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The Debate (And the Destruction of The Universe)

BoB's escape pod flew through the paradox, as BoB was slammed into the spinning walls. He looked outside the glass door, and saw they were about to hit the side of the tunnel of energy. Suddenly, a vortex opened right where the escape pod was about to hit, and they flew through it, into a tunnel of blue energy. "Wait a minute... dis look like da normal vortex where BoB travel through time! Dez dat mean we out of da paradox?" BoB asked. "Systems indicate a mix of paradox energy contaminating this time stream. We are not free of the paradox yet," Celliri said. The control column started to rise and fall, and the wheezing noise began as the walls started slowly flashing.

"Why iz dis timestreem thing cantanumated?" BoB asked. "It appears we are in a different dimension," Celliri said. "Iz dat bad?" BoB asked. "Not necessarily," Celliri said. "Oh, well dat good." "The bad part is this is not a fully stable universe.  It's an alternate timeline, that just sprang up with no reason, with no events that could have caused this to happen. It's only a few miles wide. Outside of that, nothing exists. In an hour at the most, this dimension will collapse, sending everyone in it back to standard reality, exactly where they were before, convinced it was a dream," Celliri said. "Befour? Befour wat?" BoB asked.

"This dimension just sucked random people in it. Once they return to the normal universe upon this dimension's collapse, they'll have been gone only milliseconds, not even fast enough for anyone around them to notice." "Why can't BoB just take off again den?" BoB asked. "There is a piece of the former escape pod exterior in this dimension," Celliri said. "Wat? But dat impossible! Ya just said dis dimension wuz only formed a few minutes ago!" BoB said. "Yes. It is impossible. That's why we got here from a paradox," Celliri said. "Wear iz dis scape pod piece? It can't be to far away, if da dimension is so small," BoB said. "It appears to be right outside the door," Celliri said. BoB walked over to the door, and opened it. He found a letter, but no escape pod piece. BoB started to read the letter.

"Dear BoB,

You are an idiot great person, just a great person.

How ever, i hate your guts, and want to kill you. You made me look like an idiot the last time we had a debate. I obviously couldn't be an idiot, ever, be cause im too much of a geanus geuneeus billiarnt smart to be stopid stewpid stoopid dum.

i  have arived in this dimension to have another debate with you, so that i don't look so stopid stewpid stoopid dum.

i heve stoled yore escape pod piece, so that you have motavatun motervision a reason to debate.

if you debate with me you will get it.

Signed,

      Evil BoB

This letter co-written by Ronald Drumpf

"Dat stupid Evil BoB! He saw da scape pod piece!" BoB said. "What are you going to do about that?" asked Evil BoB, who was standing in the doorway. "Well, BoB'll... go put a suit on and debate, BoB thinks," BoB said. BoB walked off into the escape pod's changing room, and put on a nice suit. "BoB'z ready fur dat debate, Evil BoB!" BoB said, and closed his escape pod door behind him. "Good. I'll get ready, and then I'll make you look dum! When those lights turn on out there, get on the stage," Evil BoB said. After a few minutes, the lights turned on, and BoB stepped onto the stage, behind his podium. He looked off to his right, and saw Evil BoB standing next to him, with a cat glued to his head. "Moderator, come on, ask the questions!" Evil BoB said after a couple moments of silence. "What? Oh, sorry, I was distracted by your, um, interesting choice of headwear," said the moderator. "IT'S MY REAL HAIR!" Evil BoB screamed, spit flying from his face, and onto the people in the front row. "Well, then, let the debate, uh, begin," the moderator said.

[NOTE: The debate has been written as a transcription, because that's how BoB sent it to us] 

Moderator: For the first question... mister Evil BoB is that really your real hair?

Evil BoB: IT'S MY REAL HAIR!!!

 

Moderator: Okay then, whatever you say. But seriously, you know how unconvincing that looks? Anyway, now that the debate has begun, maybe both of you should tell us a little about yourselves. Evil BoB, you start.

Evil BoB: Hello everyone, I’m Evil BoB. Some people know me as the head, CEO, king, and overlord of Evil BoB Skyscrapers. Just like everyone else, I have to work hard. I got a tiny loan of a million dollars, and now I have built hundreds of Evil BoB Skyscrapers! Others may know me for my amazing reality show, Celebrity Trainee, where I tell people what to do, and if they don’t do it right, I fire them!

Moderator: And what is your platform, Mister Evil BoB?

Evil BoB: My platform? Why, I use racism, of course! Nothing can work as well as good old-fashioned racism! Just look at all those voters it’s got me!

Moderator: And now, BoB, can you tell us about yourself?

BoB: Well, BoB don’t have much political experiencez, but-

Evil BoB: AHA! SEE? He isn’t even fit to be president! Vote for me!

BoB: BoB wuz talking! BoB donut have much experience in politics, but BoB know lot about how a government works becuz BoB iz a very high ranking professional sign inspector, and haz to file tonz of paperworkzez every year.

Evil BoB: That’s not logical! You think you know how to run a government just because you file paperwork?

BoB: Ya think ya know how ta run a government just because yer rich and have a TV show?

Evil BoB: That’s not true! I’m also a racist! That’s what makes me fit to run for president!

Moderator: BoB, tell us about your platform.

BoB: Itz uhhhhh… its….

BoB looks around at the stage under him.

BoB: Itz made of wood!

Evil BoB: That’s not what they meant! Look at this idiot! Who would you rather vote for? An idiot, or me, a racist bigot? I say it’s a clear answer! Evil BoB for president 2016!

Moderator: Alright, now, for the first question, for both candidates… What do you think of gun control?

Evil BoB: I think everyone should have more guns! Guns for all! Guns solve everything!

BoB: Dez guns really solve everything? Can ya get peace with guns?

Evil BoB: Of course you can! Once you shoot them all dead, they can’t be around causing trouble!

BoB: Well, dat not peace, iz it? BoB think dat people should deffanitely not be alloud to purchase semiautomatic weapons. Doze should only go to the military.

Evil BoB: Oh please. “Peace?” Everyone knows that guns are the second best solution to everything, just behind racism! Car not starting? Shoot it! People vandalizing buildings? Shoot them! Teacher didn’t give your kid a good enough report card? Shoot that report card! Gas station pump broken? Shoot it! Guns solve everything! What do you want next, for people to have the safety on their guns on at all times? How would you even enforce that?

BoB: BoB not sure how BoB'd enforce dat but maybe-

Evil BoB: Did you hear that? He’s not sure! He doesn’t have an answer!

BoB: Well, itz better den just making stuffs up about how you’ll fix the problem!

Evil BoB: Your lack of political experience is showing, idiot! Besides, if someone leaves the safety off on a gun, and some idiot’s kid shoots it off by accident, it’s just natural selection!

BoB: BoB pretty sure dat not how natural selection workz.

Evil BoB: Sure it is! See, here.

[Evil BoB pulls a grenade out of his pocket, takes the pin out, and throws it into the crowd, where it explodes.]

Evil BoB: See, that’s natural selection. Those people in the explosion? They couldn’t run fast enough, so now they’re dead.

BoB: Dat not natural selection, dat murde-

Evil BoB: HEY PARAMEDICS! KEEP AWAY FROM THOSE PEOPLE WHILE I TRY TO PROVE A POINT, OR YOU’LL BE THE NEXT VICTIMS OF NATURAL SELECTION!

Moderator: Um, let’s move on to the next question, okay? Next question: What do both candidates think about healthcare?

Evil BoB: I think those paramedics need to stay away from those victims of natural selection, OR THEY’LL BE NEXT!

BoB: BoB think we should try to give healthcare to everyone and-

Evil BoB: Nobody should get healthcare! That also ruins natural selection! Then if somebody gets sick or injured, which may or may not happen through a grenade explosion, they might still get better!

Moderator: Um, next question, since I’m worried you’ll kill- err, naturally select more people. Next question: What is your stance on taxes?

BoB: BoB think everyone should have to pay de same percentage of taxes, with no loopholes four de rich.

Evil BoB: Taxes? Why, only the poor should have to pay those! Taxes on the rich? How stupid! Why, just yesterday, I had to pay taxes on my warehouse full of grenades, like some filthy peasant! Is that fair to do to someone whose net worth is one hundred times that of what a normal person will make in a lifetime? I think not! Vote for me, and nobody will pay taxes if they’re over a certain net worth, which will be determined on a later date! Not only that, but anyone can be a millionaire if you vote for me! Or invest in my new company, which I assure you it’s not going to go bankrupt like my last four! After all, would someone with a cat on his head lie to you?

Moderator: All right, and now, what do both of you think about these big corporations and them buying off candidates?

BoB: It need ta stop! Now politicians just pass laws for what’s good for de companies!

Evil BoB: Well, the people who gave me a campaign contribution at WOLF News don’t want me to talk about it, so I won’t say too much. However, we won’t need to talk about it once I pay the media to not talk about it any more! Like that grenade I threw that probably killed at least one person? We won’t talk about that once I bribe the media!

Moderator: Next question: What about education?

BoB: BoB think we should have free education for everyone. After all, everyone needs an education, or dey'd vote fur mister killey-killey over dare.

Evil BoB: Everyone must pay for school! The only schools we’ll have open are Evil BoB Universities, where everyone must pay, and can only be taught Evil BoB approved material. Plus, it’s been statistically shown that the less educated you are, the more likely you are to vote for me! All my supporters are stupid! I love stupid people! And now, stupid people, I ask you this. Do you want other people to be smarter than you? Of course not! That’s why you need to vote for me, so that nobody can be smarter than you. In fact, here I’m thinking I should change my campaign slogan from “Make America Better Again” to “Do you want to not look like an idiot? Vote for Evil BoB!”

BoB: Who'd vote for dis guy? He killing people before he even getz into office, and now he calling all his supporters stupid. Why would ya want him as president?

Evil BoB: I wasn’t done talking! Now, here, you only need to be smart enough to pull the pin out of a grenade in the United States of The Glorious Evil BoB, Our Best President Ever… which is the new name for America, by the way, but it could be shortened to “U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E.”, pronounced “Us-ot-ge-BoB-pe”, for those who don’t want to remember all those letters, or who don’t even know what letters are. Anyway, I’m going to throw this grenade into the crowd, and someone needs to remove the pin, to prove they have what it takes to live in the U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E.

[Evil BoB hurls a grenade into the crowd. Followed by an explosion as someone pulls the pin.]

Evil BoB: See, now that person was smart enough to pull the pin, but wasn’t smart enough to throw the grenade, so they didn’t deserve to live in the U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E.

BoB: Congratulationz, yer a murderer.

Evil BoB: Nope, it’s just natural selection.

Moderator: Next question: What do both candidates think of wars?

BoB: BoB think we shouldn’t st-

Evil BoB: KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL FOR HAVING THE AUDACITY TO NOT BE PART OF THE GREAT U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E!

BoB: BoB wuz talking! BoB didn’t even get two express BoBz views on de matter, just like watz been happening dis hole debate!

Evil BoB: We should blow up all those other countries using all those free guns I promised! Or, failing that, because I have my hands… My very big hands, I may add, on the nuke button then, I’ll just press the nuke button before they can kill us! I can demonstrate with grenades if you people would like me to!

Moderator: Uh, that won’t be necessary. Just calm down, we’re almost done with these questions. Next question: What should we do about illegal aliens?

BoB: BoB think-

Evil BoB: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I BUILT MY CAMPAIGN AROUND! THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS I LIVE FOR! BOB, YOU AREN’T EVEN GOING TO GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE! What we’re gonna do, is BUILD A WALL, AND MAKE THE REST OF THE WORLD PAY!

BoB: Dat'd be hard to do if you blow up de world like ya wanted to last question.

Evil BoB: You Idiot! We get the money first, and then blow them up! Now, I’m gonna use that money, and build a wall all around America, or as it will be called The U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E! Now, I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself: “But these aliens have ladders! Surely they’ll just climb the walls!” But no! I will put up a ceiling around ALL of the U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E, using the best, unbreakable glass I can find! And now you’re surely thinking: “Oh, but grand lord Evil BoB, how will we get air?” Simple! I put tiny little microscopic holes in the glass, enough that there’s air, and then we can all live happily, with nobody who might be different than us ever getting in. And now, I bet you’re wondering “But Mister Evil BoB, assuming you let the outside world survive, how will we import and export things?” I have that all taken care of too! We simply have only a couple of sliding door like things built into the dome around the U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E. that open for planes to fly through, but high enough some alien can’t be sitting on top of the dome and just jump in as the doors open, getting inside of the beautiful U.S.O.T.G.E.B.O.B.P.E!

BoB: Ya crazy! Not nice, harmless, BoB crazy, yer just murdering lunatic crazy!

Evil BoB: Sure, you think that now, but when I save us from those who are different from us, you’ll see! We’ll be much safer!

BoB: How do someone get out of de U.S.O.T.G… Watever it iz ya keep saying?

Evil BoB: They don’t get out. Besides, why would they want to get out? They’ll have it best here.

Moderator: Well, that concludes that debate. 

[This concludes the transcript of the debate]

BoB walked off the stage, and saw Evil BoB. "Can BoB have dat scape pod piece back, pleeze?" BoB asked. "You think I'd actually give you what you wanted, even though I promised? Do you even understand politics?" Evil BoB asked. Suddenly, everything rippled, and it felt like everything was shaking. BoB looked up in the sky, only to see it peel away like wallpaper, and reveal absolute darkness. "BoB, danger, this entire universe is collapsing!" Celliri said through BoB's watch. "BoB could tell, thanks!" BoB yelled back. "I have this piece of your escape pod, and I'm taking it with me! Really, you are so stoopid stewpid  stopped dum for falling for this plan!" Evil BoB said, as he walked to his green Paramedic Personal Call Box. BoB saw a corner of the paneling of his escape pod sticking out of Evil BoB's pocket, and lunged towards him. BoB managed to grab on to the piece. Evil BoB grabbed it too, and they started struggling over it. 

"BoB, you have to get out of here before the universe collapses completely!" Celliri said. "Why? BoB thought ya said it wuz safe!" BoB yelled. "But not for you! BoB, in the standard universe, you aren't there! You're time traveling through time in that vortex, which exists outside of standard time! That means there's nowhere for you to be put back to in the normal universe, which means you'll be killed!" Celliri said. "Oh. BoB don't want ta be killed," BoB said. The universe was unraveling around BoB and Evil BoB, with small flakes of it flying away rapidly. BoB realized he didn't have to struggle against Evil BoB, so he kicked him in the stomach, and ran towards his escape pod. What remained of the rapidly dissolving ground seemed to start tilting right, starting to tip into the void. BoB's escape pod was already floating off, so BoB ran as fast as he could. "Celliri, open the door!" BoB yelled, as he jumped off the edge of the world.

The door swung open, and BoB fell right into the control room, where gravity was normal. The door shut instantly behind BoB. BoB pulled the dematerialization lever, and walked over to the glass door as the wheezing started. He saw Evil BoB's escape pod doors close, and the escape pod fade out of existence. That faded out of BoB's vision, and the only thing BoB could see was the blue tunnel of energy around him. Suddenly, a deep red blast appeared, burning the sides of the tunnel to nothing. "BoB, take the joystick, and whatever you do, don't let that energy touch us!" Celliri said. BoB ran to the controls, and grabbed the joystick. He pushed it as far forwards as possible, and realized it was only getting him closer to the energy, because his escape pod was facing backwards. BoB immediately pulled backwards on it, and they shot off. "Celliri, wat happening?" BoB asked as they shot backwards through the vortex.

"The entire timeline is being wiped out. Once this energy fills this tunnel, the way to this tiny dimension will be shut off forever. If we're caught in the energy, we'll be vaporized," Celliri said. "How long till we back in da paradox Celliri?" BoB asked. "Five..." Celliri started counting. "Four." The energy  was catching up, even though they were going full force. "Three." BoB could see the tunnel slowly turning from blue to orange as they got closer to the paradox. "Two." The energy was so close, the entire interior of the escape pod was shining bright red. "One" They shot out of the tunnel, and into the paradox. The vortex in the side of the tunnel sealed itself, with the bright red energy shining through the cracks, until it faded, and the dimension was sealed forever. "Celliri, what happen to doze people Evil BoB killed? Will dey be dead in da normal universe too?" BoB asked. "Luckily, due to that dimension technically not existing, they'll be exactly where they were in the normal universe before they were sucked into the dimension, and they'll be alive," Celliri said. 

"Ya know, BoB should write a transcript of dat debate. Maybe it can be put on BoBz website!"BoB said. BoB looked at the monitor into the paradox, and saw Evil BoB's escape pod behind him. "How'd Evil BoB get here? He couldn't get into the paradox!" BoB yelled, as the escape pod was carried to wherever its next location would be.

 

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