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SmappyBoB.com

Smiling mad, he's so happy

2021

*NOTE: CERTAIN NAMES IN THIS BOBLOG HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY*

 

BoB had been waiting for a couple minutes for his escape pod to land. On the screen it looked like they should have almost arrived at their destination, but the escape pod had slowed down. "Updates available. Downloading updates," Celliri said. "Updatez? Wat updatez? Updates fur what? Ya can't just go downloading updates of thingz without tellin BoB!" BoB yelled. "Download complete. Installing updates.Installation complete. Compatibility check. Error: Incompatible console. Control room reconfiguring at a later date," Celliri said. "Wat wuz all dat about?" BoB asked. "Your Universal Remote has now been updated and linked to the escape pod. It now has a small amount of control over time around you. You can freeze time in a small area, slow it down, or speed it up, but it drains the batteries very quickly, and wears off as soon as the escape pod dematerializes. The interior or the escape pod will also be updated and slightly remodeled so that it has a slot for the remote," Celliri said. "Can BoB just turn da scape pod update to remind BoB later? Because if BoB'z going to the future with angry orange robotz, it wouldn't be good to be locked out of da scape pod," BoB said. "You will be reminded in half an hour," Celliri said, and the escape pod started to materialize.

BoB opened the door, looked outside for a second. "So dis iz da right place? We here just before Frump* got hiz device so he'd be around forever, so BoB can stop it?" BoB asked. "Yes. We have arrived a few hours earlier than when he first heard of it," Celliri said. "Well, if dey new about something like dat, it would be all over Twitter," BoB said, and went to Twitter on his escape pod's screen. The first thing he saw was that instead of blue, Twitter was now mostly decorated in orange, and the bird in the logo was now a orange-yellow cat. The top tweet was from Denald K. Frump* himself. It said "I was told my new business, Steak on a Stake, is going to fail. BAD! I have too much at steak!" BoB checked the date, and saw that it was 2021. "How'd he get in office a second time? How'd he even survive da first four yearz? He'z ainchent" BoB said. He scrolled down a bit, and saw a tabloid linking to their article, "5 REAL TIME TRAVELERS caught on CAMERA!!!!!" BoB looked at it, and the first picture was of BoB yesterday, holding up a sign with coordinates, and a date on it. Behind BoB was his escape pod, and everyone in the picture was slightly turned towards it, as if it had just appeared. BoB set the coordinates for those on the sign, and pulled the lever, as he grabbed some materials to make the exact same sign.

His escape pod materialized, and the second it was safe to open the door, he walked out, holding the sign high above his head. People suddenly started rushing towards BoB, wondering where he had come from. BoB stepped back inside, set the time to arrive ten minutes later, and dematerialized. He stepped out, and saw that the entire crowd was gone. A cardboard sign was blown into his escape pod by the wind. BoB looked at the back of the sign, and saw it had something written on it. "Frump Needz to be stopped by two o clock. Go to deez coordinatez, and be careful about guardz." On the bottom of the sign were coordinates. BoB flipped it over, and saw it was the sign he had just held up. BoB set the coordinates for five minutes ago, pulled the lever, and started working on the back of the sign.

The escape pod materialized, and BoB stepped out. The crowd of people were still there, and they were all swarming around BoB. "How did you do that?" asked a reporter. "Was it a magic trick?" "No, it wuz actually a smaller-on-da-outside phone box that can travel in space and time using highly complicated fizzicz," BoB said. "But if ya just go to dat store across da street and wait dare fur ten minutez, BoB can explain how it works," BoB said. People slowly started walking over to the store across the street, but some people looked like they doubted BoB. "Go! Don't ya all want to know how to build yer own time machinez? OR at least very spacious closetz?" BoB said. That got people moving. They started running to the store across the street. As soon as everyone was gone, BoB put the sign down somewhere. He stepped back into the escape pod, set the coordinates, and pulled the lever. "BoB, you just lied to those people. You have no intention of telling them how to build a time machine, do you?" Celliri asked. "No, but dey weren't dare in five minutes when BoB landed dare. BoB knew ya'd be saying things like 'Oh BoB, don't go ripping the time space continuum apart!' 'BoB, you've just torn the universe in half!' if BoB didn't get dem to go away," BoB said. "BoB, you just caused a bootstrap paradox. You wrote that sign because you saw the sign that you wrote in the future, giving no origin of where you had originally found this information," Celliri said. "Iz dat gonna rip da universe apart?" BoB asked. "No, but it's probably best to not do that," Celliri said. "Az long az BoB'z not ripping da universe apart, it'z fine."

BoB's escape pod materialized, and BoB saw he was standing in front of the Orange House "So wat does BoB do, just walk right up and knock?" BoB asked. BoB started walking up towards the doors, when a machine gun popped out of the ground, aimed directly in his face. BoB got out his Universal Remote, and pressed the button. The machine gun retreated back into the ground. BoB kept walking, and every couple of steps a new weapon popped out of the ground. BoB was just about at the door, when he heard a metallic clunking sound around the corner. BoB tried to hide behind a column, but he couldn't get there in time. BoB saw it was a Frumpbot, but it looked slightly clunkier than the ones he had seen in the future, and it had a grove running down the middle of it. "Halt. You-Are-Trespassing. Backup-requested," said the Frumpbot. "Intruders-Instantly-Recieve-Sentencing. Punishment-For-Trespassing:-Death-Sentence." BoB started running back to his escape pod, as more Frumpbots started following him. "Your thirty minutes are up. Would you like to update now?" Celliri asked. "Not now, BoB'z being chased by killer robot! How about ya try again in another half hour?" BoB asked, as something exploded behind him. BoB jumped into his escape pod, and shut the door. BoB set the coordinates to arrive a couple of hours later inside the Orange House, and dematerialized. 

Since BoB's escape pod still had Twitter on the screen, it started moving much faster as BoB traveled through time, and he saw reports of the Orange House grounds being broken into by someone in a London phone box, who had disappeared, with security footage of BoB. "Well, datz not good. Hopefully da Frumpbotz aren't still on high alert," BoB said, as the escape pod materialized. "Actually, they aren't independent Frumpbots yet. They are currently just combat suits for soldiers to wear, so that they can be protected from most things, and have massive amounts of firepower," Celliri said.

BoB stepped out of the escape pod, and onto the red carpet lining the halls. "Celliri, iz dare some way to make a giant mysterious phone box invisible?" BoB asked. "Your universal remote can project an invisibility field around you and any objects you need, but it won't work if you're to far away from the object," Celliri said. "Can da scape pod dematerialize and park somewhere it won't be noticed, and den just come back here?" BoB asked. "Your Universal Remote can summon the escape pod straight to you at the push of button," Celliri said, as the escape pod dematerialized. "BoB, you can aim the remote at security cameras and pause the footage so they won't know you're here," Celliri said. BoB saw a camera, and pushed the button on the remote. BoB needed to get his escape pod pieces so that Frump could never use them in the future to build his own time machine, and somehow make sure that he could sabotage whatever life support device that was going to be demonstrated to Frump today, so he wouldn't get one, at least until he was out of office. 

BoB was headed down the hall, looking for where Frump would be, when a guard saw him. BoB pressed the pause button before the guard could call for backup, and the air pulsed around the guard for a second. The guard was standing absolutely still, paused until BoB's escape pod dematerialized. "Warning: battery power at eighty percent. Batteries recharge over time," said Celliri. BoB continued walking, and eventually he saw a group of security guards talking. One of the guards saw him, and alerted all the others. BoB pointed his remote at the first one grabbing a walkie talkie, and hit pause. "Warning: Battery power down to sixty percent," said Celliri. BoB hit pause at another guard who was pulling a gun on him, and right as the air around the guard rippled, a bullet fired from the gun, now suspended in mid air. "Warning: Battery power low, forty percent," Said Celliri. "Batteriez charge over time?" BoB asked, as he paused another guard. "Yes, they recharge over time automatically," said Celliri as the guards got dangerously close to BoB. BoB aimed on the ground behind the guards, and pressed fast forward. The sir rippled, and BoB threw the remote over into the space he had just sped up. BoB dodged the first guard, and knocked the gun out of his hand, but there was another right behind him. BoB rolled under that guards outstretched arm, and ran to the far end of the hall where the remote was. BoB grabbed it, and it was now fully charged due to time being sped up as fast as the remote could handle. BoB paused the last two of the guards, and continued on.

BoB looked at a wall, and saw there was an air duct. BoB unscrewed the grate with the Universal Remote, and climbed in. "Dis should keep doze guardz away," BoB said, and climbed through the air duct. It was now sloping up wards, and BoB could tell he was in the ceiling now. BoB saw light shining in from a grate. BoB looked through, and saw Frump sitting in a chair. "So? I'm in charge of this  country. I can do whatever I want!" BoB heard Frump yell into the phone. "What do you mean that's not how it works? I don't need to know this! I'm in charge, I don't care about laws, I have executive orders!" he said. "Oh yeah, well you're fired! Yes I can remove someone who was elected from power, I'm in charge, I can do what I want!" Frump yelled, and threw the phone against the wall. "It has been half an hour, would you like to install updates?" Asked Celliri. "Yes! Fine! BoB'z sneaking here, be quiet," BoB whispered. "Who is that?" Frump asked. BoB locked the doors with his Universal Remote so no guards could come in, but him shifting his weight caused the grate to come loose.

"Who are you?" screamed Frump. BoB aimed the remote at everything electrical he could see so that Frump couldn't call for guards. "Telegram! Wait, datz da wrong century. Uh, personal email deliverer?" BoB said. "Is that something new?" asked Frump. "Yes, it a new way fur ya to get all yer personal emailz. See, it'z top secret, so not even da prezident knowz about it. See, den nobody can accuse ya of getting classified emailz on da wrong server!" BoB said. "So it is new? I don't like new, or change. I hate change," Frump said. "Not an email deliverer, definitely a telegram!" BoB said. "I'm currently working on sending the country back to the middle ages anyway. It was great then, only the rich people could be educated. I want to make it that great again," said Frump.

"Who are you, and how did you get in here?" Frump asked reaching for the button to call security. "Why isn't the button working?" Frump asked, mashing the button. "And why did the doors lock?" he asked. "See, BoB'z really a professional undercover sign inspector. It'z a job so secret, only two people know about it, but BoB'z been told to meet da prezident by BoB'z boss. Da job'z so secret, not even the guards can know about it, dat'z why the door are locked," BoB said. "Do you have any identification, professional sign inspector?" Frump asked. "No, becuze if undercover sign inspectorz went around giving out buisiness cardz saying dare undercover, dat would just give it away and everyone would know," BoB said. Frump suddenly got a call on his cell phone, and answered it. 

"Yes, I know that you say I can't do that, but I'M IN CHARGE, AND YOU'RE ALSO FIRED!" Frump yelled into his phone, and smashed it against the wall. "Have you heard the news? I'm about to split the United States of Frump in half, with all Democrats all forced to live on one side in their own country, and Republicans on the other half. But since I own all the land, I can just pass laws screwing the Democrats over so they have to come into the Republican half of the country!" Frump said. "Ah, yes, great idea. Frump. How is it gonna be divided? Is the line gonna be horizontal or vertical? What about diagonal? Which direction will it be diagonal in? From northwest to southeast, or from northeast to southwest? Or what if you do it in alternatin stripes? What if ya do it with dots of land? Will there be walls separatin them? Wat if ya do it in a zigzag? And wat will ya do about independentz and otherz? Do dey get a small strip in da middle? Do ya just throw dem into da sea? Ya probably never even thought about any of deez questionz, and ya really shouldn't do dis  until ya can answer all doze questionz," BoB said.

"I don't take suggestions from anyone, I stopped listening a long time ago. I have a meeting with a foreign company come to show off their new life support system blue prints and results right now, I can't have you discussing sign inspectors in here. I demand you unlock those doors," Frump said. "Okay, BoB will leave right away den Mister Frump," BoB said unlocking the door. The person that would be showing Frump the results of the life support system was walking in, and BoB pointed the remote at the pepers they were holding. The papers burst into flames, and Frump started yelling. "What have you done? I DEMAND YOU GIVE ME THAT DEVICE!" Frump yelled. "Guards! Turn up maximum defenses! Activate the experimental forcefield!" Frump yelled. "Oh, BoB'z so sorry, were doze da only copies of doze paperz?" BoB asked the person who had walked in the door. "Yes! I spent four years developing it, and now the blueprints are gone! I should have made copies!" The person yelled. "Well, if it only takes four yearz, Frump will be out of office by den. Yer blueprint shouldn't spontaneously combust den," BoB said, running out the doors.

BoB pushed the button to summon his escape pod, but the remote made a high pitched beeping sound. "BoB, the Orange House has an experimental forcefield turned on, interfering with landing. You need to get to the courtyard before you can call the escape pod, and even then there's not a guarantee it can lock on to the exact position," Celliri said. BoB looked out the first window he saw, and immediately saw a Frumpbot patrolling under it. BoB kept running, checking every window, until he saw one with no Frumpbot under it. He used the Universal Remote to shatter the glass, and jumped out into the courtyard. The thud of BoB landing alerted the Frumpbots to him, and they started locating the source of the noise.

BoB pressed the button to summon the Escape Pod, and it started appearing at the far end of the courtyard. BoB ran over there, pausing a Frumpbot that shot at him. A Frumpbot fleet flew above him, firing giant bullets down. BoB was only a couple feet away from his escape pod, when a Frumpbot rapid fired at him. BoB was close enough for his escape pod forcefield to be protected, and the bullets bounced off it. BoB opened the door, and saw the control room was now white, and the central panel had been changed. "Oh great, now how'z BoB supposed to find da dematerialization lever?" BoB said, shutting the door and running to the controls. BoB grabbed the biggest lever he could find, which was a big yellow lever, and pulled it. The escape pod started to dematerialize, and BoB was safe from the Frumpbots.

BoB suddenly realized that he hadn't managed to grab his escape pod pieces, and that meant in the future Frump would still be able to build a time machine. "Nope, we going back!" BoB said, and looed around on his console. He saw a giant back button, and hit that. The escape pod rematerialized in the courtyard, and BoB saw his joystick plugged in to one part of the console. He grabbed it, and flew the escape pod straight at the window of Frump's office. The escape pod smashed through the window, and BoB poked his head out. "Excuse BoB, ya haven't seen any other dimensional wooden phone box pieces lately, have ya?" BoB asked. "Wha- No, I haven't!" Frump said. "Guards! He's in here again!" Frump yelled. Behind him, two red escape pod pieces faded into view. "Ya weren't lyin fer once", BoB said, as he grabbed the escape pod pieces that had just materialized. He shut that door, and pulled the dematerialization lever. 

Now that BoB was safe, he had a look around his new escape pod interior. The floor was a checkered white and light gray pattern. The walls were now white, but yellowing in some spots already, and higher up they changed from light gray, to dark gray, to black, and then the ceiling. There was still the escape pod exterior indented into the wall, so BoB could see outside through the three windows. Next to the escape pod indentation were two white hand rails, and caution tape on the floor in front of that, with two red vents next to it. Above the escape pod indentation was an arching thing, holding a valve in place just above the exterior. The walls now had all sorts of strange things on them, one side of wall had a vent with a lever below it, looking like some sort of air conditioner. Another part of the wall had a round screen, showing a computer generated escape pod flying through time, with a screen that showed their destination next to it. In one corner there was also a chair, and near the opposite wall from the chair there was a strange, curved machine with two glass windows. 

On another wall, there were four storage containers in the wall, and a yellow tube sticking out of the wall next to a ladder. BoB's control console now had vents around the base of it. The central column was multicolored, and had black cylinders that rose and fell in unison with the wheezing. Towards the top of the column it had strange cone like structures and flat round bits until it touched the ceiling. BoB's control console now only had four sides, but it could now spin around. There was a ring around the column that could be spun around. On it were six levers, and a monitor. There was now a place for BoB's universal remote on one panel, and every panel had a place for the joystick he used to fly around to plug in. There were also lots of new buttons which he didn't know what purpose they served, and there were at least three different keyboards total.

"Good thing BoB haz it set up to automatically take BoB to da next scape pod piece," BoB said. "Actually, every update sets your settings back to the way they originally were. You have to now update your setting preferences again," Celliri said. "Great. Doez it come with an instruction manual at least?" BoB asked. "The instruction manual is thirty thousand five hundred seventy one pages long," Celliri said. "Never mind," BoB said, as he prepared himself to try and figure out what each button did.

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