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SmappyBoB.com

Smiling mad, he's so happy

Super Secret Ninja BoB

We're sorry there hasn't been a blog since last year, but BoB kidnapped our tech team. How do we know it was BoB? We got this letter in the mail, with letters cut out of magazines.

 

‚ÄčYour tech team haz bean kind nappeded. You will nut find den again unless you leave 10000000000000000000000000004400000006788996432000000 dollarz worth uv bob bucks near dat tree. You no witch 1. You will nevar trace da kind napperer.

Sincerely:

-BoB

 

So, we printed out lots of BoBbucks, and when we saw BoB, we put them under the nearest tree. BoB ran up to it wearing a ninja mask, picked it up and shouted: "DA SPECTACULAR NINJA BOB TAKES DA RANSOM MONEYZ!" and ran off as the cops chased him. He had left a little map to where he was holding the tech team, and we followed it. It lead to a four star hotel, where BoB was paying for ten different rooms, and the team had no idea they were kidnapped; they thought it was just a company vacation. Once they checked out of the hotel, they fixed the servers, and we could do BoBlogs again.

It turns out the latest thing BoB had been doing was running around in a ninja costume, being unsneaky, and blundering around.

It all started when BoB saw a bank robber running off, and BoB wanted to stop him. BoB decided he needed a costume, so he ran inside the nearest thrift store. He grabbed as many costumes as he could, and checked out by putting 742 BoBucks on the counter. He ran out the door and put on a ninja costume. There was no sign of the robber, but BoB had a brilliant idea. "Celliri, where'd da bank robber go?" BoB said into his watch* (*it was made last BoBlog, and is connected with his escape pod). A little map popped up, and BoB followed it. He ran faster than should have been possible, thanks to BoB logic, and caught up to the robber. He jumped on top of a car, did a backflip, and landed in front of the robber. "FREEZE ROBERBOBER!" BoB shouted, and the thief fainted. BoB decided he had to tell the police who caught this criminal, so he wrote a sticky note, put it on the robber's forehead, and ran once he heard sirens.

Later that week, he was wandering about, doing whatever it is he does, and he saw Evil BoB. He knew it couldn't be Evil BoB, but he had to make sure, so he walked over. "Hey, iz ya evil BoB?" BoB asked, and was rewarded with a slap in the face. Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB ran, and BoB ran after them. Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB ran to an abandoned warehouse, with a sign saying: "Do not enter. Absolutely no plans for world domination happening in here."

BoB saw this sign, and decided a disguise would be good. He put on his secret ninja outfit, and charged in. The inside of the building was very dark, with almost no light. As BoB walked in, the door slid shut behind him. He stuck to the shadows, and looked for Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB. While he was looking for Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB, he wasn't looking where he was going, and accidentally walked right into a ladder hanging from a catwalk. He climbed it, and looked around. Still no sign of evil BoB.

He looked where he was going, and saw a beam of light coming from one of the two skylights in the building. He decided he'd have to jump across so he wouldn't be seen. He crouched, and jumped through the beam of light, rolling in a somersault. While this would have looked cool to anyone watching, this made an amazing amount of noise, which BoB didn't think of, due to his lack of foresight. BoB jumped to his feet, and saw something move in the shadows. He quickly, with all the skill his three hours of training gave him, got a plastic throwing star, and threw it. He ran to where he had seen the movement, and saw he just hit a mouse that scampered off when he came close. He continued sneaking, and up ahead he saw another patch of light. He decided he would just run through this one, so he continued running. As he passed into the beam of light at the very center of the warehouse, alarms sounded, and BoB seemed to hit a wall. BoB tried to run backwards, but he was trapped inside the beam of light.

BoB heard evil laughter, and turned to see Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB. "Why hello, you've been trapped!" said Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB. "Why'd you trap BoB dough?" BoB asked. "Ah, yes. This is revenge for sending me up in the sky one that firework," said Supposedly-possibly-maybe Evil BoB. "So... do dat mean you iz evil BoB?" "Yes, you incompetent clone!" said Now-Confirmed-as-the-real Evil BoB. "BoB not a clone! In fact, you just a fig of BoB'z magination! BoB knows cuz BoB read it on da internet! How'd you 'scape, and not, ya know, die, by the way?" BoB asked. "I simply used this to escape!" yelled Evil BoB, and held up a watch with a digital screen. "What dat do?" asked BoB. "Brocili, untrap non-evil BoB," said Evil BoB, and the light disappeared. "WHY YA CRAZY RIPPY OFFY EVIL BOB! YA RIPPED OFF BOB'Z WATCH, AND BOB'Z COMPUTER! BOB GONNA SUE! BOB GONNA SUUUUUEEEEEEE!!!!!! CELLIRI, CALL SUE! WHO IZ SUE, BOB DON'T NO, BUT CALL SUE ANYWAY! IF YA GONNA SUE, BETTER ASK SUMONE NAMED SUE!" "Brocili, activate plan number 5835922632!" yelled Evil BoB, and the warehouse shook. Suddenly, a Samurai costume appeared on Evil BoB, and he jumped at BoB with his sword. BoB drew his sword, and blocked Evil BoB's. As they fought, the warehouse kept rumbling, and the walls seemed to be falling away, revealing a void of nothing, with little white lights spinning around in it.

BoB got Evil BoB pinned down and was ready to knock him out, but he had something he had to ask first. "Wat with da void of infinitely swirling inky blackness outside? Like, really? How come nobody saw dat? And why an evil samurai have da power to make infinitely swirling voids of inky blackness?" "Aha! You see, it wasn't really Samurai Evil BoB all along! It was me! Super-villain Evil BoB!" He said, and the Samurai costume burst, and revealed a spandex costume with spiked shoulder pads, a purple cape, and a backwards B in the front. "As long as you are in this other dimensional void for fifteen minutes, you will be trapped forever in the void, and I will be free to do... THINGS! EVIL THINGS! SO LONG, BOB!" yelled Evil BoB. "Brocili, teleport!" Evil BoB said, and disappeared.

"Celliri, Give BoB directions to the real universe again," BoB said, and only got a picture of a sad face, and a recording saying: "The location you are trying to reach seems unavailable from where you are. The location may have been closed, destroyed, or utterly annihilated. Please try again earlier." "Earlier? Celliri, what dat mean?" BoB asked. "You have a time machine. Would you like to use it or not?" came Celliri's reply, and two buttons popped up on the screen of BoB's watch. BoB hit the one that said yes, and there was a wheezing noise, as BoB's escape pod teleported onto the floor.

BoB jumped off the catwalk (with a spectacular backflip), and ran inside the escape pod. "Celliri, will BoB be safe in here?" BoB asked. "Analysis shows 0.0000000000000000000007 percent chance of surviving the void closing in. Best course of action: get out of here." "Oh, fantastic BoBsevation!" BoB said, and started pulling levers randomly (his best course of action for anything). There was a wheezing, and the escape pod took off. It wheezed again, and it had landed. BoB stepped outside, and saw the void had closed in more. "Celliri, what happened?!" BoB asked. "We have appeared in the exact same coordinates, just five minutes later. You have approximately 7 minutes left before complete annihilation. Correction: until you have 0.0000000000000000000007 percent chance of survival."

BoB ran back inside, and started throwing junk out of an old chest in the corner of the control room, until he found a universal remote. "AHA!" BoB screamed, and plugged it into the control console. He pressed a couple buttons on it, and pulled the dematerialization lever. When they landed, BoB stuck his head out, and screamed in rage. He slammed the door, and the escape pod was off again. It rematerialized seconds later, and BoB continued punching buttons at random. "Three minutes to ultimate demise. Recalculating chances of survival. New chance of continued existence: 0.0000000000000000000005 percent." "OH, YOU VERY CHEERFUL, AREN'T YOU?" BoB shouted, and punched buttons on his watch. It opened a GPS, and BoB had an idea. "Celliri, open previous destinations!" BoB said, and a new screen loaded. "AHA! so ya left then, and landed here, so if BoB put in doze coordinates, den just change da time..." BoB said as he pushed buttons with an actual purpose in mind.

"DANGER! FIFTY SECONDS TO ANNIHILATION!"Celliri said. "Oh, stop panicking!" BoB said, and pulled the dematerialization lever. "Thirty!" Wheeze...Wheeze...Wheeze... went the escape pod. "Fifteen!" The wheezing noises were getting louder now, as if the escape pod was being held back. BoB turned on the screen to show the invisible security camera's view, and saw the void had consumed all of the warehouse except for one circle of ground around the escape pod. "SEVEN!" The wheezes were almost unbearably loud now, and the ground was almost out of the security camera's view. "FIVE! FOUR!" The wheezing was way to loud now, and the sound echoed in the domed control room. "ALL UNNECESSARY SYSTEMS SHUTTING DOWN. REROUTING ALL POWER TO TAKE OFF. SORRY BOB, THAT MICROWAVEABLE BURRITO WILL HAVE TO WAIT." The central column was rising and falling faster than it ever had, and with a noise like a small explosion, a crack appeared, glass shards flew everywhere, and turquoise energy whipped through the air. There was a rushing noise, the control room rumbled, and flames shot out of the console. 

BoB was awoken from being unconscious from the loud beeping of the Wii U installed in the escape pod. He got to his feet, and ran outside. He quickly grabbed a fire extinguisher hidden in a panel on the outside, and ran inside to put out the fire. Once the fire was put out, BoB saw the whole control room was in ruins, and was totally unusable. He checked to see if any of the other rooms were better, but the hallway had caved in at the first intersection. BoB walked back to the control room, and turned on his watch. "Celliri, iz ya dare?" BoB asked. He waited, but there was no response but static. "Celliri?" Still no answer. BoB looked around, and the only thing he saw that was still standing was the table that had the microwave on it. BoB walked over there, and saw his half cooked microwave burrito was still in there. "Celliri?" BoB tried one more time into the watch, and when there was no answer, turned to leave.

As the was about to open the doors, he heard a soft humming behind him, and turned around. He saw the light in the microwave was on, and the burrito was spinning. BoB ran back, and heard a beeping coming from his watch. He looked at the screen, and there was a message. "Plug your watch into the escape pod now." BoB got the charger, and plugged the watch in. The screen flashed millions of colors at once, and a pinging noise came from it. BoB heard a creaking noise, and saw the central column was falling. It crashed to the ground, and as the glass cracked, there was a rushing noise. Soon the whole control room was filled with a light blue mist. A screen popped up on the watch, that said: "update complete."

"Celliri, iz ya dare now?" BoB asked into the watch. "No." came a voice from the watch. "Oh... okay den." BoB said, and walked out of the control room. "Wait a minute! Den who dare on da watch?" BoB asked. "Nobody." "Who Nobody? BoB looking for Celliri." "Who did you think this was?" "Ya said it was Nobody. Iz dat Celliri?" "No." "Was dat sarcasm?" "Yes." BoB jumped around the control room in happiness, and only stopped once he noticed the microwave was beeping.

He got his burrito out, and then pressed a button on the watch. "Celliri wook upf mwumpf fungmph shup phadipf," BoB said while chewing his burrito. "No no no, BoB not say upf mwumpf fungmph shup phadipf, BoB said how to redecorate a scape pod!" The page reloaded, and a button popped up on the watch. BoB hit it, and the GPS popped up. "The shortest path to not getting destroyed is right outside the door. Walk 10 feet, open the doors, close the doors, and you will have reached your destination. Unless you want to get destroyed, then that bit is entirely up to you."

BoB ran out of the doors as the inside of the escape pod started to glow white, and quickly shut the doors. "Celliri, Why BoB not allowed in?" BoB asked. "The escape pod is repairing itself. The result is white hot lasers flying through there, and various mechanical parts." "Okay den, while da scape pod fixes, BoB gonna do some ninjaing." BoB suddenly remembered he had taken the mask off earlier, as they took off, and he started to panic. "OH NO, DA WORLD CAN SEE NINJA BOB WITH NO MASK! DIS NOT NINJA BOB, NOPE! YOU NOT SEEIN NINJA BOB WITH NO MASK, NOPE!" BoB shouted as he ran off. "LOOK AWAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" He yelled as he ran down the street, to nowhere in particular.

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