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Smiling mad, he's so happy

Space Train

"All right, so if dat lever iz da squbbly lever, den dat one must be da blibbly lever," BoB said, reading the instruction manual for his escape pod. BoB pulled the lever, and the escape pod shook. "No no no, don't do dat-" BoB started as his escape pod started to fall. "BoB'z in da middle uv space! We can't be fallin!" BoB yelled. BoB reached for the emergency brake and pulled it. A screeching, grinding noise filled the escape pod as it slowed down, and sparks shot from the walls. BoB looked out the front of his escape pod, and saw there was green and blue energy floating in space, seeming to come from behind his escape pod. "Oh great, watz dis stuff?" BoB asked. "That is time energy leaking out from a hole you just created. The escape pod shot through time without even dematerializing, and the escape pod just shot right through," Celiri said. "Wait, wat'z dat?" BoB asked, seeing a light in the distance, getting closer. The light was closer now, and BoB could make out that it was a space ship, headed right for his escape pod, and very quickly. BoB ran back to the control, and quickly pulled the dematerialization lever, then pulled it again. BoB's escape pod started to materialize inside the spaceship.

BoB stepped out, and saw he was in what looked like a train, with red carpet flooring and silver walls. There were wooden benches and tables all around, but nobody sitting at them. BoB walked across the train car to a silver door in the wall with blue lights in it. There was no door handle, so BoB used his Universal Remote, and the door split part horizontally. Behind that was another door, which opened a couple seconds after the first one. BoB stepped through, and saw another area exactly like the one he just came from, but with people inside it. Everybody seemed to be panicking and running around, so BoB stepped inside quickly before anyone saw him, and the doors closed behind him.

"Scuze BoB, but could ya tell BoB why everyone'z paniking?" BoB said to the person next to him. "Didn't you see it? One of the passengers got shot?" The person said. "It doezn't look like anyone'z hurt hear," BoB said. "They were shot with a laser. They had a red glow around them, and then they were just gone," the passenger said. "Nobody saw who did it den?" BoB asked. "No. Wait, how do I know it wasn't you? Who are you anyway? You weren't here five minutes ago," the passenger said. "BoB would never do something like dat, and BoB would never lie" BoB said. "How do I know you're not lying?" the passenger asked. "Becuz BoB said so," BoB said. "What are you even doing here? Where'd you come from?" the passenger asked. "BoB'z a professional sign inspector, and also an instant detective," BoB said. "I've never heard of either of those things," The passenger said. "Of course not, dare top secret. And if ya tell anyone else, yer gonna be in very big trouble," BoB said. "What is an instant detective anyway?" the passenger asked. "See, da second a crime iz committed, a secret detective iz teleported to da scene of the crime to investigate," BoB said. "Now, BoB has sum vestigatin to do, keep it top secret dat ya even saw BoB," BoB said, and disappeared into the crowd.

BoB walked to the other end of the train car, and opened the door with his Universal Remote. The next car was entirely silver, with nothing except a blue screen on one wall. BoB walked over to the screen, and pointed the Universal Remote at it. The screen lit up, and BoB tapped a button labeled information. "Welcome to the first flight of the first ever space train, made in the Flurmupiakenddib galaxy," a voice said from the screen. "This train runs between the Flurmupiakenddib and Zizzyxz galaxies. However, this ride still takes many days, even with our state of the art equipment. So we have many activities for passengers to do in this time. We hope you will ride with us again. However, you really have no other choice, since we have the first space train," the voice said, and the screen shut off. BoB walked back through the door, and back in to the other train car.

"Hello, excuze BoB, but BoB'z investigatin dis murder, and BoB wuz wondering if ya would like to answer sum questions," BoB said to another passenger. "Sure, I'll answer any of your questions," the passenger said. "Good. Now, question one: are ya da murderer?" BoB asked. The person looked at BoB as if he was crazy, and walked off. "So iz dat a no?" BoB yelled across the train car as the doors closed behind the passenger. "Who knew investigatin wuz such hard work?" BoB muttered. Suddenly, the train car shook. BoB ran to the window, and looked outside. Instead of space that had been there just a second ago, there were turquoise flames around the train car. The train car was shaking hard, and people were falling over. BoB pointed the Universal Remote at a speaker, and pressed the button. "Hello, dis iz yer captain speakin, and-" BoB started, speaking into the universal remote. "You're not the captain!" One of the passengers yelled, as they hung on to a table to keep from falling over. "Da whole space train caught on space fire, and dat's wat yer worried about?" BoB said. "Fine, dis iz totally not yer captain speakin, but da whole point iz dat BoB'z talking now, so BoB'z in charge. We seem ta have encountered a slight bit uv turbulence. Now, if ya look out, well, really any window, you'll see dat da train iz on fire. Darez a simple explanation fur dat. Da train iz actually on fire, and we're all BoBably about to die," BoB said, just as the train shook more violently, and then went back to normal. "Oh, no! Look at dat, we're alive!" BoB said.

BoB looked out the window, and saw a planet very close to them. "Wuz dat planet dare before?" BoB asked one of the passengers. "No, I don't think so," the passenger said. "Right den. Dat probably not good," BoB said, running to one end of the train car. BoB opened the doors to the room with the screen and walked inside. BoB turned the screen on, and hit a button that would show the route. "Error. We are off course. Estimated arrival time: Three thousand years, five days, one minute, twelve seconds," said a voice from the screen. "Dat'z also probably not good," BoB said, going back in the car with all the passengers. BoB looked out the window, and saw they were much closer to the planet now. BoB ran back into the car holding his escape pod, and got inside.

BoB turned on the screen on the ring above his control panel on, and saw an error message. "Emergency: we are in a quickly decaying orbit. Estimated time until impact: ten minutes," Celliri said. "And dat meanz wat?" BoB asked. "The train is in an orbit that is bringing it closer to the planet, and has ten minutes until it crashes to the surface," Celliri said. "Wat can BoB do about it?" BoB asked. "Nothing can be done. The train can not escape the planet's gravity," Celliri said. BoB ran back outside, and saw the light blue lights that were in the doors were now red. "Depressurizing all Z area compartments preparing for release," said a voice through the train's speakers. "Decompressuizing all Z area compartments." "Celliri, wat does dat mean?" BoB asked. "It means that all the train cars that are labeled as the Z area will be depressurized," Celliri said. "Where are we?" BoB asked. "We appear to be in the baggage cart of the Y area, which appears to be the first train before the Z area," Celliri said. 

BoB pointed his Universal Remote at a speaker and turned it on, speaking into the universal remote. "Everyone in da Z area, head to da front of da train!" BoB yelled. BoB tried opening the door with his universal remote, but it wouldn't open. "Da door seems to be stuck, but BoB can get dat fixed in time! Well, probably. Maybe anyway," BoB said, aiming the Universal Remote at the door again. BoB turned it to the strongest setting, and blasted the doors. The lights in the door started flashing as BoB finally got them open. People started running through the now open door, and the baggage cart started getting full. "Everybody get in da phone box!" BoB yelled over the siren coming from the train cars. As the last of the people ran inside, BoB got in and shut the door. BoB looked on the monitor for life signs on the train cars that were detaching, but saw that nobody was left on them. "Everybody wait in here. And don't touch anything if ya don't want to go flying into another dimension or destroying time!" BoB yelled, and ran back out of the escape pod. BoB turned his Universal Remote back on, and tried to shut the doors. He kept aiming at them, even as the Z section train cars detached and started to fall, creating a vacuum that sucked BoB towards the doors. He reached out for the nearest thing behind him, and managed to grab his escape pod door handle. BoB was hovering parallel to the floor of the train car, but the doors started to shut. The doors slammed shut, and BoB fell to the floor.

BoB opened the other door that led to the rest of the train car, and told everyone in the escape pod to get out. "Oh, right, BoB still need to do something about the impending fiery crash," BoB said, looking out the window. But just as he said that, the train was surrounded by turquoise fire again, and everything shook. When everything stopped shaking, BoB looked out the window. There was nothing much to see, other than hundreds of stars far away. BoB went into the car that had the screen, and turned it on again. "Error. We are off course. Estimated arrival time: Two thousand years, thirty days, fifty six minutes, thirty four seconds," said the voice. "Celliri, didn't dat voice say it wuz three thousand years last time BoB turned it on?" BoB asked. "Yes, it did it said it was three thousand years, five days, one minute, twelve seconds last time," Celliri said. "Den maybe dat explain why we were about to crash, and den we wuz in da middle of space. Maybe dat fire iz a teleport system on board malfunctioning, cauzing da train to teleport randomly into space," BoB said. BoB opened the door and walked back into the highly crowded passenger car. 

BoB looked out the window, trying to see if there was anything outside other than stars. BoB heard a sound like someone was banging on metal, and looked around. He saw that everybody else was looking around, wondering where the noise had come from. Then the noise came again, and BoB looked up. "Dis wouldn't happen to be a train with two floorz, would it?" BoB asked. "No," whispered someone towards the back of the car. Another knock came from the ceiling, the sound echoing around the silent train car.

"Alright, somethings up there, but maybe it'z just curious, and will go away," BoB whispered. "It probably hasn't ever seen a space train before, maybe it will just go away." BoB said. "But nothing can exist in space! It's a vacuum!" yelled a passenger. "BoB would say what ever dat thing iz, it seems to be doing a pretty good job," BoB whispered, as another of the creature's knocks rang through the train car. "It's going to eat us!" The person yelled. "Dare iz no reason to believe dat," BoB said. "Just becuz it'z new and unknown doezn't mean it wants to eat us. Maybe we can be da first train full uv people to meat something dat lives entirely in space. But darez no reason to fear it and think it will attack ya just because it different. Nobody ever met somethin like dis before, dare'z no reason to think it will hurt you until you have an actual reason," BoB said, as the creature knocked again. There was a scraping noise from the ceiling, like fingernails on a chalk board. A giant, long, claw came through the ceiling, and started to cut a hole into the ceiling.

"Right den, dare yer cauze!" BoB yelled, opening the door to the baggage car with the Universal Remote. "Everybody get in dare, and get in da red phone box!" BoB yelled over people screaming. Once everyone was in the baggage car, BoB shut the door behind them. "Air loss detected in car Y-9. Detaching cars Y-9 and Y-10 for the safety of our other passengers," said the automated voice over the loud speaker. "Can we pleaze get in dare a little faster?" BoB said, as a giant claw came through the metal door. BoB started shoving people inside, and then shut the door. BoB set the coordinates so they would materialize in the next baggage car, and pulled the lever. 

The escape pod started to wheeze, and dematerialized. "Error, the train seems to de disappearing," Celliri said. "Lock on to dat train, don't let it teleport away. BoB need to fix whatever iz wrong wrong with dat train, or dee people gonna be stuck teleportin through space forever," BoB said. The escape pod started to wheeze furiously, and sparks shot from the walls again. The column came to a stuttering stop as they materialized. The escape pod was flying through time, and right in front of them was the train, surrounded by fire. "Celliri, how can da space train be time traveling?" BoB asked. "It must have flew through the hole you created by crashing through time earlier. The train must have gotten some time energy in the engine somehow, and when it activates, the train flies through time to anywhere in the universe," Celliri said. The train was starting to fade away, and BoB's escape pod started to materialize on it. 

BoB stepped out side, and saw they were in another luggage car, which had a sign over both doors that read "section X luggage car."  "It'z safe to get out now," BoB said to all the people in his escape pod, as he got his Universal Remote out to open the door. The door slid open behind him before he even pushed a button, and BoB saw a passenger standing there. "How iz ya supposed to get these doors open without a Universal Remote?" BoB asked. "The door recognizes every passenger on board, and opens automatically for them," said the passenger. "Oh, right, yeah BoB knew dat, becuz BoB'z a fellow passenger," BoB said, and quickly walked out the door. BoB looked around for one of the cars with a computer in it, and opened the door. He turned on the screen, and hit a button saying "passenger list." He used the Universal Remote to add his name to the list. "New passenger. Please place your hand on the screen," said the monitor. BoB placed his hand one the screen, and a light flashed green. "New passenger recognized," said the screen, turning off. BoB heard a scream from the train car he had just left, and ran back inside.

BoB saw a person surrounded by red crackling energy screaming, then they faded away before BoB could get a good look at them. "Everybody freeze!" BoB yelled, using his Universal Remote to lock both doors. "As the official investigater fur dis, BoB say everybody here iz a suspect, and nobody iz allowed to leave dis car," BoB said to the packed train car. "Attention all passengers," said a robotic voice from the speakers. "Attention all passengers. Passengers have disappeared in cars A-4, F-6, O-1, and U-5. All passengers are advised to be cautious at all times," said the robotic voice. "All right, dat'z interestin." BoB said. "Ya all stay here, BoB haz some more vestigatin' to do," BoB said, walking back to the luggage car where the escape pod landed, and unlocking the door for a second.

BoB went inside his escape pod, and came back out with a USB stick. He went back to the room with the screen, and stuck the USB stick in it. The USB stick automatically downloaded the data, and BoB went back to his escape pod, locking both train car doors behind him. BoB plugged the USB into a spot on the control console, and looked at his screen. "Celliri, which passengers were da ones murdered?" BoB asked. "Unknown. The passengers list only shows that there are six less passengers than when the train departed," Celliri said. "Check da lists, and compare which passengers were dare earlier, but den gone a couple minutes later," BoB said.

After a couple seconds, the screen showed up with 6 different names, and listed by the times they no longer showed up on the system. "All right, search all uv these people, see if dey have anythin in common," BoB said. There was a wait of a couple seconds, and lots of information popped up next to the names. Looking at them, BoB could see none of them even were from the same planets, and some were even from different galaxies. "Celliri, check if any of doze planetz have had a war against anywhere, or will in da future," BoB said. "One of the planets, Turmathir. is a peaceful planet, and has only ever been involved in one conflict in all of history," Celliri said. "Good, wat planet wuz it dat Turmth... Turthmi... dat planet wuz fighting?" BoB asked, trying to pronounce the name. "It was a war against the planet of Ogisvoz, a planet known for starting wars with almost every inhabited planet in multiple surrounding galaxies. Ogisvoz has also started multiple wars with each other planet on this list," Celliri said. "Check if dare iz any passengers from Ogisvoz den," BoB said.

One name showed up on the screen. "Dat got to be who it iz," BoB said, just as the name faded from the screen. "Wat happened?" BoB asked, opening his escape pod door, and hearing the robotic voice talking. "...is dead in car S-3," BoB heard the voice saying. BoB walked back into the escape pod, and closed the door. "Well, dat wasn't da person either," BoB said. "Search anything you can think of Celliri. Haz anyone been famous? Have dey ever met each other? Anything you can think of," BoB said, looking at the monitor, as it updated with a seventh name.

BoB saw lots of new statistics pop up on the monitor, but none of them were related. Most of the people didn't know each other, and none of them were very famous. "Wait a minute," BoB said. "Doze net worths are going down in a decreasing order, check everyone's net worth on this train, den sort dem by highest value to lowest value," BoB said. A list popped up on the screen, in descending order of net worth. The seven people with the highest net worth were also the people who had been murdered. "So den, if BoB'z right, we need to keep an eye on da person eight on dat list," BoB said. "But why would dey kill dem instead of take dem randsome?" BoB asked out loud. BoB saw the person was only a couple of train cars away, so he stepped out of the escape pod and headed that way. BoB walked in the car, and the first thing he did was use the Universal Remote on the security systems, so that the footage would be sent directly to his escape pod. BoB sat down and watched the person he was looking for. They seemed to be talking to someone next to them, and hadn't even noticed BoB walk in. BoB set his Universal Remote to detect any form of energy in the car.

BoB didn't have to wait long, because within five minutes of BoB sitting down, a red glow surrounded the passenger. They screamed, and faded away quickly. The person they had been talking to jumped back, and BoB looked around to see if anyone was holding a weapon. Nobody seemed to be, or looking like they were hiding one. "BoB'z da official vestigator  on dis train, and BoB'z locking dis car down to make sure dat criminal can't escape," BoB said, locking one door, and stepping back into the baggage car. "BoB will be vestigatin' in here, and find whoever did dis," BoB said, locking the door. BoB went back inside his escape pod, and looked at the footage. He didn't see anyone pull out any sort of weapon at any point. "Celliri, wat about da energy readingz? Wuz dare any sort of energy dat a blaster would use?" BoB asked. "No. The only change in energy seems to be an energy usually emitted by a teleporter," Celliri said. "Iz dare any way to trace where dis teleporter leadz?" BoB asked. "Yes. It seems to lead to a space police station," said Celliri. "Can BoB call dem and ask why dey abducting people?" BoB asked.

A couple seconds later, the police department answered the call, and a face appeared on the monitor.  "Dis iz BoB, highly secret instant investigater on da space train. Wat do ya think yer doing kidnappin people off da train?" BoB asked. "Oh, it's you again, the sign inspector. And you're currently on the space train?" The person asked. "Good, we've been trying to reach it but..." the signal started to fade and was filled with crackling noises. "-ignal is very weak." they said. "BoB noticed. Talk faster den," BoB said. "We're trying to..." the crackling noises started up again. "-ave them, tra..... -taged." they said as the signal got weaker. "So den of course ya save da richest first. Why can't ya just take everyone at once?" BoB asked. "Tel...-rter is too weak. It can...-ne at a time, but then it needs rechar...-ing. But this is highly important: the tra... -s a... -ap. It's been destinat... -ive into..." The signal got too weak, and the screen went black. 

"Celliri, check all da train flight plans, and see where dis train iz headed," BoB said. "The train shows it is programmed to fly to the Zizzyxz galaxy, just as it says," Celliri said, showing a route map on the screen. BoB looked, and saw there was nothing in one area of the map. "Celliri, dat blank spot lookz suspicious, compare dat to a real image uv space dare," BoB said. A picture showed up, and BoB saw the missing spot was just pure blackness, with no stars around it. "Celery, iz dat a black hole?" BoB asked. "It seems to be," Celliri said. "How close iz dis train flying to dat?" BoB asked. "Too close. Calculations show that if the train is pre-programmed to take this route, it will fall into the black hole," Celliri said. "But if the train keeps teleportin, maybe it won't get dat close," BoB said. "The train appears along its original route every third time it teleports. If it teleports about every five minutes, you have about twenty five minutes before we are too close to the black hole," Celliri said. "Twenty five minutes? Dats easy if ya have a time machine," BoB said, running outside.

BoB opened the door again as soon as it landed, and people came flooding inside. "Don't touch anything if ya don't want to spin off into a parallel dimension or die," BoB said over the speakers. Once all the people were inside from this section, BoB moved to the next one. This went on for quite a while, until BoB was finally in the A section, with fifteen minutes left before the train flew into the black hole. Everybody got inside,  and BoB pulled the lever. The wheezing started, and the escape pod dematerialized. "See, BoB managed to save everyone," BoB said. The escape pod suddenly started materializing. "Wat? No, dat not supposed to happen, BoB didn't say to materialize!" BoB yelled, pushing buttons on the control panel furiously. The column stopped moving, and BoB saw that they were right where they had dematerialized from. "Celliri, what happened?" BoB said. "The train is in lock down, nothing can teleport in or out, and that also affects dematerialization," Celliri said. "What can BoB do about dat den?" BoB asked. "In the front of the train you should be able to shut it off," Celliri said.

BoB ran out the door, and used his Universal Remote so that nobody could mess with his escape pod. BoB ran off as fast as he could towards the front of the train. By the time he was in the front of the train, five minutes had already gone by. "Wat now Celliri?" BoB asked, looking around the controls. "It appears there aren't any controls here," Celliri said. BoB was already unscrewing a metal panel from the wall, with wiring behind it. BoB grabbed the first wires he could find, and ripped them out. The door shut behind him, and locked itself. BoB grabbed all the wires he could, and yanked them all out. "You've disabled the lockdown BoB," Celliri said, as BoB jumped up, and went to work unlocking the door.

"Train car A-1 detaching from train car Engine," said a robotic voice over the speakers. BoB unlocked the door, and saw a thin tunnel of energy linking the train car and the engine car together. BoB jumped the large gap, and the door immediately shut behind him. BoB rolled to his feet and ran towards the baggage car. "BoB, even though the engine is detached, the cars will still keep their momentum. You only have three minutes," Celliri said. BoB ran into the baggage car, and jumped in the escape pod, with the door closing automatically behind him. BoB hit the emergency lever immediately, and the central column made a noise like a car engine stuttering, then with a huge wheezing noise it dematerialized almost instantly.

BoB put the coordinates for the exact time the train should have been arriving at the station in, and pulled the lever. The escape pod materialized, and BoB opened the door. "You have arrived at your destination," Celliri said over the escape pod sound system. People started running out of the escape pod, and once BoB was sure everyone was gone, he closed the door. "Celliri, why would sumone try to destroy their own train?" BoB asked. "As you fixed the space train, I checked who the CEO of the company in charge of building the space train was. He had so much insurance on it, he would have tripled his money if it failed, so he programmed it to fail," Celliri said. BoB set some coordinates to a couple of days ago, and pulled the lever.

As the escape pod flew through time, BoB wrote a note, and finished right as they landed. BoB deleted a couple of things from the USB stick that was still plugged into the computer. "BoB, what are you doing?" Celliri asked. "BoB'z giving dem an anonymous tip, so dey will investigate dat space train. Don't worry, BoB'z deleted all da stuff dat happen in da future, like when da people disappeared from da train," BoB said. "BoB, you could create another paradox," Celliri said. "Nah, it'z probably fine, time probably won't burn to dust," BoB said, stepping out of the escape pod.

BoB walked over to a desk, and placed the note down, and the USB stick on top of it. "Hey! What what do you think you're doing in here!" a space cop yelled at BoB. "BoB'z a highly secret BoB'z a professional sign inspector, it'z a job so secret dat nobody knows about it. Nobody can know about sign inspectorz, becuze BoB couldn't be able to properly inspect signs if they knew BoB was coming there to inspect dem," BoB said.

"Oh, that makes sense. Is this sign good?" asked the space cop. BoB looked at it, and then made a disgusted face. "Oh no, it haz a very bad font, it'z too, small, dat'z all wrong. Dat'z gonna be a heavy fine from da sign inspection committee. However, BoB could just ignore it if ya look in to this here," BoB said, pointing at the note and USB stick. "All right, we'll investigate that sir. Thank you," said the space cop. "Good. Oh, and you'll probably be getting a call from BoB in a couple of days," BoB said. "Okay, thank you sir," said the space cop, clearly wanting BoB to go away so BoB couldn't fine him for the sign. "See you... well, earlier actually," BoB said, stepping into the escape pod. A couple of seconds later, the escape pod started to dematerialize, and it slowly faded out of existence right in front of the space cop's eyes. 

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