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BoB And the Kautionioddities

Last week as you recall, BoB put his head back in the escape pod after convincing someone to vote for him, and shut the door. A few seconds later, and there was a huge wheezing noise as the box began to fade. The last thing the person outside heard was BoB talking to himself, saying: "Why it look so different in hear? Oh yeah, dat right! It got repaired! Ohh it look so cool! Actually... on second thought... BoB don't like it." The box was gone, but the wheezing continued for a few seconds.

So, as promised, the inside of his escape pod will be described. BoB looked around, and saw the room was shaped like a hexagon, with circular indentations set in the walls, and purple lightbulbs inside them. The metal column no longer attached to the ceiling, instead just rising and falling. The walls were purple, and so was the floor. Even his control panel was purple. "Celliri, WHY EVERYTHING HAVE DIFFERENT SHADE OF PURPLE?!!!?" BoB said. "The systems that determine color are broken." "But why? Didn't everything get fixed?" BoB asked. "It would have, but you spilled grape juice inside them, and they were used before everything got repaired. Which reminds me, there are new rules." "Rules like WAT?" BoB yelled. "You will not be eating or drinking in here, and you will not track mud inside." "Dis BOB'Z scape pod, and BOB make all rulez in hear!" BoB yelled. Suddenly, the whole room shook, and alarms started going off. "OH, right, BoB supposed to be flying!" BoB said, and started pushing buttons.

"Danger! Landing at nearest planet!" Celliri said, and the column started to rise and fall. "So... where BoB land?" BoB asked. "We have performed an emergency landing, because the engines are over heating. They need time to be broken in before being used to time travel too far," Celliri said. "But you said planet!" BoB said.  "Yes. We were teleporting through space, because you pushed the wrong button." "How long it take to charge da engines?" BoB asked. "Maybe two hours, at most," said Celliri. "Right. BoB goin explorin den. Be back soon! Maybe," BoB said, as he pushed a button to open the interior doors. There was another set of doors outside, a smaller one, that were connected to outside his escape pod, and this worked as an air lock. He opened the second set, and stepped out.

The sky was purple, and there was a red sun high in the sky. BoB closed the door behind him, and it automatically locked. The ground was gray and rocky, like an asteroid, but BoB could see buildings up ahead. He started walking towards them, but suddenly the holes opened up in mid air, and three people jumped out, wearing yellow and black checkered military gear. They wore what looked like motorcycle helmets, with yellow tinted visors. "Caution! A strange thing approaches!" one of them yelled. "Oh, sure, ya military peoplez jump out of nowhere endpoint gun at BoB, but BOB strange? And what doze uniform? Don't tell BoB doze camouflage." "This is camouflage, unidentified space creature. How did you get here, thing?" "BoB come here in red scape pod dat go WHEEEEEEZEEEEEE, WHEEEEZE, WHEEEEEEEZE and teleport. It right behind BoB, ya know?"

"You are under arrest for arriving outside of the legal docking area. Inspect the box." Two of the soldiers walked over, and gasped. "Wat yer BoBlem?" "This is not the standard colors of the planet. You have committed two infractions. You must be put in jail, and your ship confiscated." "If BoB hauled off to jail, can BoB at least know where BoB iz?" BoB asked. "Your question is within out guidelines to answer. You will get an answer, unidentified space creature. You are on the planet Kautioniodditie, in the Maritinausan Galaxy. This is one of the most well known planets in the whole galaxy. How have you not heard of it, Unidentified Space Creature?" "Can ya stop calling BoB unidentified Space creature? Call BoB BoB, okay? BoB izn't dat civilized anyway, so BoB can't know about it den, right?"

"No matter how civilized you are, you must comply with our laws." "No." "You will comply." "Nope." "You must comply." "Sorry, nope." "COMPLY." "Noperz.  Yer comment has ben filed in da propriat area dough, witch iz da garbage." "You must comply. Failure to comply results in all assets being forfeited to the Kautionian government." "Fine, BoB'll comply." "Unidentified Space Creature-" "BoB." "Right, Unidentified Space BoB, prepare to go through teleportal 556735683-G5, with your ship being transported as well." "Wow, ya really got dat bit mezmerized, don'tcha?" BoB said, and the air rippled, and a circle of yellow energy swirled in the air. "Proceed, Unidentified Space BoB." said a person, and nudged BoB through with a rifle pointed at him. BoB walked through, and suddenly felt like he was falling. He shot down a tube of yellow energy, until there was a dot of light at the end. BoB looked behind him, and saw all three soldiers behind him, and his escape pod. BoB looked forward again, and saw they were about to shoot out of the tunnel.

BoB shot out the end, and felt gravity take effect, and fell to the floor. "Get on your feet!" yelled one guard, pulling BoB up. BoB was in a white hallway, with cells on either side that had bars made out of red lasers. A guard grabbed what looked like a hair dryer out of their belt, and aimed it at BoB. They looked at a hidden screen, then said there were no weapons detected. A guard shoved BoB into an empty cell, pressed a bunch of buttons on a number pad outside, and walked away once the red lasers came down. "Celliri, can ya hack dis thing to let BoB out?" BoB asked after pulling the watch out of his smaller-on-the-outside pockets. There were some beeping noises, and the lasers faded. BoB walked out of his cell, and started walking off, when he heard a voice. "Please, break me out, too!" said the voice. BoB turned around, to see a short, furry purple alien in the cell he was looking in. "Why ya in dare?" BoB asked suspiciously. "I crash landed on this planet when I ran out of gas, because my co-pilot just knew we didn't have to get gas, and since my space ship was yellow and white, they locked me up for a life sentence, and destroyed the space ship," it said. "All right, fine, BoB'll save ya. Celliri, open the- oh, ya already did it," BoB said as the bars faded. BoB ran in the direction he saw them push his escape pod, and turned the first corner. He saw the alien was keeping up, and kept running.

BoB was suddenly outside on a balcony, overlooking a scrap yard full of ships, with barbed wire and a wall surrounding it. "Deeze peplez iz crazy about yellow and black bean da only colerz," BoB said and jumped a short distance onto a dusty hill. He ran down a path, and saw it lead to the only gate into the place. BoB stopped, and the alien bumped into him. "Why did you stop?" the alien asked. "See doze? Doze iz probably motion detecting lazerz. BoB saw den in moviez," BoB said. "Well then what do we do?" asked the alien. "Run!" BoB yelled, and dragged the alien with him. Every alarm went off, and search light came on. BoB kept running, and hid behind a pile of junk. "How will we ever find your space ship?" the alien asked. "It looks like it color coded, so look four red thingz, and find a little red box," BoB said, and ran behind another pile of spaceships. BoB kept running, until the spaceships around them were red. They seemed to get newer the closer BoB got to the center, so BoB ran to the center of the red spaceship section. The alien screamed, and BoB turned to see a soldier standing there with a smoking laser. "RUN! DIS WAY!" BoB yelled, and pulled the alien along. BoB saw his escape pod, and ran towards it, as a guard missed another shot. BoB fished a wireless car key out of his pockets, and pressed the unlock button. The light on the top of his escape pod flashed, and the doors swung open. Inside, it just looked like a hollow box, but the back wall was purple, and it swung open as BoB got nearer. BoB shoved the alien through, and jumped in. He slammed the door shut, and ran into the control room. He pulled the dematerialization lever, and the column rose and fell. 

"So den, where ya want to go, alien dat BoB doezn't no yer name?" BoB asked. "Al," said the alien. "Okay, where you want to go, Al dat BoB doesn't no yer name?" BoB asked. "I've always wanted to go to this strange planet called 'Earth,'" said the alien. "Alright, before BoB take ya dare, wat you eat on yer planet. Cuz if you eat peplez, den yer not allowed to go." BoB said. "We just eat gerbils and and other small rodents there. Can I go? PLEASE???????" asked the alien. BoB, being BoB, did the stupid thing and pushed some buttons, and there was a wheezing noise as they landed. "Alright, Dare. BoB'z landed. Ya can get out now," BoB said as he opened the doors. Al pushed open the other set of doors, and BoB walked out after him. "Alright, BoB'z in sum kinda stadium... dare sum one on a stage..." BoB muttered. Suddenly, BoB saw a huge TV and Donald Trump's face appeared on it. Millions of screaming Trump fans waved banners, most with Trump's face on them. Al jumped at a banner, and BoB immediately ran after him. "Sorry, four dat thing attacking ya, but it...ummmmm....BoB'z pet! Yeah, dat it! Where it go?" BoB asked. Suddenly, there was another terrified scream, and BoB ran towards it. "Sorry!" BoB yelled as he pushed people out of the way. BoB heard another scream, and saw Al jumping at another banner. BoB grabbed him, and ran off. "Sorry for da ripped banner! Actually, wait, yer Trump supporterz! Ya should thank BoB!" BoB yelled as he made his way to his escape pod. BoB opened it, and jumped inside. He shut the doors, and pulled the dematerialization lever. "Alright, what waz ya thinking?" BoB asked. "I thought they had pictures of a fat pink gumball with a gerbil on it's head, and I wanted to know where I could get one," Al said. "Well, ya better tell BoB what planet yer frum, cuz ya don't get to go to earth." 

BoB put in a destination, and pulled the lever again. The whole room suddenly shook, and everything started spinning.  "Celliri, what's goin on?!" BoB yelled. "You did not let the engines charge properly," said Celliri. "Hold on to somethin!" BoB yelled. "Hold on to what?" Al yelled back. "Well, there would have been sum thin, if it didn't break before!" BoB said, as a light blew out. "HOLD ON TO YER SOCKS!" BoB yelled as he pulled a lever, and every light blew out. 

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