blazing fire in front of him, with hundreds of people around it. BoB tried to move, but realized he was tied up. "Uh, could BoB umpire as to why BoB iz tied up, and ta what dat fire iz four?" BoB asked, and scared some people. "It's awake!" yelled on person. "Quick, throw it in the fire!" yelled another. "WAIT WAIT WAIT! Iz dare anythig else great heroic knighty knight BoB can help ya with?" BoB asked, as two people started to lift him up. "Well, you could help us get rid of the dragon..." said one. "YES! GOOD! Deal!" BoB said. "Now, can sum one untie BoB, and not bake BoB?" BoB said, and people started untying BoB. "Tanks fur not baking BoB. Plus, BoB wouldn't make good firewood," BoB said. "Now, in da morning, BoB go and fight a dragen!" BoB yelled.

In the morning, BoB woke up from sleeping on a bed he had in his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. He saw a horse tied to a tree, with a lance and armor leaning by the tree. BoB figured the villagers left them there for him, and BoB prepared for his quest by eating a nutritious breakfast of armor before he set out towards the mountains the villagers said the dragon was hiding in.

When BoB got there, he did the smart thing, and bellowed: "HEY DRAGEN, GET YER BUM OUT HERE AN' FITE BOB!" He heard a roar, and the dragon came out of the cave in front of BoB. BoB had his horse back halfway down the hill, and started whimpering. After a great big battle (which mostly consisted of BoB waving the lance around, saying: "pleaze don't eat BoB!" and running away every time the dragon blew fire, BoB's horse charged towards the dragon (which was a complete accident) and BoB stabbed it in the knee. There was a crackling noise, and BoB turned around. Instead of bleeding, there were wires, pouring green goop all over, and severed electrical wires sparking where the skin was torn off. Curious, BoB hopped off his horse, grabbed an electrical wire, and stuck it in the goop. With a ZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTT the dragon lit up like a christmas tree, jerked around, and crashed to the ground.

BoB walked up to the fallen dragon, and saw a window in its neckt. Suddenly, the neck opened up with a hiss of steam, and inside was a green rectangular box, "Paramedic Personal Call Box" written across the top. BoB opened the door, and saw that it was smaller-on-the-outside to. "Yeah, hi, would you mind moving away from that?" came a voice from behind BoB. BoB turned around, and saw Evil BoB standing there, holding a laser. "Water you doing here?" asked BoB. "Oh, just hurting innocent people, stealing anicent treasures, that sort of thing. Now, move!" said Evil BoB, waving the ray gun. BoB wisely moved out of the way, and evil BoB jumped in his escape pod rip-off. BoB ran back to his escape pod as quickly as he could, jumped through the doors, and started it up. He turned on a Wii U gamepad that would display whatever was on his invisible security camera, and saw Evil BoB's escape pod flying off. 

BoB put his escape pod in flight mode, and took off into the sky. The outside of his escape pod was spinning rapidly, but somehow the invisible security camera stayed in the same place (don't even ask how that works, I don't know). BoB kept pushing buttons, pulling levers, and other things to keep it in the air. Just as BoB was about to ram Evil BoB's escape pod, Evil BoB's escape pod dematerialized, and BoB went into thin air. "OH NO YA DON'T!" BoB yelled, and dematerialized after Evil BoB. BoB was rather pleased with himself, until he heard a crash. Everything shook, and alarm bells started ringing.

 

To be continued...

King BoB? (Part 1)

Last week, as you recall, BoB went Black Friday shopping (nearly getting himself killed) and took off in his escape pod to get to Back To The Future day [remember, this takes place before the last paragraph of the "BoB to the Future!" BoBlog] but evidently it failed, and where he landed smelled so bad, he had to put an air freshener around his neck, just so he could bear to explore.

BoB walked out of his escape pod, looked around, and saw he was on a tall grassy hill, and in the distance, he could see the towers of a castle. Having nothing better to do, BoB ran towards the castle, figuring he could cause trouble there. As soon as he got into town, someone screamed: "That thing's smile stretches off it's face! Witchcraft!" and soon BoB was surrounded by an angry mob of people, holding pitchforks and unlit torches.

"Hey, yer flame sticks aren't on fire," BoB said, pointing to the torches. "BoB'll fix dat four you dough!" BoB said, and pulled a lighter out of his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. He light a torch using it, and everyone gasped, and backed up. "What'z yer BoBlemz? IT just a lighter. Eveyone need one fur if dey get in a mergengy!" BoB said, but the people closed in on him. "This is witchcraft!" yelled one of the people. "Uh, no, it a lighter. Man, you DUM!" BoB said. "We must burn the witch at the stake!" yelled another person. "Oooooh, BoB like steak. And witches. Well, only if dey in Harry Potter, or if it at Halloween. OH! BoB got it now! BoB landed in da middle ages! And ya don't like Harry Potter here, cuz yer MEANIEZ! Oh, uh BoB'z also not a witch, so don't kill BoB, pleaze?" BoB said.

"If you aren't a witch then what are you?" asked another person. "Oh, uh BoBz a uh... KNIGHT! Yes! Yes, dat what BoB iz! A knight! Knighty knight, knight!" BoB said. "If you are a knight, you must prove it! You must joust our champion, the one and only, the best in the world.....Fred!" said a person. "Fred not a very cool or heroic name," BoB observed. "Maybe dey need some cool name like.... BoB! Oh wait, dat one taken..." "You dare to make fun of Fred?" asked someone. "Um, no. But... what if BoB win dis jousting match? BoB nose what happen if BoB looze, cuz BoB dies den, but what if BoB win? Can BoB go away den?" BoB asked. "No, because you already expressed your support of witchcraft, so we will still burn you at the stake!" yelled someone. "And what if BoB refuse, cuz dare no upside fur BoB," BoB said. "Then we burn you right here and now!" said the person. "Alright alright, BoB accept," BoB said. "Just put da pointy things away." "You will go to the equipment tent at noon, and be ready to joust half an hour after!" said a person, and the crowd dissipated.

BoB could have just went back to his escape pod, but being BoB, he forgot this, and went towards the equipment tent near some sort of stadium. When he got there, he saw there was a buffet of metal lying around for him, so he wouldn't have to go to battle on an empty stomach. When he was done, someone came in, and started shouting at him. "Why aren't you ready? The whole stadium is waiting, and you haven't even put your armor on!" yelled the person. "What armor?" Asked BoB, then remembered his buffet. "Oooooh, dat armor..." "You have to joust, armor or no armor!" yelled the person, and pushed BoB out the tent. "BoB not ready yet!" BoB yelled. "He's ready!" yelled the person who had pushed BoB out of the tent. "Then let's begin," said BoB's opponent, dressed in full armor, and on a black horse. "BoB still wazn't ready..."

To be continued.....

BoBlack Friday

Last week as you recall, BoB asked his computer system (that is able to think for itself) to go to a place with nice fresh air. This apparently failed, and BoB put a little pine tree air freshener around his neck.

BoB stepped outside the escape pod doors and saw... a tiled bathroom wall. BoB took a step further outside, and saw he was in a bathroom. BoB ran outside the bathroom, and saw that he was in some store. BoB ran to the automatic sliding doors, got outside, and looked at the sign. BoB gasped, and ran back into what the sign said was Walmart. BoB ran back into the bathroom his escape pod, closed the door, replaced the little pine tree air freshener where it belonged, and checked the date on an iPad on the control console. It said that the date was November 24th, 2015. This reminded BoB of something, so he searched on google. "AHA! Back Fry day iz in two dayz! But wait...it woodn't be friday then..." BoB said. "BoB'll juzt wait too dayz, and get sum good stuff!" BoB said.

BoB suddenly heard a knock on the doors, and went towards them. "Hello?" BoB called out, keeping the door closed. "Iz ya a scary monster come to eat BoB?" BoB asked. "Is that stall taken?" asked someone from outside. "What?" BoB said, and swung the door open sticking his head outside. BoB saw the bathroom was packed full of people, and the person who had knocked thought his escape pod was a bathroom stall. "Yeah, it iz taken! NOW GO AWAY!" BoB yelled and slammed the door.

"BoB won't stay here four two dayz!" BoB said, and his escape pod hovered in the air. "BYEBYE, SUCKERZ!" BoB yelled, and flew his escape pod out the wall. "Oopz, rong button," BoB said, and hit a different button. "Celliri, take BoB to Black Fry day in 2015, one hour before they open," BoB said into the little microphone. There was no response, so BoB repeated himself. There was still no response, and BoB remembered that after using the emergency take off button, his automated computer system couldn't do anything for another 24 hours. "Oh, datz right! BoB have to fly it BoB'z self!" BoB said, and pressed the dematerialize button.

"WAIT! COME BACK!" BoB heard someone shout, so he turned on the invisible security camera, and watched on his iPad. BoB saw that the person who had mistaken his escape pod for a bathroom stall was outside, after he ran out the hole in the wall BoB's escape pod made.  "COME BACK MY MAGICAL FLYING TOILET!" the person yelled. "DON'T DEMATERIALIZE, COME BACK!" they yelled as they grabbed on to the outside, because it was still solid. The person dematerialized with the escape pod because they were holding on, and BoB got mad. "GET OFF DA SCAPE POD BEFORE BOB KICK YA OFF!" BoB yelled. When the person said nothing, and tried to open the doors, BoB got really mad.

BoB walked over to the doors, and swung them open suddenly. The person couldn't hang on, and fell off, screaming curses as they fell towards the bottom of the strange tube of storm clouds that BoB's escape pod was surrounded by. "WELL, BOB THOUGHT YA WANTED THE DOORS OPEN! WELL, NOW THEY OPEN!" BoB yelled out the doors. The person vanished from sight, and BoB closed the doors. "Now, BoB gotta try and fly towards da inside of dat Walmart on November 25th, at 5:30 P.M." BoB said, and pulled on a joystick on the control panel. BoB felt the whole inside of his escape pod tilt, and figured he was using the right joystick. BoB kept pulling the joystick, and pushing buttons randomly, until he pulled on a lever with a sticky note with "BrAKe" written on it. BoB figured he must be about the time he wanted, so he pushed the rematerialize button, and his escape pod started wheezing.

BoB opened the doors, and stepped outside. BoB saw the store was dark, and figured that was a good sign. BoB turned around, saw that the doors were not that far away, and that every employee was outside, trying to stop people from killing other people cutting in line. "KEEP CALM, JUST 30 MINUTES UNTILL THE STORE OPENS!" yelled one of the employees through a mega phone. "Half an hour? Dat closer dan BoB got to BoB'z destination time before!" BoB said, then thought about what he should do. BoB was afraid some crazy shopper would think his escape pod was for sale, and try and take it. BoB had to hide is somewhere, but how? BoB would have just flown the escape pod somewhere else, but people would have heard him take off, and he figured the employees would throw him out. BoB ran off to where the arts and crafts stuff was, got some supplies, and ran back to his escape pod. 25 minutes later, he was done, and his escape pod was decorated like a photo booth. 

"FIVE MORE MINUTES!" an employee yelled, and BoB ran away after grabbing a cart, so he wouldn't get trampled. BoB ran off towards where the crockpots were, and heard a herd of Black Friday shoppers coming his way. Once the first ones came into view, he  jumped into the crowd, and grabbed a crockpot. He ran off, but someone tried to take his crockpot out of his hands. "What do you need a crockpot for?" said the person. "Uh, for kookin BoB'z crockz in, duh," BoB responded, and pulled the crockpot away from the other person. "Oh, dat remindz BoB, BoB gotta get sum crock shooes later too!" BoB said. "But first, da high priority itemz!" BoB said, and took off towards the electronics area. First thing BoB grabbed was a new iPad, so he could use it in his escape pod. Next, he grabbed one of every Skylander, Lego Dimensions pack, and Amiibo (including the modern Mario). Just for grabbing the Modern Mario, the Amiibo collectors chased after him. BoB also grabbed a Wii U, and then ran out of the electronics section.

BoB stopped for a quick detour in the auto aisle and got some stuff to repair his DeLorean. The other shoppers were rapidly gaining on him, and BoB was afraid he couldn't outrun them. BoB pushed on his cart as fast as he could go, and jumped in his cart. Unfortunately for BoB, the person behind him copied him, and he was in his cart, chasing after BoB. BoB's cart was going down the aisle with the cleaning products, so BoB grabbed a mop, and turned, so he could jab the other person, but they had already grabbed a mop, and their mops met in mid air. BoB tuned his head, and saw a turn was coming up. BoB timed it just right, and pushed off the wall with his mop. His cart turned, but once again, the other person copied BoB."OH, so ya want dis to be like a chariot fight in ancient Rome? Fine! BoB was dare! BoB has much more experience with that than you!" BoB yelled. BoB continued jabbing at them with his mop, and turned when necessary.

BoB stuck his mop down in front of the other person's cart, which caused them to flip. "HA!" BoB yelled, and turned around. BoB saw he was entering the shoe aisle, and got ready to get his pair of Crocs. BoB's cart whizzed by, and he grabbed them. "YES!" BoB yelled triumphantly, but then noticed his cart was slowing down. The crowd had almost caught up to BoB, so BoB jumped out, and ran towards the checkout lane. Suddenly, something whizzed past his ear, and buried itself in the wall. BoB saw it was a kitchen knife. BoB looked behind him, and saw that most of the crowd now had kitchen knives to throw at him.

BoB abandoned his plan of checking out like a normal person, and dashed towards his escape pod, because he really needed to escape from this situation. He reached a hand in his pocket, threw down some money, and said: "Employeeze, dis should pay four it all!" BoB reached into his pocket again, and got out the remote control keys. He pressed the "door open" button, and got in as the doors swung open. He immediately pressed the door close button, and the doors swung closed. He activated the invisible security camera, and saw people throwing knives at the escape pod. Suddenly, someone was showing up on the camera, and pounded on the doors. "You're 15 cents short!" yelled a security guard. BoB suddenly recognized who the security guard was. "Mr.Reallyangryfornogoodreasonmeaniepantz? Iz dat you?" BoB asked. "OH my god! It's that thing!" Mr.Reallyangryfornogoodreasonmeaniepantz yelled. BoB pressed the dematerialize button, and heard knives clatter to the floor.

"Where too next?" BoB asked himself. "Wait! BoB remember! BoB was going to October 21st, 4:29 P.M!*" [*remember that this takes place before the last paragraph of the BoB to the Future BoBlog] BoB said, and tried to fly the escape pod. He rematerialized it, and said to himself: "Dat was hard wurk." "You could have asked me to fly it." said BoB's computer system. "Why didn't ya tell BoB dat?" BoB asked. "You did not ask," said the computer.  "Don't be all logic al on BoB! And BoB thought ya were in sleep mode!" BoB yelled. "I was, but it was only for two hours," said the computer. "But da instuctun manual say 24!" BoB said. "The instruction manual is wrong," replied the computer. "Whatever," BoB said, and walked towards the doors. He opened them, then immediately closed them. "What is wrong?" asked the computer system. "It STINKZ out there!" BoB yelled, and put the air freshener around his neck.

BoB in Rome (part 3)

Last week as you recall, BoB took off in his DeLorean and traveled fifty years into the future. Unfortunately for him, he hit a building, and broke his DeLorean.

BoB climbed out of his DeLorean, and assessed the damage. "Oooooh... Dat could be baaaaaaad." BoB said to himself. "BoB better get it inside BoBz 'scape pod, so BoB can 'scape!" BoB said, and got inside. He hit the button labeled; "'scape from Lorian", and the escape pod was outside. BoB pushed his ruined DeLorean through the doors, and tried to figure out how he would time travel. "BoB accidently tore out the time travel tube* [*read last BoBlog for details] so BoBz turdiz/scape pod can't time travel, and BoB'z da Lorian is broken... OOH! Maybe BoB can ooze duck tape!" BoB said to himself. BoB checked his smaller-on-the-outside pockets, but only found a small piece of duct tape attached to the roll. "Ooooh... Dat right, BoB oozed it all to fix da scape pod," BoB said.  "Maybe BoB can borrow sum!" BoB said, and dashed to the doors. "Hey, do any body have sum duck tape BoB could borrow?" BoB yelled out the doors. People looked at him like he was crazy, and then suddenly screamed at the top of their lungs.

"Wat rong?" BoB asked, and stepped out of the escape pod. BoB saw that right next to the spot where his DeLorean crashed, there was a picture chiseled into the wall of a car with flames around it, and BoB in the drivers seat. "Nah... not BoBish enough... needs something else," BoB said, and got a hammer and a chisel out of his smaller on the outside pockets. BoB started chiseling away, and when he was done, there was a sound bubble with the words; "LXXXVIII MILES PER HOUR!" "OOOOOH! IT'S HIM! THE GOD OF CRAZINESS!"

BoB heard people shouting. BoB turned around, and saw a bunch of Ancient Romans behind him. "Quickly, you must come with us to the angry mountain!" yelled one of the Romans, and grabbed BoB's arm. "But what if BoB only nee-" BoB started, but got cut off. "NO TIME FOR EXPLANATIONS, GO GO GO!" yelled the crazy Roman.

Once they had climbed to the top of the mountain, BoB looked down, and saw that there was a huge hole in the center of the mountain. "Well, darez yer BoBlem! The mountain angry cuz it have a big hole in it head!" BoB said. Suddenly, the mountain rumbled, and BoB almost fell over. "It's been growling like that for days!" said one of the Romans after everything stopped shaking. "Dis should fix dat," BoB said, and picked up a rock. "HEY YOU IN THERE!" BoB yelled into the hole. "YEAH, YOU MOUNTAIN! STOP GROWLING AND SCARING PEPELZ LIKE DAT! IF YA DON'T STOP NOW, BOB GONNA THROW DIS BIG ROCK AT YA, OKAY?" The mountain shook again, and BoB threw the rock in. "BOB WARNED YA!" BoB said, and the mountain shook again. BoB looked down in the hole, and saw a reddish glow.

"Ummmm... is that supposed to happen?" asked someone. "Nevarmind dat," BoB said. "Wha wuz the name of dis mountain?" BoB asked. "Mount Vesuvius, my L-" "BOB THOUGHT BOB TOLD YA NOT TA CALL BOB DAT!" BoB screamed. "Plus, dat not a nice name. Maybe something like mount BoBle ghwof hog boggle woggle soggle would be cool," BoB said. "Yes sir, it will now be called Mount BoBle ghwof hog boggle woggle soggle," said the person in charge. "Wait... did ya say vesuvius?" BoB asked. "Yeah, ya said vesuvius. BoB pretty sure dat was a volcano that blew-" BoB never got to finish that sentence, because right then, the volcano blew up. "RUN FER YER LIVEZ PEPELZ!" BoB yelled, and ran as fast as he could. "MOUNT BOBLE GHWOF HOG BOGGLE WOGGLE SOGGLE IS ANGRY!" yelled someone. "You think it didn't like it's new name?" someone else asked.

BoB kept running, but it was no good. The lava was catching up to him, and he could never outrun it. Suddenly, Bob got a brilliant idea. BoB jumped off the side of the mountain, and fell. BoB fell into the town, but being BoB, he used BoB logic, and a mattress appeared under him. BoB kept running, but he had lost his way back to his escape pod. "Stupid scape pod!" BoB yelled, as he ran around trying to find it. Suddenly, he saw it. BoB ran towards it, and looked behind him. The lava was right on his tail, and volcanic ash was already covering everything. "BOB HOPE IT A YEAR OF OLYPICKS, CUZ BOB HAVE NEW VENT FOR YA PEOPLEZ! HUDRED METER DASH WITH LAVA BOUT TO BUN YA! DON'T DAT SPORT SOUND GREAT?!"  BoB yelled, and kept running.

BoB was almost at the escape pod doors, and he looked behind him. The lava was almost caught up to him, and he fished a remote control key out of his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. BoB mashed the "door open" button, and the doors swung open quickly. BoB was in the home stretch! BoB was almost there! He lunged forwards so he could get in his escape pod, and mashed the "door close button as he was in the air. The doors swung closed behind BoB, but the lava started to leak in anyway.

BoB scrambled to his feet, and got to the control panel. "Spare parts, spare parts, where are da spare parts?!!!" BoB yelled to himself. "Wait! BoB member now! BoB have drawrs under da con troll pannell! Dat where a spare time travel tube iz!" BoB said as he looked  through drawers. He found a time travel tube, and screwed it into the control panel. the lava was still oozing in, and a bit of it seared the back of BoB's foot."Take off time!" BoB yelled after he jumped on the control console, and hit the button labeled; "MeRGenCee? PREZZ DIS NOW!!!!!" His escape pod made its normal wheezing noise, and dematerialized, leaving the lava behind in 79 A.D. Now that he was in flight, he decided he should set his destination time.

"Ummm... let'z see, BoB don't know where a place like BoBz looking four will be... Wait! BoB has a self-thinky-computer-systemy-thingy!" BoB said, as he remembered there was one programed in. "Let see, what wuz itz name? Seari? Celibi? Oh wait, no! BoB member now!" BoB shouted. "Celliri, BoB'z scape pod gonna stink of volcanic ash now, so BoB gonna need ta go somewhere with nice fresh air. Can ya take BoB to a place like dat?" BoB said into a little microphone on the control panel. "Yes. Arriving there now." said the automated response from BoB's escape pod, and the wheezing noise started. Once it stopped, BoB got off the console, and opened the doors. "AHHH, fresh air!" BoB started. "GAH! WHAT IS DAT SMELL?!" BoB yelled, and shut the doors.

"All right Celliri, what happened? Ya were gonna find a nice place with nice fresh air!" BoB yelled into the microphone. "I apologize," said the automated voice. "However, you did hit the emergency take off button, and I am programed to get you out of there,"  said the voice. "Whatever. BoB gonna go exploring now!" BoB said and headed towards the doors. He seemed to remember something, turned around, and got the little scented pine tree of the central control console. "Humph. Nice fresh air BoBz-" BoB started, and BoB's escape pod shut the door behind him.

BoB in Rome (part 2)

Last week, as you recall, we left off at this paragraph, after BoB tried to fly his escape pod and got a crack in it:

More lightning came in the crack, and BoB decided he would have to seal up the gap from both sides. He held his roll of super duct tape in his teeth, and got to the doors. He opened one, and the force of the wind blew him so much, he flew out the door, but he managed to grab onto the closed one. Luckily for BoB, the doors only opened inwards, so he didn't just fly off. BoB managed to get on his feet, and held onto the spinning escape pod as tightly as he could. Lightning struck it, and the whole thing wobbled. BoB just managed to cling on, and moved closer. He inched towards the gap, and made it there. He held on with only one hand, and used a strip of duct tape. He put the duct tape on, and right before he tore that piece off, lightning hit his escape pod. The whole thing turned upside down, and BoB was weightless for a second...before he started to fall.

 

BoB was falling. He was afraid he would fall all the way down to the ground, but his roll of super duct tape stuck where he had put it, and since he didn't tear the piece off yet, he was dangling from his roll of duct tape. He stuck his foot in the loop, and used it to put himself upright. He started to climb up, and one hand slipped. BoB stuck his other hand to the sticky side of the tape, to make sure he wouldn't fall off, and got a grip on the tape with his other hand. After he climbed up, he started to pull his duct tape up after him.

Once he had his duct tape back, he started patching up the hole. BoB heard a rushing noise, and looked up. He saw that coming up ahead was a thousand foot fall, through a tube of fire. "BoB really better hurry up!" BoB said, and finished the outside. He got back through the doors, and shut them tight. He inched his way over to the crack in his spinning control room, and patched it up. BoB then jumped off the wall, and grabbed onto the console.

Everything lurched, and the whole control room was upside down. BoB started randomly pushing the buttons (that were now above his head), and the spinning slowed down. BoB looked up, and saw the button with the word "REmatErEaLize" written on it. BoB started using levers like monkey bars, and got under the button. BoB pressed it with his head, and he heard a wheezing noise.

"Good wurk BoB, ya should be very proud of yerself," BoB said to himself. "Why tank ya BoB, BoB think BoB did good two! But ya wood no dat, cuz yer BoB to!" BoB replied to himself. Suddenly, the control room flipped upside down, and BoB let go of the console. BoB calmly walked over to the doors, opened them, then shouted "ZACTLY LIKE BOB PLANNED, SEA? DAT WAS NO MISTAKE, DAT WUZ INTENTIONAL!" BoB walked out of his escape pod, tripped over a branch, and fell face first into the dirt. "NAOW DAT WUZ A ACCIDENT!" BoB yelled into the dirt.

BoB realized that he was right by where the feast was being held, and went into the building. "HOORAY!" yelled everybody in the building when BoB walked in. "Tank you, Tank you. Now, pleaze hold on to all applause intull BoB leaves da building!" BoB said, and sat down in a huge chair. As a servant brought out the first course, BoB looked at it, and made a disgusted face. 

"What iz dis ting? Don't ya have any real food?"BoB asked, and pushed the pig away. "Oh, you don't like the pig, my-" "DON'T EVEN SAY IT! DONUT EVEN THINK ABOUT SAYIN IT!" BoB screamed in the person's face. "I'll bring out some other food," said the person, and they ran off. 

An hour later, after all the food was brought out, BoB didn't want any of it, and just sat there, staring at it, like maybe that would turn it into something else. "DIS IS B-O-O-O-O-O-O-ORING! DIS PLACE IZ SO DULL! FOOD FIGHT!" BoB yelled, and threw a chunk of pig at someone. BoB picked up a goblet of wine, and threw it at someone else. "Hey, you jerk!" yelled someone else, and threw a chunk of pig at BoB, who opened his mouth and ate it. Pretty soon, it was a free-for-all, and BoB kept lunging through the air and eating everything he could. After the world's first food fight was over, BoB got back to his escape pod, and slept for the night. 

The next morning, BoB woke up, made himself a real breakfast of tin cans and hubcaps, and walked outside the escape pod. BoB remembered he needed to fix his DeLorean with a coatrack, and went right back inside. He walked right past a straight wooden pole, where a coat was hanging, walked up to his control panel, tore out a long metal pole that was supporting the ceiling, producing a shower of sparks in the process, and walked to his DeLorean. He rolled his DeLorean outside so he could work on it, and got under the car.

A couple of hours later, when he finally fixed it, he got out from under the DeLorean, only to see storm clouds. "Uh-oh. BoB'z DeLorean will get stuck in da mud, and BoB just took out the time travel tube in BoB'z Turdiz, so BoB can't time travel away!!!" BoB said. "But... BoB can put the 'skape pod in da DeLorean, den hit 88 miles per hour before it rainz..." BoB said, as he got in his escape pod. He dematerialized, and landed back in his DeLorean, and turned the key.

"My l-ER, I MEAN BOB, where are you going?" asked a Roman. "BoB needs ta get out of here before the rain comes, so BoB'z going. Ya won't ever see BoB again, so bye bye!" BoB said, as he ducked back inside his DeLorean, and tried to set the time circuits. There was a loud beeping noise, and BoB saw that it now said: Destination time: May 24th, 79 A.D. "Oopz... Look like BoB broke it so bad, it can only go 50 yearz at a time... Well, dat better den nothing..."

BoB got out of the Delorean so he could announce his departure, and saw everyone had gathered around. "Change of planz..." BoB said to the crowd. "If any of ya are alive in 50 years, you'll be seeing BoB again. WRITE DAT DOWN!" BoB yelled. One person ran off to write it down, and BoB continued his farewell speech. "Mark the spot where BoB diss appear, cause in fifty yearz, ya won't wanna be standing there. And now... BOB will PERFORM SUME MAGIC!" BoB yelled.

BoB got in his DeLorean, turned it on, and yelled "GET OUTTA DA WAY!!!" out the window, and honked the horn. The people cleared a path for BoB, and BoB hit the gas. "BoB should drive towards something and diss appear right before BoB hit it for traumatic affect..." BoB said as he drove straight at a building, and saw someone in his rearview mirror, chasing him with a stick, so he could mark the spot. "Dat wall won't be dare when BoB arrive!" BoB said to himself. "85...86...87...88 MILE PER HOUR!" BoB yelled, and saw a flash of light. BoB heard a crushing noise, and saw his DeLorean hit the wall, that was still standing 50 years later. "COULDN'T BOB BE RIGHT FOR ONCE???!" BoB yelled at the sky. "NOW BOB CAN'T TIME TRAVEL AWAY!!!"

 

To be continued...

BoB in Rome

We're sorry there was no BoBlog last week, but BoB used his DeLorean to go to this week, saw a BoBlog was put up only today, then traveled back in time and told us. So, to not mess up the space-time continuum, we waited until today.

Remember last blog when BoB went to the future, and it mentioned him in ancient Rome? No? Well then scroll down, because it's right under this one. So, this is the story of how BoB went to ancient Rome.

Last time (even though it was a couple hundred years into the future) as you may recall, BoB made a DeLorean time machine, and tried it out. Since he hit over 88 miles per hour, and then turned the time circuits on, he overshot the day he was trying to go to, and ended up in the future, where Donald Trump had become elected president in 2016, then established a dictatorship, with his Trumpbots enforcing all his laws. BoB made the Trumpbots mad at him, so they started chasing him. As BoB drove off in his DeLorean, he saw a mechanics shop advertising about fixing flying cars. Being BoB, he got distracted, decided to get his DeLorean flying, but he didn't have enough Trumpbucks (Trumpland's currency). BoB robbed the 7458th National Trumpbank of the necessary money, and the mechanic made his car fly. However, the Trumpbots had burst in, and demanded BoB pay up. BoB didn't want to do that, so he took off into the sky, to trying escape.

[And not that we got that whole paragraph of recap, you can read the BoBlog.]   

 

"Thiz time, BoB turning the time curcitz on first!" BoB said. BoB punched in some numbers, just so he could get out of there, then pulled the lever. "BoB getting to close to dat glassy thing!"BoB said, and shot straight down. The Trumpbot's lasers missed BoB, and put a hole in the dome. Gravity pulled BoB's DeLorean down, making him get to 88 miles per hour even faster. "86!...87!!...88 MILES PER HOUR!" BoB said as he hurtled towards the ground. He saw a flash of light, and pulled up on the wheel so he wouldn't hit the ground. 

BoB heard screaming, and looked out the window. There were some people in togas pointing and screaming, and others running out of the way. "WHATZ YER BOBLEMZ? IT JUZT A FLAMIN' DELOREAN FALLIN' TO EARTH!" BoB yelled out the window, as he tried to turn the flight mode on again. BoB managed to do so, but not quick enough. He slowed the car's fall, but it still hit the ground hard. One of the tires blue LED lights that enabled it to fly (don't ask me, apparently they figured it out a couple hundred years from now) blew out in a spectacular display of sparks, and smoke started coming from the glove box. Coughing, BoB opened his door, and stumbled out.

​BoB was hearing people saying "oooooh!" and "ahhhh!, but he couldn't see who was saying it, because of all the smoke. Suddenly, he heard a bunch of people fall down, and figured there must be trouble. He forced his eyes open, and saw lots of people on their knees, chanting. "Wire ya peplolz chanting?" BoB asked the people. "And wire yer all on the ground? Did ya all fall over or sumtin?" The people kept chanting louder, and BoB figured out there was the slight chance he was in the wrong time, so he decided to look at his Time Circuits to see where he was. "Hang on one secund peplolz, BoB gotta check something."

BoB checked the time circuits, and they read: May 24th,  29 A.D, 12:44 P.M. Location: ???; Rome. (You may not remember the location part from the Back to the Future movies, but BoB decided he needed to know where he was at all times. Except he didn't know most names of cities, so most of them come up as ???) "Look like BoB made an oopz," BoB said, and walked outside. BoB saw someone walking down the street, holding a red cloak.

"Hey, water they doing?" BoB asked the nearest person. "They are bring you your royal cloak, my lord," said the person. "Who's lord? BoB'z a lord now? Nonono, BoB don't want to be a lord! To manny letter, see? Like BoB, dat three letters. But calling BoB lord makez it an extra letter. Now, Yer BoBably impressed with BoB'z amazing counting skill, but if dat weren't amazig enough, BoB can count to five​ before skrewig up.... well, normal.... most of the time.... all right, BoB'z leying. That only on a good day. But, today'z a good day, so that good!... Right?" "Yes, my lord," said the person. "ARRRRGH! SHUT UP! BoB don't want to be a lord!!!! Member how BoB said dat? 'Cause if you don't, yer head must be thicker than BoBz!" Whatever you say, my lord."

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! WHAT DID BOB JUST SAY?!!!! WHAT DID BOB JUST SAY, HUH? HUH?!!!!! ​Ooooh, here, another good point BoB haz, member how BoB was talking bout BoBz mazing counting ability earlier? Oh, wait, you BoBaly don't, cause you can't even remember BoBz LAST SENTANCE!!!! Anyway, what BoB said, was that BoB wuz leying. Lord's wouldn't do dat, would they?" BoB said. "Well, most of them are politicians, so they would, my lord," said the person. "OOOOOH WHAT DID BOB JUZT SAY TO YOU-... wait, politicans lie in ancient Rome to? Dat's good to know. Maybe some day, BoB can go to prehistoric times and see if they lied a lot back then, to," BoB said.

"Whatever you say, my lord. You know, we know you really aren't a politician, since you fell out of the sky on your strange metal chariot, my lord,"  The person said. Suddenly, it clicked in BoB head (what clicked in there, I don't know. Theres noting in there to click!) all these ancient Romans thought BoB was one of the ancient Roman gods. BoB tried to remember the name of any Roman god, but he couldn't. "BoB's name is....uh....uh....ummmmm.......FLANGLE RIZZLE BOBLE FOBBLE MC DOBLE! But you can just call BoB BoB," BoB said.

"ALL HAIL FLANGLE RIZZLE BOBLE FOBBLE MC DOBLE!" yelled the crowd. The person with the cloak put it around BoB, and dropped to his knees. "This iz all very well and good, but.... can BoB get thiz in a different color? Like.... maybe purple? Cuz' purple iz cool. It wuz the color of royalty in ancient grease....or wuz dat here....yeah, BoB think dat wuz here. Oops." "Certainly, my lord. We'll just have to make a-" they started saying.

"STOP!!!! CALLING!!!!! BOB!!!!!!!! LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" BoB screamed to the entire town. "Yes, my lor-er..... Yes," said the person.

"By the way.... does BoB get a feast?" BoB asked. "Cause dat's what dey did in Rome." "Yes, certainly, we will arrange a feast! COME NOW, CITIZENS! WE MUST ARRANGE A FEAST FOR LORD FLANGLE RIZZLE BOBLE FOBBLE MC DOBBLE, WHO YOU CAN JUST CALL BOB!" yelled the person who put the cloak on BoB, and the whole mob ran off.

"Now, BoB should find a way out of here," BoB said to himself, and got in his smaller-on-the-outside DeLorean. BoB turned it on, and hit the gas. It wouldn't budge, so he looked out the window. He saw one of his back tires wasn't spinning, and the blue LED lights were off. BoB decided that was the reason, and tried thinking how he could get the back tire to spin. BoB got out of the car, and climbed under it. BoB saw that the axle was broken, and climbed out. He felt a raindrop, and saw that there was now a thunder storm. BoB remembered he had a bunch of spare parts in his red box shaped escape pod, and he might have an axle there.

Suddenly, BoB felt the ground shake, and looked around. A group of horses was running through the streets, because the thunder had spooked them. BoB saw that they were heading right at his DeLorean, and got worried. "HEY YA DUM HORSES! DAT THUNDUR SCARED YA INTO RUNNING ALL CRAZY? WELL BOB CAN BE EVEN SCARIER! GET READY TO BE SO SCARED YOU RUN DA OTHER WAY? READY?..... BOO!!!!!! ​Oh, dat didn't wurk. Time ta think! BoBz not to good at dat dough...."

BoB panicked, and there was no time to react. Suddenly, a boulder rolled off a nearby mountain. BoB saw it rolling down, and the odd thing about it was that it was shaped like BoB's head. It rolled down the mountain, hit an almost invisible bump of dirt, and flew in front of BoB, blocking the road. Carved into the back of it, in messy hand writing, it said; "What if you use the escape pod coatrack for an axle?" "Hey, maybe BoB should use the coat rod in BoB's 'scape pod for an axel!" BoB said to himself. The rain got worse, and BoB decided he should get his escape pod out of his smaller-on-the-outside DeLorean, then push his DeLorean into his smaller-on-the-outside escape pod while he fixed the DeLorean.

BoB got in his DeLorean, and walked to the back seats, where a red wooden box, with the words Fireman Private Call Box painted on it. BoB got in it, and went to the control panel. He couldn't time travel while he was still in his DeLorean, so he didn't have to worry about flying into the future or past by accident. He pushed buttons and flipped switches quickly, and it dematerialized. He pulled a lever (which was really just a joystick attached to his control panel) slightly to the right, and then hit the button with a sticky note on it, saying: "REmatErEaLize" that BoB wrote. When it stopped making loud wheezing noises, BoB opened the front doors, and saw his DeLorean. He got behind it, and started to push. When he got it in, he closed the doors behind him, and dematerialized.

He flew it near the base of the mountain, and pressed the rematerialize button, but all that happened was a loud BZZZZT noise. "Whatz goin on, ya dum scape pod?" BoB said, and mashed the button. Suddenly, the whole contraption rumbled, and flames shot out of a toaster that (for whatever reason) BoB had attached to his control console. BoB went over to put out the fire, but on the other side, a tea kettle shot steam (and tea) out.

BoB's whole escape pod started spinning super fast, and centrifugal force pinned BoB to the wall. On the other side of the control room, a couple bolts flew off, and the paneling started coming apart, creating a gap. Out the gap, BoB saw storm clouds, and lighting shot into his escape pod, hitting the control console. BoB pulled himself off the wall, and slowly made his way towards the gap. Once he was there, he got some duct tape out of a secret compartment, and taped the gap shut.

More lightning came in, and BoB decided he would have to seal up the gap from both sides. He held his roll of super duct tape in his teeth, and got to the doors. He opened one, and the force of the wind blew him so much, he flew out the door, but he managed to grab onto the closed one. Luckily for BoB, the doors only opened inwards, so he didn't just fly off. BoB managed to get on his feet, and held onto the spinning escape pod as tightly as he could. Lightning struck it, and the whole thing wobbled. BoB just managed to cling on, and moved closer. He inched towards the gap, and made it there. He held on with only one hand, and used a strip of duct tape. He put the duct tape on, and right before he tore that piece off, lightning hit his escape pod. The whole thing turned upside down,and BoB was weightless for a second...before he started to fall.

To be continued...

 

Next time: BoB in Rome: Part 2

BoB to the Future!

*NOTE: CERTAIN NAMES IN THIS BOBLOG HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY*

 

BoB saw on Twitter that yesterday was Back To The Future Day, and he missed all of it. BoB was outraged nobody told him, so he started building his own DeLorean time machine. Once it was done, BoB set the time circuits for October 21st 2015, 3:29 PM, so he could be there an hour earlier.

"HERE BOB GOEZ!" BoB yelled, as he put the car into gear. BoB started building up speed, and once he hit 75 mile per hour, he drove onto a downhill dead end street, so he could have some dramatic effect for when he hit 88 at the bottom. BoB slammed his foot on the gas so hard, it was on the floor. 80 miles per hour... 81...82...83...84...85.!..86!!...87!!!...88 MILES PER HOUR! But... something was wrong. The car didn't time travel yet! BoB kept his foot on the gas, and looked at the time circuits. He realized he hadn't switched them on yet, so he waited... 120 miles per hour... there was the wall, coming closer... even closer... you really should hit those, you know BoB... BOB HIT THOSE NOW!  "IT WUZ ALL FUR TRAUMATIC EFFECT!" BoB yelled to the imaginary bystanders, as he turned on the time circuits.

BoB saw a flash of light, and hit the brakes. He stepped out of the car, and looked around. "WUT DA HECK?!" BoB yelled, as he saw a glass dome in the sky. He looked under him, and the road had changed from a normal road to some silver metal with stripes of purple light. All the houses had been removed, and replaced with stainless steel cylinders with opening doors. Suddenly, one flickered. BoB looked at it, and a holographic image of a nice house appeared over it.

BoB decided to see what these things were, so he went over to the one with a hologram. he stepped up on the holographic steps that he shouldn't have been able to stand on, and rang the doorbell. The doors slid open like automatic doors a store would have, and a person stepped out. "What do you want, sir?" said the person. "Ta no wats going' on," BoB said, in his amazingly formal way. "What do you mean, what's going on?" said the person. "I was just changing the exterior holographic projection to an illusion of the deign of houses five hundred years ago. " "Five hunred yearz? wat year iz thiz?" BoB asked.

"I- believe-I-can-answer-that-question-for-you" said a robotic sounding voice behind BoB. BoB turned around to see a silver robot, wearing a hideous wig. "Oh yeah? Den wut year iz it, Mr. Smarty ro-butt?" BoB asked. "It-is-2515-in-the-year-of-our-lord-and-savior...The-ever-so-mighty-Donald-Frump," he robot said. "OH! OH! OH OH OHEY OHEY OH OH!" BoB said. "Dat explain the stupid wigz!" BoB said.

"You-have-insulted-the-all-mighty-Denald-Frump. You-and-anyone-associated-with-you-will-be-made-great-again." Said the robot, as a radar popped out of its head. "Calling-backup. This-is-Frumpbot-5-3-6-2-9-requesting-help-making-civilians-great-again. Proceeding-with-operation-great-citizens." The robot said, and one of its hands turned into a laser gun. "Setting-to-stun. Operation-great-citizens...ENGAGED. PROCEEDING."

"BoB'z gonna strongly suggest ya run. Trust BoB, BoB'z had experience running from meaniez. BoB just never ran away from tin canmeaniez,"  BoB said, and started running to his DeLorean. BoB got in, just as more Frumpbots arrived. One shot the person BoB had been talking to, knocking them out.

BoB knew he had to act fast, before the Frumpbots took the person away. "HEY, YA TRUMPETZ! COME AN' GET BOB ISTEAD! BOB'Z EVILER! SEE, LOOK! DENALD FRUMP IZ A BIG FAT MEANIE POOPY BRAINED DUM DUM LOLIPOP DAT WEARZ DIAPERZ, AND HAZ TO MUCH FAKE HAIR!" "You-have-insulted-Denald-Frump. Counting-offenses...total-names-Denald-Frump-was-called-in-that-run-on-sentence...10. Engage-sarcasm-mode. Well-done...you-have-broken-the-record-of-rude-things-ever-said-about-Denald-Frump-in-one-sentence. Disengage-sarcasm-mode. You-are-public-enemey-number-one. You-will-now-be-eradicated-off-the-face-of-this-earth...To-make-Frump-land-great-again!" said a Frumpbot. "JUST TRY!" BoB said, as he hit the gas.

"Analyzing-car-closest-match...modified-DeLorean. Scanning-driving-patterns." BoB could hear the Frumpbots saying behind him. BoB figured his best bet was to drive so crazy, even he didn't know what he was doing (which is nothing new to BoB.). After a while, BoB lost the Frumpbots, and stopped at a car repair shop. "Hi, could ya pleaze give BoB a flyer of every extra dat yoo have?" BoB asked, and the owner (who was wearing a Frump-like wig) gave BoB a flyer.

"FLYING CARZ?!!! DEY MAKE DOZE?!!!" BoB yelled at the top of his lungs, but nobody even looked at him funny. "Only since 2047, sir," said the mechanic, rudely. "Quick queztiun... why did doze people not even look at BoB funny when BoB yelled?" BoB asked. "It's selective hearing, you idiot. Here in the United States Of Frumpmerica, everyone has implants that only lets them hear what they want to hear," the mechanic said, as if everyone should know this.

"Can ya do some work on BoB'z car? BoB wants it to fly!" BoB said. "If it's not flying yet, it must be a really old and obsolete. I'll ring you up," said the mechanic. "That will be 746 Frumpbucks, and 58 Frumpcents," said the mechanic. "Watz a Frumpbuck?" asked BoB. "It's our form of currency, you idiot. Denald Frump printed trillions of them, then payed the US government in Frumpbucks to change the currency, to ensure that he was the richest person on Earth," the mechanic said.

"But izn't dat counterfitting? BoB asked. "No you idiot, it would only be counterfeiting if he printed them after he changed the currency." "Well, BoB got no Frumpbuckz, so BoB'll be back later. ... Oh, wait! One more queztun. How'z Frump alive after all diz time?" "I DON'T KNOW! IF YOU WANT THAT INFORMATION, GO TO THE LIBRARY!" the mechanic yelled.

BoB did exactly that, and went to look at old newspapers, which were covered in Frumpwrap, to protect them from decomposing for all eternity. BoB went back through a couple hundred years of newspapers, and found one with a picture of Denald Frump, with the headline "Frump Invents New Life Support Device!" BoB decided he better take that picture, just so that if he got back to the present, people would believe him.

BoB then used the Denald Frump Public Library's local teleport systems to get to the bank. BoB stepped out of the bank's teleporter, and saw four marble walls around him. He looked around, and saw a strange looking telescope-like thing. "Please put your eye to the Frumpescope so we may open your bank vault." said a voice. "It is to prevent theft from the only thing that matters. MONEY." BoB put his left eye up to the scanner, and, being swirly, it scrambled the computer, and let BoB in. "Access granted. Please help yourself to your money." said the voice.

The wall disappeared, and BoB walked through where it was a second ago. BoB opened the first vault he saw, and grabbed 750 Frumpbucks. BoB ran out of the bank, and to the teleporter. BoB teleported to the mechanics shop, and gave them 747 Frumpbucks. "Keep the change! Make BoB'z car fly, as fast as you can!" BoB said. The mechanic ran out of the shop with an all in one tool, zapped BoB's car, and ran back in. "Tank you! Now BoB can fly!"

"Engage-witty-comment. Not-so-fast-BoB. Dis-engage-witty-comment. You-have-stolen-750-Frumpbucks. Prepare-to-be-eradicated...To-make-Frumpland-great-again!" said a Frumpbot, and it fired its laser.

BoB ducked, and ran out to his DeLorean. BoB closed the door, and took off. As he rose higher and higher, he saw they were all around. "So dat why he want a wall built," BoB said to himself.

Suddenly, the whole car shook. "Hey, What going' on?!" BoB yelled, then looked out the window. "Hey, you! Quit shooting at the wheelz! Where BoB'z goin', BoB needs roads!" BoB yelled. BoB pulled his head back in, just as they shot a laser at him. BoB pulled a camera out of the glovebox, and flew down low, to get a picture of a Frumpbot. BoB snapped some pictures, then flew back up in the air. The Frumpbots flew after BoB on built in rockets on their feet, and BoB flew faster.

"Thiz time, BoB turning the time curcitz on first!" BoB said. BoB punched in some numbers, just so he could get out of there, then pulled the lever. "BoB getting to close to dat glassy thing!"BoB said, and shot straight down. The Frumpbot's lasers missed BoB, and put a hole in the dome. Gravity pulled BoB's DeLorean down, making him get to 88 miles per hour even faster. "86!...87!!...88 MILES PER HOUR!" BoB said as he hurtled towards the ground. He saw a flash of light, and pulled up on the wheel so he wouldn't hit the ground.  

It turns out, BoB landed in ancient Rome (but that's another BoBlog).

BoB decided that he couldn't let that future happen, so he would go back in time to make Denald Frump go bankrupt. Unfortunately, he only made his companies go bankrupt (but he succeeded four times).  

BoB eventually set his time circuits to October 21st, 2015, 4:29 P.M. and hit the gas. He flew into the air, and hit 88 miles per hour. Unfortunately, he crashed into another flying DeLorean time machine that appeared in front of him (this must have been cut from the movie.) BoB, using smaller-on-the-outside technology, had an escape pod in the car. BoB quickly got in. He hit some buttons, and with a wheezing noise, it dematerialized.

It teleported right under his car, hovering in mid air, and the car fell through the doors, saving it from smashing into a million pieces. BoB pressed another button, and his escape pod dematerialized again. BoB stepped out, and looked at his escape pod. It was a red painted phone box, that BoB had wrote "Fireman Privte Call Box" across the top.

 

Next time: BoB in ancient Rome.

BoB at Hole Foods

Sorry we couldn't get a blog through, but BoB punched holes in out electrical department's cables. 

Last week, BoB was strolling around, looking for somewhere to buy food. BoB walked by a Whole Foods, and decided it was as good a place as any to eat something. BoB walked in, and looked around. BoB noticed something odd though... There were no holes in the food! "Excuze BoB, but yoo have ta come with BoB right now!" BoB said, as he ran up to a manager. "Ya haz defective murcndice," BoB said, as he pulled the manager over to the foods. The manager was not amused, and walked off.

BoB decided if the manager wasn't going to do anything, BoB would have to fix this food. BoB ran out of the store, and went to Staples across the street. BoB bought a hole punch and went back to Whole Foods.

BoB went up to the fresh vegetables, and punched some holes in them. Next he went over to the fruits, and made some swiss apples. BoB put some holes in the onions, and started crying. BoB went to the self serve grain machines, and put some holes in the compartments. A ton of grains started leaking out, and BoB decided it was time to get out of that aisle.

Store security saw the grains leaking out, and BoB running away, and put two and two together. Security ran after BoB, but BoB was faster. He ran past the milk area, and put some holes in milk cartons. One security guard slipped, and all the others jumped over him. "Dey shuld make dat a sport! The olimpic jump over the meaniez chazing BoB!" BoB yelled as he ran away.

BoB ran past the meat and cheese department, and got behind the counter. The security guards ran past, and BoB started putting holes in the meat. BoB saw the swiss cheese, and was amazed. "HEY YOU SECURITY!" BoB yelled at the top of his lungs, and security came rushing over. "THIZ IZ HOW FOOD HEAR SHOULD LOOK!" BoB yelled, and pointed at the swiss cheese.

Security didn't appreciate all the holes in the meat, so they tried to tackle BoB. BoB dodged, and smacked one of them on the head with the hole punch. "IF YOO DON'T APPRECIATE BOB'Z HELP BOB WILL JUZT LEAVE, MEANIES!!!!!"  BoB yelled. "WOOD YOO LIKE DAT?! HUH?!!!" "Well... Actually, yes," said the only still conscious security guard. "Okay, BoB will leave den," BoB said, before pleasantly skipping out of the store.

BoB's Fairy Tale

BoB hasn't done anything exiting for a while, and he sent us letter apologizing for that. In the letter, he said he was going to go cause chaos, just so we could have a BoBlog.

BoB went around town, breaking stuff, and smashing peoples cars, and eating whatever was left of them. Eventually, BoB went into the grocery store, and stuck cauliflower in his ears. He then held radishes by the stem in his mouth, and spun some around from his hands. People didn't like BoB destroying their vegetables, and they started throwing stuff at him. BoB managed to dodge everything, except a bag of broccoli. It hit BoB, and he fell to the floor.

When BoB got back up, two very muscly security guards were on their way. "HEY YOU, FREEZE!" BoB shouted at the top of his lungs. The security guards slowed down and gave BoB a funny look. "BoB haz questun four you," BoB said. "What is it?" the one of the security guards asked.  "Since yer so beefy, do they get there beef from you?" BoB asked, before running off. The security guards chased BoB out of the store, and BoB hid in a book shop. BoB waited for them to go by, and grabbed the nearest book he could find. BoB paid for it, and walked out the door, hiding behind his book. 

Later, when he was safely away from the security guards, BoB figured he might as well read the book, since he paid for it. BoB read the book of fairy tales, and got mad there was absolutely nobody called BoB. BoB decided to fix this problem by writing his own fairy tale, which was included in the letter he sent us. So, here it is, BoB's fairytale, as written by BoB.

 

"BoBz very very very very very very cuwl Fairyz tail."

 

Starrig: BoB az: Hadsom King BoB

 Joe az: te eeeeevil scummy no good terribly evil fat dwarf whizard who happens to be handsom BoBz couzin

 

Onze upon a time, dare wuz an handsom king named Mr.FlangerazleMcBoB the third, who, fur some reason, preferred too be called BoB. Handsom King BoB waz happily ruling his kingdom, when hiz eeeeeeeevil fat dwarf couzin, Joe, cast a spell on BoB’z kingdom, turning everyone into potato chips. Handsom King BoB decided he couldn’t rule a kingdom of potato chips, so he set out on a quest.

BoB went into the enchanted forest full of healthy foods, where Joe thought it would be the perfect disguise to practice his magic, becauze other wise Joe would transform people into healthy foods. In the forest, handsom BoB wandered around, and saw a huge stalk of broccoli! It jumped at BoB, but BoB rolled out of the way! BoB threw a radioactive potato chip at it, and the unhealthiness killed it!

Suddenly a gang of tree cauli flowers walked out of the bushes, and congratulated handsom BoB on killing the broccoli, which had terrorized dem fur weeks. Handsom BoB tanked the group of cauli flowers, and started back on hiz way. Handsom BoB walked around, but found the cauliflowers again.  One of the cauliflowers asked handsom BoB if there was anything they could do to repay handsom BoB, so handsom BoB explained how everyone in his kingdoom wuz now a potato chip, and how he wuz going to reverse the spell. The cauli flowers agreed to come with handsom BoB, and try to reverse the spell.

After getting lost for a while (becuze even handsom BoB'z can get lost), the geni us handsom BoB finally saw the secret bright red door to Joe’s evil lair (which wuz handily disguized as a crab shack).  BoB opened the door, and walked right in… on top of a trap door!!!!! Handsom BoB and the three Cauli flowers fell down into the basement, and saw eeeeeevil Joe putting more ingredients in a cauldron full of purple bubbling goopieness. The noise of them hitting the floor scared eeeeeevil Joe, who whirled around, to see handsom BoB in a heap of cauli flowers.

Eeeeeeeeevil Joe started screaming about how handsom BoB always ruined his plans, and backed away from handsom BoB. Handsom BoB got to his feet, and saw eeeeeevil Joe getting a cucumber sword hanging frum hiz wall. Handsom BoB turned around, and seed another rack of weapons! Handsom BoB grabbed a cucumber sword of hiz own, and turned around.  By the time he turned around, eeeeeevil Joe was about to cut him in half!!!!!! Oh noes! Handsom BoB juzt managed to block in time, and tried to slice at eeeeevil Joe, who blocked.

After sword fighting with eeeeeevil Joe for a while, one of the cauli flowers regained consciousness. The cauli flower got up behind eeevil Joe, and tackled hiz stoopid meanie butt, just before he cut handsom BoB in half. Handsom BoB got up, and ran to the wall. Handsom BoB grabbed a potted artichoke, and threw it like a spear! It hit eeeeeevil Joe in the chest, and eeeeevil Joe started bleeding grease. Handsom BoB asked eeeeeevil Joe how to reverse the spell, but eeeeeevil Joe wouldn’t tell him how!

Handsom BoB looked in the bubbling purple goop, and did the only logical (Bob noez, logic don't exist, but thiz a fairytale, 'member?)thing. He stuck his handsom head it, and started swallowing it. As soon as handsom BoB’s head hit the substance, it started to glow, and turned blue. Handsom BoB drained the whole cauldron, then looked at his kingdom in eeeeevil Joe’s crystal ball.

Handsom BoB saw it, and saw… every one was now back to normal…except they had a giant handsom BoB smile on. Handsom BoB decided it could be worse, and headed back to his kingdom. Handsom BoB got back, and let the helpful group of cauli flowers like in his castle. And they all lived happily ever after. De ferakin' end. 

 

ALLL CRDIT GOEZ TO BOB, 'MEMBER DAT!

BoB Goes to the Pokémon World Championship in Boston (Part 5)

As BoB fell the 38 stories towards the ground, he sent out his Charizard. "GOO, CHIZEREARD!" BoB yelled, and sent out his Charizard. "OOZE FLY!" BoB landed on his Charizard, and Charizard started flying away.

BoB accidentally slipped and started falling 20 stories towards the ground. One of the beds he accidentally put in his smaller-on-the-outside pockets fell out, and landed on the ground. He bounced up on the mattress, all the way up to where Charizard was flying. He landed back on his Charizard, and looked down. "Wha happen?" BoB asked his Charizard. Strangely, the Charizard wouldn't answer. "Chizereard, to the airport! BoB have light to catch!" BoB yelled, and Charizard flew towards the airport.

Once they got there, BoB almost missed his flight. "Uh-oh!" BoB said, as he saw the plane taxiing. "Chizerard, fly down there!" BoB said, and Charizard dive bombed the plane. "Chizerard, fly near da door!" BoB's Charizard flew closer to the door, and BoB tried to open it. The door popped off, and BoB got inside. BoB's Charizard came through, holding the door. "Chizerard, weld da door back on!" BoB said, and Charizard used Flame Thrower.  "Tank you Chizerard! Return!" BoB said, and Charizard returned to it's Pokéball.

Oddly, everyone was staring.

BoB went off to find a seat, and strapped in just as the plane took off. After being quiet for half an hour, doing nothing, BoB got too bored. The flight attendants were bringing around snacks, and when they offered snacks to BoB, he ate everything including the basket they were carrying. "Tank you fright attendance peoplez!" BoB said.

But after eating all those snacks, he was feeling fat.

Using BoB logic, he got out his barf bag, and fit in it.

"WHO WANTZ TO RACE?!" BoB yelled, and jumped around. One person stood up, and BoB used BoB logic on their barf bag. Since the aisles were too narrow, they decided they would time each other with a stopwatch app, and whoever had the fastest time would win.

BoB kept losing, so he kept demanding a rematch.

When the flight attendants came around with drinks, BoB took the whole tray, thinking they were all for him, because he was thirsty after all those sack races. BoB then used the empty cups to dress himself up in until the plane landed.

 

 

 

Once it did, BoB went up to the door that was welded shut, sent his Charizard out, and had it blow the door open.

Strangely, everyone cheered once he was gone...

BoB Goes to the Pokémon World Championship in Boston (Part 4)

After BoB's Pokémon were healed, he threw a Pokéball, and out came his Swampert "Swapmurt, ooze surf on dem!" BoB said, and Swampert flooded the store again. "Uh-oh! You knock out all da Primal Groundhogz! Dat BAAAAADDDD, cause BoB wanted too catch one!" BoB said. "Before you knock out anymore, BoB'll ooze BoBz Master Ball! GOO, MASTER BALL!" BoB yelled, and threw it at a Shiny Mega Rayquaza, and caught it. "Ooooh... Now BoB'z Repeat Ballz should wurk! Goo, Repeat Ballz!" BoB said, and threw a couple at the Mega Raquazas. They succeeded in catching BoB another Shiny Rayquaza, and a normal Rayquaza. What BoB didn't know was that a Rayquaza had used Substitute, and BoB just caught the Substitute (don't ask how...).  "All rite, BoB'z battled enough! Goo, Timer Ball on evey won!" BoB said, and threw Timer Balls at everyone, and caught one of every Legendary. "YES! Now, Swapmeurt, ooze surf!" BoB said, and Swampert caused more water damage. All the other Legendaries fainted, and BoB picked up his Master Balls and Timer Balls. "Swapmurt, return!" BoB said, and Swampert returned in a beam of red light.

Normal logic set in again, and security came, only to see everything was soaking wet, and BoB was there, smiling about it. "GET HIM!" One security guard yelled, and they all went after BoB. BoB ran back to his hotel room, jammed the key card to the door, and  got in his hotel room, slamming the door behind him. "Phew... dat waz close... But BoB cot all uv BoB's Pokémen!" BoB sent his Pokémon out, and took a picture with them.

Suddenly, BoB got an idea. BoB went back downstairs, holding his Pikachus. BoB had used up all his BoB Logic for the day, so the Pikachus were now stuffed toy Pikachus. "All rite, BoBz takin' over dis place," BoB said, as he walked up to the clerk. "I... don't understand... what is it you want?" The clerk asked BoB. "Well, BoBz service isn't satisfactory to BoB, and BoB bored. Now, surrendur or be cuddled to death by BoBz Pikerchow army!" BoB said. "Whatever you say, sir," said the clerk. "Good. now, give BoB BoB all da room key you have!" BoB said, as the clerk handed them to him. "Tank you!" BoB said, and wandered off. BoB went to the first floor, and opened up a room. "HEY, YOU!" BoB yelled as he entered the room, and woke up the guy that was sleeping there. "All right, surrender your room, or be cuddled to death by BoBz Pikerchow army!" "I-I'm dreaming, right?" the person asked BoB. "Yeah, sure, whatever. now, fill out this form, asking if you surrender or not, den sign yer name," BoB said, and handed the person a form. Once they signed, BoB left them in peace. After a few hundred similar encounters, it was almost midnight, and BoB had "conquered" the whole building.

However, the police showed up because BoB kept saying "surrender or be cuddled to death," and someone took it as a death threat. BoB saw them pull up, and knew he only had a few minutes left. BoB started stuffing everything he could into his smaller-on-the-outside pockets, and soon the room was almost empty (BoB even accidentally took the beds in his hurry). BoB heard the cops coming, and ran to the elevators. One elevator opened up, and BoB mashed the top floor button. "HEY! Look, there it is!" Shouted a cop, and they ran at BoB. BoB pressed the close door button, and the elevator shut just in time. "QUICK, TAKE THE STAIRS!" BoB heard one of them yell.

 BoB's elevator was at the 38th floor, and BoB got to a window. He smashed the window just as the cops got up behind him. "All right, don't move or we shoot!" yelled a cop. "What happen if BoB move... away from you?" BoB asked. "Well... I guess that would be fine... Just keep  your hands where we can see them!" "Okay..." BoB said, as retook a couple steps back from the cops. "Now, let an officer come closer, and we'll only arrest you, not shoot you." the cop said. "Nice offer, but no. BoB wouldn't like it there. not 'nuff room to run around in," BoB said, as he backed away another step. "HOLD IT! Don't move another step!" said the cop. "But... you say BoB can move back... BoB confuzzled now," BoB said. "I see what you're trying to do! Now DON'T TAKE ANOTHER STEP!" Yelled the cop. "Okay... but is it okay for BoB to just learn backwards, like this?" BoB asked, as he leaned backwards. "NO! SOMEONE, STOP HIM!" yelled the cop, but he was to late. BoB leaned back and over balanced, falling out the broken window, and not taking another step, just like he was ordered to. "HAHAHA, suckerz!" BoB yelled, as he fell 38 stories towards the ground.

 

TO BE CONTINUED...

BoB Goes to the Pokémon World Championship in Boston (Part 3)

BoB dashed down escalators, jumping over people's heads, as he ran towards the Pokémon Center. He cut through the line and dashed right in. "HEY POEPLEZ, YOU GOTTA REVIVE BOBZ DUNKMORE!!!!" BoB yelled as he ran in. When BoB saw all the Pokémon stuffed toys, he forgot all about the Dusknoir for a second. "Pikerchowz, Swapmurts, Blaingkenz, Sceptilez, Gundonz, Kyogrez, Sablereyz, Latiozez, Latiazaz, Munskipz, Threeko, and tochychikinz?! WHAT A PLACE FUR BOB TOO CASH MORE POEMEN IN!" He yelled, and threw a Pokéball. "GOO, SWAPMURT!!!" BoB's Swampert came out, and BoB logic kicked in. The stuffed Pokémon came to life, and started attacking Swampert. "SWAPMURT, OOZE SURF!!!!" BoB's Swampert summoned a giant wave, and knocked out a bin full of primal Groudons. "NO NO NO YOU DUM SWAPMURT! YOU NOT SUPPSED TO KNOCK OUT EVERYTHING!!!! SWAMPER, RETURN! GOO, CHIZERARD! OOZE FLAME BURST!" BoB's Charizard came out, and used Flame Burst on a bunch of Treecko. One managed to dodge, but the others fainted, and faded into the floor. "NOW STAY STILL THREEKO... GOO, NEST BALL!" BoB yelled as he threw the Nest Ball. It hit the Treecko, and wiggled three times, and pinged. "OOOOOH YEAH, BOB GOT YA!" Just as a Mega Swampert was using Hammer arm on a Sableye standing over BoB's Nest Ball, the Sableye dodged.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" BoB screamed, as he lunged for the Nest Ball. BoB managed to grab it,, but the Swampert hit him on the back of the head. "YOO DAN SWAPMURT! YOO GAVE BOB A BOOBOO! IT GONNA HURT REAL BAD NOW! CHIZERARD, OOZE BODY SLAM!" BoB's Charizard flew up over the group of Swampert, and landed on them. "Goo work Chizerard! Now ooze Flame burst on those Sceptilezez!" Charizard shot a blast of fire, and knocked out a group of Mega Sceptile. "WAIT! If all these Pokémen iz ganging up on BoB, BoB should get to uze all of BoBz pokémen! Goo,  SPARKLY COOL MEGA GROSS! GOO, SWAPMURT! GOO, FLOATY HAND GHOST GUY!  GOO, STEELIX!" BoB's Haunter,  Shiny Metagross, Swampert, and Steelix came flying out of their Pokéballs. "EVEY WON HOO CAN, MEGAR EVOLVE!" BoB yelled. All BoB's Pokémon (except Haunter of course) mega evolved, and waited for BoB's orders. "Floaty hand ghost guy, use Dazzling Gleam on da sablereyez!" BoB's Haunter used Dazzling Gleam, and knocked out all the Sableyes. Or so BoB thought....

When Haunter was done Dazzling Gleaming, it turned out two of the Sableyes mega evolved, and blasted light back at BoB's Haunter. "Steelix, ooze double edge on one of those Sablereyez!" Steelix rammed into a Sableye, and fliched from the recoil damage. "Goo, Dusk Ball!" BoB yelled, and threw a Dusk Ball at the Mega Sableye. It made a pinging noise, and BoB ran over to it. He put it in his smaller-on-the-outside pockets, and felt Dusknoir's Pokéball. "Mr. Person Working Here, could you please use yer magic powers to heal BoBz Dunkmore?" BoB asked, as he went up to a stunned clerk. "Uh huh..." said the person standing there. "It healed now? Great!" Goo, Dunkmore!" BoB yelled, and sent out his Dusknoir. "Steel licks, ooze aqua tail on da Torchychikenz!" BoB's Steelix's tail was surrounded by water, and it smashed it down on the group of Torchics that were using Ember on Steelix. As they flew up into the air, they all fainted. "How BoB supposed ta catch them if they fade in rug? Ooooh, BoB have idear! That new fur BoB! Goo, Nest ball!" BoB said, and threw a Nest Ball at one of the Torchics before it hit the ground. "Dunmore, ooze ice punch on da Muddyskipz!" BoB yelled as the Nest Ball pinged. Dusknoir happily obliged, repeatedly using ice punch. As BoB saw Pikachus moving around, he noticed some of them were in costume. "Oooooh, BoB gotta have some uv dose! Goo, Repeat Ballz!" BoB said, and threw a handful of them. They all caught the Pikachus, but BoB missed a Pikachu Pop Star, a Pikachu Rock Star, and a Pikachu Phd. "You dan Pikerchowz! You was supposed to get caut! Goo, More Repeat Ballz!" BoB said, and threw them. They caught all the Pikachus, and an unsuspecting Mega Sceptile. BoB went and got the Repeat Balls, and noticed he now had 6 World's Exclusive Pikachus. BoB put them all in his smaller-on-the-outside pockets, and threw a Pokéball at one of the Mudkips. It popped back out, and used Whirlpool on BoB's Mega Charizard X. "Chizereard, you wounded! Return!" BoB said, and returned Mega Charizard X to its Pokéball. "Sparkly Cool Mega Gross, ooze Hold back on dat mud skip! And Swapmurt, ooze hero pump on da megar Blingkenz!" BoB's shiny Metagross used hold back on the Mudkip, and BoB threw a Great Ball at it. It pinged, and BoB picked it up. He then threw another at the Mega Blaziken, and caught it. "Good wurk evey won! Return!" BoB said. BoB pulled out his plastic Pokédex, and hooked up a special attachment to it. He put the Pokéballs in the attachment, and they were sent to his PC. "Well, dat's all uv dem!" BoB said happily. "Wait... wat happen to d legendairyz?" BoB wondered aloud.  BoB turned around, and there they were, ready to challange him. "Ummmm... Mr. stor clerk, can you wurk yer healing magic on deez?" BoB asked as he ran up to the store clerk. "BoB thinkz BoB gonna need dem..."

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED

BoB Goes to the Pokémon World Championship in Boston (Part 2)

On the first day of Worlds, BoB went to opening ceremonies. 

He saw the big Pikachu balloon hanging from the ceiling. He decided it would be cool if he could ride it, so he tried to get up on top of it.

Needless to say, it failed, and BoB was "escorted" out. BoB ran back through the doors as soon as the security guards were out of sight, but the bag check people saw him. "Hey, weren't you just kicked out?" one of them asked. "Well, yeah kinda. OHHHHHHH, LOOK A DISTRACTION!" BoB yelled as he ran through. By the time BoB got back in, the opening ceremonies were over, but someone in a big Pikachu costume was walking around so people could take pictures. BoB stood in the line,and had someone take a picture (although someone was photo bombing the picture, trying to get in there with both Pikachu and BoB.) 

The static from Pikachu's fur gave BoB a tiny shock, and BoB thought Pikachu wanted to battle. "YOU BIG MEANIE PIKERCHOW! YOU ZAP BOB! BOW BOB GONNA HAVE TOO CATCH YOO!!!!" BoB yelled, and everyone backed away slowly. "GO CHIZERARD!" BoB yelled,  BoB threw a plastic Pokéball, and (by BoB logic) a real live Charizard came out. "CHIZERARD, OOZE FLAMETHROWER!" BoB yelled, and Charizard shot flames at the Pikachu. Suddenly, BoB logic kicked in to prevent the person in the Pikachu costume getting hurt. BoB logic teleported the person in the Pikachu costume into the Pokémon store, and the Pikachu costume turned into a real Pikachu. It dodged, and used Thunderbolt on Charizard. "Ooooh, you done it now Pikerchow!" BoB yelled. "CHIZERARD MEGAR EVULVE!!!!!!!!!" BoB's Charizard evolved into mega Charizard X, and flew straight at Pikachu. "CHIZERARD, OOZE WIG ATTACK!" Charizard's wings glowed, and it hit Pikachu. Pikachu used Volt Tackle on Charizard, and took recoil damage. "YOU DUM PIKERCHOW, HOW BOB GONNA CATCH YOU IF YOU FAINT AND DISAPPEAR LIKE IN BOBZ VIDEO GAME???!" "Pika," The Pikachu said and shrugged. "DATS REALLY ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY TOO BOB?! PIKA? YOU DUM PIKACHU! CHIZERARD,RETURN!!!!!" The Pokéball suddenly retuned to BoB's smaller-on-the-outside pockets, and Charizard returned. "GO, DUSKNAR!!!! OOZE DISABLE!" Dusknoir came out of the Pokéball, and used Disable, so Pikachu couldn't use Volt Tackle. Pikachu used Fling, and threw its Iron Ball at Dusknoir. BoB's Dusknoir fainted, and BoB got super mad. "YOU DAN PIKERCHOW, YOU KILL IT! RETURN DEAD GHOST! GO, SPARKLY COOL MEGA GROSS!" BoB threw the Cherish Ball with his Shiny Metagross. "OOZE HOLD BACK!" BoB yelled. Pikachu had a higher speed, so Pikachu moved first and used Grass Knot. BoB's Metagross was only staying conscious by 35 Hit Points, but it managed to hit Pikachu with Hold Back. "GO! ULTRA BALL THING!" BoB yelled, as he threw the plastic Ultra Ball. It sucked the Pikachu up, and wiggled. One wiggle.... Two wiggles... Three wiggles... POW! Pikachu flew out of the Pokéball, and wasn't caught. Pikachu used Thunderbolt, but as it came down, BoB returned his Metagross. "GO, FLOATY HAND GHOST GUY!" BoB yelled, and threw Haunter's Pokéball. "GO, ANOTHER ULTRA BALL THING!" BoB yelled, and threw another. It wiggled once... It wiggled twice... It wiggled a third time... it started to pop open! "NO YA DON'T, PIKERCHOW!" BoB yelled, and jumped onto the Ultra Ball. From underneath BoB, the Ultra Ball made a pinging noise. "Haunter, return!" BoB yelled, and put the Pokéball in his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. "MUA HA HA HA PIKERCHOW, BOB CAUGHT YA, EVEN AFTER YOU FAINT BOBZ DUSKNOIR!" Suddenly, BoB remembered he had to take his fainted Pokémon to the Pokémon center, and he ran towards it...

 

 

PART THREE COMING SOON.

BoB Goes to the Pokemon World Championship in Boston (Part I)

BoB got on a flight to Boston, and took a cream pie with him, asking the stewardess if she could add some boston to it for him.  When the stewardess told him no, BoB sat back in his seat, and said: "Oh, you did no bring any back any frum da last flite? BoB find dat hard too beleive! YOUZ LIEING TO BOB! YOUZ LIEING TO BOB!!!!!!" After they arrived in Boston (to the relief of the stewardess) BoB ran wild through the airport. Once security threw him out, BoB went to his hotel.

BoB barely had time to unpack, before realizing he was late to register for the Pokemon World Championship. BoB dashed to the convention center, and got in line. Fortunately for BoB, he was flying from California, so his watch was three hours behind Boston time. When they opened the doors, BoB was among the first ones in. "Sir, this is not valid." said one of the people handing out the swag bags, when BoB gave them his letter written in crayon. "But BoB invited BoBz self! Why it no legal?!" "You must have a VALID invite. Not one you made up." "BUT IT NO SAY DAT EN EY WEAR!" BoB yelled as security dragged him out.

BoB got back in line, and made himself another note (but with pen this time!). While he waited, he made small talk with the other Pokémon players."Who yer favoite Pokmen?" BoB asked someone from out of nowhere. "Well, I like Gengar the best," the person replied. "NO, YER RONG. YER FAVITE IZ PIKACHU," BoB responded. BoB asked other players, and told them all the same thing. "Who yer favoite Pokmen?"  BoB asked for the 57th time. "Pikachu," said the person. "NO YER RONG. YER FAVITE IZ SQUIRTLE." When BoB got to the front of the line, he was rejected again.

The third time he got in line, he asked the person (who was dressed up in a hat and blue vest) behind him their name. BoB copied the name down, and waited. When he got to the front of the line, he handed his note up to a person who hadn't seen him before. "So...you qualified for Pokémon worlds...and you say your name is Ash Ketchum?" "Can you read? Dat way da ivatatun say lady. So dat BoBzzzzzzzz....er ASH KETCHUM'S name." "Get out. Just get out. You think your so funny don't you?" "Ya, BoB iz funny actully. So HAHAHAZ." This time, instead of grabbing BoB, the security guards threw swag bags at BoB. "BoB picked up a swag bag, and ran off happily. "THIZ IZ REALLY DA HOLE REASON BOB WAZ DARE TOODAY! TANKS MEANIE SECURITY PEPLUZ!"

We have images sent in by BoB himself, showing the contents of his swag bag.

 Also, BoB relaxing himself by inviting the people in the rooms next to him for a party. Instead of wearing a lampshade on his head, he wore Pokémon underwear: 

 

STAY TUNED FOR MORE...

BoB the Handyman

BoB decided that he needed some extra cash, and he needs his own business (besides selling shirts). So, after looking around for some time, he decided to be a handyman. BoB got his own van (borrowed it form a junkyard) and painted it. He needed a slogan, and thought about it while he painted. Turns out, he should have paid more attention to painting. BoB had forgotten to put anything over the windows, and they were covered in paint. BoB decided that the van looked pretty boring in just one color, so he smashed his head against the sides. This left BoB face shaped prints in the van (and a lot of paint on his face). After the paint dried and BoB thought up a slogan, he got another color of paint, and painted his new slogan. "BoBZ HaNdEYmANn SrVEicz. WEz PuT da HaNd iN HaNdEYmANn."

BoB put up a little sign on every sidewalk corner he could, advertising his new business, with a phone number. Not one hour later, BoB got his fist call. "Hello, BoBz handeymann srveic. Howdy BoB halp you sir ur mabe mam?" BoB asked into the phone. "Yes, my TV just broke, could you please fix it right away?" asked the man on the other of the line. After BoB wrote down his address, BoB drove down as fast as he could (which was pretty fast. BoB should be lucky he didn't have a flux capacitator, or he would have gone way over the required 88 miles per hour, and BoBabally overshot where he wanted to go.)

When he got there, he rang the doorbell. Then, just for good measure, he rang it again. And again and again, until it shorted out. The person got to the door, and swung it open. "Hello, thiz BoB frum BoBz handyman srvic. BoB here for a TV." OH, yes, that was fast. I just made that call ten minutes ago. Were you in the neighborhood?" "Nope. BoB wuz all da way 'cross town." "But... That's a thirty minute drive!" "Fur slowey pokeys mabe. But BoB cut through da park," BoB said, while the other person looked at him, dumb struck. "But... You aren't supposed to do that!" "Really? How old iz yer driver license?" "I just got it renewed this year, why?" "Humph. Well da standerds get lower an lower every year. Youz need to review da rules. Next you gonna tell BoB that BoB can't drive off the overpass! Or change lanes thru dat conkreet thing in da middle of da road, where other people drive da wrong way!  OR DRIVE THRU HOOTEL LOBIES! Aneyway, thiz is BoBz handyman srvic. Not BoBz teach stoopids how too drive! Let BoB get BoBz stuffz."

BoB went out to his van, and came back with a folding chair, a folding table, and lots of little glass bottles. "What the heck is that???!" "Datz BoBz stuffz. Naow sit down. BoBz gonna give you manly manicure!" "MANICURE???! I DIDN't WANT NO STINKIN MANICURE! I CALLED A HANDYMAN!" "And datz what you got. A manny dat deals wit handz. It not BoBz fault you to stoopid." "You idiotic thing! A handyman fixes things!" "Den why have hand in name? HUH???!!!! Aneyway, BoB will try to fix TV. Let BoB get different toolz."

BoB went back to his van, packed away his manicure things, and brought back a sledge hammer, a roll of duct tape, and his magic wand. "All rite, stand back! BoB gonna need sum room." First, BoB tried duct tape. No success. Next, BoB thought a little magic might do the trick. No such luck. BoB pulled out his secret weapon. His sonic screwdriver. He pointed it at the screen, and... WHIIIIZZZZZZ!!!! Nothing happened. "Wat DID you do?! Dis so broke, even BoB mite not be able to repear it." BoB got his sledge hammer from his belt, and got behind the TV. "All rite, BoB gonna need you to tell BoB if it turns on, kay?" "Okay." BoB swung back the sledge hammer, and... POW!!!! "Anything happen?" "Nothing." "Poopy poop." BoB tried again. "Nothing?" BoB asked for behind the TV. "Nope." "Poopitty poop poop poop poop of all da poop." BoB swung the hammer back, and tried again. still nothing. This went on for quite some time, until the person got tired of all the noise, and left.

Once it was 5:30, BoB came out from behind the TV, an said "Sorry, but da wurk day iz dun." After wondering where the person went, BoB figured it out. The person had become so depressed that their TV didn't work, they left the house. BoB figured he might as well take that source of grief off their hands. BoB stuffed the TV into his smaller-on-the-outside pockets, along with the remote, and wrothe a sticky note. He then proceeded to stick it to the wall where the TV had been. Our BoB trackers recovered it, and laughed it was a UOB (You owe BoB. Make sure you never get one. They're nasty business). Below is an exact copy of what the note said. (capital letter for capital letter).

 

OUB (YoU oWe BoBz HaNdEYmANn srvicz®)

LAbraDoR cOST: 60.57

gAS cOST: 30.58

EQQuIPmEnt cOST: 80.95

FooD cOST: 1.49

LUnSh cost: 104.83

PrICe of OXeYGeEns:  29.37

DeSTUKcion 'o pROpeRTY cOST: 555.63

StICKIEy NotE cOST: 4.99 + tax

PeN To wrITe tiZ cOST: .99 + tax

cOST cOST: 245.24

TOaDle cOST:1,114.64 +tax

TOaDle cOST cOST: 33.59

 

EnTyRe ToaDle cOST: 1148.23 + tax (TaX= 8.1 PurrrRRsCent) = $1241.24 aFTuR TaX

 

TaNK YOU FUR BYIgN BoZ, HaNdEymANn srvcz, Nd WE H0pE TOoOoOOOOoooO See yaz aGAIn!

Cheese cake day

BoB has actually tried to be good! But, it failed...

So, as you may or may not know (or care!), it is National Cheesecake Day. BoB and Joe got together (for an average of one brain cell each!), and thought about what kind of cheesecake to make. BoB suggested a metal flavored cheesecake, and Joe said a potato chip flavored cheesecake. After a few minutes of fighting, They decided on a metal potato chip flavored cheesecake. After that, they decided on what kind of cheese they wanted it to be (because BoB and Joe thought a cheesecake was made entirely out of cheese.). "SWISS!" BoB yelled. "SMELLY!" Joe yelled back. "NO! Da smell iz TARIBABLE!" "How about American cheese, BoB?" "NO! How bout British cheze?" "That's no fair to the French, BoB! French cheze!" "GERMAN!" "AFRICAN!" "No, dat kind have Ebola! CANADIAN!" "MEXICAN!" "AUSTRALIAN!" "RUSSIAN!" "MARTIAN!" "Hey, no fair! It's not even on this planet! And BoB, I'm running out of countries! Ummmmmm...I KNOW! SWISS!" "FINE! BUT BOB NEVER ASKED FOR IT! HARRUMPH!"

They turned on the oven and timer, went to the fridge, and got out the swiss cheese. "HEY! Sumbodey ate holes in da cheze! JOOOOOOOEEEEEEEE!!!!!" "I didn't do it BoB! Honest!" "Just look at tat fat belly! BoB knowz you done it Joe!" Joe swung a punch with his flabby fist at BoB, and BoB ran to the utensils drawer. BoB got out a strainer, and ran up to Joe, and smacked him on the head. Joe went and got a spoon, and started attacking BoB. BoB desperately tried to block the lethal spoon, but it knocked the strainer out of his hands. BoB opened the oven door, and tried to push Joe in, but Joe was too heavy. The lethal spoon swung at BoB, BoB rolled out of the way just in time, and landed in front of the fridge. Joe ran at BoB, but BoB hid in the fridge.

BoB now answered that old question. Does the little lightbulb in the fridge go off? The answer is, yes. BoB grabbed the closest thing he could find, and got ready to throw it at Joe. Joe opened the door, and BoB threw his hunk of cheese he had grabbed in the dark. Joe dodged, and the cheese flew into the oven. BoB jumped off Joe's head, and got a butter knife. "HAHAHAHA, JOE! WHAT YOU DO NOW?!" BoB yelled from on top of the counter. Joe grabbed a whisk, and charged. BoB did an awesome Ninja flip over Joe, and grabbed the electric mixer. BoB plugged it in, and charged at Joe. Joe tried to get out of the way, but BoB made contact! Joe Jumped back, and was cornered! BoB charged at Joe, and Joe knew it was the end. He knew he should have eaten more potato chips before this day came. He never lived his dream! His dream of being the so fat, people could actually climb up him like a mountain! His only regret was that he had never tried lemon lime flavor... But wait... Was BoB's electric mixer slowing down? There was hope! Joe might get to try Lemon lime after all! BoB's mixer was unplugged, and by the time it reached Joe, it hardly hurt at all. BoB ran back towards the weaponry...err....utensil drawer, and got a meat mallet. BoB swung it at Joe, and made contact! BoB then proceeded to bang Joe back and forth on each cheek as fast as he could. Joe got away, and got a carving fork. BoB did an overhead swing, but Joe blocked it in between the tongs of the carving fork. BoB knew he stood no chance as it was, so he ducked under Joe, and got two Pizza cutters. BoB used some duct tape to tape the handles to his feet, and soon had roller skates. BoB skated circles around Joe, and tried to kick Joe in the face. Joe raised his carving fork to ward off the blow, and there was the sound of metal scraping on metal. BoB skated past Joe, and got a cake pan. Joe lunged at BoB with all of his hundreds of pounds of body weight behind him, but BoB blocked with his cake pan shield. Joe knew he had only seconds before BoB recovered, and looked for the nearest armor he could find. When BoB looked out from his shield, he saw Joe wearing a pot as a helmet. BoB tried banging Joe on the head with his meat mallet, but the helmet made it useless! Joe disarmed BoB, and sent BoB sprawling to the floor. Joe raised the fork, and BoB knew it was all over.  Joe started to lunge with the carving fork...

BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP!BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEEP! The oven timer went off. Joe's greed overcame him, and he opened the oven. Inside, the cheese BoB threw earlier melted into Joe's idea of a perfect cheesecake. Joe got the cake cutter, and cut himself a piece. It was delicious. BoB got off the floor, and got himself a piece. "BoB soggy four trying to meat mallet you, Joe," BoB said. "It's okay BoB. Just get me some potato chips to make up for it," Joe said. Joe remembered how his only regret was that he hadn't tried lemon lime flavor. "Just make sure they're lemon lime flavor," Joe said.

There's a moral behind that... HA! You really thought that was real? This is BoB, there are no morals!

 

NOTE: hitting your cousin (or anyone else) over the head with a meat mallet is not advised.

BoB in court

The reason we couldn't post a blog on Monday was that BoB was on Jury duty, and the case was sealed. It was also partially because Joe came over, and got potato chip crumbs in our servers. Anyway, BoB got a letter to go to jury duty, and bought himself a nice (very brightly colored) suit. BoB also bought an orange bowtie, saying that: "Bowtiez, iz cool".The day before BoB was set to go in for jury selection,  he took a nice shower and everything. The person showing the house was not pleased. BoB got down to the court house right on time, (we won't bore you with the details of Jury selection) and eventually got picked (who would want BoB on the jury is beyond me).

The next day court started. BoB knew how long court takes, so he had a light snack of a car's radiator that he found in the buffet that was called " the park house". 

BoB went through the doors, and put everything in his pockets in the metal detector. Since he was wearing his trench coat with his smaller-on-the-outside pockets over the suit, there was a lot of stuff. BoB emptied his magic wand, his toy sonic screwdriver, a package of jelly beans, a spell book (spelling & grammar for first graders), paperclips to snack on, a yogurt, a spoon (for desert after the yogurt), a fez ("which he said was also "cool"), his wallet full of pennies, a long, colorful scarf, a dumbbell, a can of tuna, an MP3 player, and a can opener. As BoB went through the metal detector, it started beeping wildly. The security guards frisked BoB, found nothing, and let him through. BoB collected his stuff from the bins and started stuffing it back in his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. BoB found the courtroom, and went in.

As BoB sat through opening arguments from both sides' liars...er.. lawyers, he got very, very hungry, and started snacking on his paperclips, which still didn't fill him up. Once the liars both stood up, and were yelling about something. "ORDER! ORDER IN THE ****ING COURT!" screamed the judge. "Oh, good. Tanks. How didja know BoB wuz hungy? BoB will have a double cheeze booger, with french Fridays on the side, and a big drink o' Coke," said BoB. "What in the world?" started the judge. "Wha, BoB will pay! What da BoBlem den?... OOOoooh! You mean dat we not gettin Mcdoodoo's. Well, BoBz pizza will be a large pizza, xtrer cheeze, with pepperoni, olives, chickn, apples, lemon, peas and ten karats, eggs, pickles, qcumers, salami, ham, bacon, Canadian bacon with extra Canadian, and make da crust pretzel crust stuffed to da point a exploding, make sure to have mustard, baby q sauce, ketchup, relish, mayo, cocktail sauce, tarter sauce, TARDIS sauce, and A1 sauce mixed in with da sauce. Oh! wait, BoB forgot BoBz favorite part! Have extra metal nails, dipped in nail polish for da extrer flaver. By da way, you know why they sell nail polish in butey salons, if they sell the nails at hardware stores. It all should be in da gossery stores, since it food. Anyway, BoB want a large coke, and cheze filled breadsticks on da side. Kay?" "Sir, it is not that kind of order," the judge said. "BoB knows it a really weird order, but BoB ensures you that they do have da rare part. Da pepperoni."

After the judge got BoB sorted out, the liars kept babbling on. BoB turned on his MP3 player, and started playing music. After the judge made BoB turn it off, the lying lawyers kept droning on, and on, and on. Eventually, one of them just made so much stuff up, BoB couldn't stand it any more. "GUILY! GUILTY!!!!!!BoB shouted as he stood up. The court dissolved into chaos, and the judge yelled about orders again. "Good, will you take BoBz order dis time? BoB wants a large pizza, xtrer cheeze, with pepperoni, olives, chickn, apples, lemon, peas and ten karats, eggs, pickles, nails dipped in nail polish, qcumers, salami, ham, bacon, Canadian bacon with extra Canadian, stuffed to da point o' exploding pretzel crust, and have mustard, baby q sauce, ketchup, relish, mayo, cocktail sauce, tarter sauce, TARDIS sauce, and A.1. sauce mixed in with da sauce. Can you do dat four BoB?" "SIR. IT. IS. NOT. THAT. TYPE. OF. ORDER. Also, you do not have the power to find anyone guilty yet." BoB got up, and jumped over to the judges bench. BoB plugged his MP3 player into an audio jack, and started playing the music that played when you grabbed a hammer in Donkey kong, and started banging people on the head with the judge's gavel. "GUILTY! GUILTY!!!" BoB yelled as he pounded people over the head. The security guards came over, and tried to grab BoB.  BoB put up a valiant fight, but there were to many security guards. They grabbed BoB's arms, and held him as tight as they could. "The court will hold you in contempt, sir," said the judge. "Oh yeah? Well...well...well..TELL THE COURT BOB HOLDS IT IN CONTEMPT TOO!"

Pandemonium!

Today BoB is celebrating Pandemonium day. Clearly BoB's calender must be wrong, because Pandemonium Day is on July 14th. Anyway, BoB has caused as much  pandemonium as possible, to celebrate. First, BoB went into an arts and crafts store. He went to where they have glue, and squirted every bottle on the floor. He then got one of those staircase on wheels things, and rode it around. He nearly hit seven people, and one dog, and was headed towards a display of yarn. BoB climbed to the top of the staircase, and jumped just as the staircase collided. BoB grabbed the yarn that flew up into the air, and made a lasso. BoB swung the lasso, and got it around a lighting fixture. As BoB swung on the yarn rope, he flailed around with his feet, hitting everything he could. BoB got some watter balloons from his bigger on the inside pockets, and threw them down. BoB hit four people, seven potted plants, three canvases, and one ratty little dog. And... What was that he saw? Evil BoB.WARNING! WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS PARTLY A FIGMENT OF BOB'S IMAGINATION. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. BoB let go of his rope, and flipped like an action movie hero... Right into a wall. Evil BoB laughed. BoB ran into the bathroom to change into his super BoB costume, and when he tried to get out, the door was blocked. BoB gnawed off the door handle, and saw evil BoB had tried to lock him in.

BoB went into the paint isle, and grabbed as many squeeze bottle paints as he could find. He put the ones he couldn't hold into his smaller-on-the-outside pockets, and went to face Evil BoB. Evil BoB was standing on a shelf, and dropped some clay on BoB's head. Super BoB was ready for it, and retaliated by spraying Evil BoB with orange paint. Evil BoB got blasted back, and fell off the shelf. When he fell, he landed on Super BoB, and grabbed the paints out of his hands. Super BoB got right back up, and grabbed more paint from his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. He squirted blue paint at Evil BoB, but Evil BoB rolled and dodged, and grabbed a bottle of paint that had rolled out of Super BoB's smaller-on-the-outside pockets. Evil BoB landed a hit square it the middle of Super BoB's suit, and Super BoB got outraged. "Do ya know how much it is ta get dis ting dry cleaned?!" asked Super BoB. Super BoB squeezed his paint bottle, and Evil BoB countered. Super BoB's red paint and Evil BoB's blue paint splatted together, and made a puddle of purple paint. While Super BoB was staring at the new color, wondering how that had gotten there, Evil BoB hit Super BoB with the orange paint right in the smile, and Super BoB fell over. Evil BoB got ready to paint Super BoB once and for all, and Super BoB remembered about the wand inside his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. He slowly pulled it out, and yelled "BOBRACADADRA!!!" Evil BoB disappeared in a puff of green with purple polka dots and blue stripes smoke.

"Tank you! Tank you!" said super BoB, as everyone crowded around applauding. "Now, for pandemonium day, BoB has made sum pandermonium! BoB don't need your Tank yous. All in two and a half days work!" Super BoB went towards the back entrance, while yelling "DUM DUM DUM DUM DA DUUUUUUUUUUUM!" Super BoB then hid in a broom closet, and waited for his adoring fans to leave. BoB is still currently in there, waiting for people to leave.

BoB's 4th of July

We didn't post this blog on Monday or Tuesday, because we wanted to make sure BoB was all right. Our BoB trackers (who weren't doing their job, clearly) sent BoB some chocolates and flowers, and one even sent BoB a BoB stuffed animal. Anyway, BoB was setting up for his Fourth of July since the second of July, and had a lot of fireworks. He got his magical duct tape out, and taped every single firework together. However, BoB did his right next to a match factory. He found a match, and wondered what it would do (because BoB has never seen a match before, he's only seen a lighter). He tried sticking it in his ear, licking it, and tap dancing on top of it. He then rubbed it on the ground, to get the BoB slobber off. It lit up, and BoB dropped it in fright. It landed on the fuse, an it caught on fire. BoB jumped in front of the fire works display, yelling: "NO! NO! YOU NOT GET TA BLOW, YA DUM TING!!!" BoB jumped on top of the fireworks, hoping that they wouldn't go off. Guess what? They did. BoB flew miles in the air, and screamed as loud as he could. The fireworks exploded, and spelled out: "BoBz COOL." BoB fell from a couple miles up, and landed right on his rear. So you see, that, is why BoB was in the hospital. Rump roast.

Harry BoBer

BoB hasn't BoBeen up to much this week, because he was suffering from extreme boredom. Anyway, as you may know, the author of Harry Potter announced that a new play would be coming out next year. Well, BoB is a fan of Harry Potter (not that he knows what any of it means, he just likes saying all the spells.) and heard about it, too, and decided he wanted a part in the play. So BoB decided that he would reherse his lines. BoB thought by lines, it meant a line. Like this: _________.  So BoB got a bucket of chalk, and started drawing lines on anything within reach. A rain storm started, and started washing BoB's chalk lines away. "HEY! YOU NASTY RAINERZ, WASHING BOB'Z LINEZ 'WAY!!!" BoB yelled up into the clouds. "BOB WORK FOR HOURS ON IT, AND DEN YOU JUST WASH IT AWAY!!! BOB'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!!" BoB got some big jars, and put them outside, and yelled: "YOU DUM RAIN! NOW YOU TRAPPED!!!"

After this, BoB walked through a park on his way to a store, to get more chalk. He picked up a stick of the ground and waved it around, and pointed it at an apple tree. "BoBracadabra!" BoB yelled, and an apple fell of the tree. BoB thought he had found a magic wand, and went: "DA APPLE FELL OF! DA APPLE FELL OFF! LOOK! IT MAGIC BOB!" Now, it could have had something to do with the apple being ready to fall of, and it being a coincidence, but let's let BoB believe that he found a magic wand. 

BoB walked in to town, and looked for more stuff he could do with the magic wand, and saw some fire works. "BoBracadabra!" he yelled, and pointed the wand at the fire works. The fuse had already been lit, and ran out just as BoB pointed the stick at it. The fire works went off, and BoB had an idea. He would go around, and give people their Hogwarts letters. He ran off, got some paper and a green crayon from his smaller-on-the-outside pockets, and started writing letters. He then walked up to a random house, held his wand in his hand, and did a nonverbal spell of "BOBracadabra!" When that didn't work, He rang the doorbell. When nobody instantly came to the door, he rang it again. And again and again and ag- well, you get it. But those people must have had a sound proof door or something, because nobody came. BoB kicked the door open, and yelled: "YER A HAIRY WIZZARD!" at the top of his lungs. He then threw one of his Hogwarts letter at them, picked the door up off the floor, and ran away from the stunned looking people.

He proceeded to do this all day, until he saw a little shack on a rock in the ocean. He swam there with his wand in one of his smaller on the outside pockets, and got to the door. He kicked the door open, and screamed, as loud as he could, louder than ever before: " YER A HAIRY WIZARD!!!!" The people inside fell over in shock, and some one in the other room came out with a shotgun. BoB dropped to the ground and yelled one of his other favorite spells. "EXPELL YER ARMZ OFF!" The person dropped his gun in fright of the sight of BoB's face. "That more like it," said BoB, getting back up. "What you doing in that kitchen?" BoB asked. "Ooooooooh! Yer making a cake!!!" BoB said, and walked over to the cake. BoB abruptly sat on the cake, and got back up. "There. Now it just like in da book!" BoB noticed the man picking up his shot gun, and decided it was time to go. "Well hear, have a hoggy wort letter, and enjoy da BoB butt flavorin' BoB gave you when BoB sat on da cake!" BoB said as he ran off. BoB jumped into the water, as the man fired shots after BoB. 

Wondering what was it those letters BoB sent? Well, our BoB trackers managed to retrieve one. We have copied the text exactly how it was written.

DEaR ___(YER NAME heAr)____ YOU have BeEnN selECtEd tOO go to Hogz aND wartz scooL Of wItch artz aNd craftz and wHizzard die. PLeAse get yer rump down to platform 9 3/4, or BoB WILl have ToO kiCk it theIR. Tank you. -BoB."

BoB's Comic Con

So, remember a couple of weeks ago when BoB thought he was a super hero? Well, BoB remembered too. It seems he made an appearance at the Las Vegas Comic Con, thinking that hundreds of fans would be there, lining up to get his autograph. So he got into costume and ran through the security guards, who thought he was just another person in a costume. BoB set up the folding table that he bought last week (which he had stored in his smaller-on-the-outside pockets) and started hoping people would line up. When nobody did, BoB looked around the crowd, and saw someone. The one that was strong enough to break free of the strongest bonds in the world - two ply toilet paper - Evil BoB, carrying a bag of stolen comic books. BoB got up, and chased after Evil BoB.

Super BoB chased Evil BoB in between crowds of people in costumes, and yelled, "stop baddie BoB!" Super BoB grabbed all the equipment he might need (A sonic screwdriver toy, and a laser blaster toy that shot darts) and left a fifty on the table. BoB used some glue that was hidden in his smaller-on-the-outside pockets, and put some on the tip of a dart. He then attached the sonic screwdriver toy to the dart. BoB Put a very small rubber band on the screwdriver toy, over the button, causing it to light up and make noise. BoB continued to chase Evil BoB, and evil BoB BoB ran towards the concession stands. Knowing that he only had one shot, BoB aimed the ray blaster toy, and fired. The dart flew past Evil BoB's head, and Evil BoB knew he could make it to safety without being caught. Then the dart hit the popcorn popper. The top popped off, and the popcorn popper fell on its side, and started popping popcorn, right at Evil BoB's face. "GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Evil BoB, as the burning hot popcorn hit his face.

BoB tied Evil BoB up, (in three ply toilet paper this time) and waited for the security guards. After five minutes, BoB decided that they were taking long enough, and screamed: "GUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS!" at the top of his lungs. The guards came running over, and BoB looked down at evil BoB, only to find he was gone. The security guards got mad at BoB for making such a mess, and didn't believe BoB about Evil BoB. 

Now, in case you haven't noticed, Evil BoB seems to just be, as BoB would say, "A Fig Newton of BoBz imagination", seeing as how BoB seems to punch or kick himself if Evil BoB lands a blow, and how Evil BoB can't be captured, because he doesn't exist. BoB decided rather than being captured, he would run out the fire exit. So thats exactly what he did.

BoBs Smile Power day.

So, as you may know, yesterday was Smile Power Day. BoB decided he was good at smiling, but other people needed some practice. So first BoB was just walking on the street, until he found someone frowning. "Why you frowny, buddy?" asked BoB. "Because it's better that smiling," said Mr. Frowny. BoB took that personally, and got very angry. "NOW YOU LISTEN HERE MR. FROWNY! TODAY  SMILE DAY. AND IF YOU NOT SMILE BOB GET LOTS O DUCK TAPE TO MAKE YOU SMILE!" "Y-y-yes... thing," said Mr. frowny, and smiled, then ran for his life.

BoB then went back to walking on the street, but his feet got tired. So he went to a store, bought a folding table, some paper, crayons, and some duct tape. He set up the folding table, wrote a sign that said "SmILe Boot h: ONe doLlAR" and stood behind it. It wasn't long until some curious person stopped, and walked over. "Hello, do ya want a smile on yer face? It only a dollar!" said BoB. "Well, I guess for only a dollar..." the person said, and gave BoB a dollar. "Thanks! Now, sit still, an close yer eyes," BoB said, as he grabbed the duct tape. BoB then put duct tape all over the person's face, and made it seem like they were smiling, if looked at from far away. (And I mean FAR away... Like the other side of the continent.) "That all. It done. You should keep it on for couple 'o days. That way it look better. Oh, and you go now," said BoB. The person opened their eyes, and ran off. "COME BACK SOON! TELL YER FAMILY BOUT BOB! BOB 'L GIVE EM A DISCOUNT! BOB 'L MAKE IT ONLY NINETY NINE CENTS!!!!" BoB yelled.

After having a couple more people come by, BoB remembered something. Someone that could really use Smile Power Day. BoB ran to the airport, and booked a flight that left in ten minutes, and ran as fast as he could towards the flight. When he got to the metal detectors, he saw airport security harrasing somebody with something metal. "What da BoBlem?" BoB asked security. "Well, you're not allowed to take metal items on the plane with you," said the security guard." BoB grabbed the thing out of the persons hand, and ate it. "Tere! Now everything better. No metal." "Sir, please step through the metal detector," said security. BoB stepped through, and it started beeping like crazy. "GET HIM!" yelled a security guard, and every security guard was after BoB. It's just as well BoB never managed to get on the plane, because I don't think the Buckingham palace guards would have liked it very much.

BoBz Boring Superman day cellibrateion

Hello? HELLO? HELLO??????? Wha, too loud? Iz thiz bettr? How bout thiz? Anywayz, too cellibrate nationl Superman day tooday, BoB dressed up in a super BoB costume yesterday, and looked four crimme to fight. BoB stood on a taaaaaaaaaaaaaall building, and looked around. When BoB sawed some idoit robbing the bank, BoB jumped off the building and screamed "THIZ LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR SUPER B-O-O-O-O-O-O-B!" BoB used BoBz built in glidy thing to fly over the streets, and BoB payed to much attention to da streets. BoB crashed into a taaaaaaaaaaaaall building (not a taaaaaaaaaaaaaall building, but a taaaaaaaaaaaaall building. It have one less a.) and BoB falled down ten stories. Right onto da criminal. Izn't BoB smart?

Later, BoB got back on top of BoBz taaaaaaaaaaaaaall building, and looked for crime to fite. When it started too get dark, and BoB hadn't reatched BoBz quota four the day, so BoB changed into a burerlar costume, and went down to walmart (Where Mr.veryangryfornogoodreasonmeaniepants'scousin waz.) And stole a coke (but it did  have BoBz name on it!) just so BoB had crime to fite. Evil BoB ran under Mr.veryangryfornogoodreasonmeinepants'scousin, and ran to a street corner, and hid da can. Then BoB ran back to BoBz taaaaaaaaaaaaaall building, changed BoBz outfit to da super BoB one, and yelled "THIZ LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR SUPER B-O-O-O-O-O-O-B!" And glided around again. Super BoB landed on da street corner where Evil BoB put the Bag, and punched Evil BoB in Evil BoBz evil face. BUT EVIL BOB WAZ A NASTY CHEATER! HE GRABBED BOTH SUPER BOBZ ARMZ!!! Evil BoB broked both of Super BoBz armz, and ran back to walmart to get another can of Coke. Evil BoB got one that said "share a coke with Bob" (But they didn't spell BoBz name rite) And walked out out the exit.

Mr.veryangryfornogoodreasonmeaniepants'scousin tried to stop evil BoB, but evil BoB logically (iz tat how u spell it? BoB never use that word.) pointed out that ten  Mr.veryangryfornogoodreasonmeaniepants'scousin wouln't be shareing a Coke with BoB, and walked back to da street corner with the Coke. He reatched for the bag and ten... POW! BAM! KABLOOSH! AND OTHER COMIC BOOK NOISES! In da way only a movie action hero could, Super BoB healed his broked arms! He catched evil BoB with some toilet paper, and tied him up in it (cuz itz strong... It's two ply!). When the cops got there, evil BoB escaped! The cops tried to give Super BoB da metals of onor (It looked like too bracelets with a chain holding them toogether) but BoB wouldn't accept it. BoB got a huge fan out of BoBz pocket (and maybe you wondering how BoB got it in BoBz pocketz. Simple. They're bigger on the inside), and plugged it into a plug. BoB pointed the fan up at the glidey thing built into BoBz costume, and started to fly. "Bye city! Bye Bye! See you next year! Make sure to catch evil BoB! Good bye!" Super BoB said. Then BoB started humming dramatic  music. Then the plug for da fan unplugged. So BoB falled twenty stories this time.

 

 The End. (Q dramatic music!)

 

Dun-dunna Dun, Dun Dun Dun Da Dun! Dun Dun Dun! Dun Dunny Dun Dunny Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Du--- STUPID BROKEN RECKORD!!!! GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

 

P.S. BoB starting to think that evil BoB was just a Fig of BoBz imaginatin.

 

 

Thiz BoBlog Brot too you by: BoB

BoB and the Womens World Cup

Once BoB escaped from the medical research lab (see last post) he heard someone talking about the Women's World Cup being held in Canada, and thought it was some sort of international tea party. So BoB went to a nearby shop that sold really fancy tea cups (Walmart) and grabbed as many as he could carry. He saw a security guard running in front of him and stopped, with his mouth hanging wide open. "Mr. veryangryfornogoodreasonmeaniepants? Iz tat you????" BoB said. "What the.. wait, you're that... that...THING from before! I'll stop you this time!" the security guard said. BoB grabbed a teacup and threw it at him and ran for the exit, dropping a couple of hundred dollar bills in the process. "I'll get you next time you... THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the security guard yelled.

BoB got to a dark alley, and started breaking every tea cup. When every one of them was just big shards, BoB got out some glue and started gluing them into one huge tea cup. Once it was put together, (and filled with tea) BoB borrowed a helicopter and some cables, and attached the giant tea cup to the helicopter. He lifted off, the cup of tea under him, and the tea sloshing out of the cup, and raining on the people below. When he got to Canada, he learned that the World Cup was a soccer event, and that the Norway vs. Thailand game would be the next day. BoB got to the stadium, and let himself in. He (invisibly) watched the game, but was confused as to what a PK was. BoB had been trying to learn English, and this still didn't make sense to BoB. Once it was explained to BoB that it stood for penalty kick, he said: "Why use letters that no BoB under stan, if you could call it the same thing?"

BoB also sent us a letter that just arrived today, that he had mailed just after the game.

Do PK stand four purple kangeroo, or pink kangeroo? Cause you know, them purple ones hate eveything, and hurt peoplez. BoB wuz just concerned four peoplez safety.

Yes BoB, we know. those purple kangaroos are evil.

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The Smappy Blog

The Tower

"It seemz like it'z takin furever," BoB said, pacing around the control room, as the moving parts inside the central column rose and fell. "Afterall, we iz just tracing a call, how long can it take?" BoB said, looking at the monitor attached to the column. "There appears to be something slowing time down, slowing down the Escape Pod," Celliri said. Without warning, a bright purple light burst through the floor under the column of the control room, illuminating everything and tinting it slightly purple. The column started to rise and fall, but it was stuttering. Instead of the usual noise, it made a sound more like a stuttering car engine. "Celliri, wat'z happening?" BoB said, dashing around the controls. "We appear to be caught in some kind of tractor beam," Celliri said, as the noise grew faster. "Da controlz aren't wurkin!" BoB yelled as the noise grew louder and faster. The Escape Pod was shaking violently as the column returned to its usual pace, and the materialization noise roared louder than ever throughout the room.

The light had faded as the Escape Pod materialized, and everything seemed normal. BoB got back up off the floor, and looked around the room, inspecting it for damage. When he saw it was just the same as before, he walked to the door, and opened it inwards. Right outside, there was a person with some sort of gun, pointed directly at his face. "And hello to you too," BoB said, looking at the gun. "Fine weather we're havin," BoB said, calmly walking past the person, and shutting the escape pod door. "Actually, we might not be havin weather, who knowz. Do we have weather?" BoB asked, turning back towards the person with the gun. "You are under arrest for-" started the person, but BoB interrupted. "Fur what? Parking violation? Illegal breathin? Or do ya just not like BoB very much?" BoB asked. "You are under arrest for materialization of a time machine upon the premises." said the police alien. "Well, itz not like dare wuz much choice, wuz dare?" BoB said. "Who set dat up anyway? Why would dey want to drag time machinez in here if dey don't want dem parking here?" BoB asked, pacing around the room and examining it.

The floor was made of a dull, dark grey metal. It was an irregular shape, seemingly having no symmetry. The walls were made up of hexagonal columns, interlinked in no real pattern. The columns were made of an even darker grey metal, with emerald green stripes on every corner of them. There were a couple of tunnels, but they were too poorly lit to be able to see more than a few feet in. The ceiling was black, and seemed to show either stars or lights in it, though it was too high up to be sure. The only feature of the room was a slightly raised platform that BoB's Escape Pod had landed on, where the police alien was still standing, angered that BoB didn't seem afraid of him. "You will be silent, and be taken to the project leader for questioning," shouted the police alien. "Oh, he wants to answer sum questionz? Good," BoB saind, hopping back up onto the raised floor. "No, you will be questioned. Don't you know how this works?" asked the furious alien."Yes, and it usually doez end up with BoB askin da questionz. Now, come on, quick, ya gotta take BoB to yer leader," BoB said, letting himself be led away.

BoB was led down a few passageways, and then into a large grey room. Its walls, floor, and ceiling were all painted a dark grey, and seemed to be made out of stone. On the right side of the room were two normal looking jail cells, with a wall of metal bars dividing them. The bars were made of the same dark grey metal as the walls in the room BoB had landed in. As the police alien closed the cell door behind him, BoB looked around the cell. The only thing in it was a slab of metal welded to the wall, which had a mattress and a bright red blanket on top of it. It was obviously intended to only be a temporary holding cell, presumably to hold people before a trial. Within minutes the police  officer returned, with someone else behind him. The new alien looked like a normal person. He was slightly overweight, with grey hair and a moustache.

BoB jumped up from where he had sat down on the bed, and rushed over the cell door. "Hello, yer hear fur questionin, right?" BoB said, reaching through the bars to shake the old alien's hand. "Well, BoB haz sum questionz fur ya, so it'z a good thing ya came. Question one iz: why do ya have a tractor beam directly into time? Question two: Why do ya just throw dem in jail as soon as they show up? Doezn't it ever occur to ya dat if someone has a time machine, dey might also be able to open a lock? And question three: Why are ya so unprepared fur when sumone doez show up? Dis cell iz old. Everythin in it is covered in dust," BoB said, rubbing his foot across the floor and wiping away dust. "Da barz are rustin. Dat lock seemz very out of date. And while da cop did arrest BoB, he didn't seem very prepared. It took him a couple uv minutez before he was yellin and angry, before dat he just seemed shocked," BoB said, looking at the cop.

"So it really works?" said the grey haired alien." "So wat really wurkz?" BoB asked. "Look, doez BoB need to ask ya doez questionz again? Did ya stop listening?" BoB asked. "The Timenet, the thing you were brought here by, it must work," said the alien. "If ya mean a big purple light thingy, den yes, it wurked. Why? Did ya expect it not to?" BoB asked. "You came here in a time machine though. You must be able to help us. Please, you must help us," said the alien. "Well, BoB could help a lot better if BoB wuzn't in a cell," BoB said. "Oh of course, sorry. Officer please release him," said the alien. "I'm the project leader," said the alien, holding out his hand. "BoB'z BoB, time traveler and profeshinal sign inspector," BoB said, shaking the project leader's hand over-enthusiastically. "So, dis project, wat iz it?" BoB said. "Ah, yes, follow me then," the project leader said, walking of. BoB followed him, with the police officer right behind him.

BoB was led through identical corridors, until they came to a small balcony-like room. Is was mostly made of glass, with the front of it having a panel covered in screens and keyboards. It overlooked a room filled with people in lab coats. The room was very large, with walls made out of the same grey metal as everywhere else. There were rows of computer desks with scientists working at them, and on the far wall was a blue tinted computer screen.

"This is where we made our calculations for the flight," the project leader said. "Wat iz da flight? Yer not being very useful here," BoB said. "A long time ago, scientists realized that very soon, our sun would warm up too much, destroying our planet. We set to building this whole building out of the toughest material on the planet. It could withstand a nuclear blast, we hoped it would be enough to keep us safe. This building, the Tower, holds every single person that lived on the planet. But as we were loading everything else into the Tower, the planet's surface had gotten too warm to go outside. We had underestimated how long the Tower would take to build. Some vital supplies hadn't managed to be brought inside, including some vital parts needed in the machines to keep growing food forever. We had enough to get them running, but over time the replacements broke down. We're slowly growing worse and smaller crops every year, with no way to fix it. We can't go outside, the entire planet is burned. It's been so long, space around the planet is far too warm. We don't have enough materials to build a ship large enough to save everyone and able to withstand the heat." "Ah. So ya figured if ya could make a time machine, ya could get off da planet before it ever burned, or at least rescue enough materialz to be able to build a big enough ship," BoB said.

"Only sumthin went wrong, didn't it? Somewun here did dare math wrong, and da test ship got thrown off into time," BoB said. "Yes. The boss demanded we speed up the project, without regards for consequences. Somewhere along the line, someone messed up. The ship was lost, and now we have no hope of being saved." "So ya wurked out a way to launch a tractor beam into time, and pull out da first passing ship ya could, and hope dey'd help ya," BoB said. "What? No," said the project leader, looking suprised. "No? Wat do ya mean no? Ya can't mean no, BoB'z alwayz right. Well, sumtimez right," BoB said. "The Timenet was launched to capture the ship when it came back around." "Came back around? Wat do ya mean?" BoB asked. "We have discovered  that time is all a closed loop. At the end of time, when the last thing disappears from reality, a big bang will happen, creating the start of the universe all over again," said the project leader. "What? Are all yer scientists stupid or sumthin? Sure, there may be somthin dat createz a new universe at the end of time, but it won't create dis universe!" BoB yelled. "Yer never going to catch them, because dare never goin to come back around. Ya just sent doze people, and yer only meanz of escape, fallin back through time towardz da begining of da universe," BoB said. "Who decided dat wuz a good plan?" BoB asked, angrily. "I did. I have been given the highest authority in the Tower, because unless the project succeeds, we're all doomed," said the project leader.

"But you can save all of us. You can go back in time to bring us the materials before the planet was burned," said the project leader. "No, BoB can't. BoB'z landed here, and iz part of events now. If da past iz changed, dis will have never happened. It will create a paradox. Really, how dumb are yer scientists?" BoB said. "But surely you can at least stop the flight from ever taking off in the first place, right?" "No. It'z already happened, and ya can't change dat. Da only thing BoB can do iz get dem off da ship after dey've taken off," BoB said. "But how will that help save all of us?" asked the project leader. "It won't. But at least den dey will be safe fur now. BoB will try to bring back any equipment off da ship BoB can, but dat'z all dat can be done. Den BoB will come back, and try and think up a new plan." "Very well. I'll switch off the Timenet," the project leader said, going to the far end of the balcony and messing with the controls.

BoB was led back to his Escape Pod, and opened the door. "How will you find the ship?" asked the project leader. "Ah, dat'z a good question," BoB said. "Hang on, back in a second," BoB said, shuttng the door. Seconds later, the Escape Pod was dematerializing, as the bright light shining from the inside slowly faded brighter and darker. Just as it had disappeared completely, it started to rematerialize. BoB burst out of the door. "Did you save them?" asked the project leader. "No not yet, BoB had to share da brilliant thing BoB just did," BoB said. "See, BoB can't change events ya know happened, but BoB can change events nobody knowz happened. So, since ya never mentioned if dare wuz, say, a tracking device dat could measure exactly when in time da ship wuz, BoB could put dat on da ship, as long as no one saw BoB," BoB said. "And now dat BoB'z shared BoB'z brilliance with ya, BoB'z off," BoB said, leaping back into his Escape Pod. "Be back in five minutez," BoB said, shutting the door. The Escape Pod once again started to dematerialize with a loud wheezing, scraping noise, and faded out of existence.

"Now, becuze we're movin through time to get to da ship which iz also travelin through time, day're goin in real time in comparisun to da Escape Pod," BoB said, pushing the engines to full power. In the central column the poles were rising and falling quicker, and the engines were roaring. Sparks shot out of one side of the control panel as the room shook. On the screen, BoB could see the ship ahead of them, tumbling through time, with seemingly no control. The Escape Pod started to land, and the view was replaced with a metal wall. BoB opened the door, and saw he was in an empty room, barely large enough to hold the Escape Pod. BoB pressed a button on a small control panel on the wall he was facing, and the door slid open. "Who are you?" Yelled someone from BoB's left. BoB looked, and saw someone wearing a blue jumpsuit with orange lines on it, pointing a huge gun at him. "Hello to ya too. Iz da only way people can introduce demselvez by pointin gunz at BoB?" "How did you get on this ship?" asked the crew member. "Well, ya see, it'z quite a funny story. See, BoB wuz sent here frum da future to save ya and da ship, becuze yer scientists are all incredibly stupid, so yer accidentally being sent to the begining of da universe, where ya will disintigrate into nothin," BoB said. "Whats so funny about that?" asked the crew member. "Ya mean ya don't find dat funny? Good. Den ya might want to listen to BoB," BoB said.

BoB walked towards the crew member, and then right past him as he raised his gun again. "Where do you think you're going?" he asked. "To da front of da ship, where everybody else iz, and where da controlz are. Come on," BoB said, running down the narrow corridor. "I can still shoot you," said the crew mwmber. "Well hurry up already, BoB doezn't have all day. But seeing az how BoB'z yer only hope of getting off dis ship before ya disintegrate into before time, maybe ya should consider not doin dat," BoB said. BoB had come to a door at the end of the passage, and opened it up. On the other side was a huge room. The floor was beige metal, with little bumps on it. The front of the ship was a huge window taking up most of the ceiling too. The part of the ceiling what wasn't a window was silver, with small lights in it, lighting up the whole room. At the very front of the ship were the controls, on a huge dashboard. In front of it was a leather chair mounted in a groove in the floor, presumably to allow it to roll along the rail so one person could operate the controls.

"Attention crew memberz!" BoB yelled as he dashed into the room. "Ware currently headed back towardz da beginning of da universe in an out of control ship with no wayz of actually flying it, but don't worry, becauze BoB'z here, and it would probably be greatly appreciated if ya don't shoot BoB," BoB said. "Who in the world are you, and how did you get on this time ship?" asked one of the two crew members in the room. "Never mind dat, ask yer friend with da gun," BoB said. "Now you know what's interestin? Da fact dat dis ship wuz only built in two dayz. Anyone care to explain dat?" BoB asked. "How did you know that?" asked the crew member with the gun. "BoB looked ya up on da way hear," BoB said. "Might it have sumthin to do with da thingz all three of ya are carrying on yer beltz? BoB asked, grabbing one out of a crew member's belt. Wat iz this?" BoB asked, waving it around. "It's a tool used to build things. It scans every atom of something, deconstructs it, and then can accurately rebuild it somewhere else. You can set it to specifically what you'd like to build if you have blueprints," said the crew member with a gun. "Good. What ya need to do iz take az much of dis ship apart az possible. Every piece iz important. We need to get az much az possible back to da tower," BoB said. "But first, someone needz to show BoB da power room," BoB said.

The power room was just down the hall. On the way there, a crew member had explained that the engine was using a new experimental form of power that was decaying, probably because it was surrounded by time energy all around the ship. The power source was the only thing lit up in the dark room. Tubes hung from the ceiling, lit by the bright white light in the center of the room. BoB pulled the Universal Remote out of his pocket, and hit the rewind button. "What did you do?" asked the crew member, as the light grew stronger. "It'z a Universal Remote. It can use limited time effectz, such as temporarily rewinding sumthin back in time fur a while. Unfortuneately, da power source iz still decaying, and it will keep gettin faster until the time effect warez off," BoB explained, leaving the room and heading back to the front of the ship.

"Hey, you can't touch those controls," the crew member said to BoB, who was now sitting in the chair by the controls. "Well, if ya wanted to not be blasted back before time, den sure, but ya probably didn't want that, did ya?" BoB said, trying to steer the ship. "Da problem iz, both da end and da begining of time are like black holez to time machinez. If ya get too close, the pull of it will suck ya in and destroy da ship," BoB said, trying to turn the ship around. BoB put the thrusters up to full power, and the ship started to shake and rattle. "Not enough of da ship haz been deconstructed. We'll never get away in time. BoB will have ta find another way to save dat planet," BoB said, hitting a button to talk on the ship's speakers. "Everyone, get back to da front of da ship az fast as possible. We'll never escape in dis ship, but BoB'z should make it. It'z hidden in a small room. Just look fer da red phone booth, ya can't miss it unless yer incredibly stupid," BoB said, getting up from the controls.

Minutes later, all three crew members were inside the Escape Pod, and BoB took off. After a few minutes of whezing and groaning, the Escape Pod landed again.

"Dey'll be happy to see ya, don't worry. BoB wuz only gone fur about five minutes anyway," BoB said, throwing the Escape Pod door open. Outside, a large group of police officers were gathered. They all pointed they're guns at BoB in unison. "Or maybe a bit longer then five minutes," BoB said quietly to himself.

 

To be continued.

Long Wait

"Celliri, ware iz we headed?" BoB asked as his escape pod started to materialize. "We are landing on Triton, one of Neptune's moons," Celliri said, as an image of it popped up on one of the screens. "It lookz like a giant cantaloupe," BoB said. "It is unknown what causes that sort of terrain. It's surface is covered with ice, and it appears to have cryovolcanoes that erupt on its surface," Celliri said as the escape pod landed. "Records indicate that the planet has slowly been heating up for the last couple thousand years for unknown reasons, possibly related to the planet's core heating up," Celliri said as BoB put on his spacesuit. "It should be eazy to find da scape pod piece if it'z an uninhabited moon," BoB said, opening the door. BoB looked on a digital map in the corner of the spacesuit's visor. "Celliri, why'd ya park so far away?" BoB asked, heading towards the signal of the escape pod piece. "It was not possible to land any closer due to dangerous terrain," Celliri said. "So it'z better to walk a couple miles in dangerous terrain with volcanoes?" BoB asked, walking back into the escape pod. BoB grabbed the joystick, and flew the escape pod closer to where the signal was.

The entire escape pod shook, and BoB fell to the floor. "Celliri, wat wuz dat?" BoB asked, grabbing the joystick and trying to get back in control as the escape pod twisted wildly through the sky. "Your driving skills flew the escape pod right above a cryovolcano as it erupted," Celliri said. BoB managed to get the escape pod back under control, and flew on, until they were close to the signal. BoB Looked at the monitor again, and saw that they were now further away. BoB pulled the escape pod back, and they were suddenly closer to the signal. BoB brought the escape pod down, and opened the door. "But whyz dat?" BoB asked, opening the door. "For dat to happen, da scape pod piece would have to be straight down from here," BoB said, about to step out the door. Right in front of BoB, a giant blast of ice erupted, shot off into space. "Well, itz a good thing da scape pod haz a forcefield," BoB said.

The escape pod was now positioned right at the edge of a large slope on the hole where the ice was blasted out. The hole was a couple miles wide, but at the bottom of the slope, there was something looking like a dull bronze. "Well, lookz like BoB'z going down dare," BoB said. BoB got a long cord meant for spacewalks from a closet hidden in one of the walls, and hooked one end of it to a handle on the control console. BoB checked to make sure he had the Universal Remote in one of the space suit pockets, and jumped out the door, sliding down the smooth icy slope.

At the bottom, BoB saw a metal hatch with a wheel on the end of it. BoB turned the wheel, and the hatch swung outwards. BoB looked inside, and his tether pulled tight, stopping him from going any further. BoB took the tether off and stepped inside, closing the hatch behind him. BoB saw the inside had a breathable atmosphere, and took his helmet off. BoB looked around, and saw he was in what looked like a small ship, with blue and green hologram screens along one wall, and a long couch looking thing at the other, with hatches all along the wall behind it. At the other end of it was what looked like a door, with a screen next to it. BoB pressed the screen, and the door opened up into a small airlock with another screen. BoB pressed on the other screen, and the door in front of him opened as the one he had just came out of closed behind him.

The area outside the airlock was a giant room so high BoB couldn't even see the ceiling. It featured a giant glass column filled with a faintly glowing dark blue liquid, which appeared to be the only source of light, leaving the edges of the round room dark. In the liquid symbols seemed to float by slowly, changing as they rose up to the ceiling. To BoB's right the ceiling sloped downwards into view, where it led to many massive hallways. The walls of the hallways seemed to be filled with smaller tubes, stacked on top of each other, all of them filled with a blue liquid like what was in the big column. The hallways all had balconies facing the giant column, with no visible way to get up or down from them. There were no staircases, and no shafts that could have any sort of elevator. The hallways all stretched on too far to see the ends of them, leading into darkness.

BoB walked over to the giant column, and saw a gray stone looking slab connected to its side. On the ground in front of the slab was a round platform in the floor, made out of the same material. BoB touched the slab, and it was filled with a blue glow like the mysterious liquid was giving off. The strange symbols that had been floating up started to float back down the column, appearing on the glowing slab. "Celliri, wat iz dis?" BoB asked. "It appearz to be a keyboard, but if it iz, den why iz da letterz not being automtically translated?" "It does not match any language recognized. It may be because nobody has ever encountered this language, or because the language is so old nobody uses it. Programs are being run to decipher the language, checking the future and past to see anything that may decipher the language," Celliri said.

BoB tapped on one of the symbols, and the platform he was standing on shook. Blue handrails appeared on the edges of the platform as it floated up, and over to one of the balconies. Halfway towards it, another platform jut like it floated next to it the opposite way, empty. The platform BoB was riding one settled into a indentation that the other platform must have just been in, and the guardrail disappeared. BoB walked down the corridor, past thousands of tubes stacked on top of each other. BoB looked in one, and inside he could see a vague outline. "Dis stuff iz probably used in suspended animation hear," BoB said out loud to himself, walking down the corridor further.

BoB inspected more as he went down the hall, but the liquid was too thick to see more than a vague outline of each tube's inhabitants. "Freeze, Rosgak spy!" yelled a voice behind BoB, as a gun was pointed at his back. "Ah, hello, how are are you?" BoB asked, whipping around. "Nice weather we're having. Well, actually not weather, dis is a space ship, ya probably don't get much of dat around here. Anyway, BoB here'z a profesinal sign inspector, and- oh, nice face," BoB said, as he looked at the creature pointing the gun at him. It looked vaguely like a person, but with a pterodactyl-like head. It was wearing an armor made from the same stone like material the keyboard on the tube was. There were groves in the armor where more blue liquid ran through, with the same symbols as in the column.

"Cease your talking, spy," said the alien. "And hello to ya too. Who are ya?" BoB asked. "I am Gavak, third in command on this Hafrean warship," said Gavak, angrily. "BoB'z BoB, head of da... uh, escape pod, time traveling telephone booth." "You will be taken to the commander. He shall determine if we kill you first, or let you rot in the holding cell," Gavak said following BoB down the corridor. "Izn't dat a bit much? Ya could just give BoB a tank you, maybe a nice welcoming party or something. How'z BoB supposed to inspect signz when dis stupid ship doezn't even have any?" BoB asked. They eventually came to a platform like the one BoB rode on before, but much larger. Gavak pushed a couple of symbols on a panel like what was connected to the column, and the platform rose up.

The platform came to a stop in a large domed room, where the walls and floor were made out of a reflective black material. On the side of the room BoB was facing was a throne, also made out of rock-like material like almost everything else. Above the throne was a white tinted window, which didn't have anything to be seen out of it other than the ice that surrounded the planet. Sitting on the throne was another Hafrean, bigger than any of the others, which must have been its guards. "Bow before General Rathalnar of the Hafrean army," said Gavak, bowing. "Sir, this Rosgak spy has somehow snuck aboard the ship, and was inspecting the suspended animation tubes when I found him," said Gavak. "Is that a Rosgak? They certainly have changed a lot in the hundred years we were gone," said Rathalnar.

"Hello General, dis iz BoB, and BoB'z got a very serious complaint about your hospitality," BoB said. "How did you get aboard this ship?" asked Rathalnar, angrily. "BoB'z ship landed on dis planet, and right az BoB got out, somethin exploded in front of BoB. In da crater it left, dare wuz a hatch, which led to an escape pod and into the ship," BoB said. "The defenses around this planet were supposed to be able to keep everything out," Rathalnar muttered. "Well, dey certainly weren't," BoB said.

"Why did you come here? What information do the Rosgaks want from our mission?" Rathalnar asked. "BoB'z not a spy. BoB iz traveling da universe to find lost piecez of BoB'z time machine. BoB landed here looking for one, not to spy on anythin. But now dat you asked, wat iz dare on dis ship? Dare thousandz, maybe millionz of Hafreanz on dis ship in suspended animation, but why? Iz dis some sort of ark? The last survivors of yer planet, sent to space to find a new planet?" BoB asked. "Why would we answer your questions, Rosgak spy?" asked Rathalnar.

"But den if dis wuz a ship for da last survivorz, why would ya build a planet around it dat haz an atmosphere ya couldn't breathe?" BoB asked. "You mean the Rosgaks don't know about the ambush?" Rathalnar asked. "Ambush? Ya built a whole moon just fur an ambush? Dat seemz like a lot of work just for an ambush," BoB said. "Either the Rosgaks have sent their stupidest spy, or you're playing dumb," said Rathalnar. "The war between the Rosgaks and the Hafreans has lasted thousands of years. Nobody who started the original conflict is still alive, nobody knows who started the war or why. Because nobody knows what had started this war, nobody is willing to sign any sort of peace treaty," said Rathalnar. "So da only solution iz to shoot each other into extinction and hope you were right?" BoB asked.

"You will not interupt the general," said one of the guards, pointing a halberd-like weapon at BoB. "The technology necessary for ships to travel long distances in short amounts of time was lost as the war dragged on. Both sides went from sending hundreds of ships a day to launching only a few ships. Because the distance between the planets is so great, it now takes hundreds of years to send ships to the other planets, by which point the other side has already gotten the information and sent a counter attack." "So as your war goez on, you lose more and more resourcez ya need to build ships. As da war goez on, ya loze more and more progress. One way or another, you might be forced to find peace, maybe becauze everyone ran out of shipz, or becauze someone, somewhere will get some sense and surrender," BoB said. "If there ever is peace, it will be because the Rosgaks have been eliminated!" yelled Gavak. "You will not interupt the general!" yelled a guard, the tip of his halberd now glowing green.

"The Hafrean army got information that the Rosgaks were sending a final fleet, consisting of all their remaining ships and warriors. We had no way to fight back. We didn't have enough ships or firepower to destroy them. But one day, a secret weapon appeared out of thin air. A strange wooden red panel appeared. Our scientists were able to find a strange energy on it, something they reverse engineered. This energy allowed our ships to travel faster than they had in centuries. They came up with a plan: they would build a massive warship with this new technology, and disguise it as a moon. The entire force of soldiers they sent out would be put into suspended animation for one hundred years, when the Rosgak fleet would be in the prime position of the warship to fly over to it, and destroy the entire fleet. The entire planet would be almost defenseless and we would send every remaining ship. We could finally destroy the Rosgaks, or force them to serve us," Rathalnar said. "Sir, something's wrong," said a Hafrean guard, stepping off another platform.

"What is it?" asked Rathalnar. "The systems indicate no sign of the Rosgak battle fleet," said the guard. "Hm. The army must have found something that could destroy them while we were in suspended animation. Gavak, order the execution of plan B: launch an attack on their planet, enslave or eradicate all Rosgaks," said Rathalnar. "Yes sir," said Gavak, making what must have been a Hafrean salute, and descending on the platform the guard came in on. "You, take the Rosgak spy to the holding cell for questioning," Rathalnar said to the guard. The guard stepped on the platform BoB was on, and pushed a couple buttons. "Bye general, and tanks fur da history lesson," BoB said as the platform went down.

Within seconds, they were in a lower level than the suspended animation tubes, and the guard locked BoB into the prison cell. "BoB'z terribly sorry," BoB said, getting his Universal Remote out of one of his spacesuit pockets. As soon as the guard's back was turned, BoB pressed the pause button on his universal remote, and the guard froze. BoB unlocked the cell with the Remote, and ran onto the platform. "Let'z see, it only haz three settingz. Dat wuz da one dat brought BoB to da general, and dat one brought BoB down hear, so dis haz to be da right one," BoB said, pressing the remaining symbol. The platform shot up, and BoB ran down the hall.

"Celliri, iz dare any progress on figuring out da language?" BoB asked. "A small amount, but nothing that would be able to translate the entire language," Celliri said. "Iz it enough to translate coordinatez?" BoB asked. "It might be able to, why?" Celliri asked, as BoB got on the platform leading to the column. "Becauze we need to get a warning to da Rosgakz. It doezn't matter who started dis war, nobody dezervez to be enslaved or erdaicated without at least being warned so dey can fight back," BoB said as the platform landed. BoB looked at the stone slab, and saw he could make out a few words. BoB saw the coordinates, and pressed the seek button on his Universal Remote to summon the escape pod. The escape pod materialized around him, and BoB rushed to the controls. "If BoB showz up 2 hourz earlier dan it iz now, maybe datz enough time to warn them and give dem a chance," BoB said, pulling the dematerialization lever.

The escape pod materialized, and BoB stood up from the chair he had been sitting in. "Hopefully da air iz breathable, BoB forgot da space helmet back on da Hafrean ship," BoB said, checking the monitors. "Itz not, but we haz a forcefeild, so BoB can at least look outside," BoB said. BoB opened the door, and saw nothing. BoB looked all around, and only saw space. He dashed back inside, and checked the coordinates. "We in da right spot, and da right time," BoB said, looking outside as if the planet would appear. "Unless... oh no. We iz in da right time, itz dem whoze not," BoB said. "BoB, what do you mean?" Celliri asked. "Never mind dat, we need to go back to dat ship, ya alwayz listening through da watch BoB wearz anyway, you'll hear when BoB dramatically monologz." BoB said, setting the coordinates for the ship.

The escape pod materialized on the ship again, and BoB rode the platform to the suspended animation tubes. BoB could see the liquid was starting to drain from the tubes. "Dey waking up for da attack," BoB said, jumping on the platform and sending it up into the general's room.

"What are you doing here? How did you escape?" asked Rathalnar. "Not important," BoB said. "What do you mean not important? Why would you escape only to come up here and announce your presence?" asked Rathalnar. "BoB escaped a couple minutez ago for you. BoB uzed da time machine to try and warn da Rosgakz of yer attack," BoB said. "So you were a Rosgak spy!" Yelled Rathalnar. "No. Ya see, dare iz no Rosgakz," BoB said. "What do you mean? Of course there are, we've fought them for thousands of years," Rathalnar said. "But dare aren't any anymore. You wuz only supposed to sleep for a hundred yearz. But Celliri, BoB'z computer, said the planet your ship was disguised as had been slowly heating up for centuries. And da reason Celliri couldn't translate yer written language wuz becuze by da time most other inteligent life formz were venturing into space, yer planetz were gone. Dare wuzn't enough left to ever figure out da language, so dare aren't enough recordz for da scape pod to find. You haven't been asleep for a hundred yearz, you've been asleep fur at least ten thouzand. Both plantez, Rosgak and Hafrea are gone. Dey were destroyed thousandz of yearz ago," BoB said. "You're lying, Rosgak spy!" yelled Rathalnar.

"No. Check yer systemz. Dare iz no planetz anywhere near where dis ship iz headed, and dare haven't been for thousandz of yearz." "The Rosgaks must have sabotaged us, there's no way we could have miscalculated so wildly," said the general. "No. Ya never did miscalculate. It waz all planed frum da begining. Dey knew da only way dey would end da war wuz to destroy both planetz, so they built a ship. BoB wuz right in da begining wen BoB said it wuz a ship full of da last survivorz, just nobody knew it yet. Dey built dis ship to send enough Hafreanz off so dey could maybe find a new planet to inhabit. Dis ship wuzn't disguized, it wuz sent here to slowly turn into an inhabitable planet. Only somethin didn't go as planned, and now it's an uninhabiatable icy wasteland," BoB said.

"Then what will we do now that we have no Rosgaks to fight, and no planet to live on?" asked Rathalnar. "Da first thing ya should do iz find another planet to live on," BoB said. "Set the systems to scan for the nearest inhabitable planet," Rathalnar said. "Yes sir," said one guard, stepping onto a platform and descending. A couple minutes later, the guard came back up on the platform. "Sir, the nearest inhabitable planet appears to be very close. It is a planet called Earth," said the guard. "Set the course for Earth then. IT will be our new planet," said Rathalnar. "Scuze BoB, but ya can't do dat. Darez people on dat planet, ya can't just take it over," BoB said. "I am the general of the last surviving Hafrean ship. I can and will do whatever I want," said Rathalnar. Rathalnar pushed a button in one of the armrests on his throne. "Our plans have changed," he said, broadcasting himself throughout the ship. "Our planet and the Rosgak's planet were destroyed ten thousand years ago. The army knew this would happen, so they sent an entire ship out to find a new planet. We have found that planet, but it is inhabited. You must prepare for battle to take over this new planet," said Rathalnar, switching the speakers off.

BoB aimed his Universal Remote at the button the general had pressed and turned it back on. "Don't prepare for battle if ya don't want to be destroyed. BoB haz a time machine dat lookz like a  big red box parked near yer big blue column. Everyone who wantz to escape should get in dare. Everyone who thinkz BoB can't or won't destroy dis ship to save a planet can stay on board and get ready for battle," BoB said, switching the speakers off and using the Universal Remote to remotely unlock the escape pod door. BoB could hear thousands of footsteps on the floor below, as thousands of Hafreans ran towards his escape pod. "BoB will give ya one last chance, general. Do ya want to attack dis planet, of find a different uninhabited one?" BoB asked. "Prepare for flight towards Earth," said Rathalnar, and one of the guards rode a platform out of the room. "Dat wuz a very bad choice," BoB said, activating the platform he was standing on.

"Celliri, how long should it take dis ship to get to Earth?" BoB asked, running through the crowd. "It should take about eighteen minutes for the ship to get to Earth," Celliri said. BoB saw a hallway leading off to the left, and looked inside. At the end of the hallway was just a platform. BoB got on the platform, and pushed the only symbol it had. The platform rose straight up, and BoB saw he was in a room he hadn't seen before.

The room was huge, but smaller than any of the rooms he'd seen so far on the ship. It was completely dark, lit only by the faint glow of the blue liquid running through many tubes. BoB turned his Universal Remote on, and used it to turn on some lights that were hidden around the room. BoB saw that every set of tubes had more stone slabs with symbols on them. "Celliri, iz dare anythin ya can do to translate more of da language?" BoB asked. "No. Nobody in all of history has been able to figure out the language. There's no way to figure it out," Celliri said, as the ship shook. BoB fell backwards as the ship took off. Now that the ship was in flight, bubbles were shooting through the liquid in one tube. "Celliri, BoB'z just going to cut their fuel off, dat should stop dem, right?" BoB asked. "No. Their ship will carry on forwards, crashing into the planet," Celliri said. "Okay, bad idea. New plan: start pushing buttonz," BoB said, pushing buttons at random on the stone slabs. Something rose from the center of the room. BoB saw it was another suspended animation tube. Inside was a piece of BoB's escape pod.

BoB looked at the stone slab connected to the tube, and could manage to make out a few words. "Doez dat say weaponz system?" BoB asked out loud. "Of course, dey somehow uzed da power of da time energy da wuz still on da escape pod piece to make their weaponz even stronger. Dey might have even figured out how to erase thingz frum time," BoB said, pressing buttons wildly, hoping to release the escape pod piece. BoB got out the Universal Remote and used its laser cutter to cut through the tube.

BoB grabbed the escape pod piece, and put it in one of his smaller-on-the-outside pockets in the spacesuit. "Let'z see, dat'z a targeting computer, dat'z fuel, dare weapon systemz iz slowly lozing power now..." BoB said to him self, looking around. "Oh, dare we go, now datz a plan," BoB said, getting back on the platform back down. "Come on, can't dis go any faster?" BoB said as the platform floated down. "Oh, yes it can," BoB said, using his Universal Remote to take control of the platform.

BoB flew down the empty corridor on the platform, and landed it right next to his escape pod. BoB didn't see anyone else heading towards his escape pod. "Last chance fur anyone who wantz to survive dis," BoB yelled over the speakers. "You have a couple minutes to get down to da blue column and in the red box," BoB said, turning off the speakers. BoB went into the airlock to the escape pod he had left his helmet in, and grabbed it.  BoB saw nobody else heading towards his escape pod, so he dashed inside and closed the door.

"BoB would really appreciate if ya all could go into a different room or somethin, BoB really needz da space," BoB yelled into the giant crowd of Hafreans in his control room. They slowly went through the door into another room in BoB's escape pod, and BoB went to the controls. "Celliri, find a place dat Hafreanz could live in, and materialize dare as fast az possible," BoB said. The escape pod started to make its dematerialization sound, and it took off. "Why is it so important to be there fast if this is a time machine?" asked one Hafrean that was still in the control room. "Couldn't you just come back the second you left?" "Sometimez, yes," BoB said, slipping switches and pushing buttons. "Why only sometimes?" asked the Hafrean. "Becuze like history, da rulez of time chance constantly. Wat workz sometimez might change. BoB might be able to appear exactly when we wuz one time, but da next time it might be relative to BoB again," BoB said, as the escape pod started to materialize. "What do you mean history changes? History doesn't change, it's... history," said the Hafrean. "It doez. It changez a lot, ya just don't notice becuze ya don't have a time machine. Like dis planet we've landed on sayz it was never and will never be inhabited. But as soon az BoB openz dat door, history will change, and it will say it haz been inhabited," BoB said.

"Everybody out, we've landed," BoB said over the intercom. Hundreds of Hafreans ran into the control room, running towards the door. BoB checked the systems, and it showed the only Hefren left on the escape pod was the one BoB had been talking to. "Ya need to get out of here right now so BoB can save a planet. Dis place haz treez and animalz, Celliri'z syystem'z say it should be inhabitable," BoB said. "But what if we don't manage to survive?" asked the Hafrean. "You will. Da systemz say da Hafeanz live for millionz of yearz on this planet. Da system can't be wrong," BoB said, slowly pushing the Hefrean towards the door. "But you just said history can be changed," said the Hafrean.

"Some thingz can be, but only relatively small thingz. Almost nothing could change so much it could destroy an entire civilization before it even started," BoB said, managing to get the Hafrean out the door. "You'll all survive, probably. BoB haz some tools fur ya, hold on," BoB said, grabbing a box out of the hidden closet. "Dis box haz lots of thingz you'llneed, like lighterz, matches, axes, spearz, and some food and water rationz. Ya can definately build a new planet if ya have toolz and stuff," BoB said, putting the box down outside. "BoB will come back sometime, and see how itz getting along," BoB said. "But for now, BoB really, really needz to save a planet," BoB said, shutting the door and taking off.

BoB materialized on the ship, a little later than he had left. "Celliri, how long doez BoB have left?" BoB asked. "You have an estimated five minutes and fourty six seconds until the ship is in position to fire, six minutes and three seconds until it lands, and six minutes and four seconds before it crashes into the planet."

BoB broadcast himself through his escape pod all throughout the ship. "Hello, ya may have noticed ya don't have much firepower. Dat would be becuze BoB stole yer secret weapon. So now yer only optionz seem to be to give up, or crash into da planet. Not very good choicez," BoB said. "We will destroy you. We will destroy your ship, then send our escape pods out to collect the secret weapon," said the general over the speakers. "Good luck with dat," BoB said as the escape pod dematerialized and flew alongside the ship.

From the outside, the ship was shaped like a cone with a flat tip in the front, and it grew vastly wider around the back where the engines were. The whole thing was made out of the same stone-like material as everything else, and the etchings and grooves along the ship's exterior looked like the cantaloupe-like markings that were on the planet around the ship.

"Celliri, how long do we have until dare weaponz are out of power?" BoB asked, grabbing the joystick. "You have about four minutes until the ship's weapons are too weak to fire," Celliri said, and a countdown appeared on the screen. A giant blast hit the escape pod, and the entire room shook. "BoB needz to stay close enough dat da weapon system can target BoB, but BoB needz to be slowly leading dem away frum dare course," BoB said, dodging another blast from the ship. BoB kept swerving and looping, dodging blasts, but slowly moving his escape pod to the left. A ringing was coming from the escape pod phone.

"Watever it iz yer selling, BoB doezn't want it," BoB said, hanging up the phone. The phone rang again, and BoB picked it up. "How'd ya get dis number?" BoB said, hanging up again. The phone rang again. "Just because it says phone across the top of it doezn't mean ya should be calling it," BoB said, hanging up again as the escape pod got hit again. The phone rang again. "You sure don't give up, do ya?" BoB said, swerving around another laser. "Don't hang up this time BoB," said a voice from the phone. "Why not?" BoB asked. "This is the queen of the planet Indrusia," said the queen. "Never heard of it. Look, could ya call back later? BoB haz just taken down da weapon systemz on a ship dat'z about to hit a planet and iz currently dodging lazerz. Could ya call again in five minutez?" BoB asked as the escape pod rolled out of control.

"You saved our planet from the apocolypse of monsters before. You came up with the solution to-" the queen started. "Stop, don't say anyhtin else. BoB'z a time traveler, dat hazn't happened yet. Ya can't tell BoB about BoB'z future, even if it'z already happened fur ya," BoB said, getting the escape pod under control. "So letz see, BoB saved yer planet frum monsterz in da futre or da past, and den gave ya da scape pod phone number. Why ya callin right now den?" BoB asked. "You left instructions to call this number at exactly this time and tell you that you need to come to the  Kaganag galaxy diplomatic meeting because somebody is planning an assassination," said the queen. "Oh, and you also left instructions to tell me to have you turn left as hard as you can, right now," she said.

BoB turned left, and saw the ship turn sharply towards him. "Celliri, iz it off couse enough to miss da planet yet?" BoB asked. "Yes. Systems indicate it is currently headed towards Jupiter," Celliri said. "Good," BoB said, setting to coordinates for the ship's engine room.

The escape pod materialized in the engine room, and BoB cut the fuel lines to the rockets. "Now dey can't turn. Dare stuck on dare course," BoB said, stepping back into his escape pod, and picking the phone up again. "Alright, BoB'z coming," BoB said. "There was something else I was supposed to tell you," said the queen. "You have thirty six hours to stop the assassination."

"Why would BoB say dat? Well, it'z BoB'z instructionz, dare has to be a reason. See you five seconds ago," BoB said. BoB could hear the sounds of his escape pod materializing as he hung up the phone. "Celliri, trace dat call and land dare, we have an assassination to stop," BoB said, as the escape pod dematerialized.

Space Train

"All right, so if dat lever iz da squbbly lever, den dat one must be da blibbly lever," BoB said, reading the instruction manual for his escape pod. BoB pulled the lever, and the escape pod shook. "No no no, don't do dat-" BoB started as his escape pod started to fall. "BoB'z in da middle uv space! We can't be fallin!" BoB yelled. BoB reached for the emergency brake and pulled it. A screeching, grinding noise filled the escape pod as it slowed down, and sparks shot from the walls. BoB looked out the front of his escape pod, and saw there was green and blue energy floating in space, seeming to come from behind his escape pod. "Oh great, watz dis stuff?" BoB asked. "That is time energy leaking out from a hole you just created. The escape pod shot through time without even dematerializing, and the escape pod just shot right through," Celiri said. "Wait, wat'z dat?" BoB asked, seeing a light in the distance, getting closer. The light was closer now, and BoB could make out that it was a space ship, headed right for his escape pod, and very quickly. BoB ran back to the control, and quickly pulled the dematerialization lever, then pulled it again. BoB's escape pod started to materialize inside the spaceship.

BoB stepped out, and saw he was in what looked like a train, with red carpet flooring and silver walls. There were wooden benches and tables all around, but nobody sitting at them. BoB walked across the train car to a silver door in the wall with blue lights in it. There was no door handle, so BoB used his Universal Remote, and the door split part horizontally. Behind that was another door, which opened a couple seconds after the first one. BoB stepped through, and saw another area exactly like the one he just came from, but with people inside it. Everybody seemed to be panicking and running around, so BoB stepped inside quickly before anyone saw him, and the doors closed behind him.

"Scuze BoB, but could ya tell BoB why everyone'z paniking?" BoB said to the person next to him. "Didn't you see it? One of the passengers got shot?" The person said. "It doezn't look like anyone'z hurt hear," BoB said. "They were shot with a laser. They had a red glow around them, and then they were just gone," the passenger said. "Nobody saw who did it den?" BoB asked. "No. Wait, how do I know it wasn't you? Who are you anyway? You weren't here five minutes ago," the passenger said. "BoB would never do something like dat, and BoB would never lie" BoB said. "How do I know you're not lying?" the passenger asked. "Becuz BoB said so," BoB said. "What are you even doing here? Where'd you come from?" the passenger asked. "BoB'z a professional sign inspector, and also an instant detective," BoB said. "I've never heard of either of those things," The passenger said. "Of course not, dare top secret. And if ya tell anyone else, yer gonna be in very big trouble," BoB said. "What is an instant detective anyway?" the passenger asked. "See, da second a crime iz committed, a secret detective iz teleported to da scene of the crime to investigate," BoB said. "Now, BoB has sum vestigatin to do, keep it top secret dat ya even saw BoB," BoB said, and disappeared into the crowd.

BoB walked to the other end of the train car, and opened the door with his Universal Remote. The next car was entirely silver, with nothing except a blue screen on one wall. BoB walked over to the screen, and pointed the Universal Remote at it. The screen lit up, and BoB tapped a button labeled information. "Welcome to the first flight of the first ever space train, made in the Flurmupiakenddib galaxy," a voice said from the screen. "This train runs between the Flurmupiakenddib and Zizzyxz galaxies. However, this ride still takes many days, even with our state of the art equipment. So we have many activities for passengers to do in this time. We hope you will ride with us again. However, you really have no other choice, since we have the first space train," the voice said, and the screen shut off. BoB walked back through the door, and back in to the other train car.

"Hello, excuze BoB, but BoB'z investigatin dis murder, and BoB wuz wondering if ya would like to answer sum questions," BoB said to another passenger. "Sure, I'll answer any of your questions," the passenger said. "Good. Now, question one: are ya da murderer?" BoB asked. The person looked at BoB as if he was crazy, and walked off. "So iz dat a no?" BoB yelled across the train car as the doors closed behind the passenger. "Who knew investigatin wuz such hard work?" BoB muttered. Suddenly, the train car shook. BoB ran to the window, and looked outside. Instead of space that had been there just a second ago, there were turquoise flames around the train car. The train car was shaking hard, and people were falling over. BoB pointed the Universal Remote at a speaker, and pressed the button. "Hello, dis iz yer captain speakin, and-" BoB started, speaking into the universal remote. "You're not the captain!" One of the passengers yelled, as they hung on to a table to keep from falling over. "Da whole space train caught on space fire, and dat's wat yer worried about?" BoB said. "Fine, dis iz totally not yer captain speakin, but da whole point iz dat BoB'z talking now, so BoB'z in charge. We seem ta have encountered a slight bit uv turbulence. Now, if ya look out, well, really any window, you'll see dat da train iz on fire. Darez a simple explanation fur dat. Da train iz actually on fire, and we're all BoBably about to die," BoB said, just as the train shook more violently, and then went back to normal. "Oh, no! Look at dat, we're alive!" BoB said.

BoB looked out the window, and saw a planet very close to them. "Wuz dat planet dare before?" BoB asked one of the passengers. "No, I don't think so," the passenger said. "Right den. Dat probably not good," BoB said, running to one end of the train car. BoB opened the doors to the room with the screen and walked inside. BoB turned the screen on, and hit a button that would show the route. "Error. We are off course. Estimated arrival time: Three thousand years, five days, one minute, twelve seconds," said a voice from the screen. "Dat'z also probably not good," BoB said, going back in the car with all the passengers. BoB looked out the window, and saw they were much closer to the planet now. BoB ran back into the car holding his escape pod, and got inside.

BoB turned on the screen on the ring above his control panel on, and saw an error message. "Emergency: we are in a quickly decaying orbit. Estimated time until impact: ten minutes," Celliri said. "And dat meanz wat?" BoB asked. "The train is in an orbit that is bringing it closer to the planet, and has ten minutes until it crashes to the surface," Celliri said. "Wat can BoB do about it?" BoB asked. "Nothing can be done. The train can not escape the planet's gravity," Celliri said. BoB ran back outside, and saw the light blue lights that were in the doors were now red. "Depressurizing all Z area compartments preparing for release," said a voice through the train's speakers. "Decompressuizing all Z area compartments." "Celliri, wat does dat mean?" BoB asked. "It means that all the train cars that are labeled as the Z area will be depressurized," Celliri said. "Where are we?" BoB asked. "We appear to be in the baggage cart of the Y area, which appears to be the first train before the Z area," Celliri said. 

BoB pointed his Universal Remote at a speaker and turned it on, speaking into the universal remote. "Everyone in da Z area, head to da front of da train!" BoB yelled. BoB tried opening the door with his universal remote, but it wouldn't open. "Da door seems to be stuck, but BoB can get dat fixed in time! Well, probably. Maybe anyway," BoB said, aiming the Universal Remote at the door again. BoB turned it to the strongest setting, and blasted the doors. The lights in the door started flashing as BoB finally got them open. People started running through the now open door, and the baggage cart started getting full. "Everybody get in da phone box!" BoB yelled over the siren coming from the train cars. As the last of the people ran inside, BoB got in and shut the door. BoB looked on the monitor for life signs on the train cars that were detaching, but saw that nobody was left on them. "Everybody wait in here. And don't touch anything if ya don't want to go flying into another dimension or destroying time!" BoB yelled, and ran back out of the escape pod. BoB turned his Universal Remote back on, and tried to shut the doors. He kept aiming at them, even as the Z section train cars detached and started to fall, creating a vacuum that sucked BoB towards the doors. He reached out for the nearest thing behind him, and managed to grab his escape pod door handle. BoB was hovering parallel to the floor of the train car, but the doors started to shut. The doors slammed shut, and BoB fell to the floor.

BoB opened the other door that led to the rest of the train car, and told everyone in the escape pod to get out. "Oh, right, BoB still need to do something about the impending fiery crash," BoB said, looking out the window. But just as he said that, the train was surrounded by turquoise fire again, and everything shook. When everything stopped shaking, BoB looked out the window. There was nothing much to see, other than hundreds of stars far away. BoB went into the car that had the screen, and turned it on again. "Error. We are off course. Estimated arrival time: Two thousand years, thirty days, fifty six minutes, thirty four seconds," said the voice. "Celliri, didn't dat voice say it wuz three thousand years last time BoB turned it on?" BoB asked. "Yes, it did it said it was three thousand years, five days, one minute, twelve seconds last time," Celliri said. "Den maybe dat explain why we were about to crash, and den we wuz in da middle of space. Maybe dat fire iz a teleport system on board malfunctioning, cauzing da train to teleport randomly into space," BoB said. BoB opened the door and walked back into the highly crowded passenger car. 

BoB looked out the window, trying to see if there was anything outside other than stars. BoB heard a sound like someone was banging on metal, and looked around. He saw that everybody else was looking around, wondering where the noise had come from. Then the noise came again, and BoB looked up. "Dis wouldn't happen to be a train with two floorz, would it?" BoB asked. "No," whispered someone towards the back of the car. Another knock came from the ceiling, the sound echoing around the silent train car.

"Alright, somethings up there, but maybe it'z just curious, and will go away," BoB whispered. "It probably hasn't ever seen a space train before, maybe it will just go away." BoB said. "But nothing can exist in space! It's a vacuum!" yelled a passenger. "BoB would say what ever dat thing iz, it seems to be doing a pretty good job," BoB whispered, as another of the creature's knocks rang through the train car. "It's going to eat us!" The person yelled. "Dare iz no reason to believe dat," BoB said. "Just becuz it'z new and unknown doezn't mean it wants to eat us. Maybe we can be da first train full uv people to meat something dat lives entirely in space. But darez no reason to fear it and think it will attack ya just because it different. Nobody ever met somethin like dis before, dare'z no reason to think it will hurt you until you have an actual reason," BoB said, as the creature knocked again. There was a scraping noise from the ceiling, like fingernails on a chalk board. A giant, long, claw came through the ceiling, and started to cut a hole into the ceiling.

"Right den, dare yer cauze!" BoB yelled, opening the door to the baggage car with the Universal Remote. "Everybody get in dare, and get in da red phone box!" BoB yelled over people screaming. Once everyone was in the baggage car, BoB shut the door behind them. "Air loss detected in car Y-9. Detaching cars Y-9 and Y-10 for the safety of our other passengers," said the automated voice over the loud speaker. "Can we pleaze get in dare a little faster?" BoB said, as a giant claw came through the metal door. BoB started shoving people inside, and then shut the door. BoB set the coordinates so they would materialize in the next baggage car, and pulled the lever. 

The escape pod started to wheeze, and dematerialized. "Error, the train seems to de disappearing," Celliri said. "Lock on to dat train, don't let it teleport away. BoB need to fix whatever iz wrong wrong with dat train, or dee people gonna be stuck teleportin through space forever," BoB said. The escape pod started to wheeze furiously, and sparks shot from the walls again. The column came to a stuttering stop as they materialized. The escape pod was flying through time, and right in front of them was the train, surrounded by fire. "Celliri, how can da space train be time traveling?" BoB asked. "It must have flew through the hole you created by crashing through time earlier. The train must have gotten some time energy in the engine somehow, and when it activates, the train flies through time to anywhere in the universe," Celliri said. The train was starting to fade away, and BoB's escape pod started to materialize on it. 

BoB stepped out side, and saw they were in another luggage car, which had a sign over both doors that read "section X luggage car."  "It'z safe to get out now," BoB said to all the people in his escape pod, as he got his Universal Remote out to open the door. The door slid open behind him before he even pushed a button, and BoB saw a passenger standing there. "How iz ya supposed to get these doors open without a Universal Remote?" BoB asked. "The door recognizes every passenger on board, and opens automatically for them," said the passenger. "Oh, right, yeah BoB knew dat, becuz BoB'z a fellow passenger," BoB said, and quickly walked out the door. BoB looked around for one of the cars with a computer in it, and opened the door. He turned on the screen, and hit a button saying "passenger list." He used the Universal Remote to add his name to the list. "New passenger. Please place your hand on the screen," said the monitor. BoB placed his hand one the screen, and a light flashed green. "New passenger recognized," said the screen, turning off. BoB heard a scream from the train car he had just left, and ran back inside.

BoB saw a person surrounded by red crackling energy screaming, then they faded away before BoB could get a good look at them. "Everybody freeze!" BoB yelled, using his Universal Remote to lock both doors. "As the official investigater fur dis, BoB say everybody here iz a suspect, and nobody iz allowed to leave dis car," BoB said to the packed train car. "Attention all passengers," said a robotic voice from the speakers. "Attention all passengers. Passengers have disappeared in cars A-4, F-6, O-1, and U-5. All passengers are advised to be cautious at all times," said the robotic voice. "All right, dat'z interestin." BoB said. "Ya all stay here, BoB haz some more vestigatin' to do," BoB said, walking back to the luggage car where the escape pod landed, and unlocking the door for a second.

BoB went inside his escape pod, and came back out with a USB stick. He went back to the room with the screen, and stuck the USB stick in it. The USB stick automatically downloaded the data, and BoB went back to his escape pod, locking both train car doors behind him. BoB plugged the USB into a spot on the control console, and looked at his screen. "Celliri, which passengers were da ones murdered?" BoB asked. "Unknown. The passengers list only shows that there are six less passengers than when the train departed," Celliri said. "Check da lists, and compare which passengers were dare earlier, but den gone a couple minutes later," BoB said.

After a couple seconds, the screen showed up with 6 different names, and listed by the times they no longer showed up on the system. "All right, search all uv these people, see if dey have anythin in common," BoB said. There was a wait of a couple seconds, and lots of information popped up next to the names. Looking at them, BoB could see none of them even were from the same planets, and some were even from different galaxies. "Celliri, check if any of doze planetz have had a war against anywhere, or will in da future," BoB said. "One of the planets, Turmathir. is a peaceful planet, and has only ever been involved in one conflict in all of history," Celliri said. "Good, wat planet wuz it dat Turmth... Turthmi... dat planet wuz fighting?" BoB asked, trying to pronounce the name. "It was a war against the planet of Ogisvoz, a planet known for starting wars with almost every inhabited planet in multiple surrounding galaxies. Ogisvoz has also started multiple wars with each other planet on this list," Celliri said. "Check if dare iz any passengers from Ogisvoz den," BoB said.

One name showed up on the screen. "Dat got to be who it iz," BoB said, just as the name faded from the screen. "Wat happened?" BoB asked, opening his escape pod door, and hearing the robotic voice talking. "...is dead in car S-3," BoB heard the voice saying. BoB walked back into the escape pod, and closed the door. "Well, dat wasn't da person either," BoB said. "Search anything you can think of Celliri. Haz anyone been famous? Have dey ever met each other? Anything you can think of," BoB said, looking at the monitor, as it updated with a seventh name.

BoB saw lots of new statistics pop up on the monitor, but none of them were related. Most of the people didn't know each other, and none of them were very famous. "Wait a minute," BoB said. "Doze net worths are going down in a decreasing order, check everyone's net worth on this train, den sort dem by highest value to lowest value," BoB said. A list popped up on the screen, in descending order of net worth. The seven people with the highest net worth were also the people who had been murdered. "So den, if BoB'z right, we need to keep an eye on da person eight on dat list," BoB said. "But why would dey kill dem instead of take dem randsome?" BoB asked out loud. BoB saw the person was only a couple of train cars away, so he stepped out of the escape pod and headed that way. BoB walked in the car, and the first thing he did was use the Universal Remote on the security systems, so that the footage would be sent directly to his escape pod. BoB sat down and watched the person he was looking for. They seemed to be talking to someone next to them, and hadn't even noticed BoB walk in. BoB set his Universal Remote to detect any form of energy in the car.

BoB didn't have to wait long, because within five minutes of BoB sitting down, a red glow surrounded the passenger. They screamed, and faded away quickly. The person they had been talking to jumped back, and BoB looked around to see if anyone was holding a weapon. Nobody seemed to be, or looking like they were hiding one. "BoB'z da official vestigator  on dis train, and BoB'z locking dis car down to make sure dat criminal can't escape," BoB said, locking one door, and stepping back into the baggage car. "BoB will be vestigatin' in here, and find whoever did dis," BoB said, locking the door. BoB went back inside his escape pod, and looked at the footage. He didn't see anyone pull out any sort of weapon at any point. "Celliri, wat about da energy readingz? Wuz dare any sort of energy dat a blaster would use?" BoB asked. "No. The only change in energy seems to be an energy usually emitted by a teleporter," Celliri said. "Iz dare any way to trace where dis teleporter leadz?" BoB asked. "Yes. It seems to lead to a space police station," said Celliri. "Can BoB call dem and ask why dey abducting people?" BoB asked.

A couple seconds later, the police department answered the call, and a face appeared on the monitor.  "Dis iz BoB, highly secret instant investigater on da space train. Wat do ya think yer doing kidnappin people off da train?" BoB asked. "Oh, it's you again, the sign inspector. And you're currently on the space train?" The person asked. "Good, we've been trying to reach it but..." the signal started to fade and was filled with crackling noises. "-ignal is very weak." they said. "BoB noticed. Talk faster den," BoB said. "We're trying to..." the crackling noises started up again. "-ave them, tra..... -taged." they said as the signal got weaker. "So den of course ya save da richest first. Why can't ya just take everyone at once?" BoB asked. "Tel...-rter is too weak. It can...-ne at a time, but then it needs rechar...-ing. But this is highly important: the tra... -s a... -ap. It's been destinat... -ive into..." The signal got too weak, and the screen went black. 

"Celliri, check all da train flight plans, and see where dis train iz headed," BoB said. "The train shows it is programmed to fly to the Zizzyxz galaxy, just as it says," Celliri said, showing a route map on the screen. BoB looked, and saw there was nothing in one area of the map. "Celliri, dat blank spot lookz suspicious, compare dat to a real image uv space dare," BoB said. A picture showed up, and BoB saw the missing spot was just pure blackness, with no stars around it. "Celery, iz dat a black hole?" BoB asked. "It seems to be," Celliri said. "How close iz dis train flying to dat?" BoB asked. "Too close. Calculations show that if the train is pre-programmed to take this route, it will fall into the black hole," Celliri said. "But if the train keeps teleportin, maybe it won't get dat close," BoB said. "The train appears along its original route every third time it teleports. If it teleports about every five minutes, you have about twenty five minutes before we are too close to the black hole," Celliri said. "Twenty five minutes? Dats easy if ya have a time machine," BoB said, running outside.

BoB opened the door again as soon as it landed, and people came flooding inside. "Don't touch anything if ya don't want to spin off into a parallel dimension or die," BoB said over the speakers. Once all the people were inside from this section, BoB moved to the next one. This went on for quite a while, until BoB was finally in the A section, with fifteen minutes left before the train flew into the black hole. Everybody got inside,  and BoB pulled the lever. The wheezing started, and the escape pod dematerialized. "See, BoB managed to save everyone," BoB said. The escape pod suddenly started materializing. "Wat? No, dat not supposed to happen, BoB didn't say to materialize!" BoB yelled, pushing buttons on the control panel furiously. The column stopped moving, and BoB saw that they were right where they had dematerialized from. "Celliri, what happened?" BoB said. "The train is in lock down, nothing can teleport in or out, and that also affects dematerialization," Celliri said. "What can BoB do about dat den?" BoB asked. "In the front of the train you should be able to shut it off," Celliri said.

BoB ran out the door, and used his Universal Remote so that nobody could mess with his escape pod. BoB ran off as fast as he could towards the front of the train. By the time he was in the front of the train, five minutes had already gone by. "Wat now Celliri?" BoB asked, looking around the controls. "It appears there aren't any controls here," Celliri said. BoB was already unscrewing a metal panel from the wall, with wiring behind it. BoB grabbed the first wires he could find, and ripped them out. The door shut behind him, and locked itself. BoB grabbed all the wires he could, and yanked them all out. "You've disabled the lockdown BoB," Celliri said, as BoB jumped up, and went to work unlocking the door.

"Train car A-1 detaching from train car Engine," said a robotic voice over the speakers. BoB unlocked the door, and saw a thin tunnel of energy linking the train car and the engine car together. BoB jumped the large gap, and the door immediately shut behind him. BoB rolled to his feet and ran towards the baggage car. "BoB, even though the engine is detached, the cars will still keep their momentum. You only have three minutes," Celliri said. BoB ran into the baggage car, and jumped in the escape pod, with the door closing automatically behind him. BoB hit the emergency lever immediately, and the central column made a noise like a car engine stuttering, then with a huge wheezing noise it dematerialized almost instantly.

BoB put the coordinates for the exact time the train should have been arriving at the station in, and pulled the lever. The escape pod materialized, and BoB opened the door. "You have arrived at your destination," Celliri said over the escape pod sound system. People started running out of the escape pod, and once BoB was sure everyone was gone, he closed the door. "Celliri, why would sumone try to destroy their own train?" BoB asked. "As you fixed the space train, I checked who the CEO of the company in charge of building the space train was. He had so much insurance on it, he would have tripled his money if it failed, so he programmed it to fail," Celliri said. BoB set some coordinates to a couple of days ago, and pulled the lever.

As the escape pod flew through time, BoB wrote a note, and finished right as they landed. BoB deleted a couple of things from the USB stick that was still plugged into the computer. "BoB, what are you doing?" Celliri asked. "BoB'z giving dem an anonymous tip, so dey will investigate dat space train. Don't worry, BoB'z deleted all da stuff dat happen in da future, like when da people disappeared from da train," BoB said. "BoB, you could create another paradox," Celliri said. "Nah, it'z probably fine, time probably won't burn to dust," BoB said, stepping out of the escape pod.

BoB walked over to a desk, and placed the note down, and the USB stick on top of it. "Hey! What what do you think you're doing in here!" a space cop yelled at BoB. "BoB'z a highly secret BoB'z a professional sign inspector, it'z a job so secret dat nobody knows about it. Nobody can know about sign inspectorz, becuze BoB couldn't be able to properly inspect signs if they knew BoB was coming there to inspect dem," BoB said.

"Oh, that makes sense. Is this sign good?" asked the space cop. BoB looked at it, and then made a disgusted face. "Oh no, it haz a very bad font, it'z too, small, dat'z all wrong. Dat'z gonna be a heavy fine from da sign inspection committee. However, BoB could just ignore it if ya look in to this here," BoB said, pointing at the note and USB stick. "All right, we'll investigate that sir. Thank you," said the space cop. "Good. Oh, and you'll probably be getting a call from BoB in a couple of days," BoB said. "Okay, thank you sir," said the space cop, clearly wanting BoB to go away so BoB couldn't fine him for the sign. "See you... well, earlier actually," BoB said, stepping into the escape pod. A couple of seconds later, the escape pod started to dematerialize, and it slowly faded out of existence right in front of the space cop's eyes. 

2021

*NOTE: CERTAIN NAMES IN THIS BOBLOG HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY*

 

BoB had been waiting for a couple minutes for his escape pod to land. On the screen it looked like they should have almost arrived at their destination, but the escape pod had slowed down. "Updates available. Downloading updates," Celliri said. "Updatez? Wat updatez? Updates fur what? Ya can't just go downloading updates of thingz without tellin BoB!" BoB yelled. "Download complete. Installing updates.Installation complete. Compatibility check. Error: Incompatible console. Control room reconfiguring at a later date," Celliri said. "Wat wuz all dat about?" BoB asked. "Your Universal Remote has now been updated and linked to the escape pod. It now has a small amount of control over time around you. You can freeze time in a small area, slow it down, or speed it up, but it drains the batteries very quickly, and wears off as soon as the escape pod dematerializes. The interior or the escape pod will also be updated and slightly remodeled so that it has a slot for the remote," Celliri said. "Can BoB just turn da scape pod update to remind BoB later? Because if BoB'z going to the future with angry orange robotz, it wouldn't be good to be locked out of da scape pod," BoB said. "You will be reminded in half an hour," Celliri said, and the escape pod started to materialize.

BoB opened the door, looked outside for a second. "So dis iz da right place? We here just before Frump* got hiz device so he'd be around forever, so BoB can stop it?" BoB asked. "Yes. We have arrived a few hours earlier than when he first heard of it," Celliri said. "Well, if dey new about something like dat, it would be all over Twitter," BoB said, and went to Twitter on his escape pod's screen. The first thing he saw was that instead of blue, Twitter was now mostly decorated in orange, and the bird in the logo was now a orange-yellow cat. The top tweet was from Denald K. Frump* himself. It said "I was told my new business, Steak on a Stake, is going to fail. BAD! I have too much at steak!" BoB checked the date, and saw that it was 2021. "How'd he get in office a second time? How'd he even survive da first four yearz? He'z ainchent" BoB said. He scrolled down a bit, and saw a tabloid linking to their article, "5 REAL TIME TRAVELERS caught on CAMERA!!!!!" BoB looked at it, and the first picture was of BoB yesterday, holding up a sign with coordinates, and a date on it. Behind BoB was his escape pod, and everyone in the picture was slightly turned towards it, as if it had just appeared. BoB set the coordinates for those on the sign, and pulled the lever, as he grabbed some materials to make the exact same sign.

His escape pod materialized, and the second it was safe to open the door, he walked out, holding the sign high above his head. People suddenly started rushing towards BoB, wondering where he had come from. BoB stepped back inside, set the time to arrive ten minutes later, and dematerialized. He stepped out, and saw that the entire crowd was gone. A cardboard sign was blown into his escape pod by the wind. BoB looked at the back of the sign, and saw it had something written on it. "Frump Needz to be stopped by two o clock. Go to deez coordinatez, and be careful about guardz." On the bottom of the sign were coordinates. BoB flipped it over, and saw it was the sign he had just held up. BoB set the coordinates for five minutes ago, pulled the lever, and started working on the back of the sign.

The escape pod materialized, and BoB stepped out. The crowd of people were still there, and they were all swarming around BoB. "How did you do that?" asked a reporter. "Was it a magic trick?" "No, it wuz actually a smaller-on-da-outside phone box that can travel in space and time using highly complicated fizzicz," BoB said. "But if ya just go to dat store across da street and wait dare fur ten minutez, BoB can explain how it works," BoB said. People slowly started walking over to the store across the street, but some people looked like they doubted BoB. "Go! Don't ya all want to know how to build yer own time machinez? OR at least very spacious closetz?" BoB said. That got people moving. They started running to the store across the street. As soon as everyone was gone, BoB put the sign down somewhere. He stepped back into the escape pod, set the coordinates, and pulled the lever. "BoB, you just lied to those people. You have no intention of telling them how to build a time machine, do you?" Celliri asked. "No, but dey weren't dare in five minutes when BoB landed dare. BoB knew ya'd be saying things like 'Oh BoB, don't go ripping the time space continuum apart!' 'BoB, you've just torn the universe in half!' if BoB didn't get dem to go away," BoB said. "BoB, you just caused a bootstrap paradox. You wrote that sign because you saw the sign that you wrote in the future, giving no origin of where you had originally found this information," Celliri said. "Iz dat gonna rip da universe apart?" BoB asked. "No, but it's probably best to not do that," Celliri said. "Az long az BoB'z not ripping da universe apart, it'z fine."

BoB's escape pod materialized, and BoB saw he was standing in front of the Orange House "So wat does BoB do, just walk right up and knock?" BoB asked. BoB started walking up towards the doors, when a machine gun popped out of the ground, aimed directly in his face. BoB got out his Universal Remote, and pressed the button. The machine gun retreated back into the ground. BoB kept walking, and every couple of steps a new weapon popped out of the ground. BoB was just about at the door, when he heard a metallic clunking sound around the corner. BoB tried to hide behind a column, but he couldn't get there in time. BoB saw it was a Frumpbot, but it looked slightly clunkier than the ones he had seen in the future, and it had a grove running down the middle of it. "Halt. You-Are-Trespassing. Backup-requested," said the Frumpbot. "Intruders-Instantly-Recieve-Sentencing. Punishment-For-Trespassing:-Death-Sentence." BoB started running back to his escape pod, as more Frumpbots started following him. "Your thirty minutes are up. Would you like to update now?" Celliri asked. "Not now, BoB'z being chased by killer robot! How about ya try again in another half hour?" BoB asked, as something exploded behind him. BoB jumped into his escape pod, and shut the door. BoB set the coordinates to arrive a couple of hours later inside the Orange House, and dematerialized. 

Since BoB's escape pod still had Twitter on the screen, it started moving much faster as BoB traveled through time, and he saw reports of the Orange House grounds being broken into by someone in a London phone box, who had disappeared, with security footage of BoB. "Well, datz not good. Hopefully da Frumpbotz aren't still on high alert," BoB said, as the escape pod materialized. "Actually, they aren't independent Frumpbots yet. They are currently just combat suits for soldiers to wear, so that they can be protected from most things, and have massive amounts of firepower," Celliri said.

BoB stepped out of the escape pod, and onto the red carpet lining the halls. "Celliri, iz dare some way to make a giant mysterious phone box invisible?" BoB asked. "Your universal remote can project an invisibility field around you and any objects you need, but it won't work if you're to far away from the object," Celliri said. "Can da scape pod dematerialize and park somewhere it won't be noticed, and den just come back here?" BoB asked. "Your Universal Remote can summon the escape pod straight to you at the push of button," Celliri said, as the escape pod dematerialized. "BoB, you can aim the remote at security cameras and pause the footage so they won't know you're here," Celliri said. BoB saw a camera, and pushed the button on the remote. BoB needed to get his escape pod pieces so that Frump could never use them in the future to build his own time machine, and somehow make sure that he could sabotage whatever life support device that was going to be demonstrated to Frump today, so he wouldn't get one, at least until he was out of office. 

BoB was headed down the hall, looking for where Frump would be, when a guard saw him. BoB pressed the pause button before the guard could call for backup, and the air pulsed around the guard for a second. The guard was standing absolutely still, paused until BoB's escape pod dematerialized. "Warning: battery power at eighty percent. Batteries recharge over time," said Celliri. BoB continued walking, and eventually he saw a group of security guards talking. One of the guards saw him, and alerted all the others. BoB pointed his remote at the first one grabbing a walkie talkie, and hit pause. "Warning: Battery power down to sixty percent," said Celliri. BoB hit pause at another guard who was pulling a gun on him, and right as the air around the guard rippled, a bullet fired from the gun, now suspended in mid air. "Warning: Battery power low, forty percent," Said Celliri. "Batteriez charge over time?" BoB asked, as he paused another guard. "Yes, they recharge over time automatically," said Celliri as the guards got dangerously close to BoB. BoB aimed on the ground behind the guards, and pressed fast forward. The sir rippled, and BoB threw the remote over into the space he had just sped up. BoB dodged the first guard, and knocked the gun out of his hand, but there was another right behind him. BoB rolled under that guards outstretched arm, and ran to the far end of the hall where the remote was. BoB grabbed it, and it was now fully charged due to time being sped up as fast as the remote could handle. BoB paused the last two of the guards, and continued on.

BoB looked at a wall, and saw there was an air duct. BoB unscrewed the grate with the Universal Remote, and climbed in. "Dis should keep doze guardz away," BoB said, and climbed through the air duct. It was now sloping up wards, and BoB could tell he was in the ceiling now. BoB saw light shining in from a grate. BoB looked through, and saw Frump sitting in a chair. "So? I'm in charge of this  country. I can do whatever I want!" BoB heard Frump yell into the phone. "What do you mean that's not how it works? I don't need to know this! I'm in charge, I don't care about laws, I have executive orders!" he said. "Oh yeah, well you're fired! Yes I can remove someone who was elected from power, I'm in charge, I can do what I want!" Frump yelled, and threw the phone against the wall. "It has been half an hour, would you like to install updates?" Asked Celliri. "Yes! Fine! BoB'z sneaking here, be quiet," BoB whispered. "Who is that?" Frump asked. BoB locked the doors with his Universal Remote so no guards could come in, but him shifting his weight caused the grate to come loose.

"Who are you?" screamed Frump. BoB aimed the remote at everything electrical he could see so that Frump couldn't call for guards. "Telegram! Wait, datz da wrong century. Uh, personal email deliverer?" BoB said. "Is that something new?" asked Frump. "Yes, it a new way fur ya to get all yer personal emailz. See, it'z top secret, so not even da prezident knowz about it. See, den nobody can accuse ya of getting classified emailz on da wrong server!" BoB said. "So it is new? I don't like new, or change. I hate change," Frump said. "Not an email deliverer, definitely a telegram!" BoB said. "I'm currently working on sending the country back to the middle ages anyway. It was great then, only the rich people could be educated. I want to make it that great again," said Frump.

"Who are you, and how did you get in here?" Frump asked reaching for the button to call security. "Why isn't the button working?" Frump asked, mashing the button. "And why did the doors lock?" he asked. "See, BoB'z really a professional undercover sign inspector. It'z a job so secret, only two people know about it, but BoB'z been told to meet da prezident by BoB'z boss. Da job'z so secret, not even the guards can know about it, dat'z why the door are locked," BoB said. "Do you have any identification, professional sign inspector?" Frump asked. "No, becuze if undercover sign inspectorz went around giving out buisiness cardz saying dare undercover, dat would just give it away and everyone would know," BoB said. Frump suddenly got a call on his cell phone, and answered it. 

"Yes, I know that you say I can't do that, but I'M IN CHARGE, AND YOU'RE ALSO FIRED!" Frump yelled into his phone, and smashed it against the wall. "Have you heard the news? I'm about to split the United States of Frump in half, with all Democrats all forced to live on one side in their own country, and Republicans on the other half. But since I own all the land, I can just pass laws screwing the Democrats over so they have to come into the Republican half of the country!" Frump said. "Ah, yes, great idea. Frump. How is it gonna be divided? Is the line gonna be horizontal or vertical? What about diagonal? Which direction will it be diagonal in? From northwest to southeast, or from northeast to southwest? Or what if you do it in alternatin stripes? What if ya do it with dots of land? Will there be walls separatin them? Wat if ya do it in a zigzag? And wat will ya do about independentz and otherz? Do dey get a small strip in da middle? Do ya just throw dem into da sea? Ya probably never even thought about any of deez questionz, and ya really shouldn't do dis  until ya can answer all doze questionz," BoB said.

"I don't take suggestions from anyone, I stopped listening a long time ago. I have a meeting with a foreign company come to show off their new life support system blue prints and results right now, I can't have you discussing sign inspectors in here. I demand you unlock those doors," Frump said. "Okay, BoB will leave right away den Mister Frump," BoB said unlocking the door. The person that would be showing Frump the results of the life support system was walking in, and BoB pointed the remote at the pepers they were holding. The papers burst into flames, and Frump started yelling. "What have you done? I DEMAND YOU GIVE ME THAT DEVICE!" Frump yelled. "Guards! Turn up maximum defenses! Activate the experimental forcefield!" Frump yelled. "Oh, BoB'z so sorry, were doze da only copies of doze paperz?" BoB asked the person who had walked in the door. "Yes! I spent four years developing it, and now the blueprints are gone! I should have made copies!" The person yelled. "Well, if it only takes four yearz, Frump will be out of office by den. Yer blueprint shouldn't spontaneously combust den," BoB said, running out the doors.

BoB pushed the button to summon his escape pod, but the remote made a high pitched beeping sound. "BoB, the Orange House has an experimental forcefield turned on, interfering with landing. You need to get to the courtyard before you can call the escape pod, and even then there's not a guarantee it can lock on to the exact position," Celliri said. BoB looked out the first window he saw, and immediately saw a Frumpbot patrolling under it. BoB kept running, checking every window, until he saw one with no Frumpbot under it. He used the Universal Remote to shatter the glass, and jumped out into the courtyard. The thud of BoB landing alerted the Frumpbots to him, and they started locating the source of the noise.

BoB pressed the button to summon the Escape Pod, and it started appearing at the far end of the courtyard. BoB ran over there, pausing a Frumpbot that shot at him. A Frumpbot fleet flew above him, firing giant bullets down. BoB was only a couple feet away from his escape pod, when a Frumpbot rapid fired at him. BoB was close enough for his escape pod forcefield to be protected, and the bullets bounced off it. BoB opened the door, and saw the control room was now white, and the central panel had been changed. "Oh great, now how'z BoB supposed to find da dematerialization lever?" BoB said, shutting the door and running to the controls. BoB grabbed the biggest lever he could find, which was a big yellow lever, and pulled it. The escape pod started to dematerialize, and BoB was safe from the Frumpbots.

BoB suddenly realized that he hadn't managed to grab his escape pod pieces, and that meant in the future Frump would still be able to build a time machine. "Nope, we going back!" BoB said, and looed around on his console. He saw a giant back button, and hit that. The escape pod rematerialized in the courtyard, and BoB saw his joystick plugged in to one part of the console. He grabbed it, and flew the escape pod straight at the window of Frump's office. The escape pod smashed through the window, and BoB poked his head out. "Excuse BoB, ya haven't seen any other dimensional wooden phone box pieces lately, have ya?" BoB asked. "Wha- No, I haven't!" Frump said. "Guards! He's in here again!" Frump yelled. Behind him, two red escape pod pieces faded into view. "Ya weren't lyin fer once", BoB said, as he grabbed the escape pod pieces that had just materialized. He shut that door, and pulled the dematerialization lever. 

Now that BoB was safe, he had a look around his new escape pod interior. The floor was a checkered white and light gray pattern. The walls were now white, but yellowing in some spots already, and higher up they changed from light gray, to dark gray, to black, and then the ceiling. There was still the escape pod exterior indented into the wall, so BoB could see outside through the three windows. Next to the escape pod indentation were two white hand rails, and caution tape on the floor in front of that, with two red vents next to it. Above the escape pod indentation was an arching thing, holding a valve in place just above the exterior. The walls now had all sorts of strange things on them, one side of wall had a vent with a lever below it, looking like some sort of air conditioner. Another part of the wall had a round screen, showing a computer generated escape pod flying through time, with a screen that showed their destination next to it. In one corner there was also a chair, and near the opposite wall from the chair there was a strange, curved machine with two glass windows. 

On another wall, there were four storage containers in the wall, and a yellow tube sticking out of the wall next to a ladder. BoB's control console now had vents around the base of it. The central column was multicolored, and had black cylinders that rose and fell in unison with the wheezing. Towards the top of the column it had strange cone like structures and flat round bits until it touched the ceiling. BoB's control console now only had four sides, but it could now spin around. There was a ring around the column that could be spun around. On it were six levers, and a monitor. There was now a place for BoB's universal remote on one panel, and every panel had a place for the joystick he used to fly around to plug in. There were also lots of new buttons which he didn't know what purpose they served, and there were at least three different keyboards total.

"Good thing BoB haz it set up to automatically take BoB to da next scape pod piece," BoB said. "Actually, every update sets your settings back to the way they originally were. You have to now update your setting preferences again," Celliri said. "Great. Doez it come with an instruction manual at least?" BoB asked. "The instruction manual is thirty thousand five hundred seventy one pages long," Celliri said. "Never mind," BoB said, as he prepared himself to try and figure out what each button did.

The Other Dimension

"Well, stopping' him from gettin elected didn't work," BoB said, back in his escape pod. "But wat would would happen if BoB stopped him gettin his tiny hands on dat life support device? Would the universe collapse?" BoB asked. "No. As long as the only change you make is that he doesn't get that technology, he would never live long enough to ruin the world like you saw earlier," Celliri said. "Good," BoB said, setting coordinates. BoB pulled the dematerialization lever, and the escape pod started making the wheezing noise.

BoB's escape pod shook, and BoB looked outside. He saw black energy swirling from the side of the tunnel of energy, and grabbed the joystick. BoB tried to steer the escape pod away, but the pull of the black energy was too strong. The view outside the door was nothing but darkness for a few seconds, until the lights flickered, and the wheezing noise started.

BoB opened the escape pod door, and looked around. He seemed to be in a normal city, with a few people walking around. BoB looked at the escape pod, and saw that lots of black energy rising off it like steam. 
"Celliri, wat iz dis energy?" BoB asked. "Unknown energy. It was released when the central column of the other escape pod was shot, dousing the exterior in it. This energy has not been found anywhere else in the universe," Celliri said. "Well, time to find out where BoB iz den," BoB said. "All BoB need ta do iz find a newspaper."

An hour later, BoB walked deeper into the city, still not having found a newspaper. There were a lot more people walking around now, and BoB finally found a place to buy a newspaper. BoB put in the change, and grabbed a newspaper. "It would really just be easier if BoB'z smart watch actually worked for normal smart watch thingz," BoB said. "It does, BoB," Celliri said. "Really? Becuz BoB doezn't have an instruction manual," BoB said. "Not after you threw it at an alien that was chasing you, no," Celliri said. BoB looked at the newspaper, an saw everything was written backwards. "Nice newspaper. BoB'z not payin just to get a glitchy newspaper," BoB said, pulling out his remote. He made the machine release another newspaper, and the glass in the machine rippled. This newspaper was also backwards. 

"Iz glass supposed to ripple?" BoB asked, walking over to a car. BoB aimed the remote at a car window, and pressed the button. Everything around BoB started to ripple. Suddenly, a creature appeared through the car window and started to grow. The creature was blue, with tentacles on the bottom half of it, and had pincers for arms. The head was round, flattened on top, and it had four pincers around its mouth. "You have crossed universal boundaries. Prepare to be destroyed," the creature said. "Universal boundaries? Wat doez dat mean?" BoB asked. "You have crossed universal boundaries. Prepare to be destroyed," the creature said, before firing a green beam of energy from one claw.

"Wat does it mean universal boundaries? Celliri, wat iz dis?" BoB asked, running away. "Error. All coordinates are negative numbers. This is not possible," Celliri said, as the creature emerged from the shiny black wall of a building. "BoB got it!" BoB yelled. "Ever look in a mirror and think yer seeing another world? Well ya are. It's dis one. Almost every action iz almost da same, but it'z mirrored. It'z so similar, the universes are connected by mirrors. When ya see somethin in a mirror, you're not seeing a reflection of dat thing, you're seeing through into the other reality, where the thing iz in the same place, but mirrored. And these creaturez come out of any reflective surface, because dey patrol both universes and attack anything that'z done something without the same action being performed in the other," BoB said. "BoB, how are you sure?" Celliri asked. "Because, the whole time BoB'z been running, BoB'z been looking in anything reflective. And there's no reflection of BoB." 

"But what does that mean?" asked Celliri. "It means we wuz sucked here, without dis universe'z 'scape pod being sucked through the other way. So since dare'z two BoBz here now, dey want to get rid of both. If BoB can get out of here, den dey should stop," BoB said, as he rounded the corner and saw his escape pod. The creature behind BoB shimmered out of existence, and reappeared through the glass in the front door of BoB's escape pod. BoB rolled under it, and opened the door. "Celliri, iz da coordinate still in da system?" BoB asked, shutting the door and rushing towards the control panel. "Yes, you just have to pull the lever," Celliri said. "Good. BoB just need it to grab da scape pod now," BoB said, turning on the monitor. The creature grabbed the escape pod, and it shook violently. The creature started to suck away the black energy that was still rising from the escape pod. BoB waited until he was sure it had taken most of the energy, and pulled the lever.

"Dare. Now dat it'z sucked off most of dat energy dat pulled da scape pod here in the first place, we should be able to get to where we wuz trying to go," BoB said as the wheezing started. There was only blackness for a couple of seconds, until the escape pod materialized in the tunnel of energy. "Dare, now lets actually get where we wuz suppose to dis time, okay?" BoB said, and the escape pod started to wheeze.

BoB returns to the Future (Part 3)

*NOTE: CERTAIN NAMES IN THIS BOBLOG HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY*

 

A MESSAGE FROM CELLIRI:

Today, November 8th, is the most important day most people reading this will ever be alive for. It determines who controls this country, and what will happen in the future. It determines whether we have robots patrolling the streets, shooting everyone who is different, or not. It determines if a racist cheeto man has a time machine to ruin the universe with. It controls who lives and who dies in the future, and how many of each there are. So before you vote today, read BoB's blog, and see what happens.

"Yer gonna execute BoB before bragging? Dat not sound like Frump. How iz ya even alive after a hundred yearz anyway?," BoB asked. "I was elected president in 2016, and put all my billions, which is just an amazing amount of money, but it changes by the day, into finding something to keep people alive longer. A couple of years after I was elected they finished a machine, so I signed an executive order that I would be president forever. And now, even 100 years later, I'm still the greatest president ever," Frump said. "How come yer not blown off the face of da planet by now den?" BoB asked, inching away from the Frumpbots. "I promised the leaders of countries the same machine that my scientists found to keep people alive if they would just hand over leadership of their country to me. It was the greatest deal ever, just the greatest deal. Now I rule the whole world! Every country has a wall around it, even islands! China had one already to start! I built a whole wall around the planet just to keep illegal aliens out!" Frump yelled.

"Wat'z in yer safe Frump? How do ya know it's the greatest scientific discovery? Ya know nothing about science, or anything really," BoB said, moving in front of some sort of control panel. "Frumpbots, hold that thing," Frump said, and a Frumpbot grabbed BoB from the back. "The things held in that safe had some sort of new energy, which the greatest scientists analyzed. They managed to make that same kind of energy, and they time traveled. They're working on a a time machine now, so I can fix the past bigly, by being in charge of everything. The past was a disgrace. DISASTER!" Frump yelled. "In fact, this time machine is powered by that energy, which seems to make it smaller on the outside," Frump said. "Dat belongz to BoB actually. See, dat why BoB'z come here in da first place. So if ya could hand it over, den BoB can get on with stopping ya a little faster," BoB said, slowly reaching for his remote in his pocket.

"It's your property? Why do I care? I've changed the laws bigly since I was elected. Now any law that doesn't benefit me is gone. The president has absolute power because of one of my executive orders. I can do whatever I want!" Frump yelled. "Wher'd ya build all da Frumpbots frum? Who let ya get away with dat?" BoB asked, turning his remote on. "The Frumpbots are built right here in the United States of Frump, because I brought back jobs! They're mass produced to be police officers, and come with thousands of ways to kill you. But some are charging docks for the machine that keeps people alive. People will step into one for the first time, and since only the people I have decided are worthy enough to live for hundreds of years will have one, the machine will close up on them, and they will have no choice but to serve me as a scientist. They can't ever rebel, because their weapons are programmed to not fire on me," Frump said.

"Lord-president-Trump-sir," said a Frumpbot that had appeared on a screen in the wall. "It-is-done. Research-has-been-completed-you-are-free-to-fly-your-machine-for-the-first-time." "I'm 'free to fly?' Don't you dare act like you can tell me what to do! SELF DESTRUCT!" Frump yelled at the screen. "I-am-sorry-sir. I-will-self-destruct. I-hope-my-destruction-shall-make-America-greater-again," said the Frumpbot, before it exploded. The screen turned off as what was left of the smoking orange metal fell over.  Trump reached for a button. A column rose from the floor, with a console around it like BoB's old escape pod interior. The inside of the column inside the glass glowed a goldish orange color. The column screwed itself into the ceiling, and a humming noise started. "Now, I will make the past great again!" Frump yelled, reaching for a lever.

"Yeah, ya could do dat, but BoB don't recommend it," BoB said. "Why not? What are you going to do to stop me?" Frump asked. "Well, BoB'z remote here has a lazer, and becuze ya were walking around talking so much, ya didn't notice BoB had cut yer Frumpbot in half, and whatever dis machine wuz behind it," BoB said, and kicked over the remains of the Frumpbot that had  been holding him. "Let'z see, it sayz dat dis wuz... oh very important. All da thingz in yer building wuz controlled by dis. Including..." BoB said, and opened the safe. "Yer safe," BoB said and grabbed the escape pod pieces in there. "Dat wuz pretty stupid of ya to make yer safe controlled by a single computer. DIZASTER!!!!!!!" BoB yelled. 

"Frumpbots, execute him!" Frump yelled. "System-malfunction. DISASTER! DISASTER!" a Frumpbot yelled. "See, yer software controlling all da fully robotic Frumpbots wuz also destroyed. MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!" BoB yelled. "I'll execute you myself!" Frump said, pulling a huge orange gun from under his wig. "Doing sumthin yourself? Dats a first. But now dat yer defenses are down, BoB can do dis," BoB said, and pressed a button on his remote. BoB's escape pod started materializing around him as Frump fired at BoB. The shot bounced off the escape pod forcefield, and hit the column of Frump's time machine, cracking it. The lights flickered in Frump's time machine, and the light in the column faded. Black and dark green energy started spilling out and whipping around, destroying things. "Dat energy will make dis place explode ya know. Ya really should be more careful with weaponz near dangerous time and space devices," BoB said, and pulled the dematerialization lever. "Celliri, BoB'z going to have to make a stop before we go to da next scape pod piece," BoB said.

BoB's escape pod materialized on a sidewalk, near a large line of people. "BoB'z gonna have to vote, and make sure Frump never getz elected," BoB said. "BoB, are you even a US citizen?" Celliri asked. "Yes. No. Probably. BoB have lots of cards by now for when people are saying BoB needz authorization, dare got to be at least one in dare datz right," BoB said. "By voting today, you have had a direct part in events, meaning you can't ever do anything about it if Trump wins," Celliri said. "Well, better den just letting it happen," BoB said, and stepped outside. "Dat'z a lot of people. Even a time machine can't help BoB avoid waiting fur hourz here," BoB said, getting in line and preparing for the hours long wait.

BoB Returns to the Future (Part 2)

"Greatest execution? Why should BoB care if it da greatest execution, BoBz gonna be dead by the end of it," BoB said to the five Trumpbots pointing guns at him. "Unless ya don't do yer jobs right, but den it wouldn't be da greatest execution. Actually, it could be, if ya really suck at yer jobs and miss shooting everyone else by milez," BoB said. "Cease-talking-and-prepare-for-the-greatest-exectuion," ordered the Trumpbot. "But Trumpbutts, can't you just not shoot fur a second, so BoB can tell ya what a bad idea it iz to let BoB have a remote dat controls technology, and den send robots to execute BoB?" BoB said, and pointed the remote at the Trumpbots. BoB pressed the button, but nothing happened. "All-models-of-Trumpbots-are-shielded-from-all-external-forms-of-technology. You-have-made-a-mistake. Just-the-greatest-mistake. Prepare-for-execution. Your-Execution-will-make-Trumpland-great-again," the Trumpbot said.

"So it not been great in the hundred and one yearz since Trump got elected?" BoB asked. "Error. Logic-is-being-used-by-the-enemy. Logic-is-not-allowed-by-order-of-Trump-prepare-to-face-maximum-execution," the Trumpbot said. "Maximum execution? Dat not even make sense. Did Trump just throw words together because he thought dey sounded good? Actually ya, dat'z exactly wat he would do," BoB said. "You-have-offended-Trump-you-will-face-the-biglyest-exectuion-yet. Trumpbot-weapons-ready." "Before ya shoot BoB, BoB has to tell ya what a bad idea it wuz to not take BoB'z technology controlling remote, while BoB iz close to a hologram projector," BoB said, and pressed the button on the remote. Hundreds of holograms of BoB appeared, and BoB started running back to his escape pod.

"Celliri, iz evertything in da scape pod fixed yet?" BoB asked as the Trumpbots shot at the holograms. "Switch-to-heat-vision. Target-located. Proceed-with-biglyest-execution," the Trumpbots said. BoB looked back, and saw wheels had deployed from the Trumpbots' feet, and all five were chasing him. BoB swung the door open, and slammed it shut as the Trumpbots banged at the door. "Celliri, can we go somewhere a couple miles away frum da Trumpbots?" BoB asked. The escape pod dematerialized, and appeared in a field, far away from any Trumpbots. 

"So, let's see, we have to go see Trump and shut down doze Trumpotz before we can find da scape pod piecez, otherwise they'll keep trying to execute BoB," BoB said. "Trump's location is unknown. He is hiding somewhere, and does not show up on any scans. Wherever he is, it may be made out of the same material that covers the planet," Celliri said. "So den, let'z see, Trump like to brag about anything, he makes skyscrapers... Celliri, wat'z da tallest building on da continent?" BoB asked. The location popped up on the screen taking up one wall of BoB's escape pod. "Of course, he'd pick da second largest skyscraper if he wanted to live in a skyscraper, letting anyone attack da tallest skyscraper while he'z in another one, if he wuz smart" BoB said, and pulled the dematerialization lever. "BoB, where are we going?" Celliri asked. "To da tallest skyscraper!" BoB yelled.

"BoB, something is seriously disturbed here," Celliri said. "Seriously disturbed? Dat's definitely Trump," BoB said. "No BoB. Time and space are very disrupted here, and the top levels have some sort of forcefield preventing landing. We can't land on the top floor, but we've landed as close as we can," Celliri said. BoB stepped out, onto a floor of a building. The floor, walls, and ceiling were all completely black, and so were the doors. The place looked like an apartment complex. BoB started to look around for a staircase, but there wasn't a staircase on the floor. "Staicase, appear!" BoB yelled, and pushed a button on his remote. A staircase rose from the floor, made out of the same black material as the walls, and a hatch slid open in the ceiling. "Oh, dat worked," BoB said, and climbed the staircase. The next floor looked just the same. BoB used his remote again, and made another staircase. BoB climbed a few more staircases, before he got to a floor where the floor and ceiling were orange, the walls were white, and a staircase wouldn't appear.

"Celliri, why won't da staircase appear?" BoB asked. "The pervious floors were made with a material that could be manipulated by signals passing through it. Since the remote affects electronics and you wanted a staircase, the remote sent out a signal and programmed a staircase. But only the floor here is made out of that material, and since the ceiling won't open, the staircase doesn't appear," Celliri said. "So iz BoB on da top floor den?" BoB asked. "According to the buildings blueprints you are. But there's still room for another floor to be above you. It could be hiding a secret floor for Trump to live in," Celliri said. BoB inspected the ceiling, and saw a camera hidden in one point, pointing straight down. "BoB found da secret," BoB said. "Face-unauthorized. You-do-not-have-permission-to access-this-floor," said a voice from a speaker.

"If dat'z where Trump hidez, den hiz face must be da key. Oh, BoB got an idea," BoB said, and pointed his remote at the floor. He pressed the button, and a Trump face appeared in the floor. "Face-authorized. Access-granted," said the voice, as a hatch opened, and a ladder dropped down. "BoB never want to have to think of Trump's ugly face again," BoB said, as he climbed the latter.

BoB climbed up the ladder, and saw the room. Two walls were a bronze-ish color, and the other two were silver. There were no windows, and there was no sign of anyone living here. There was tons of machinery all around, and a safe in one of the walls. BoB looked over at the safe, and tried to open it with the remote, but nothing happened.

"Hello, public enemy number one. You're trying to steal the most important scientific discovery ever made?" said a voice behind BoB. "Trump! Where'd you come from?" BoB asked. Tump ignored him, and carried on. "Luckily, I have the greatest safe to hold it all. Just the greatest safe. This is one more thing to add to your list of crimes. Your list grows bigly with each minute you spend here. But you don't have that many more minutes, because you're about to be executed, and this time it will work," said Trump, and a Trumpbot grabbed BoB.

BoB Returns to the Future (Part 1)

"Celliri, where'z we going' next?" BoB asked. "We are heading towards the only known cube planet in the universe," Celliri said. "Iz dat where da next scape pod pice iz?" BoB asked. "Yes. Many of them all appear to be gathered in one location on this planet," Celliri said, as the wheezing noise started. "BoB, you'll need a space suit to go out on that planet, there's absolutely no atmosphere," Celliri said, and BoB ran off. As the wheezing stopped, BoB walked back into the control room wearing a spacesuit. BoB opened the door, and stepped out onto the planet. Under BoB, the planet was made entirely of metal. "Celliri, iz da whole planet like dis? Made out of metal?" BoB asked. "Yes. The most recent reports indicate this planet consists of entirely this material. This metal is resistant to any sort of scanning, so it is unknown if the whole planet is metal all the way through, or if it's just the surface," Celliri said. BoB continued to walk, until he looked at the ground.

"Celliri, does anyone live on dis planet?" BoB asked. "Unknown. No life signs detected, but if their homes were made out of the same metal that makes up this planet, they would be impossible to scan," Celliri said. "So den, why iz dare deez weird groves on da surface?" BoB asked, and bent down to examine them. They seemed slightly curved, and seemed to curve towards where the escape pod was. BoB continued walking, and came to a huge groove, a huge circle around where BoB had landed his escape pod. "Celliri, wuz we forced to land here? Because dis spot seems to coincidentul fur us to just land here," BoB said. "We landed here with no sign of outside interference," Celliri said. The ground under BoB started rumbling, and BoB started to run back to his escape pod. "Celliri, watz going on?" BoB asked. "Some form of technology is opening underneath us," Celliri said, as the metal groves started splitting apart. "So dis is sum sort uv space hatch thingy dat's gonna open?" BoB asked. "Not going to. It's already opening," Celliri said, as the hatch opened completely, with BoB and the escape pod falling through.

BoB was falling through the sky, with his escape pod still a couple hundred feet away, spinning wildly. BoB angled towards it, and tried to grab the door handle. He managed to grab it, and pulled himself towards the door. He put his feet on the edges, and pulled the door open. BoB grabbed the inside of the door frame, and pulled himself through. "Celliri, why BoB able to stay on da floor in hear?" BoB asked as he pulled the door shut. "It's because the interior is in another dimension, and because of artificial gravity. But if the system breaks, we'll go spinning out of control in here," Celliri said. BoB grabbed the joystick to pilot the escape pod, but it wouldn't work. There was a crash, and the whole control room shook. BoB opened the door,but gravity pushed him back into his escape pod. BoB grabbed on to the outside, and pulled himself up. He saw his escape pod had landed lying down, but still intact. BoB closed the door, and dematerialized the escape pod, rematerializing it standing up.

BoB walked out without the space suit helmet, and looked around. "Celliri, dis place look highly familiar. Where and when is we?" BoB asked. "Unknown. Those systems are currently malfunctioning after the crash landing," Celliri said. BoB looked around at the neighborhood. It had a bunch of different styles of houses. There was a normal, modern house, there was a futuristic floating house, and an old castle tower, all right next to each other. "Dis place looks very familiar, but BoB'z never been hear befour," BoB said. BoB walked off, and started looking for anything he might recognize. "Celliri, how far iz it to da scape pod pieces?" BoB asked. "It's not to far, but it would probably be easier to materialize there. Unfortunately, we can not dematerialize until all systems are fixed," Celliri said. "Ya do dat, and BoB'll figure out where it iz we landed," BoB said.

BoB continued to walk, but all he saw was more random houses. BoB saw a person up ahead, and ran up to talk to them. "Hello? BoB just need a minute to ask bout where it iz dat BoB iz," BoB said, but the person continued walking, without even looking at BoB. "Celliri, why dey act like dey can't hear BoB?" BoB asked. "We might have some form of fault in the systems, where while you are here, they can't see or hear you," Celliri said. BoB jumped in front of the person, and started jumping up and down. The person jumped back, and walked around BoB, giving him a nasty look. "Nope, definitely can see BoB," BoB said.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a house flicker for a second, but when he looked at it, it was the same as before. BoB noticed a flicker in the sky, and looked up at it to. "Wait a minute. Celliri, watz da weather like?" BoB asked. "The weather is clear, at-" "No. It'z not clear. it'z startin to get rainy," BoB said. "Impossible. All the atmosphere measuring instruments remain undamaged," Celliri said. "Dat wat BoB thought," BoB said, pulling the remote out of one of the space suit pockets. He pointed it at the sky, and pressed the button. The clouds flickered, and disappeared.

"Holograms, people who can't hear BoB... dis iz very familiar. Let'z see, BoB wuz hear last before da scape pod blew up, and before the interior changed, so it must have been... oh no," BoB said. BoB pointed his remote at one of the houses, and pressed the button. The hologram flickered away, and a large metal cylinder was standing there. "It iz. Celliri, do ya know wat year it is yet?" BoB asked.

"That information has been recovered. It is October 22nd, 2516, and you are on Earth," Celliri said. "Dat mean BoB'z..." "Wanted. Most-Wanted. Just-The-Most-Wanted." "No, actually, BoB wuz goin to say one year after when BoB got hear in dat DeLorean, Trump controlled da planet with hiz army of Tumpbots, and den BoB robbed the 7458th National Tumpbank. Wait, Trumpbotz? Oh," BoB said, and turned around. He saw five Trumpbots holding guns at his head. "You-Have-Admitted-Guilt," said one Trumpbot. "You-Will-Now-Be-Executed. But-Do-Not-Worry. It-Will-Be-The-Greatest-Execution. Just-The-Greatest."

 

To be continued...

The Power Plant - Part 3

BoB walked back to the elevator, and pressed the button. The elevator shook as it rose up, and the doors opened. BoB put the spacesuit back where he had found it, and got in the other elevator. As the doors closed, a bell sounded. "Celliri, wat wuz dat?" BoB asked into his smart watch. "That was the lunch bell. It's now lunch hour," Celliri said. "Wat floor wood dat be den?" BoB asked. "Try floor three," said Celliri. BoB pressed floor three, and the elevator shot up. The doors opened, and BoB saw the huge cafeteria. As BoB got in the line, the elevator doors opened, and more people came flooding out. When BoB got to the front of the line, he was handed a tray with food on it. BoB sat down at one of the tables, and examined the food.

"Celliri, wat iz dis stuff?" BoB asked. "It appears to be a salad, macaroni and mayo-" "Did ya say macaroni and mayo? Ew, BoBz not eating dat," BoB said.  "It's what they eat in the future," Celliri said. BoB took a bite of the macaroni and mayo, and immediately spit it back out, all across the cafeteria floor.  "BoB, everyone's staring at you." "Dat'z normal," said BoB, as he got up and threw the rest of it away. "BoB, you could have at least eaten the salad," Celliri said, as BoB looked around. "BoB doezn't like salad. Anyway, BoB have an apple for later if BoB'z hungry," BoB said, and pulled something out of his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. He looked down, and saw it was a pineapple. "Well, kind of an apple anyway."

BoB saw someone sitting down, who wasn't dressed like anyone else. "Hello dare, BoB routine knowledge check. BoB'z probably late. Or right on time, BoB'z not sure any more," BoB said, sitting down next to them. "Routine knowledge check? What's that?" the person asked. "Dat's where BoB asks ya question, and ya answer," BoB said. "Oh right, one of those." "Now first question: Yer not dressed like any of da miners, or da scientists. Who are ya?" BoB asked. "I'm in charge of health and safety here, making sure nobody gets hurt." "Okay, next question den: how far iz we from earth?" "We're not even in the same solar system," the health and safety inspector said. "Right, but if ya were to take the ship dat brough ya here back, how long would it take ta get back?" BoB asked. "It would take at least a couple of months to get back." "Den how do ya get the budilight rocks back home?" BoB asked. "Every week, we teleport it back. In fact, we're doing it today." "And now, for BoB's last question, where would BoB find everyone's records?" BoB asked. "It would be on the 18th floor, but you'll need a key to get in." "Tanks! BoB'll be going to the 18th floor den," BoB said, getting up. BoB ran into the elevator, and hit the button for the 18th floor.

"Celliri, wat doez dat remote BoB picked up earlier do?" BoB asked. "Scans indicate it is used for a multitude of functions, including lock picking, laser cutting, and it also has access to the teleport systems of this facility," Celliri said. The doors opened on the 18th floor, and BoB walked down the hallway. BoB came to a door, and scanned his card. The door opened, and BoB saw tons of file cabinets lining every wall. BoB found the one labeled H-K, and started looking around for a file labeled "health and safety." "Aha!" BoB yelled, as he found the file. BoB opened it, and started reading it out loud. "Health and safety inspector: John Smith? Well, dat don't seem right." "John Smith is a very common name, BoB," Celliri said. "Dat's da problem. It so common, yet nobody'z actually named dat. It'z just wat people use wen dey want to be secret. Celliri, do ya have a picture of dat guys face?" BoB asked. "Yes. Both his face and voice pattern have been saved to the databases," answered Celliri. "Good. Search it, see who dat guy iz," BoB said. BoB's smart watch started flashing with images as it searched for any match, and finally a page appeared. "Oh no. Dat iz very extremely bad and not good," BoB said. A voice came on over a loud speaker. "Attention everyone. Please report to the 20th floor for weekly budilite transport."

"Celliri, how long does dis base have before it goes boom?" "There's thirty minutes left until this base explodes," Celliri said. "BoB better hurry den," BoB said, as he rushed to the door. BoB scanned his card, but nothing happened. "Someone'z locked BoB in!" BoB yelled. "BoB, you have that remote, just point that remote at the door and push the power button! It will automatically use whichever setting is best." BoB pulled out the remote, and pointed it at the door. The door unlocked, and BoB ran to the elevator. BoB pounded on the floor 20 button, and the elevator flew up. BoB rushed out the doors, and to the end of the hall. BoB used the remote, and the door swung open. Inside the room was a huge circular room, half the size of a football stadium, with tiers of seats leading down to the floor. On the furthest end of the room was a metal plate, with some sort of laser pointed at it, and tons of mine carts lined up. "Attention everyone!" BoB yelled. The room was so huge, nobody heard him. "Celliri, can da remote mess up their speakerz?" BoB asked. "As long as it's pointed at a speaker, just press the button, and use it like a microphone," Celliri said. BoB pressed the button, and spoke into the remote like it was a microphone.

"Attention everyone! Dis place must be evacuated immediately!" He shouted, and everyone turned to look at him as he walked down the tiers of seats. "If BoB prediction iz correct, and it iz, becauze BoB'z been there, dis whole place is about to blow up in, well, now it's about twenty minutes. BoB know exactly who responsible fur dis, so if ya see him, don't let him get away!" BoB yelled. "Celliri, open that page ya had up before, and project it onto da wall," BoB said, holding the remote away so nobody could hear him. The page appeared on the wall. "Now, look at dat page. Dat person right dare iz yer health and safety inspector, right? Well, he's actually head of a company, which iz in deals to buy almost every transportation business. Buses, cars, trucks, spaceships, everything. If everyone got teleporterz, he'd go out of business, so he came here ta ruin everythin. If ya see him, grab him, make sure he can't get away!" BoB yelled, as the whole building shook. Right next to BoB, someone ran past. "Dat's him! Get him!" BoB yelled, and someone grabbed him. 

"Open the teleport and get everyone out of here!" BoB yelled. The device pointed at the metal plate started to glow, and then shot out a beam. On the metal plate, a portal opened, and through it, BoB could see a factory. "Just step through dat portal dare, den yer safe!" BoB said, and everyone started running. "Wait a minute!" BoB yelled through the speakers. "If everyone's running towards da portal, who's holding the evil guy?" BoB said. BoB saw the person impersonating a health and safety inspector running towards the portal, and ran to grab him. BoB grabbed him just feet away from the portal, as everyone else ran through. "Now, BoB'z got somewhere fur ya to go," BoB said, and pointed the remote at the portal. He pressed the button, and the view changed to a jail cell. BoB pushed him through, and saw two cops on the other side. "Oh, don't mind BoB, BoB just put dis guy in here fur now. He'z blowing up da budilite mining facility on planet... BoB don't know the name actually. Da point iz, he'z blowing something up, and you'll probably see it on the news in about..." BoB checked his watch. "Fifteen minutes. Oh, dat means BoB only have fifteen minutes to get out of here. Bye!" BoB said, closing the portal.

BoB ran to the elevator, and pressed the button for floor four. The elevator doors opened, and BoB ran to his escape pod. He opened the door, and rushed inside. "BoB, whatever you do, don't pull that dematerialization lever," Celliri said, as BoB pulled the dematerialization lever. "Oops." "BoB, flip the green switch. It'll stall us dematerializing. You haven't carved the message into the wall yet, and if we leave, we'll cause another paradox," Celliri said. BoB flipped the green switch, and instead of the normal wheezing sound, it sounded like a car engine stuttering. BoB rushed outside, got in the elevator, and pressed floor 3, where the remote was held in the forcefield. BoB got his remote ready, and as soon as the doors opened, pressed the button. The forcefield disappeared, and BoB grabbed the other remote.

"BoB, it's very important to remember which remote is which. If you put the one that you've been carrying around this whole time away, then that will cause a paradox." "Yeah, BoB'z holding da remote BoB just grabbed in BoB'z left hand," BoB said, as he pressed the floor four button on the elevator. "Or wuz it BoB'z right?" BoB said as the doors opened. "Let'z see, how wuz it when BoB found it? Uh... It wus in.. dat cabinet! Yes!" BoB yelled, as he ran to the cabinet on the wall behind his escape pod. BoB opened it, and found a couple pieces of his old escape pod in there. "Oh, so dat why we wuz here in da first place," BoB said, as the took them out, and put the one remote in. "Now wat Celliri?" BoB asked. "You need to do the coordinates! Use the laser cutter on the remote!" Celliri yelled. "BoB, the stalling won't work much longer. The engine's will get to full power, and then the whole escape pod will disappear," Celliri said, as BoB cut the numbers into the wall. "Done!" BoB yelled. He picked up the escape pod prices, jumped into his escape pod, and shut the door. He heard a boom, and a screeching sound as his escape pod dematerialized instantly. "Dat wuz close. Now, where next?" BoB asked himself.

The Power Plant - Part 2

BoB's escape pod materialized in the room against the wall, six hours earlier, and ten feet to the left. "Celliri, iz we dare?" BoB asked. "Yes. We have arrived at our destination," Celliri said. BoB swung the door open, and looked around. He saw the forcefield in the center of the room, and walked towards it. Inside was the remote BoB had picked up earlier. "Who are you?" said someone, pressing a gun to BoB's back. "Oh, can ya pleaze not point dat thing at BoB?" BoB said, and turned towards the person pointing the weapon at him. "Peeplez point gun at BoB all da time, itz gettin really old. At least put sum veriety in yer threat! Dare'z been spears pointed at BoB occasionally to, but never something interestin," BoB said. "Why can't sumone put a mace in front uv BoB'z face? Or maybe an ax? How about a bow an arrow? Maybe sumone could try a catapult? Actully no, BoB doezn't need a catapult, dat to big. Maybe dey could have a little tiny pocket catapult? Oh, dat a good idea, BoB should suggest dat to sumone when BoB'z bein' threatened. Doez ya have a pocket catapult by any chance?" "Enough of your blabbering!" yelled the guard. "Who are you, and how'd you get into a top secret vault in the middle of space?" The guard asked. "BoB'z very important, ya better not shoot BoB, or yer boss will be mad with ya," BoB said. "We'll see about that. I'm going to take you to him for questioning, and we'll see if he even knows who you are," said the guard. "Oh, good!" BoB said. "Take BoB to yer leader then," BoB said as the guard led him out of the room, and into an elevator.

"Twenty seven floorz? Dis iz a big place, especially fur being underground," BoB said, looking at the buttons in the elevator. The guard pressed the button for the 27th floor, and the elevator rose very quickly, knocking BoB to the ground. BoB got back up, and was led out the doors by the guard. The room around BoB was the same hexagon shape as the one BoB had just left, but much larger. The walls were made of gold and silver, and the carpet seemed to be made out of a strange alien animal BoB hadn't seen before.  In the center of the room was a desk, also made of solid gold, and a chair, turned backwards. "Sir, we captured this intruder on floor four," said the guard. The person in the chair turned around, and looked familiar to BoB. "Ya know, ya look kinda like Trump if he got his fat butt in shape, and wuz much younger," BoB said. The person was dressed in a suit, and had an obviously fake orange tan, and was wearing a live cat on his head. "It is for intergalactic Trump Worship Day, where everyone over a certain net worth must try their hardest to look like emperor Trump. Now, who are you, intruder?" the person asked.

"Dis iz BoB, on very important secret business. BoB'z a, uh..." BoB looked around the room, and saw a poster on one of the walls. "Professional sign inspector! And BoB iz very secretly under cover, see? BoB can't have anyone know dare a sign inspector running around, inspectin all their signs to make sure dey up with sign standards, or dey might tamper with da signs. Den BoB couldn't inspect da signs properly, ya see?" BoB said. "Professional sign inspector? I've never even heard of that," said the person. "Datz why it a secret," BoB said. "Can I see some form of identification then, Mr. Sign Inspector?" "BoB can't carry identificationz, or else somone might find out BoB iz a professional sign inspector, see?" BoB said. "That makes sense to me. Now, do you need anyone to escort you around to inspect all these signs, Mr. BoB?" asked the person. "No, dat would make da whole secret bit uv BoB'z job pointless. But ya could make sure BoB can go anywhere in here without guards annoying' BoB?" BoB asked. "Sure, just take this pass," said the person, handing BoB a shiny card. "Tanks!" BoB said, and got into the elevator.

BoB pressed a random button, and the elevator went down quickly, knocking BoB to the floor again. The doors opened, and there was a sign, saying "Floor 15: Science & Planning." BoB walked down a hallway until it split into two paths. BoB chose the path on the left, and kept going until he came to a door. It had no door handle, but instead had a place to insert a card. BoB put the shiny card he got from upstairs in the slot, then took it back out again. The door rose up, and BoB walked inside a huge room. It had rows of desks, descending like bleachers, and the furthest end of the room was taken up by a giant floor to ceiling monitor. BoB saw a person walking past, so he walked up and started talking.

"Hello Mr. Scientist. BoB'z just doing a routine knowledge check, so BoB'll need to ask ya a couple questionz to make sure ya know wat yer doing here," BoB said. "First question: What'z da purpose uv a twnty seven floor building under ground?" BoB asked. "This place is a mining facility, built to obtain... wait, routine knowledge check?" said the scientist. "Yup, routine knowledge check. It'z a new policy, see," BoB answered. "What do you mean new? We've had this ever since this place has been up and running. In fact, we just had one two days ago," the scientist said. "Oh. Well, itz an old policy, but dis onez a surprise knowledge check, so nobody can just study da questions before hand. Now, second question: Wat iz ya mining down here?" BoB asked. "We're mining for budilite, a very rare material on earth, but very common on this new planet," said the scientist. "Third question: Budilite? Who named dis? Did dey get sued? "It's called budilite because the person who discovered it was very drunk, and thought it would be funny." "Fourth Question: Wat does budilite do?"  "It provides a new form of energy, that no other known material is able to produce. The energy is used to make teleporters work, but since there's not much budilite on earth, it's very expensive, and teleporters are only for the very rich at the moment. If we can start mining the budilite here, hopefully teleporters can become cheap enough for everyone to afford one."

"Tanks fur yer time, now, can ya direct BoB to da minerz?" BoB asked. "Just go to floor one, and then use the special elevator to get down into the mines. Just make sure you put on one of the space suits that are in the hall, you need it before you go into the mines," said the scientist. "Bye den," BoB said, and walked away. The door rose automatically, and BoB went back to the elevator. BoB hit floor 1, and fell over as it descended. BoB got out, into a rocky dome, with only the floor being covered by metal. Across from him was an elevator, and space suits hanging on the wall. BoB put a space suit on, and got in the elevator. He hit the only button in the elevator, and it went down into the mines. 

The doors opened, and BoB saw a very large tunnel, where the sides seemed to be made of a light blue crystal, and they glowed a blueish green color. On the floor, a light purple fog floated. When BoB walked, it got swept around. "Hello, iz anyone dare?" BoB asked. "BoB, you need to turn your radio on," said Celliri. "Celliri, how iz ya talkin to BoB if da radio izn't on?" BoB asked. "It's the smart watch you're wearing BoB. It automatically connects to most speakers in most futuristic space suits. To turn the radio on, press the button on the side of your helmet," Celliri said. BoB pressed the button, and called out again. "Iz anyone dare?" BoB asked, as he kept walking through the tunnel. He saw a group of people up ahead, and walked up to them. BoB tapped one of them on the shoulder, so they turned around, and turned on their radio.

"Scuze BoB, do ya have time for a routine knowledge check? Ya just had one two days ago, but itz a new policy to have a surprise one," BoB said. "No, it's time for a routine knowledge check, the last one was two days late," said the miner. "Oh, right, dat wuz just, uh, a test to see if ya pay attention. Now, first question den: how long has dis mining expedition gone on, and when will ya leave?" BoB asked."It's been a couple months since it started, and we plan to leave when this area of the planet is mined out, then in a couple months we'll build a new base on the other side, and mine that out. We're supposed to keep doing this until the entire planet is mined out," the miner said. "Now, second question: how much of dis stuff doez ya mine a day?" BoB asked. "We can get about ten carts a day worth of budilite mined, but..." "But wat?" BoB asked. "Sometimes it seems to disappear. Like yesterday, we mined nine carts full, but when we put it on the upper floors, in storage, eight carts of it disappeared. This has gone on ever since we've got here," said the miner. "Oh, so somone'z stealin dis stuff? Well, it can't be to hard to find den, it'z only one location. Yer the only onez one this planet, fight? No alienz, no other minerz?" BoB asked. "No, it's only us," said the miner. "Well, it'z easzy den. BoB'll find yer stealer person, don't worry. Really, how hard could it be?"

 

To be continued...

The Power Plant - Part 1

A wheezing noise started, and a red phone box appeared on the rubble covered surface of the planet. The sound stopped, and the door swung open. "Celliri, ya sure dis da place?" BoB asked, looking over the rubble. A breeze blew over the rubble, and lots of dust flew off into the wind. "Yes BoB, the escape pod piece should be in this general area," Celliri said. BoB shut the door behind him, and started walking away from the escape pod. In just a couple of minutes, he was at a huge hole in the ground. "Well, BoB not gettin down dat," BoB said, and walked back to the escape pod. 

"Celliri, how deep iz dat hole?" BoB asked once he was back in his escape pod. "It's miles deep BoB. We don't even have enough rope to get down there," Celliri said. "But BoB can fly!" BoB said, and got out the joystick. The escape pod lifted off the ground, and BoB pushed forwards on the joystick. BoB got to the edge of the hole, and they started descending. The monitor on the wall opened up, and the exterior of the escape pod light up. "Danger, BoB. We can not go any deeper. We are getting to close to the planet's core, which is giving off some strange energy, interfering with the equipment," Celliri said. BoB made the escape pod ascend a little, and looked around. He saw a tunnel in the side of the hole, and flew inside of it. The tunnel got narrower and narrower, until it opened into a large metal hexagonal room. BoB landed his escape pod, and opened the door. The room was covered with large chunks of stone debris, and dust covered the metal floor. In the center of the room was a small metal structure in the shape of a pyramid, with a wire  on each side, pointing up. BoB flipped a switch on the side of it, and a blue bubble of energy appeared above it, then flickered away.

"Wat iz dat, Celliri?" BoB asked. "It is some form of force field generator. It must have been guarding something inside of the force field," Celliri said. "So it wuz a safe den?" BoB asked. "It would appear so," Celliri said. "Den sumthin important must uv been hear," BoB muttered to himself. BoB looked at the wall opposite him, and saw there was a huge chunk of concrete in front of it. BoB pulled as hard as he could, and the concrete tipped over. Behind it, BoB saw an elevator shaft, with its doors stuck open. BoB poked his head inside, and looked down. Below him was the elevator, crumpled into a heap. One floor above BoB, the doors of the elevator shaft were also open. BoB walked back to his escape pod, and took off. He flew into the elevator shaft, and rose up, until he could get out the other doors. BoB landed his escape pod, and stepped out.

The walls were blackened by ash, as was the floor. Nothing else was in this room, just a cabinet that had fallen off the wall. BoB looked around, and saw something in the ash on the wall. He walked over to it. There was the outline of his escape pod in a clean section of wall, as if it had blocked ash from touching the wall behind it. Chiseled into the clean section of wall were numbers, and a message. The words "take it",  and and an arrow pointing down towards another cabinet. BoB opened it, and inside was a TV remote. "If ya say so, strange wall message," BoB said, and walked back into his escape pod. "Celliri, wat are doze number on dat wall?" BoB asked. "They are coordinates, it seems," Celliri said. "Where will dey take BoB?" BoB asked. "Back in time by about six hours, and move us ten feet to the left," Celliri said. "Exactly where dat scape pod outline iz. Like BoB thought. Celliri, any idea how long itz been since whatever destroyed dis place occurred?" BoB asked. "Running calculations... An explosion large enough to destroy an entire facility of this size, at the current temperature it's at, the explosion must have happened approximately... two hours ago, give or take a couple of minutes," Celliri said.

"Den dat mean BoB have bout four hourz to find da scape pod piece before wat ever explosion happenez, and destroy da entire place," BoB said, and pulled the dematerialization lever. "Celliri, to doze coordinates! Wez got four hours ta get a scape pod piece before everythin go boom!" BoB said, and the column started rising.

 

To be continued...

BoB Causes a Time Distortion

As BoB's escape pod flew through the paradox, sparks flew out of the control panel, and the lights turned off for a second. "Celliri, wat happenin?" BoB asked as the lights turned back on. "We are nearing the end of the paradox. As we get nearer to the end, it becomes more dangerous to fly through here," Celliri said. BoB looked out the door, and saw that there was black lightning shooting out the sides of the tunnel. "BoB, take the controls, and don't let that lightning touch us. If it does, the systems will be overloaded, and we won't be able to land," Celliri said. BoB grabbed the joystick, and pushed forwards on it. BoB dodged lightning blasts, but up ahead, the tunnel of energy started to warp. "Celliri, iz dat da exit?" BoB asked. There was a loud ripping sound, and a gap of purple energy started to appear in the walls. "BoB, keep flying straight, and don't stop," Celliri said. BoB pushed the joystick completely forwards, and they shot off. BoB flew over the widening gap, but it seemed to start pulling them in. "BoB, press the turbo booster!" Celliri said, and BoB pressed a button. They moved forwards slowly, but then they were being sucked slowly backwards again into the purple energy. The escape pod shook, and the column started to rise and fall because they were landing.

"Celliri, wat iz dat purple stuff?" BoB asked. "That is time being disrupted. Two points in time somehow collided with each other, and disrupted time. The place we are now and the other point in time that touch are bound together. At any time out there, you could be transported to the other point in time. It can only happen a certain number of times, so you have to be fast in getting the escape pod piece, or you'll be stranded away from the escape pod," Celliri said. "But woodunt whoever lives here get teleported to?" BoB asked. "No BoB. You've traveled here in time, so you're the only one that will be affected," Celliri said. "But woodunt da scape pod be teleported to? Why BoB need to be fast about it?" BoB asked. "The escape pod is a time machine. Once it lands, it will stay in that time until it takes off again. That's why you have to be fast, or you'll be stranded in whatever other time, with no way to escape," Celliri said. "Right. Dat not good," BoB said, and walked towards the door.

BoB opened the door, and saw a castle,with guards patrolling it. "Well, BoB in medieval timez den," BoB said. BoB felt something very sharp poke into his back. "What are you doing here?" said a voice from behind BoB. "Oh, hi there Mr. Voice With Pokey Things Poking BoB," BoB said. "BoB just came here becuz BoB's scape pod crashed here, and BoB needs to get BoB's time machine piece back, which your castle probably has, and, uh... Ya have no idea what BoB sayin, right?" "You responsible for this magically appearing box of witchcraft?" The voice asked. "No. It a time machine, see, and it bring BoB here... ya probably think BoB iz crazy don't ya?" BoB said. "Yes. Any connection to the portal in the sky then?" Asked the voice. BoB looked up, and saw a huge gap in the sky, like someone ripped the sky open. Inside was the orange energy of the paradox, but it was slowly being turned purple. "No, BoB actually haz no relatiun too dat." "Right. Nice try," said the voice, and BoB was poked in the back. "Get going," the voice said. "Where BoB going?" BoB asked. "To the dungeon with you, witch." "Of course. Ya know, BoBz alwayz in dungonz. It da first thing people say to BoB. 'Hello!' 'To da dungeon with ya!' Iz dis a common occurrence for people?" BoB asked, as he was led away. 

BoB was led over a drawbridge and through a garden, before going down some stairs and into a cell.

The guard who had led BoB here locked the cell, and started to walk off. "Hey, wen BoB gettin out here? Don't BoB get a trial?" BoB asked. "You get tossed in  a barrel, and thrown in a river. If you sink, you aren't a witch, and if you float, you get burned at the stake," said the guard. "Dat no exactly fair dough, iz it? BoB either burns or drownz? Dat not very good optionz," BoB said as the guard walked away. "Celliri, how BoB get outta here?" BoB asked. "You wait," said Celliri from BoB's watch. "Dat helpful," BoB said. Around BoB, the air seemed to shake, and everything started dimming, until everything was black. BoB started to fall, and colors started to swirl around him in the dark. Color started to come back, and BoB slowly stopped falling. BoB looked around, and saw he was still in the cell. "Celliri, wat happen?" BoB asked. "You passed through a time disruption. You are now four hundred years in the future, on the other end of the time disruption," Celliri said. BoB kicked at the rusted bars in the cell, and they fell out with a clang. "Ha! BoB free!" BoB yelled. BoB ran up the stairs he was led down, and came out in the courtyard, where all the grass was withered and brown. "Celliri, wherez da scape pod piece?" BoB asked. "In the highest tower," Celliri said. "Course  it iz," BoB said. BoB walked across the courtyard, and into the entrance of the castle.

BoB started walking down the vine covered hallway, and saw a broken spiraling staircase. Suddenly, everything tuned black again, and BoB started falling. When color returned, the staircase was repaired in front of BoB. "BoB back now, right?" BoB asked. "Yes. you went through another time disruption," Celliri said. "Uh oh. Sumone comin," BoB said. BoB heard footsteps behind him, and ran up the stairs. A guard jumped out in front of him, and sun his sword. "STOP! BoB have weapon to!" BoB yelled, and pulled out the first thing he could from his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. BoB looked, and saw it was a banana. "Oh. Never mind den," BoB said. "Banana? It very fresh. It haven't even been planted yet actually! It planted couple hundred years in da future, so it real fresh," BoB said, and peeled the banana.  BoB ate the banana, and threw the peel at the guard's face. "IT AN ALIEN! IT EAT YER FACE! RUN!" BoB yelled, and pushed the guard down the stairs. BoB continued running up the stairs. When he got to the top, he kicked the door open, and saw the room was empty.

"Celliri, wat happen?" BoB asked. "You are in the wrong tower BoB. You took a wrong turn," Celliri said. "Wear iz da thing den?" BoB asked. "It is in the dining hall." "Why it go dare?" BoB asked. "Because it is. The only reason it is in the tallest tower is because sometime between now and 400 years in the future, someone put it there, and must have forgot about it," Celliri said. BoB ran down the stairs, ran down a hall, and found two huge wooden double doors. "Iz dis da place Celliri?" BoB asked. "Yes BoB. It seems there are people in there though, so watch out when you go-" Celiri said, as BoB swung the doors open. "-In." BoB saw everyone was looking at him. "Hello! Dis BoB! BoB just here late because BoB'z invatation got here real slow. You know wat ya should have? Email. It great! Much better dan peplez on horsez! Anyway, BoB wuz totally invited, so ya can all go back to eating!" BoB said, and tried to find a seat. BoB saw a space next to two people, and squeezed in. "Hi. How it goin?" BoB asked. Both the people sitting next to BoB got up and left. "Good! More room for BoB den!" BoB yelled.

"Hey, buddy, could ya pass dat turkey?" BoB asked the person sitting next to him. BoB grabbed the entire turkey, and started chewing on it. "Dis chicken isn't bad fur something not metal," BoB said. "Ya know wat dey should be servin here? Nutz. Not walnutz, but da metal kind. Doze good. Specially if dey gold. Gold iz da tastiest. Da king could probably ford gold, right?" The person BoB was talking to got up and left. BoB scooted closer to the person sitting on the other side of him, and started talking. That person left, too. BoB kept scooting over and talking to everyone, but they all kept leaving. Eventually, BoB got to the last person sitting next to him. "Hey, wat dis feast for even?" BoB asked. "It's for the enchanted artifact we found today. The king says it will bring good luck," the person said. "So if BoB come here in a time machine, it witchcraft, but if da king find somethin, it enchanted? Guess peoplez with power always could be hippocritz den," BoB said. He looked over, and saw the person he was sitting next to was gone.

BoB ate everything at the table, since there was nobody else there to eat it. Suddenly, the king stood up, and started talking. "Today, we had this feast to celebrate the finding of this enchanted artifact. It will surely bring us good luck, and lots of gold! And now, here it is," The king said, and lifted up a glowing piece of red wood. "HEY! Dat BoB'z scape pod piece!" BoB said, standing on the table. "No, it is an enchanted artifact of good luck!" said the king. "Dat doezn't mean it not BoB'z. Plus why it enchanted den?" BoB asked. "Well, it's enchanted because it's all... glowey?" the king said. "So anythin dat gloez iz enchanted den? Dat enough fur you? Cuz den flashlightz iz enchanted too, right? Never mind don't answer dat. Ya haven't seen flashlightz yet, have ya? Anyway, can BoB have BoB'z scape pod piece back pleeze?" BoB said. "No, you may not! It is my property, because I found it," said the king. BoB jumped off the table, and grabbed the escape pod piece out of the kings hand. BoB noticed a lot of guards with crossbows pointed at him.

"Oh, BoB not supposed to do dat?" BoB said. "Freeze, or you get shot!" said one guard. "Ya couldn't shoot some magical BoB dough, could ya?" BoB asked, as he grabbed a flashlight out of one of his pockets, and shined it at himself. One of the guards crossbow bolts just barely missed him. "Oh, come on! A second ago glowed thingz wuz magical!" BoB said as he ran out a side exit. BoB kept running, until he got to another staircase. He ran up it, but saw a guard. "Oh, hi, dare no need to attack BoB," BoB said to the guard. "BoB have permission to be here frum da king. Smappy BoB: Professional Castle Inspector here. Let BoB get BoB'z card..." BoB said, reaching in his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. BoB suddenly pushed the guard down the stairs, and kept running. Everything started to go black, and BoB started to fall again.

"Oh, dat actually a good time fur dat to happen," BoB said. "Celliri, iz dis da tallest tower?" BoB asked. "Yes BoB. It is. And the good news is, there is no escape pod piece detected here," Celliri said. "Why dat good?" BoB asked. "Because that means you got the escape pod piece, and we can get out of here," Celliri said. BoB walked slowly to the top of the tower, catching his breath. He opened the door at the top of the staircase, and saw an almost empty room, with a couple of stones missing from the floor. BoB hopped over the gaps, and looked out the window, which was just a hole in the wall with bars surrounding it, no glass at all.

He saw it was a long way down. "Celliri, BoB stuck up here, right?" BoB asked. "Yes BoB. The guards will come up those stairs, and you'll be trapped in this room," Celliri said. "Doez BoB have enough time to get back down the stairz?" BoB asked. "No BoB. The next time disruption will occur in forty-five seconds," Celliri said. BoB looked at the window again, and had an idea. He tore off the grate covering the window, and climbed out onto the ledge. "BoB, this is dangerous," Celliri warned. BoB reached inside his smaller-on-the-outside pockets, and pulled out a thin, metallic rope. "BoB, that is the emergency tether from the control room. It is meant to stay there, in case of an emergency where you might have to leave the escape pod, hence the name." "Dis count az a mergencey," BoB said. "Plus, BoB have more in da scape pod anyway, it no dig deal," BoB said, as everything went black, and he started to fall.

BoB looked around, and saw he was back in the past, with the metal bars still covering the window. BoB attached the tether to the bars, and took a picture of himself just as the door opened.

"How'd he get out there?" asked one of the guards. "BoB'z out here, ya can't get BoB!" BoB said. One of the guards pointed their crossbow at BoB. "OH, ya can. But not now!" BoB said, as he backed out off the ledge.

Luckily for BoB, the ledge was so large, the guards couldn't stick their crossbows out far enough to hit him. The rope pulled back on BoB as it reached its full length, and BoB dangled ten feet off the ground. Below BoB was a muddy circle, which looked like he could use it as padding. BoB cut himself loose, and fell right through the mud, into a pit below.

"Ooh, nice idea fur a trap," BoB said. Everything started to black again, and BoB fell. "Oh, dat wuz fast," BoB said as he fell though time in the void. 

"Celliri, dat not take long at all befoure BoB wuz falling through time," BoB said. "No BoB. That's bad. The gap in time is healing itself, and the time disruptions are getting closer together. Only a few more, and the gap will be fully healed, and you'll be stuck in whatever time. You have to hurry BoB," Celliri said. "Thanks Celliri, dat helful." BoB reached around in his pockets, and found a grappling hook. "Why BoB carry grappling hookz?" BoB asked himself. "Well, guess it a good thin BoB does," BoB said as he shot it off. He climbed the rope, and pulled it up after him, sticking it back in his pocket. "BoB, quick, go! Get out of here!" Celliri said, and BoB ran off. BoB got to the front gate, and ran off, only to find the drawbridge was rotted and unusable. BoB waited a couple of seconds, and started to fall again. "Well, dat one way ta do it," BoB said as color started to return.

BoB ran across the drawbridge, and towards his escape pod. "BoB, systems indicate there will only be one more time distortion," Celliri said. "So BoB'll be stranded in the future den?" BoB asked, running at top speed. "Yes BoB. You have to get into the escape pod, then you'll be safe. You have less than thirty seconds to get there though BoB." "BOB SEEZ IT! UNLOCK DA SCAPE POD DOOR CELLIRI!" BoB said, almost there. BoB grabbed a hold of the door handle, and everything flickered for a second.

"Oh no," BoB said, as he saw the dust covered control room. He looked outside, and saw nobody chasing him. "No no no no no," BoB said, running his hand over the dust covered control panel. BoB walked outside, and saw the same rip in the sky as there was four hundred years in the past. "Oh, you think yer funny?" BoB yelled up into the tear in the sky.  out here, "Ya think yer funny, time? Distortin', teleport BoB away at the last possible second, stranding BoB fourhundred years away from everything? Well yer not. BoB won't be stayin here fur much longer, thank ya very much, time," BoB said, and walked into his escape pod. He pulled the dematerialization lever, and the central column rose. The lights on the walls turned on, very dimly, but flickered off again; the column fell, and nothing happened. 

"So ya think ya can do this to BoB, time?" BoB yelled into the rip in the sky. Thunder came echoing out from the gap. "Ya can't!" BoB said, running back into his escape pod. BoB opened a secret panel, and got one of the metallic emergency tethers out of it. BoB opened another one, which had a nozzle inside of it. BoB stuck a balloon on it, and tuned it on. "It'z a good thin BoB has dis," BoB said to himself. BoB took the balloon, and tied it. "Good thin BoB has helium, huh time? BoB had dat in dare for if BoB ever need to throw a party, but dat not much use when yer stranded in.. wat, the sixteen hudredz? How ya gonna throw a party den?" BoB asked, now under his control panel, messing with the wires. BoB shut the paneling under the wires, and walked outside. "Ya think BoB want ta be here, four hundred years frum BoB'z time, and from a workin scape pod? Good of ya to make dat decision, time," BoB said, tying the tether around the balloon. "Good thing BoB has an idea den," BoB said, letting the balloon float up. "After all, watz four hundred years wen ya have a time machine? Sure, it not work much now, but it could with just a little more power running through it. Watz four hundred years wen ya have a time machine, a balloon, wire, and a power source..." BoB said. "One right above yer head?" BoB said, as black lightning surged through the wire, and directly into the control panel. BoB dashed inside, and pulled the dematerialization lever.

"Wen ya have a time machine and need to save yerself, da only thin ya need iz an idea, and sum luck!" BoB yelled as the door swung closed. The column rose and fell, stalling. BoB kicked the control panel, and the normal wheezing occurred, louder than normal as the escape pod tried to take off. The lights on the walls flashed, but were barely noticeable because they were so dim. The wheezing stopped, and BoB grabbed the dust covered joystick. BoB steered through the purple energy, lightning blasts grazing the escape pod. One hit the glass door, and cracks appeared in the glass. BoB steered through the tunnel, until he saw a narrow gap ahead. He flew through it, and was in the paradox again. BoB checked the navigation, and pulled the lever. "Dare time! Wat ya think of dat? Four hundred years, traveled by an ancient wooden box! Bob traveled four hundred yearz, all becuz of a balloon, a string, and an idea!" BoB said, as the wheezing ended. The whole room was starting to glow orange and turn hot. BoB ran outside, and saw his old escape pod sitting there. BoB hopped in it, and shut the door. 

"BoB, you got caught in a time distortion! How did you get b- oh no. BoB, we have to get out of here, now," Celliri said. "BoB know, BoB know!" BoB said, and pulled the lever. BoB looked outside, and saw the future escape pod was steaming with purple energy, and paint peeled completely off in some spots. Orange energy started to come out, just like in the paradox. "BoB, you shouldn't have done that. That escape pod will explode in a few seconds, causing another paradox," Celliri said. "Iz dat wat da orange energy iz? Paradox?" BoB asked. "Yes," Said Celliri. The future escape pod was letting off more and more orange energy, and it was steaming up into the sky. The escape pod was blasting out energy, which was all around it. There was a surge of energy, and the future escape pod was gone, and BoB's escape pod disappeared. If it had been there a second longer, BoB would have seen the energy fly into the rift in the sky, and seal it shut.

"BoB, you have caused a paradox," Celliri said. "So? BoB wuz already in a paradox," BoB said. "That's the problem, BoB. We caused a paradox, inside a paradox. This in turn will create another paradox, and so on. We have now crated an infinite tunnel of paradoxes inside each other," Celliri said. "So wat?" BoB said. "And we're about to go right through them," Celliri said as the control room shook. BoB looked out the window, and saw them fly from one tunnel, into another that appeared in the side. They were then yanked into another tunnel on the side of this paradox, and it kept happening. "Wat we gonna do Celliri?" BoB asked. "We can't escape these paradoxes by flying. If we continue to tumble, we'll just be caught here endlessly. But there is one tiny amount of time when we're in between paradoxes, that we might be able to get out of here. Right as we pass through paradoxes, we are basically nowhere. If we dematerialize right then, we might be able to escape these paradoxes." "Okay den, give BoB a countdown," BoB said, grabbing the lever. "Three... two... one..." BoB pulled the lever, and the lights on the walls shone as bright as they could.

"Did we make it?" BoB asked as the lights dimmed again. BoB looked outside, and saw it was the blue energy outside, instead of the paradox. "Yes! Alright Celliri, take BoB to da next scape pod piece!" BoB said, pulling the lever again. 

The Debate (And the Destruction of The Universe)

BoB's escape pod flew through the paradox, as BoB was slammed into the spinning walls. He looked outside the glass door, and saw they were about to hit the side of the tunnel of energy. Suddenly, a vortex opened right where the escape pod was about to hit, and they flew through it, into a tunnel of blue energy. "Wait a minute... dis look like da normal vortex where BoB travel through time! Dez dat mean we out of da paradox?" BoB asked. "Systems indicate a mix of paradox energy contaminating this time stream. We are not free of the paradox yet," Celliri said. The control column started to rise and fall, and the wheezing noise began as the walls started slowly flashing.

"Why iz dis timestreem thing cantanumated?" BoB asked. "It appears we are in a different dimension," Celliri said. "Iz dat bad?" BoB asked. "Not necessarily," Celliri said. "Oh, well dat good." "The bad part is this is not a fully stable universe.  It's an alternate timeline, that just sprang up with no reason, with no events that could have caused this to happen. It's only a few miles wide. Outside of that, nothing exists. In an hour at the most, this dimension will collapse, sending everyone in it back to standard reality, exactly where they were before, convinced it was a dream," Celliri said. "Befour? Befour wat?" BoB asked.

"This dimension just sucked random people in it. Once they return to the normal universe upon this dimension's collapse, they'll have been gone only milliseconds, not even fast enough for anyone around them to notice." "Why can't BoB just take off again den?" BoB asked. "There is a piece of the former escape pod exterior in this dimension," Celliri said. "Wat? But dat impossible! Ya just said dis dimension wuz only formed a few minutes ago!" BoB said. "Yes. It is impossible. That's why we got here from a paradox," Celliri said. "Wear iz dis scape pod piece? It can't be to far away, if da dimension is so small," BoB said. "It appears to be right outside the door," Celliri said. BoB walked over to the door, and opened it. He found a letter, but no escape pod piece. BoB started to read the letter.

"Dear BoB,

You are an idiot great person, just a great person.

How ever, i hate your guts, and want to kill you. You made me look like an idiot the last time we had a debate. I obviously couldn't be an idiot, ever, be cause im too much of a geanus geuneeus billiarnt smart to be stopid stewpid stoopid dum.

i  have arived in this dimension to have another debate with you, so that i don't look so stopid stewpid stoopid dum.

i heve stoled yore escape pod piece, so that you have motavatun motervision a reason to debate.

if you debate with me you will get it.

Signed,

      Evil BoB

This letter co-written by Ronald Drumpf

"Dat stupid Evil BoB! He saw da scape pod piece!" BoB said. "What are you going to do about that?" asked Evil BoB, who was standing in the doorway. "Well, BoB'll... go put a suit on and debate, BoB thinks," BoB said. BoB walked off into the escape pod's changing room, and put on a nice suit. "BoB'z ready fur dat debate, Evil BoB!" BoB said, and closed his escape pod door behind him. "Good. I'll get ready, and then I'll make you look dum! When those lights turn on out there, get on the stage," Evil BoB said. After a few minutes, the lights turned on, and BoB stepped onto the stage, behind his podium. He looked off to his right, and saw Evil BoB standing next to him, with a cat glued to his head. "Moderator, come on, ask the questions!" Evil BoB said after a couple moments of silence. "What? Oh, sorry, I was distracted by your, um, interesting choice of headwear," said the moderator. "IT'S MY REAL HAIR!" Evil BoB screamed, spit flying from his face, and onto the people in the front row. "Well, then, let the debate, uh, begin," the moderator said.

[NOTE: The debate has been written as a transcription, because that's how BoB sent it to us] 

Moderator: For the first question... mister Evil BoB is that really your real hair?

Evil BoB: IT'S MY REAL HAIR!!!

 

Moderator: Okay then, whatever you say. But seriously, you know how unconvincing that looks? Anyway, now that the debate has begun, maybe both of you should tell us a little about yourselves. Evil BoB, you start.

Evil BoB: Hello everyone, I’m Evil BoB. Some people know me as the head, CEO, king, and overlord of Evil BoB Skyscrapers. Just like everyone else, I have to work hard. I got a tiny loan of a million dollars, and now I have built hundreds of Evil BoB Skyscrapers! Others may know me for my amazing reality show, Celebrity Trainee, where I tell people what to do, and if they don’t do it right, I fire them!

Moderator: And what is your platform, Mister Evil BoB?

Evil BoB: My platform? Why, I use racism, of course! Nothing can work as well as good old-fashioned racism! Just look at all those voters it’s got me!

Moderator: And now, BoB, can you tell us about yourself?

BoB: Well, BoB don’t have much political experiencez, but-

Evil BoB: AHA! SEE? He isn’t even fit to be president! Vote for me!

BoB: BoB wuz talking! BoB donut have much experience in politics, but BoB know lot about how a government works becuz BoB iz a very high ranking professional sign inspector, and haz to file tonz of paperworkzez every year.

Evil BoB: That’s not logical! You think you know how to run a government just because you file paperwork?

BoB: Ya think ya know how ta run a government just because yer rich and have a TV show?

Evil BoB: That’s not true! I’m also a racist! That’s what makes me fit to run for president!

Moderator: BoB, tell us about your platform.

BoB: Itz uhhhhh… its….

BoB looks around at the stage under him.

BoB: Itz made of wood!

Evil BoB: That’s not what they meant! Look at this idiot! Who would you rather vote for? An idiot, or me, a racist bigot? I say it’s a clear answer! Evil BoB for president 2016!

Moderator: Alright, now, for the first question, for both candidates… What do you think of gun control?

Evil BoB: I think everyone should have more guns! Guns for all! Guns solve everything!

BoB: Dez guns really solve everything? Can ya get peace with guns?

Evil BoB: Of course you can! Once you shoot them all dead, they can’t be around causing trouble!

BoB: Well, dat not peace, iz it? BoB think dat people should deffanitely not be alloud to purchase semiautomatic weapons. Doze should only go to the military.

Evil BoB: Oh please. “Peace?” Everyone knows that guns are the second best solution to everything, just behind racism! Car not starting? Shoot it! People vandalizing buildings? Shoot them! Teacher didn’t give your kid a good enough report card? Shoot that report card! Gas station pump broken? Shoot it! Guns solve everything! What do you want next, for people to have the safety on their guns on at all times? How would you even enforce that?

BoB: BoB not sure how BoB'd enforce dat but maybe-

Evil BoB: Did you hear that? He’s not sure! He doesn’t have an answer!

BoB: Well, itz better den just making stuffs up about how you’ll fix the problem!

Evil BoB: Your lack of political experience is showing, idiot! Besides, if someone leaves the safety off on a gun, and some idiot’s kid shoots it off by accident, it’s just natural selection!

BoB: BoB pretty sure dat not how natural selection workz.

Evil BoB: Sure it is! See, here.

[Evil BoB pulls a grenade out of his pocket, takes the pin out, and throws it into the crowd, where it explodes.]

Evil BoB: See, that’s natural selection. Those people in the explosion? They couldn’t run fast enough, so now they’re dead.

BoB: Dat not natural selection, dat murde-

Evil BoB: HEY PARAMEDICS! KEEP AWAY FROM THOSE PEOPLE WHILE I TRY TO PROVE A POINT, OR YOU’LL BE THE NEXT VICTIMS OF NATURAL SELECTION!

Moderator: Um, let’s move on to the next question, okay? Next question: What do both candidates think about healthcare?

Evil BoB: I think those paramedics need to stay away from those victims of natural selection, OR THEY’LL BE NEXT!

BoB: BoB think we should try to give healthcare to everyone and-

Evil BoB: Nobody should get healthcare! That also ruins natural selection! Then if somebody gets sick or injured, which may or may not happen through a grenade explosion, they might still get better!

Moderator: Um, next question, since I’m worried you’ll kill- err, naturally select more people. Next question: What is your stance on taxes?

BoB: BoB think everyone should have to pay de same percentage of taxes, with no loopholes four de rich.

Evil BoB: Taxes? Why, only the poor should have to pay those! Taxes on the rich? How stupid! Why, just yesterday, I had to pay taxes on my warehouse full of grenades, like some filthy peasant! Is that fair to do to someone whose net worth is one hundred times that of what a normal person will make in a lifetime? I think not! Vote for me, and nobody will pay taxes if they’re over a certain net worth, which will be determined on a later date! Not only that, but anyone can be a millionaire if you vote for me! Or invest in my new company, which I assure you it’s not going to go bankrupt like my last four! After all, would someone with a cat on his head lie to you?

Moderator: All right, and now, what do both of you think about these big corporations and them buying off candidates?

BoB: It need ta stop! Now politicians just pass laws for what’s good for de companies!

Evil BoB: Well, the people who gave me a campaign contribution at WOLF News don’t want me to talk about it, so I won’t say too much. However, we won’t need to talk about it once I pay the media to not talk about it any more! Like that grenade I threw that probably killed at least one person? We won’t talk about that once I bribe the media!

Moderator: Next question: What about education?

BoB: BoB think we should have free education for everyone. After all, everyone needs an education, or dey'd vote fur mister killey-killey over dare.

Evil BoB: Everyone must pay for school! The only schools we’ll have open are Evil BoB Universities, where everyone must pay, and can only be taught Evil BoB approved material. Plus, it’s been statistically shown that the less educated you are, the more likely you are to vote for me! All my supporters are stupid! I love stupid people! And now, stupid people, I ask you this. Do you want other people to be smarter than you? Of course not! That’s why you need to vote for me, so that nobody can be smarter than you. In fact, here I’m thinking I should change my campaign slogan from “Make America Better Again” to “Do you want to not look like an idiot? Vote for Evil BoB!”

BoB: Who'd vote for dis guy? He killing people before he even getz into office, and now he calling all his supporters stupid. Why would ya want him as president?

Evil BoB: I wasn’t done talking! Now, here, you only need to be smart enough to pull the pin out of a grenade in the United States of The Glorious Evil BoB, Our Best President Ever… which is the new name for America, by the way, but it could be shortened to “U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E.”, pronounced “Us-ot-ge-BoB-pe”, for those who don’t want to remember all those letters, or who don’t even know what letters are. Anyway, I’m going to throw this grenade into the crowd, and someone needs to remove the pin, to prove they have what it takes to live in the U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E.

[Evil BoB hurls a grenade into the crowd. Followed by an explosion as someone pulls the pin.]

Evil BoB: See, now that person was smart enough to pull the pin, but wasn’t smart enough to throw the grenade, so they didn’t deserve to live in the U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E.

BoB: Congratulationz, yer a murderer.

Evil BoB: Nope, it’s just natural selection.

Moderator: Next question: What do both candidates think of wars?

BoB: BoB think we shouldn’t st-

Evil BoB: KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL FOR HAVING THE AUDACITY TO NOT BE PART OF THE GREAT U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E!

BoB: BoB wuz talking! BoB didn’t even get two express BoBz views on de matter, just like watz been happening dis hole debate!

Evil BoB: We should blow up all those other countries using all those free guns I promised! Or, failing that, because I have my hands… My very big hands, I may add, on the nuke button then, I’ll just press the nuke button before they can kill us! I can demonstrate with grenades if you people would like me to!

Moderator: Uh, that won’t be necessary. Just calm down, we’re almost done with these questions. Next question: What should we do about illegal aliens?

BoB: BoB think-

Evil BoB: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I BUILT MY CAMPAIGN AROUND! THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS I LIVE FOR! BOB, YOU AREN’T EVEN GOING TO GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE! What we’re gonna do, is BUILD A WALL, AND MAKE THE REST OF THE WORLD PAY!

BoB: Dat'd be hard to do if you blow up de world like ya wanted to last question.

Evil BoB: You Idiot! We get the money first, and then blow them up! Now, I’m gonna use that money, and build a wall all around America, or as it will be called The U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E! Now, I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself: “But these aliens have ladders! Surely they’ll just climb the walls!” But no! I will put up a ceiling around ALL of the U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E, using the best, unbreakable glass I can find! And now you’re surely thinking: “Oh, but grand lord Evil BoB, how will we get air?” Simple! I put tiny little microscopic holes in the glass, enough that there’s air, and then we can all live happily, with nobody who might be different than us ever getting in. And now, I bet you’re wondering “But Mister Evil BoB, assuming you let the outside world survive, how will we import and export things?” I have that all taken care of too! We simply have only a couple of sliding door like things built into the dome around the U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E. that open for planes to fly through, but high enough some alien can’t be sitting on top of the dome and just jump in as the doors open, getting inside of the beautiful U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E!

BoB: Ya crazy! Not nice, harmless, BoB crazy, yer just murdering lunatic crazy!

Evil BoB: Sure, you think that now, but when I save us from those who are different from us, you’ll see! We’ll be much safer!

BoB: How do someone get out of de U.S.O.T.G… Watever it iz ya keep saying?

Evil BoB: They don’t get out. Besides, why would they want to get out? They’ll have it best here.

Moderator: Well, that concludes that debate. 

[This concludes the transcript of the debate]

BoB walked off the stage, and saw Evil BoB. "Can BoB have dat scape pod piece back, pleeze?" BoB asked. "You think I'd actually give you what you wanted, even though I promised? Do you even understand politics?" Evil BoB asked. Suddenly, everything rippled, and it felt like everything was shaking. BoB looked up in the sky, only to see it peel away like wallpaper, and reveal absolute darkness. "BoB, danger, this entire universe is collapsing!" Celliri said through BoB's watch. "BoB could tell, thanks!" BoB yelled back. "I have this piece of your escape pod, and I'm taking it with me! Really, you are so stoopid stewpid  stopped dum for falling for this plan!" Evil BoB said, as he walked to his green Paramedic Personal Call Box. BoB saw a corner of the paneling of his escape pod sticking out of Evil BoB's pocket, and lunged towards him. BoB managed to grab on to the piece. Evil BoB grabbed it too, and they started struggling over it. 

"BoB, you have to get out of here before the universe collapses completely!" Celliri said. "Why? BoB thought ya said it wuz safe!" BoB yelled. "But not for you! BoB, in the standard universe, you aren't there! You're time traveling through time in that vortex, which exists outside of standard time! That means there's nowhere for you to be put back to in the normal universe, which means you'll be killed!" Celliri said. "Oh. BoB don't want ta be killed," BoB said. The universe was unraveling around BoB and Evil BoB, with small flakes of it flying away rapidly. BoB realized he didn't have to struggle against Evil BoB, so he kicked him in the stomach, and ran towards his escape pod. What remained of the rapidly dissolving ground seemed to start tilting right, starting to tip into the void. BoB's escape pod was already floating off, so BoB ran as fast as he could. "Celliri, open the door!" BoB yelled, as he jumped off the edge of the world.

The door swung open, and BoB fell right into the control room, where gravity was normal. The door shut instantly behind BoB. BoB pulled the dematerialization lever, and walked over to the glass door as the wheezing started. He saw Evil BoB's escape pod doors close, and the escape pod fade out of existence. That faded out of BoB's vision, and the only thing BoB could see was the blue tunnel of energy around him. Suddenly, a deep red blast appeared, burning the sides of the tunnel to nothing. "BoB, take the joystick, and whatever you do, don't let that energy touch us!" Celliri said. BoB ran to the controls, and grabbed the joystick. He pushed it as far forwards as possible, and realized it was only getting him closer to the energy, because his escape pod was facing backwards. BoB immediately pulled backwards on it, and they shot off. "Celliri, wat happening?" BoB asked as they shot backwards through the vortex.

"The entire timeline is being wiped out. Once this energy fills this tunnel, the way to this tiny dimension will be shut off forever. If we're caught in the energy, we'll be vaporized," Celliri said. "How long till we back in da paradox Celliri?" BoB asked. "Five..." Celliri started counting. "Four." The energy  was catching up, even though they were going full force. "Three." BoB could see the tunnel slowly turning from blue to orange as they got closer to the paradox. "Two." The energy was so close, the entire interior of the escape pod was shining bright red. "One" They shot out of the tunnel, and into the paradox. The vortex in the side of the tunnel sealed itself, with the bright red energy shining through the cracks, until it faded, and the dimension was sealed forever. "Celliri, what happen to doze people Evil BoB killed? Will dey be dead in da normal universe too?" BoB asked. "Luckily, due to that dimension technically not existing, they'll be exactly where they were in the normal universe before they were sucked into the dimension, and they'll be alive," Celliri said. 

"Ya know, BoB should write a transcript of dat debate. Maybe it can be put on BoBz website!"BoB said. BoB looked at the monitor into the paradox, and saw Evil BoB's escape pod behind him. "How'd Evil BoB get here? He couldn't get into the paradox!" BoB yelled, as the escape pod was carried to wherever its next location would be.

 

© 2016 SmappyBoB. All rights reserved.

BoB and The (Near) Crashing Of The Escape Pod

BoB's escape pod materialized in the paradox again as he took off, and the control room spun. "I told you not to pull that lever," Celliri said. "Well it wuz too late den, huh?" BoB said, as there was a crash, and the control room shook. BoB was holding on to the control console, trying to reach the joystick. BoB managed to reach it, but because the control room spun, BoB lost his grip on it. "Danger! The whole control room will explode if you don't manually override in ten," Celliri said. The control room shook, and BoB lost his grip on the central column, and went flying through the air. 

BoB opened his eyes, and saw trees above him. He rolled over, and saw he had been lying on grass. He looked around, and noticed he was in a forest covered with fog. "Wut wuz BoB doing here?" BoB asked himself. "Let'z see... BoB wuz... hmmm. BoB came here... and uh... Scape pod piece! Dat it!" BoB said. "Let'z see... BoBz watch say ta go... north! Dat da way to go to find it den!" BoB said, and ran off. The further BoB ran, the thicker the fog got. Eventually, BoB heard a growl behind him, and turned around. The fog was too thick, and he couldn't see what it was.

"Iz anyone dare?" BoB asked. Suddenly, a tiger ran out of the fog at BoB. BoB jumped to one side, and ran off. BoB ran, and saw a vine leading up a tree. BoB climbed it, and hoped the tiger wouldn't find him. BoB jumped from tree to tree, until he saw a river up ahead. He got to the last tree, and swam across the river. "Ha ha ya stupid tiger! Catz don't like water!" BoB said. The tiger jumped in the water, and started swimming across. "Or wuz dat dogz..." BoB asked to himself, as he ran away. 

As BoB ran across the mountain, he came across a giant cliff. BoB ran along the edge of the cliff, and looked behind him. He saw the wolf that was chasing him catching up fast. BoB tripped over something as he was looking behind him. He looked, and saw it was an orange cat. "Hello, I'm a talking orange cat," said the cat. "Dat nice. Good fur you!" BoB said, and ran off again. After a while, BoB saw the cat again. "Wat do ya want from BoB, magic talking cat?" BoB asked. "I could chase off that wolf that's chasing you," said the magic talking cat. "Okay. Dat would be very nice, since BoB wuz running from it," BoB said, and the cat ran towards the wolf. Suddenly, the wolf disappeared.

"Tank ya very much, magic talkin cat! Now, BoB haz a scape pod piece to find," BoB said and walked away. "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!" yelled the cat. BoB turned around. "Wat wrong with ya, magic talking cat?" BoB asked. Suddenly, the cat transformed into Donald Trump's wig, and started chasing BoB. "Bad magic transforming cat! BAD!" BoB yelled, and ran. "DEPORT!" screamed the psychotic Trump wig. "Aw, go build a wall around yourself, ya stupid thing!" BoB said. 

Up ahead, in the water, BoB saw his wooden fireman private call box, and ran across the beach towards it. "I hate Mexicans! I'm not racist!" screamed the Trump wig. "Iz ya a failed clone uv Trump or sumthin? Cuz dey got da racizim just right!" BoB said. BoB was  almost to his wooden escape pod, but suddenly it seemed like there was some force pulling him back. "You'll never leave unless you vote for me!" screamed the Trump wig. BoB ran with all his strength to his escape pod, and threw the double doors open. He ran inside, and shut the doors behind him, locking the Trump wig out.

BoB climbed the stairs to the control panel, and looked at the central column extending to the ceiling. "Wait a minute. Sumtin rong hear..." BoB said. "Let see... BoB wuz on da beatch...  and da wig wuz really a cat dat den turned into a wig, and BoB met it on a mountain... but BoB wuz on da mountain, den how'd BoB get to da beatch? And den dare wuz also a wolf... but wasn't it a tiger befour? And befour da mountain, BoB wuz in a jungle... But where wuz BoB before dat? How BoB get to all doze different places, without seeing dem befour? BoB didn't juzt teleport dare... wut wuz BoB doing in dat jungle? BoB got up, and den... BoB looked four a scape pod piece. But... wait a minute... wasn't BoB in BoB'z old scape pod now? And how dis interior back hear?" BoB said, and walked to the doors. He opened them, and saw that he was in his old escape pod. He closed them again, and started pacing.

"If only BoB could member wut happened befour da jungle! Befour dat... BoB wuz... BoB wuz... flying through the air... in... in... BOB'Z SCAPE POD!" BoB yelled. "And den... it wuz bout to explode... everythin wuz shakin... and den BoB went flying! BoB got it! BoB'z just knocked out right now! It all a dream! Dreamz don't ever make sense! Now... how can BoB wake up?" BoB asked, and opened the doors once again. He saw he was in some sort of larger space ship, where a couple of smaller ships were parked. Suddenly, he heard the sound of his escape pod materializing, a thousand times louder than ever. All around him, were thousands of copies of his old escape pod. "Maybe, if BoB find da right on, BoB will wake up?" BoB said. He walked around, looking for his new escape pod, made out of glass. Suddenly, he saw it. The one copy of his new escape pod, among thousands of the old ones. BoB threw the door open, and started to fall. He looked down, and saw he was falling from a cloud, in the shape of his escape pod.

"Well, maybe BoB will wake up from dis!" BoB said, as he fell. Suddenly, there was a wheezing noise next to him, and his escape pod was falling too. "Yes!" BoB yelled, as he grabbed the door and yanked it open. He looked inside, and saw it was the purple control room. As soon as he shut the door, everything started to spin, and there was a sudden shake. 

​BoB opened his eyes, and saw he was back in his control room, and it seemed to be falling apart. "Five..." counted Celliri. BoB saw the joystick laying right next to him, and grabbed it. "Four..." He pressed the button on top, and everything stopped spinning. The monitor turned on, and BoB saw outside they were about to fly into the side of the paradox. BoB tried to steer them away, but they flew through, and there was a wheezing sound as his escape pod materialized. "Good work BoB," Celliri said. "Tanks. How long wuz BoB asleep?" BoB asked. "Only five seconds," Celliri said. "Well, nobody can tell BoB BoB not a fast thinker... or dreamer... or watever ya'd call it," BoB said. 

They landed, and BoB opened the door. There was blackness all around BoB, but he seemed to be standing on a hard surface. He looked down, and saw a wall of his old escape pod at his feet. He picked it up, and hauled it inside his escape pod. "I'll deport you!" came a voice, and the Trump wig from his dream came into view. "Celliri, shut da door!" BoB yelled, and the door swung shut. "So Celliri, if we dematerialize now, we go back into da paradox, right?" BoB asked. "Yes," Said Celliri. "How can we scape dat paradox den?" BoB asked. "We have to just let the paradox keep carrying us, until we come out the other side, and are able to travel through time freely again. However, the paradox will probably take us to a couple of different places, so we'll have to take off a couple of times," said Celliri. "Well den, away we go!" BoB said, and pulled the lever.

BoB Flies a Space Plane Surrounded By Magic

BoB's escape pod flew through the red and purple vortex, and BoB was on the floor as his control room spun around. BoB looked through the glass door, and saw different places fly by very fast, then fading out into a red tunnel, with bolts of energy flying through it, occasionally hitting the escape pod. Suddenly, the whole control room seemed to warp for a second, and the lights in the walls started to flash, faster then they ever had before. Instead of the usual wheezing noise his escape pod made as it landed, it seemed high-pitched, and much faster. Suddenly, everything shook, and there was a thump. Gravity seemed to go back to normal, and BoB got up.

"Celliri, wat happen?" BoB asked. "We flew into the paradox, and it threw us through points in time were other paradoxes occurred, because we tried to escape the pull of the paradoxes. But we couldn't escape, and it kept sucking us in, until the emergency landing feature kicked in. However, landing while flying through a paradox damaged the systems. Wherever we landed, it seems we have opened some sort of wormhole in the vicinity," Celliri said.

BoB opened the door to his escape pod, and saw that in front of him was another door. BoB opened that, and saw lots of people seated in front of him. BoB looked around, and noticed it was an airplane. "Oh great, so da scape pod lands in da bathroom? Just great," BoB said. BoB looked around, and he saw it was black outside the windows. BoB figured it must just be night, until large rock flew past the window. BoB looked through another window, and saw what looked like a planet. "Celliri, where on earth iz BoB?" BoB asked. "Error. You are not on earth," Celliri said. "Oh. Oh, dat VERY bad. VERY VERY BAD," BoB said.

BoB suddenly wondered why people weren't panicking at this news, and saw that all of the passengers were asleep. "Wait a minute. Celliri, why can BoB breathe in space?" BoB asked. "Unknown. Let's just go with magic for now," Celliri said. "Okay, dat sound good. Dat wat BoB figured anyway," BoB said. "BoB should kinda get deeze peplez ta earth though. It might be bad if dey, like, stuck in space," BoB said. "Celliri, can ya open da door to the cockpit?" BoB asked.

Suddenly, the doors opened, and BoB walked in. The door closed behind him, and BoB saw the pilot and the co pilot were asleep. "Well, good thing BoB here ta help den if dey all asleep," BoB said. BoB moved the pilot out of his seat, and grabbed the wheel. "How BoB fly dis thing?" BoB asked, and tilted the wheel. The plane did a barrel roll, which almost knocked BoB over. "Celliri, why dare gravity on a space plane?" BoB asked. "Magic," Celliri said. "Oh, okay," BoB said. "Celliri, can ya give BoB directions back to dat worm hole?" BoB asked. "Turn around," said Celliri. BoB turned the plane back around. "Now what?" BoB asked. "Your destination is straight ahead," Celliri said.

BoB saw a small red speck ahead, which grew larger and larger the closer they got. Eventually, they were about to fly through it, and a blast of energy fired inside it. "Celliri, what iz it?!" BoB asked. "That is the wormhole. It appears to be made out of the same energy the paradox was," Celliri said, right as the plane flew through it. There was a huge bump, and the plane sped up. BoB tried to keep bolts of energy from hitting the plane, but a couple still hit it. "Celliri, make da force field around da scape pod big enough for this entire plane, so it safe!" BoB said. "BoB, we are approaching the middle of the worm hole. Once we get past the mid point, the whole plane will be trying to tear itself apart, so you have to fly it out as fast as you can, before it breaks apart. If we're lucky, the wormhole will collapse in on itself as we fly out of it," Celliri said. The plane shook violently, and BoB heard a groaning noise, like the plane was breaking. BoB heard people screaming from the rest of the plane, and figured he should help them not panic.

BoB hit the fasten seat belts sign, and started talking over the intercom. "Hello, dis iz yer new, uh, mercency captain speaking, and would like ta remind ya to fasten yer seatbeltz. Now, ya may be wondering 'what dis red, swirly, energy firing lightning at us?' Or maybe; 'why did they not warn us bout red, swirly, energy before we took off?' Or maybe ya thinking; 'AHHHHHHHHH WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, CAN DIS COOL, MAZING, PROBABLY HANDSUM MERGENCY PILOT SAVE US?' Well, BoB probably can," BoB said. "We're almost out of the deadly red swirly stuff anyway, so it probably fine. We should be safe within minutez. But it gonna get a little bumpy az da plane starts ta get free of da worm hole, so BoB suggests dat ya all HOLD ON TA YER SOCKS!" BoB yelled, and the plane shook even more, and the energy outside started to move faster and faster.

BoB saw a blue speck up ahead, getting bigger and bigger. "We almost out!" BoB yelled. The plane was almost there, but seemed to be slowing down, and the the energy seemed to be collapsing towards them. "BoB, the wormhole is collapsing in on itself! We have to get out of here before it does, or we'll be destroyed!" Celliri said. "BoBz wurking on it, okay?" BoB yelled, and he made the plane fly as fast as it could. The end of the wormhole, leading out to the sky, was rippling like it was made out of water. The plane suddenly started picking up speed again, and they burst out of the wormhole, as it shut behind them. 

BoB walked out of the control room, and saw everyone staring at him. "Good news, peplez! Ya can stop holding on to yer socks now, cuz we're safe! By da way, dis wuz all just a dream, and ya can go back to sleep now. Except da peplez flyin da plane, cuz dey still asleep. But whateverz. Now, go back ta sleep!" BoB said, and opened first the bathroom door, and then his escape pod door. 

"Why wuz  dey all sleepin if it wuz day on earth?" BoB asked. "We arrived three hours later then when the plane originaly flew through, because of messed up time and space. They will now be three hours late when they land," Celliri said. "Well dey should be happy! Dey not fly out into space!" BoB said. "Anyway, dare wuz no scape pod piece, but BoB guesses dat way happen when ya make a emergency landin to escape a paradox," BoB said. "Speaking of paradoxes, don't pull that lever yet, because-" Celliri started, but BoB had already hit the lever. "Why? Wat gonna happen now?" BoB asked. "The paradox caused damage to the demateriallization circuits, which means we're going to fly right back into the paradox!" Celliri said, and the control room started to spin uncontrollably.

 

BoB and the Water Planet (part 2)

Last week, BoB went to a planet covered entirely by water in his quest to get pieces of his old escape pod back. He saw some sort of underwater base as he was being chased by sharks, and went inside. 

BoB saw a window, and looked through it. He saw the shark staring back at him. "Ha ha ya poopy shark! Ya can't get BoB! Ya would have to break da window!" BoB said. The shark hit the glass, and the glass cracked the tiniest bit. "Oh. Well, even if ya did get in, ya wouldn't have any water to swim in! Ya could only get BoB if ya broke the hole place down!" BoB said. Suddenly, he heard a bumping noise from the other side of the building. BoB turned his head slightly, and saw there were lots more sharks outside. "Oh. Ya brought friends, did ya?" BoB asked. Suddenly, there were lots of loud thumping sounds as sharks rammed the building, and water started leaking in.

"BOB DINDN'T WANT  YA TO BREAK IT ALL DOWN, DUM SHARKZ!" BoB yelled. The sharks rammed the building again, and the water started leaking in faster. BoB looked around for a way out, and found a door. He ran towards it, and pulled it open. It lead to some sort of tunnel, and BoB closed the door behind him. He ran through the tunnel, until he saw a door on the other end. He swung it open, and immediately peered out the windows to make sure there weren't any sharks outside. He looked around the new room, and noticed a desk with a computer on it. BoB walked over to the computer, and turned it on. It immediately opened to an email account, with an email opened. The email said: "Plans for bases on new planet have stopped. Your complaints about the sharks have been recognized. Please return to our planet immediately."

"Oh good! BoB not da first one to make shark mad! Deeze iz sharkz with anger issues!" BoB said. BoB looked closer at the monitor, and noticed something. "Hey, wait a minute! dat look like a windo of BoBz old scape pod!" BoB said, and checked the map in the corner of his diving helmet. "It iz!" BoB said, as he started the break apart the monitor to get the window out. There were more thuds as sharks crashed against this section of the building, and water started rushing in. "BoB, can't you just take the whole monitor?" Celliri asked. "Yer right!" BoB said, and ran back through the tunnel to the entrance, carrying the monitor. When BoB got to that room, it was half flooded. BoB walked to the exit as quickly as he could, and tried to open the air lock. It was stuck. BoB looked around, and saw a gap big enough to swim through. BoB swam through the gap but there was a shark on the other side, waiting for him. BoB smacked it on the head with the monitor, and the window of BoB's escape pod broke free. BoB grabbed it, and swam as fast as he could back to his escape pod.

BoB swam straight up next to a cliff, and looked behind him. He noticed that the sharks were catching up fast. "CELLIRI, WAT CAN BOB DO?!" BoB yelled. "BoB, you do have a jet pack built into your diving suit. All you have to do is press a button on the outside of your helmet," Celliri said. "Why didn't ya tell BoB befour?" BoB asked. "It was right there in page one of the instruction manual," Celliri said. "Dare wuz a instruction manuel?" BoB asked. BoB pressed the button on his helmet, and he went shooting up. "BoB, the jetpack is on auto pilot. It will take you right back to the escape pod, but you'll have to swim for the last couple yards, because there isn't enough power," Celliri said. Even with the jet pack, the sharks were still very close to BoB. The jetpack started to slow down, and BoB started to swim as fast as he could. "Celliri, open da door!" BoB yelled, as he got close to his escape pod. The door swung open, and a little water spilled out the door. BoB swam into his escape pod, and the door swung shut.

Inside, his escape pod was filled with even more water than before, so BoB had to swim  to pull the dematerialization lever. "Celliri, how dis get filled with more water den before?" BoB asked. "This water appears to have some form of microscopic life, that can put out water. The water was appearing faster than it could evaporate, so the whole control room filled with water. We're going to materialize in the middle of space with no force field, and blast all the water out, so I suggest you hold on to something," Celliri said, and the column started rising and falling as the wheezing noise began. BoB grabbed on to two different levers, and held on as tight as he could as the door opened. All the water was sucked out. The door closed, and BoB fell to the floor of his now dry control room.

"Celliri, where iz we now? Iz dare another scape pod piece here?" BoB asked as he took the diving suit off. "No BoB, the next piece isn't anywhere near there. We appear to have arrived... oh," Celliri said. "Oh? Wat oh? Why oh?" BoB asked. "The controls seem to have short circuited because of all that water, and we landed millions of years in the past, but in the same location," Celliri said. "So? What so bad about dat?" BoB asked. "By releasing that water into space, it will eventually start to orbit some larger planet. The water will continue to make more water because of the organisms inside of it, and create that planet we were just on, causing a paradox. BoB! We need to get out of here right now!" Celliri said.

BoB ran over and pulled the dematerialization lever, and the escape pod started to fade away, into the tunnel of blue energy. "Dare! We safe now!" BoB said, but suddenly, a swirling red and purple vortex appeared in front of them. BoB grabbed the joystick and tried to fly around it, but the escape pod was sucked in. "The automatic gravity systems are breaking!" Celliri said. "Wat dat do?" BoB asked. "It's what keeps you on the floor, no matter how the exterior is tumbling," Celliri said. Suddenly, the whole control room shook, and the joystick fell out of BoB's hands. "HOLD ON TO YER SOCKS!" BoB screamed as they flew into the vortex.

BoB on the Water Planet

BoB's escape pod started to materialize, and the lights flashed. BoB walked over to the door, and looked out the glass. It looked like BoB had landed in an aquarium. Suddenly, a shark swam at the glass, hitting its head, and swimming away. "Celliri, why BoB underwater?" BoB asked. "This whole planet we've landed on is underwater. But  don't worry. We have a force field around the exterior," Celliri said, and BoB opened the door. "But it hasn't fully been put up yet, because we've just landed," Celliri said as water gushed in. BoB shut the door, and grabbed a bucket.

BoB scooped up water in the bucket, opened the door, and started bailing out as more water gushed in. The water kept flooding in, faster than BoB could bail it out. "BoB, get on a diving suit!" Celliri yelled, and BoB ran off to put one on. When he came back into the control room, he saw it was filled halfway with water, but more didn't seem to be coming in because of the force field.. BoB shut the door as water gushed out, into the rest of his escape pod. "Celliri, how we gonna get dis water out?" BoB asked. "The water will evaporate. Once you're gone, I'll turn the heat to the maximum so the water will evaporate faster," Celliri said.

BoB put on his diving suit helmet, and walked outside. There was a little map in the corner of his helmet, with an arrow pointing towards the piece of his escape pod. BoB was looking at the arrow, and not where he was going, when a shark swam at him. It tried to bite him, but BoB swam over it. BoB swam as fast as he could, but the shark was catching up.

BoB kicked it in the face, and it started to swim away. "HAHA, TAKE DAT YA DUM SHARK!" BoB yelled, and the shark started to turn back around. "NEVER MIND! BOB SORRY! BOB VERY VERY SORRY!" BoB yelled as he swam away from the shark again. "That shark shouldn't have been able to hear you through your diving helmet," said Celliri. "Oh sure, BoB really care about dat now!" BoB said.

Up ahead, BoB could see a bunch of metal dome like buildings, with tunnels connecting them. BoB swam as fast as he could towards them. 

BoB got closer to the building, and circled around it, looking for a door. When he found one, it slid open, and BoB went inside. BoB expected the doors to close automatically, but when they didn't, he looked around for a button. He found one, and repeatedly pressed it. The doors he came in shut right before the shark could get him, and the other side of the air lock opened up. BoB took off his helmet, and looked around. He saw lights on the ceiling, but they were just bright enough to see by. He seemed to be in some kind of kitchen, with a stove across the room from him. BoB saw a window, and looked through it. He saw the shark staring back at him. "Ha ha ya poopy shark! Ya can't get BoB! Ya would have to break da window!" BoB said. The shark hit the glass, and the glass cracked the tiniest bit. "Oh. Well, even if ya did get in, ya wouldn't have any water to swim in! Ya could only get BoB if ya broke the hole place down!" BoB said. Suddenly, he herd a bumping noise from the other side of the building. BoB turned his head slightly, and saw there were lots more sharks outside. "Oh. Ya brought friends, did ya?" BoB asked. Suddenly, there were lots of loud thumping sounds as sharks rammed the building, and water started leaking in...

 

TO BE CONTINUED...

BoB and the Asteroid

In the middle of space, a red telephone box faded in and out of existence, with a white light flashing from the inside. If anything had been close enough to the air bubble that surrounded the box, they would have heard a strange wheezing noise as the box appeared.

"Celliri , why doze round dents in da wall flash dis time? Dey didn't do dat before," BoB said inside his escape pod. "We are now operating under 98% power. They did not flash before because we were low on power," Celliri said. "Why do dey have to flash anyway?" BoB asked. "Because it looks good," Celliri said. 

"Celliri, where iz BoB? Where BoB land?" BoB asked. "We have landed in space, near Jupiter, as you requested," Celliri said. "Oh yeah, about dat... why BoB need to put in destination? It wurked before wen BoB just pull da lever," BoB said. "You had to put in a destination, because you pulled the wrong lever," Celliri said. "Well, which one wuz BoB SUPPOSED to pull?" BoB asked. "The purple one," Celliri said. "DEY ALL PURPLE!" BoB yelled. "Well, if you hadn't spilled grape juice on the controll panel before, you wouldn't have this problem, would you?" Celliri asked. 

BoB walked off to another room, and came back with a bucket of paint. BoB painted the normal dematerialization lever blue, and put the bucket of paint back. "Dare! Now BoB can't get confuzed!" BoB said. BoB pushed a button on a different section of his control panel, and it flipped over to reveal a joystick. 

BoB pulled the joystick, and a monitor appeared on a wall. On it, BoB saw an asteroid circling his escape pod outside. "Celliri, iz dat suppozed ta happen?" BoB asked. "No. We must have materialized right as it was passing by us, and it's now drawn into orbiting us," Celliri said. "BoB don't want ta be killed by an asteriod!" BoB yelled, and pushed forwards on the joystick. "BoB, it wasn't going to hit us, but it will now that you started flying," Celliri said.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" BoB screamed, and hit the button marked "super speed." BoB's escape pod gained speed, but the asteroid trailed behind BoB. "Physics shouldn't be working like this," Celliri said. "BoBz in a magic disappearin time travlin phone box, and ya want ta complain about physics?" BoB yelled. "Collision with Jupiter at current trajectory expected within fifteen minutes. Chances of the asteroid colliding with exterior, 97%. Estimated time before impact, one minute and forty eight seconds," Celliri said. "Yeah yeah yeah, what BoB supposed ta do, disappear?" BoB asked.

"Wait a minute, dat's it! disappearin!" BoB said. He pulled the lever he painted blue, and the lights started to flash as the wheezing noise started. His escape pod disappeared from space, leaving an asteroid speeding for Jupiter.

"Hey, BoB just remembered sumthin!" BoB said. "Congratulations," Celliri said. "Celliri, can ya upload deze picture to BoB'z ofishall site?" BoB asked, plugging a USB stick in the USB port on his control panel. "Uploading. These pictures should arrive on the site on exactly seven PM, April eighth, two thousand sixteen," Celliri said. "Iz it really gonna take dat long?" BoB asked. "BoB, we are traveling through time. When I uploaded those, we were just passing by the date and time mentioned. It took less than a second to upload," Celliri said. "Oh, yeah, dat right," BoB said. "BoB want to land there to make sure doze picture turned out," BoB said. "BoB, we're time traveling to get your pieces of your old escape pod back, remember?" Celliri said. "Oh yeah, dat right!" BoB said. "Den away we GO!" BoB said, and pulled the lever that would automatically take him to the next piece of his escape pod.

BoB and the Mysterious Mannequins

Last week, BoB escaped the planet covered in burning ice, and got a piece of his old escape pod back. After sledding down a hill on it and taking off, he flew off, to the location of the next piece.

The column rose and fell, and BoB's escape pod started making its wheezing noise. The tunnel of blue energy faded in and out, being replaced with a field, covered in half dead grass. "Celliri, iz it safe too go out dare, or does BoB need da space suit again?" BoB asked. "Systems indicate it is 100% safe to go outside," said Celliri. "Good!" BoB said, and opened the door.

Outside, the sun was setting, and it was starting to get cold. BoB could see that there were ten small, worn out looking wooden houses not too far ahead, and other than that, there was nothing. In every direction, there was withered brown grass, and there wasn't even a tree in sight. BoB wandered towards the set of houses and saw that on the porch of one of the houses was a white plastic mannequin in a rocking chair. Instead of a normal head, the mannequin's neck pointed up into a cone. A small gust of wind blew, and the mannequin started rocking in its chair slowly. "Well, dat freaky," BoB said. 

BoB walked over to the house with the rocking mannequin, and looked around. The porch was old and rotting, with small holes where the wood wore through. Above the house numbers saying this was house 260, there was a letter H, and a number one behind it.  ""H 1 260? Celliri, what dat mean?" BoB asked. "Unknown. There is no apparent meaning behind these numbers," Celliri said. "Anybody home?" BoB yelled out, and rang the doorbell. Inside the house, a sound halfway between a doorbell and a dying cat warbled out, followed by a thump, and then a crash. BoB rammed the weak old door open, and saw the machine responsible for making the doorbell noise had crashed to the ground. 

The inside of the house didn't look much better than the outside, with the floor giving away in places. There was no carpeting in all of the house, yet where the living room must have once been, there was a couch, and an old TV. On the couch sat a mannequin, just like the one outside. BoB walked back outside, and went to the next house. He rang the doorbell, and when nobody answered, he opened the door. He went up the stairs, and saw a bedroom. Lying in the bed with a blanket around it was yet another mannequin. BoB walked out of the house, and noticed something odd about its numbers. Unlike the other house, this one had an H, followed by a 2. Under these, the house number was -130. 

BoB kept wandering from house to house, and noticed something about the numbers on the houses. They had no pattern at all. H3, +10, H4 -63, H5 -17, H6 -30, H7 -35, H8 +20, H9 -25, H10 +15. There was no pattern to the numbers at all, and inside every house, there was nothing, except a mannequin. Every house had a mannequin, all of them exactly the same. "Celliri, what should BoB do now?" BoB asked. "Have you explored everywhere?" Celliri asked. "BoB haz went in every house, but dare nothing dare. Da only thing BoB didn't do waz walk out of da group of houses and look around," BoB said. "That would seem to be the only option," Celliri said. "How ya no if a piece iz here anyway?" BoB asked. "Systems indicate it can not be more than 25 miles away from the location of materialization," Celliri said.

BoB set off walking, leaving the village behind. BoB walked for about 20 minutes, without seeing anything but grass all around him. Not even a single tree was there, not a single cloud in the darkening sky, and BoB hadn't heard any noise at all since he left the cluster of houses. BoB looked back for the first time since he wandered off, and he couldn't see the houses. BoB looked ahead again, wondering if he should journey farther, when he saw the back of his escape pod less than twenty feet ahead of him. "Celliri, did ya move?" BoB asked. When he looked ahead, he saw that the cluster of houses was also ahead, and he had somehow come back around in a circle. "Celliri, what happen? Did BoB walk in a circle?" BoB asked. "Data from your watch indicates you had traveled in a straight line, never moving off course," Celliri said. "Iz dis a really small planet or sumething?" BoB asked. "Systems indicate planetoid is small, but still large enough it should take days to walk its surface," said Celliri.

BoB looked at the houses, and suddenly one set of lights turned on. All the lights on the porches turned on automatically, because the sun had almost set.  BoB noticed something wrong with one of the porch lights. One of them lit up red. "Aha! Celliri, dat must be BoB'z light four da top!" BoB said, and ran over to it. Before BoB could reach it, everything shimmered, and the world dissolved into a swirling vortex of colors. Then everything stopped swirling, BoB was somewhere completely different. It looked like a mall, but unlike everything else he had seen so far, it looked new.

"Celliri, wat happen?" BoB asked. "It appears you are in the exact same place as you were before you disappeared, yet are in another dimension," Celliri said. BoB saw a map of the mall, and walked over to it. It looked perfectly normal, except there were no exits on the map. On the floor guide, it listed all the floors, with a star saying "you are here" for floor one. BoB noticed something about floor 3 on the map, and looked more closely at the map. For floor three it said "Floor 3: Your only chance of escape." "Well, dat friendly," BoB said, and ran up an unmoving escalator.

When he got to floor 3, he saw a piece of paper lying on the floor, with a couple of drawings on it. BoB picked it up, and saw it had little rectangles on it, all with an H, followed by a number after it. Under the drawing, thee was a line, saying "Code: H1, H2, H3, H4, H5, H6, H7, H8, H9, H10" BoB looked behind him, only to see the escalator that brought him up here was gone, and replaced by a solid wall. BoB looked ahead again, and saw that in front of him were six different doors, all having the same logo on top. The only difference was that each door had a different number on it, from 1 to 6.

"BoB, don't move," Celliri said. "If you pick the wrong one of those doors, you will die." "Well what can BoB do?" BoB asked. "That piece of paper says code on it. Maybe there's a code you can put in somewhere?" Celliri suggested. BoB looked at the paper again, and got an idea. "AHA! Celliri, calculate 260-130+10-63-17-30-35+20-25+15!" BoB said. "Why?" Celliri asked. "Da paper here say H1, H2, H3 blahblahblah, and da houses have da letter H and den a number. So, if ya take da house numbers and put dem in den not one big string without da letter H and numberz, ya get da math problem BoB told ya. Now, wat iz da answer?" BoB asked. "The answer to the math problem is five," Celliri said. "Good!" BoB said, and opened door number five.

Inside, it looked just like an average clothing store, but the mannequins were all the same kind he saw back near the houses. BoB saw a large screen on one wall, and went over to it. It had lots of buttons on the frame around it, so BoB pressed one. A commercial started playing on the TV screen, and BoB looked for the home button. When he pressed it, the ad ended, and was replaced by a black screen with yellow lettering on it. It read; "This Store is the best place to buy clothes, discount toys or home goods. (Please tap the screen to continue reading." The word home was circled and underlined, which seemed suspicious to BoB. BoB looked around, and saw the section marked Home, with a strange circle around the word. BoB decided he should take a picture of these strange mannequins that were all over the place, so he took a picture:

BoB ran to the home section, and saw a button. He pressed it, and suddenly everything started dissolving again, and it was all just a swirling blur of color. When BoB felt ground under him again, he immediately started running towards the red porch light. The sun had set completely, leaving it very dark out, yet the little light there was seemed to shine off the mannequins. BoB grabbed the red light, and unscrewed it. It was burning hot, so he put it in his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. BoB suddenly noticed something seemed off. "Celliri, has there been any wind since BoB was teleported?" BoB asked. "No, there hasn't. Why would you ask?" said Celiri. "Because the rocking chair mannequin stopped rocking before BoB wuz gone... so then why can BoB still hear rocking?" BoB asked, and whipped around. The rocking chair was empty, with no mannequin in sight.  BoB turned back around, and heard a creak. He spun back around, and saw there were now mannequins looking out the doors of the homes. He spun back around, and saw that there was one with the door partially open in front of him. He backed away, and kept his eyes on all of them at once.

"HA! BoB saw dis on TV once! De quantun locked, or sumethin like dat! Dey can't move while ya look at dem!" BoB said. Suddenly, one of the ones further from BoB moved its arm up slowly. Another stepped forward. A couple more moved, and started running towards BoB "Ohkay den, maybe not," BoB said, and started to run. "DA TV LIED TO BOB! HOW COULD IT DO DAT?!" BoB yelled as he ran as fast as he could back to his escape pod.

Suddenly, the air in front of him started to swirl, and a couple more mannequins appeared in front of him. "Doze must be from da department store!" BoB yelled, and dodged to one side. BoB could see his escape pod up ahead, and ran even faster. Suddenly, a fist from one of the mannequins shot past BoB on his left, and hit the ground. Where it hit, the ground immediately got covered in shiny white plastic. 

BoB was almost to his escape pod now, and mannequin fists kept flying past him. "Celliri, open da door!" BoB yelled, and the door swung open. BoB ran right inside, and the door shut behind him. He ran to the control panel, and pulled the dematerialization handle. He looked out the glass door, and saw the mannequins fists were coating the outside in plastic. "Wait a minute, why dare no wheezing going on?" BoB asked. "You have to set a destination, BoB," Celliri said. "Oh, right!" BoB said. "We're going to get the next piece of da old escape pod," BoB said. "You have to be more specific than that, BoB," Celliri said. "Fine, Jupiter or sumethin, just get out of here!" BoB said, and the wheezing noise started. The indentations in the wall started glowing and fading in sync with the rising an falling of the column, and the outside started to fade in and out, being replaced by the tunnel of blue energy. 

Outside, on the planet of the mannequins, the plastic coated box started to make a strange sound, and started glowing from within. The glow and sound faded in sync with each other, until the sound faded out completely. All that was left on the planet were the mannequins, and hollow plastic in the shape of a phone box.

BoB and the strange planet (part 2)

Last week, as you recall, BoB crash landed on a strange planet made of ice, where fire shot out of the ground. The emergency landing caused BoB's escape pod to change. BoB didn't like the new glass version, so he set out to find the pieces. He wandered around the planet, until an alien found BoB, and threatened to kill him.

"You have escaped the snare," the alien said. "You will die," it said, and pointed a blaster at BoB. BoB rolled to the side, and the blast missed, causing ice shards to fly everywhere. "Plan has failed. Initiate plan two," it said, and threw something at BoB. "Scuze BoB, but why you throw thingz at BoB? Cuz dat not nice, see? Did BoB do anything to you? Cuz ya should only do dat too bad guyz. Like politicanz! Do ya have politicanz here? Anyway, BoB not do anything to ya, so ya should leave BoB alone," BoB said. "You have offended the citizens of this planet," said the alien. "Oh yeah? By doing what?" BoB asked. "Existing. You are different than us. WE do not like that. Therefore, you must die," it said, and aimed its blaster at BoB. "Ooooh, nice. Ya very nice, aren't ya? YA DIFFERENT DAN US! SO DEN WE NOT LIKE!!!!! Dat all ya do, just like Trump!" BoB said, and kicked the alien in the face.

BoB ran towards his escape pod piece, but suddenly aliens burst out of the ground in front of him. They were made of many blocks of ice, forming the vague shape of a person. Inside their heads, there was a fire ball that BoB could see, which must have been their brain. "Calling for backup in sector 547863955-v-38540. Alien creature on the loose. It must be killed," the aliens said into some sort of radio. BoB pushed past the aliens in front of him, and kept running towards the escape pod piece. BoB was almost there, when ten more of the aliens rose up out of the ground less than fifteen feet away from him. They advanced on BoB, but suddenly fire shot out of the ground.

"Haha ya dum alienz! ya melted!" BoB said, and ran through the fire. He got to the escape pod piece, and picked it up. It was the bottom of the escape pod, but somehow BoB managed to pick it up and not drop it. "Celliri, what BoB do now?!" BoB asked. "Run back to the escape pod. The location has been put in your map," Celliri said. "Celliri, how BoB get there if there killy monsters in da way?" BoB said, as he ran towards the aliens. "Your best solution would be to run," Celliri said. "Celliri, can't ya just take off and land next to BoB? Or at least on da other side of da killy monsterz?" BoB asked. "Route recalculating. Turn right. If you reach your destination, congratulations. You were not killed," Celliri said. BoB turned right, and kept running, only to see a huge hill, with a red speck that must have been his escape pod near the bottom. "COULDN'T YA JUST LAND ANYWHERE ELSE?" BoB yelled, and turned around. He saw the aliens coming closer, and got an idea. He put the escape pod piece under him, ran, and jumped.

"HAHAHA YA DUM ALIENZ! BOB FASTER DAN YA!" BoB yelled, sliding down the hill on his escape pod piece. The aliens shot lasers at him, and BoB leaned to one side. "Celliri, open da scape pod doorz!" BoB yelled. BoB lined himself up with the escape pod as best he could, and turned to look at the aliens. He saw that lots of them were chasing him, sliding like penguins.  BoB looked ahead of him, and saw that the base of his old escape pod was too wide to fit through the doors of his new escape pod. Just as BoB was about to smack into the his escape pod, he grabbed both sides of the escape pod piece he was using as a sled, and put all his weight on one side. This caused the piece to lean, with one side rising up, and BoB fit through the doors. He heard the doors close behind him, followed by the thump of an alien hitting the door. BoB's sled kept its momentum, and he pulled the dematerialization lever as it slid by the control panel.

The column in the middle of the console rose and fell as his escape pod made its wheezing noises, and BoB took off the space suit. BoB looked out the glass door, and saw that the planet outside seemed to be fading away, replaced with a tunnel of blue energy. "All right Celliri, dat one piece down! Now letz go to da next one, and hope dare a lack of evil killy thingz!" BoB said. "But there aways seem to be evil killy things, no matter where we go..." said Celliri, as the column rose and fell again, and the tunnel outside started to fade away.

BoB and the strange planet (Part one)

Last week, BoB picked up an alien on a strange planet, and brought them to earth. The alien tried to eat Denald Frump's cat wig, so BoB was taking him home. BoB put in a destination, and pulled the lever again. The whole room suddenly shook, and everything started spinning.  "Celliri, what's goin on?!" BoB yelled. "You did not let the engines charge properly," said Celliri"Hold on to somethin!" BoB yelled. "Hold on to what?" Al yelled back. "Well, there would have been sum thin, if it didn't break before!" BoB said, as a light blew out. "HOLD ON TO YER SOCKS!" BoB yelled as he pulled a lever, and every light blew out. 

 An emergency light came from the column in the center of the control panel, and BoB started pushing buttons. "Ya no, ya could help BoB, Al!" BoB yelled to the alien. "By doing what?" asked the alien. "JUST PUSH BUTTONZ!" BoB yelled, and the room did a barrel roll. Al started pushing every other button BoB hadn't, and suddenly the column started to rise and fall. "YA DID IT AL!" BoB yelled, as the wheezing noise started. BoB saw that al was fading, but by the time he got over to him, he was gone. "Celliri, wat happen?" BoB asked. "The alien pressed the home button. It should have teleported him home," Celliri said "Can BoB do dat?" BoB asked. "There isn't enough power left. We must land immediately, or we will be stuck forever," said Celliri. BoB started pulling levers, but all that happened was the control room started shaking. The light on the central column started to dim, and BoB finnally found the materialization lever. He pulled it frantically, and the column rose and fell as the noise started. Just as the column stopped moving, the light faded. 

"Celliri, what happen? Did BoB land it?" BoB asked to the completely darkened room. "We almost ran out of power. The emergency systems kicked it, and landed at the nearest point they could refuel. Activating reserve power," Celliri said, as the lights came back on. "Danger. Exterior sustained critical damage. Must reform. Using minimum power requirements to rebuild,"Celliri said, as the interior doors started to glow white. "BoB, you must get out of here, quickly!" said Celliri. "Wat if dare no air out dare? Den wat?" BoB asked. "The systems are sustaining a small bubble around the exterior which contains earth atmosphere and a protective forcefield. It should keep you from dying. Hopefully," said Celliri. The doors swung open, and BoB ran out. He opened the doors for the outside, and they shut behind him. The box was glowing white, and shaking. The light on top started flashing, and it made a noise like it was about to take off. The outside started to break apart not huge prices, and the light flashed faster. It broke into pieces just before it dematerialized, and the prices were gone. A couple seconds later, and the noise started again. Once it stopped, there was a telephone booth, with glass on all sides, and a door that slid open.

BoB slid the door open, to find that he was back in the control room, without having to open the interior doors. He turned around, and saw that the door was behind him, and on the other two sides, there was glass, but where the back should have been, there was his control room. "Celliri, what wuz all dat?" BoB asked. "The exterior was meant to be indestructible, yet you flying before the repairs were complete on the outside, and the low power, broke the outside into small pieces. We only had enough power to make this exterior, which is extremely breakable," Celliri said. "So dat way it have to look like forever now? And ya can break it just by throwing roks at it? Cuz BoB not good at flying, so dat not gonna wurk. Can BoB fix it?" BoB asked. "You would have to find all the original pieces, which have been scattered throughout time and space, because it exploded when it was dematerialized," Celliri said. "Where da closest pice den?" BoB asked.

"Searching. Calculated. The nearest piece is right on this planet. There has been a map downloaded to your watch, which will show the coordinates of the piece. Systems detect no life on this planet, so it should be a safe journey, providing you have the right gear," Celliri said, and a hidden door slid open, to reveal a silver space suit. "This is a temperature controlled fire proof suit, perfect for exploring this planet. You must put it on, as the air bubble outside is fading," Celliri said, as BoB put it on. When he put the helmet on, a display popped up in the corner, showing his the closest way to the piece he was looking for. Luckily, it wasn't that far away. BoB opened the door, and stepped out. The door automatically locked behind him, and BoB turned around. From the outside, you couldn't even see the inside, making it look like a normal phone booth. It would be a perfect disguise, if anybody used phone booths anymore. BoB looked a head, and started walking towards the red blinking dot that showed where the piece was.

As soon as BoB got out of the air pocket, he saw that the planet was ice under him, yet there was fire shooting out of the ground in random places. "Celliri, why it do dat?" BoB asked  into a microphone in his helmet. "This planet is close to a star, so it's normal temperature is 800 degrees Fahrenheit, yet gravity is so powerful, it compresses all the water vapor together, forming solid ice on the surface, making it unmeetable. The planet also has pockets of unidentified flammable gas which bursts to the surface, instantly catching fire from the heat," said Celliri. "BoB din't need a math lesson." "Actually, it would be qualified as science." "FINE! If ya say it geography, den it geography!" BoB yelled back.

"Danger BoB! Look out!" Celliri yelled, just as fire erupted in a circle around BoB. "BoB trapped!" BoB yelled. "BoB, your space suit is fire proof! You can just run through it it you're fast enough!" Celliri said, and BoB shot off. BoB kept running, and he saw a tiny dot of red on the horizon. "In one mile, you will arrive at your destination," said Celliri. BoB continued running, but suddenly fell over. BoB looked up, and saw an alien looking back at him. "You have escaped the snare," It said. "This will not be tollerated. You will die," It said, as it aimed a weapon right at BoB.

BoB And the Kautionioddities

Last week as you recall, BoB put his head back in the escape pod after convincing someone to vote for him, and shut the door. A few seconds later, and there was a huge wheezing noise as the box began to fade. The last thing the person outside heard was BoB talking to himself, saying: "Why it look so different in hear? Oh yeah, dat right! It got repaired! Ohh it look so cool! Actually... on second thought... BoB don't like it." The box was gone, but the wheezing continued for a few seconds.

So, as promised, the inside of his escape pod will be described. BoB looked around, and saw the room was shaped like a hexagon, with circular indentations set in the walls, and purple lightbulbs inside them. The metal column no longer attached to the ceiling, instead just rising and falling. The walls were purple, and so was the floor. Even his control panel was purple. "Celliri, WHY EVERYTHING HAVE DIFFERENT SHADE OF PURPLE?!!!?" BoB said. "The systems that determine color are broken." "But why? Didn't everything get fixed?" BoB asked. "It would have, but you spilled grape juice inside them, and they were used before everything got repaired. Which reminds me, there are new rules." "Rules like WAT?" BoB yelled. "You will not be eating or drinking in here, and you will not track mud inside." "Dis BOB'Z scape pod, and BOB make all rulez in hear!" BoB yelled. Suddenly, the whole room shook, and alarms started going off. "OH, right, BoB supposed to be flying!" BoB said, and started pushing buttons.

"Danger! Landing at nearest planet!" Celliri said, and the column started to rise and fall. "So... where BoB land?" BoB asked. "We have performed an emergency landing, because the engines are over heating. They need time to be broken in before being used to time travel too far," Celliri said. "But you said planet!" BoB said.  "Yes. We were teleporting through space, because you pushed the wrong button." "How long it take to charge da engines?" BoB asked. "Maybe two hours, at most," said Celliri. "Right. BoB goin explorin den. Be back soon! Maybe," BoB said, as he pushed a button to open the interior doors. There was another set of doors outside, a smaller one, that were connected to outside his escape pod, and this worked as an air lock. He opened the second set, and stepped out.

The sky was purple, and there was a red sun high in the sky. BoB closed the door behind him, and it automatically locked. The ground was gray and rocky, like an asteroid, but BoB could see buildings up ahead. He started walking towards them, but suddenly the holes opened up in mid air, and three people jumped out, wearing yellow and black checkered military gear. They wore what looked like motorcycle helmets, with yellow tinted visors. "Caution! A strange thing approaches!" one of them yelled. "Oh, sure, ya military peoplez jump out of nowhere endpoint gun at BoB, but BOB strange? And what doze uniform? Don't tell BoB doze camouflage." "This is camouflage, unidentified space creature. How did you get here, thing?" "BoB come here in red scape pod dat go WHEEEEEEZEEEEEE, WHEEEEZE, WHEEEEEEEZE and teleport. It right behind BoB, ya know?"

"You are under arrest for arriving outside of the legal docking area. Inspect the box." Two of the soldiers walked over, and gasped. "Wat yer BoBlem?" "This is not the standard colors of the planet. You have committed two infractions. You must be put in jail, and your ship confiscated." "If BoB hauled off to jail, can BoB at least know where BoB iz?" BoB asked. "Your question is within out guidelines to answer. You will get an answer, unidentified space creature. You are on the planet Kautioniodditie, in the Maritinausan Galaxy. This is one of the most well known planets in the whole galaxy. How have you not heard of it, Unidentified Space Creature?" "Can ya stop calling BoB unidentified Space creature? Call BoB BoB, okay? BoB izn't dat civilized anyway, so BoB can't know about it den, right?"

"No matter how civilized you are, you must comply with our laws." "No." "You will comply." "Nope." "You must comply." "Sorry, nope." "COMPLY." "Noperz.  Yer comment has ben filed in da propriat area dough, witch iz da garbage." "You must comply. Failure to comply results in all assets being forfeited to the Kautionian government." "Fine, BoB'll comply." "Unidentified Space Creature-" "BoB." "Right, Unidentified Space BoB, prepare to go through teleportal 556735683-G5, with your ship being transported as well." "Wow, ya really got dat bit mezmerized, don'tcha?" BoB said, and the air rippled, and a circle of yellow energy swirled in the air. "Proceed, Unidentified Space BoB." said a person, and nudged BoB through with a rifle pointed at him. BoB walked through, and suddenly felt like he was falling. He shot down a tube of yellow energy, until there was a dot of light at the end. BoB looked behind him, and saw all three soldiers behind him, and his escape pod. BoB looked forward again, and saw they were about to shoot out of the tunnel.

BoB shot out the end, and felt gravity take effect, and fell to the floor. "Get on your feet!" yelled one guard, pulling BoB up. BoB was in a white hallway, with cells on either side that had bars made out of red lasers. A guard grabbed what looked like a hair dryer out of their belt, and aimed it at BoB. They looked at a hidden screen, then said there were no weapons detected. A guard shoved BoB into an empty cell, pressed a bunch of buttons on a number pad outside, and walked away once the red lasers came down. "Celliri, can ya hack dis thing to let BoB out?" BoB asked after pulling the watch out of his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. There were some beeping noises, and the lasers faded. BoB walked out of his cell, and started walking off, when he heard a voice. "Please, break me out, too!" said the voice. BoB turned around, to see a short, furry purple alien in the cell he was looking in. "Why ya in dare?" BoB asked suspiciously. "I crash landed on this planet when I ran out of gas, because my co-pilot just knew we didn't have to get gas, and since my space ship was yellow and white, they locked me up for a life sentence, and destroyed the space ship," it said. "All right, fine, BoB'll save ya. Celliri, open the- oh, ya already did it," BoB said as the bars faded. BoB ran in the direction he saw them push his escape pod, and turned the first corner. He saw the alien was keeping up, and kept running.

BoB was suddenly outside on a balcony, overlooking a scrap yard full of ships, with barbed wire and a wall surrounding it. "Deeze peplez iz crazy about yellow and black bean da only colerz," BoB said and jumped a short distance onto a dusty hill. He ran down a path, and saw it lead to the only gate into the place. BoB stopped, and the alien bumped into him. "Why did you stop?" the alien asked. "See doze? Doze iz probably motion detecting lazerz. BoB saw den in moviez," BoB said. "Well then what do we do?" asked the alien. "Run!" BoB yelled, and dragged the alien with him. Every alarm went off, and search light came on. BoB kept running, and hid behind a pile of junk. "How will we ever find your space ship?" the alien asked. "It looks like it color coded, so look four red thingz, and find a little red box," BoB said, and ran behind another pile of spaceships. BoB kept running, until the spaceships around them were red. They seemed to get newer the closer BoB got to the center, so BoB ran to the center of the red spaceship section. The alien screamed, and BoB turned to see a soldier standing there with a smoking laser. "RUN! DIS WAY!" BoB yelled, and pulled the alien along. BoB saw his escape pod, and ran towards it, as a guard missed another shot. BoB fished a wireless car key out of his pockets, and pressed the unlock button. The light on the top of his escape pod flashed, and the doors swung open. Inside, it just looked like a hollow box, but the back wall was purple, and it swung open as BoB got nearer. BoB shoved the alien through, and jumped in. He slammed the door shut, and ran into the control room. He pulled the dematerialization lever, and the column rose and fell. 

"So den, where ya want to go, alien dat BoB doezn't no yer name?" BoB asked. "Al," said the alien. "Okay, where you want to go, Al dat BoB doesn't no yer name?" BoB asked. "I've always wanted to go to this strange planet called 'Earth,'" said the alien. "Alright, before BoB take ya dare, wat you eat on yer planet. Cuz if you eat peplez, den yer not allowed to go." BoB said. "We just eat gerbils and and other small rodents there. Can I go? PLEASE???????" asked the alien. BoB, being BoB, did the stupid thing and pushed some buttons, and there was a wheezing noise as they landed. "Alright, Dare. BoB'z landed. Ya can get out now," BoB said as he opened the doors. Al pushed open the other set of doors, and BoB walked out after him. "Alright, BoB'z in sum kinda stadium... dare sum one on a stage..." BoB muttered. Suddenly, BoB saw a huge TV and Donald Trump's face appeared on it. Millions of screaming Trump fans waved banners, most with Trump's face on them. Al jumped at a banner, and BoB immediately ran after him. "Sorry, four dat thing attacking ya, but it...ummmmm....BoB'z pet! Yeah, dat it! Where it go?" BoB asked. Suddenly, there was another terrified scream, and BoB ran towards it. "Sorry!" BoB yelled as he pushed people out of the way. BoB heard another scream, and saw Al jumping at another banner. BoB grabbed him, and ran off. "Sorry for da ripped banner! Actually, wait, yer Trump supporterz! Ya should thank BoB!" BoB yelled as he made his way to his escape pod. BoB opened it, and jumped inside. He shut the doors, and pulled the dematerialization lever. "Alright, what waz ya thinking?" BoB asked. "I thought they had pictures of a fat pink gumball with a gerbil on it's head, and I wanted to know where I could get one," Al said. "Well, ya better tell BoB what planet yer frum, cuz ya don't get to go to earth." 

BoB put in a destination, and pulled the lever again. The whole room suddenly shook, and everything started spinning.  "Celliri, what's goin on?!" BoB yelled. "You did not let the engines charge properly," said Celliri. "Hold on to somethin!" BoB yelled. "Hold on to what?" Al yelled back. "Well, there would have been sum thin, if it didn't break before!" BoB said, as a light blew out. "HOLD ON TO YER SOCKS!" BoB yelled as he pulled a lever, and every light blew out. 

Super Mega Highly Political BoB and the Debate

While BoB's escape pod was being repaired, he decided he needed something to do. He remembered he was running for president under the B.I.Z.Z party, and he hadn't been invited to any debates. This got BoB mad, and he decided he'd have to have a debate.*

*For the purposes of this BoBlog, dialogue has been color-coded.

 

He got a stage together, and put out a bunch of folding chairs, before he remembered he'd need an audience. He scribbled out a message in crayon on some pieces of paper, and ran around handing them out. Once all the flyers were handed out, he ran back to his stage, and dragged a box of costumes slightly behind the stage.

"Celliri, can ya be a moderator four BoB'z debate?" BoB asked into his watch. "Candidates can't be moderators," said Celliri. "BoB nose dat, dat why BoB not da moderator!" BoB yelled. "Candidates can't be moderators." "BOB NOSE DAT!" "Candidates can't be moderators." "BOB. NOSE. DAT. DAT. WHY. BOB. NOT. MODERATOR!" "Candidates can't be moderators." BoB suddenly understood what Celliri was trying to say. "FINE, BE CANDIDATE, AND MODERATOR! BOB NOT CARE!" BoB yelled, as he set up another podium, and wrote in crayon on it. He set up a video camera, and put it on a delay of five minutes until it took video. BoB strolled back onto the stage, and checked his watch.

He heard someone coming, and ran off again. He put on a security outfit, and ran up to the person. "Bag check security BoB here! No bags? Go on through, and take a seat! NEXT!" BoB realized there was nobody else, and ran back to the podium, and put a suit on over the security outfit. "Thirty seconds!" Celliri called. BoB got to the podium just as Celliri started talking about the debate. "BORING! BOB KNOW ALL ABOUT DIS! GET ON TO DA PEPLEZ YELLING!" BoB interrupted.

"Mister BoB, what platform are you running on?" asked Celliri. "Platform? Wat dat? Ya mean dis stage? BoB not running now, but BoB could run on dis platform," BoB said, and started jogging in place. "Let me rephrase that. Where do you stand on the issues?" "What Issues? BoB didn't know BoB was standing on any issues!" BoB said, and jumped back.

"Never mind. Let's get on to the questions then. How do you feel about the state of the economy?" "BoB didn't know dare was a state called economy. Do dat make 51 uv den now? OH, wait, you mean how da economy doin? It bad, BoB guess it bad? Maybe?" "Well then Mister BoB, what will you do to fix the economy?" "Make everything run on BoBucks! Den BoB could buy out Trump!" BoB said.

Suddenly, Evil BoB was there, with a cat glued to his head. "Did somebody say Trump?" asked Evil BoB.  

"We now have two candidates... one just appeared out of nowhere, but I guess we have to go with it," said Celliri.

"So then BoB...s. How will we got our jobs back from overseas?" Celliri asked. "Well..." BoB started, but was interrupted by Evil BoB. "YOU ALL KNOW IT NOT REALLY OVERSEAS! Its the Mexican Government, and they just BRAINWASHED EVERYONE INTO BELIEVING THEM! The only corse of action is building a wall, and if that don't work, BLOWING MEXICO OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH! Did you know there was a time when Mexico didn't exist as a country? Those were probably the best days in the universe! So now, If I'm elected president, let's MAKE MEXICO NONEXISTENT AGAIN!" said Evil BoB.

"But dare were a time when da usa didn't exist, so yer point iz... Wat?" BoB said. "Both of you, stop arguing. Evil BoB, let's say you're wrong about Mexico brainwashing everyone-" Celliri started, but was interrupted by Evil BoB. "BOB WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT EVIL BOB IS NEVER WRONG, YOU FOOL. And when Evil BoB is elected president, anyone who says otherwise will die a slow and painful death. Then we can MAKE THE USA GREAT AGAIN!" "Yes, Evil BoB that is very nice, but let's pretend you ARE wrong, impossible as it may seem, and say the jobs are in China? How do we get them back?" "Why, we just BLOW THEM OFF THE MAP!" Evil BoB yelled. "Iz dat how ya deal with everything?" BoB asked. "Why yes! And If you don't like it I can-" "Blow BoB off da face uv da earth, so BoB'z heard."

"So BoBs, what do you think we do about gun control?" Celliri asked. "BoB not know much about gunz. BoB only know dat when BoB pay in BoBucks, peplez with guns chase BoB and yell at BoB. And when BoB visit different planets, things with gunz chase BoB and yell thingz, until POWPOWPOW! BZZZZZZZT! FEFGFNHGBRTYIUJHRUOIYFGDFRHKYUHNBVAROIGLE! Things explode!" BoB said. "Everyone should have a gun, except for Mexicans, so they could shoot the Mexicans! And once every Mexican is dead, they all have to give up the right  to have a gun, because then they might turn on Evil BoB!" yelled Evil BoB.

"What do you think we should do on the education system?" Celliri asked. "BoB think everyone should have a free education, cause most people iz only az smart az BoB, and apparently dat a bad thing." BoB said. "Nobody should be educated at all, because then they might oppose me! Those who want to be educated, can come to my Evil BoB Academy, where they can pay lots of money to be educated! We should also cut down taxes for the rich, and raise them for the poor, so that only the worthy get educated! Oh, and if anyone is a Mexican, they can't get in, even if they are rich! In fact, I changed my mind. At Evil BoB Academy™, there is a free class everyone can take... SHOOTING MEXICANS!" Evil BoB yelled. "Sir, if you mention killing Mexicans again, I will have to make you leave."

"And now for my last question of this debate... how do either of you plan on dealing with illegal aliens?" asked Celliri. "And here it comez..." BoB muttered. "by KILLING THEM ALL!" shouted Evil BoB. "Yup, BoB knew it was coming..." BoB said. "Sir, I warned you. Leave now, or I will be forced to call Bag Check Security BoB on you!" Celliri yelled. "I don't see any security around, you stupid computer," said Evil BoB. BoB tore off  the shirt he was wearing, reveling the security uniform underneath. "Ooooh, BoB'z always wanted to do dis..." BoB said, and tackled Evil BoB. Evil BoB pressed a button on his watch, and disappeared.

"Well then, you still haven't answered the question BoB," said Celliri. "Wat was da question?" BoB asked. "How do you plan on dealing with illegal aliens." "Alien? Dat remind BoB of sumthin... THIS DEBATE IS NOW OVER, GOOD BYE!" BoB said, and turned his video camera off.

He started running back to his escape pod, when he noticed the one spectator was following him. He slowed down, and the person caught up to BoB. "So, who ya gonna vote for?" BoB asked. "Out of all the candidates there, I'd say the person at the empty podium." "Wha... Celliri? But she not even answer a question! Come on, out of BoB or Evil BoB, who you vote four?" BoB asked. "I guess I'd vote for you then," said the person. "Good! Good choise. BoB thinks someone tried to get rid of whole races of people before... what was dat jerkz name? Hider? Hilter? BoB don't remember, sumthin with a H in it." BoB said, as he unlocked the doors on his escape pod. "Well anyway, good choise picking BoB. Make sure ya vote BoB on election day!" BoB said, as he stepped into his escape pod. The door shut, and the person stood there staring for a second.

After about thirty seconds, BoB stuck his head back out and said: "You better vote BoB, cause dis here a time machine. BoB can just keep comin back, until ya do vote for BoB." BoB said, and then shut the door again. a few seconds later, and there was a huge wheezing noise as the box began to fade. The last thing the person outside heard was BoB talking to himself, saying: "Why it look so different in hear? Oh yeah, dat right! It got repaired! Ohh it look so cool! Actually... on second thought... BoB don't like it." The box was gone, but the wheezing continued for a few seconds.

 

BoB's new escape pod interior will be described next time in: BoB And the Kautionioddities.

Super Secret Ninja BoB

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